Big Ben Kicked My Puppy

Sure, he only figuratively kicked my puppy, but it didn’t hurt the little guy any less. My puppy appreciates Ben as much as anybody, but another game has passed where Ben was matched up against an elite quarterback and it’s another game where Ben not only goes down in defeat, but looks completely out of the other guy’s league. My puppy is not only pissed, but your last interception yesterday made him piss all over the place. And I hate having to clean that up.

I don’t know what you consider acceptable, Ben, but my puppy will not tolerate a meager .666 win percentage this season. Simply being the division-leading team is just not good enough. My puppy demands better than three playoff appearances, including a Super Bowl victory, in the last four years. All your previous successes mean nothing to my puppy now. Just as he doesn’t care who fed him yesterday as long as he gets his dinner today, he doesn’t care what you’ve done for him in the past. My puppy pays your salary, Ben, and he demands results right now. If you can’t win every game, you should be sitting on my couch, assisting my puppy in licking his own genitals, while a real champion like Byron Leftwich leads us to victory (and bacon-flavored treats).

I only have one question left for you, Ben: Why do you hate my dog so much? Please stop kicking my puppy. He really doesn’t deserve it. Throw him a bone and win the next seven. I don’t think that’s too much to ask…