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Keystone Zebras Want You

Do you have a bad hip? Arthritic anckles? Dodgey knee? Have you ever walked into something in broad daylight because you have shockingly poor vision? Wondered why you see double while you're sober? Started using a walking stick with a red tip? Have you ever been accused of poor work habits? Incopetence at your job? Realized you are grossly under-qualified for the paycheck you are drawing?

If you answered yes to any or all nof these questions, then the Keystone Referees are looking for you.

You need not have experience, good eye sight, physical ability, a memory, verbal ability, a sense of time, a sense of urgency, adequite hearing, a pulse, good hygene, or a drive to succeed.

You, as a Keystone Referee will partner with the NFL to influence games, frustrate fans and foil fair play.

Through our comprehensive, unsupervised, one hour program you will learn all you need to know to referee in the NFL. You will learn how to throw a flag or not throw a flag, depending on your ability, or disability. You will lean a keen sense of right and wrong and the ability to ignore both. You will learn the fine art of closing your eyes and guessing. You will learn many other things you never thought you could pass off for skills in a career.

And now, thanks to a new program to insure quality by the NFL, your seeing eye dogs, walkers, canes, prosthetics and wheelchairs will be allowed on the field.

What a rewarding career you will have when your performance is no longer judged, reviewed, or held accountable. No longer will you have to worry about job security, a stern superior, peer standards, or inadequacy.

Apply today.

6 recs  |  Comment 7 comments  |  Add comment

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Great post

Freaking hilarious, I’m going to apply. LOL

by SteelerStuckintheSouth on Nov 3, 2009 3:02 PM EST reply actions   0 recs

Would it be safe

for the seeing eye dogs at a Eagles game? Hazard pay?

"Now that I'm here, I don't want to just be here, I want to be here for a long time." Hines Ward, 1998 4th round draft pick.

by kick him in the head on Nov 3, 2009 6:38 PM EST reply actions   0 recs

I can hear all of Minneapolis screaming in rage at you're post from here

It makes me smile

Ryan Clark remarked that Coach Tomlin once asked whether he wanted to be the nail in the defense, or the hammer. "I said, 'I want to be the hammer coach.'"

by svenhoek on Nov 3, 2009 7:19 PM EST reply actions   0 recs

Your*

God damned auto correct…

Ryan Clark remarked that Coach Tomlin once asked whether he wanted to be the nail in the defense, or the hammer. "I said, 'I want to be the hammer coach.'"

by svenhoek on Nov 3, 2009 7:19 PM EST up reply actions   0 recs

You will lean a keen sense of right and wrong and the ability to ignore both. You will learn the fine art of closing your eyes and guessing

These two sentences made me chuckle out loud in my graduate class while this kid was presenting. Bravo! Hilarious.

" I’m glad we play Pitt twice, and not Tenn this year." - Salty Browns Fan.

by Johnny_S on Nov 3, 2009 7:25 PM EST reply actions   0 recs

For Those of You Too Young To Remember...

In the above writing I was refering to the Keystone Cops, not Keystone, as in Keystone State. If you haven’t heard of the Keystone Cops, look them up on Youtube or something.

by WyoFan on Nov 4, 2009 4:57 PM EST reply actions   0 recs

When will the Keystone Umps be starting the application process?

For those of us who wish to dramatically influence the MLB playoffs and World Series.

by theatrain on Nov 6, 2009 2:57 PM EST reply actions   0 recs


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