A Day in the Life of Super Jerk Bill Belichick

4:30 a.m. Belichick gets up, wakes up girlfriend and forces her to get up too. 

4:35 a.m Belichick and girlfriend brush teeth. Belichick inspects girlfriend's teeth. "Well, you brushed some ok. Others aren't quite as good. You could improve."

4:50 a.m Girlfriend makes eggs. Belichick eats. "Well, you cooked these ok. Some bites weren't quite as good. You could improve."

5:15 a.m Belichick takes shower, puts on favorite hoodie, stares blankly at girlfriend who stifles laugh.

6:00 Girlfriend puts on clothes, asks Bill if dress makes her look fat. "Well, in some places it looks ok. Others aren't quite as good. I think your legs are accentuated well, but your hips are rather wide. You could improve."

6:30: Belichick heads to the facility, thinking about how traffic is ok in some places. Others aren't quite so good. It could improve.

7:00 Belichick receives illegal game film of the Ravens playoff loss from shady character in trench coat. Belichick tells him that the last film was ok, but it could be improved.

8:00 Belichick and Brady watch game film. Belichick berates Brady continually until Tom cries.

9:00 Belichick berates Brady for crying. Tom cries harder.

10:00 Belichick, in a slightly better mood after making Tom cry, calls Laurence Maroney and tells him that he is probably going to cut him in the spring.

10:30 Maroney cries. Belichick, feeling satisfied, calls Richard Seymour and asks him how he feels playing for the Raiders.

10:45 Seymour doesn't cry. He tells Belichick that his team looked awful last week, reminds them how much they need a pass rush. Belichick hangs up.

11:00 Feeling miserable, Belichick berates Brady some more.

11:30 Belichick goes to lunch at the facility's cafeteria. He tells cafeteria staff that the fruit cup is ok, but the chicken is tough, and the potatoes are terrible. He reminds them that they could improve.

12:30 Belichick makes list of goals for the off season: 1. Hire ninjas to poison the Jets' gatorade.  2. Hire master criminal to steal the Steelers' six Lombardis.  3. Make Brady cry daily.  4. Buy five old Hoodies from e-bay.  5. Try to pay off all referees for next season. 

1:00 Belichick tries to meet Robert Kraft about his goals for next year. Secretary says Kraft is not in, although Belichick just saw him walk into the office. Belichick stands there for an hour, staring creepily at the secretary until she finally gives in and lets him enter. 

2:00 Belichick finds the office empty. He looks in the closet and under Kraft's desk (Kraft's two favorite hiding places), but then he notices the open window. Kraft, on the window ledge, has a sizable lead on him and escapes. Belichick wonders (for just a second) if Kraft doesn't like him.

2:30 Belichick explains to Kraft's secretary that although she does some things well, there are other things that need work. She could improve.

3:00 Belichick fines Randy Moss for not watching the illegal film with him. Brady reminds Bill that the players technically have the day off. Belichick says that that attitude is the reason Brady is such a loser. Tom cries.

5:00 After watching two more hours of film, Belichick goes into the bathroom and stares at himself in the mirror, trying to perfect his expression of complete disdain.

6:00 After an hour, Belichick decides that in some ways the stare is good, but in others it needs some work. It could be improved.

7:00 Belichick studies college prospects from division III schools. He thinks they do very little well, many things poorly, and need serious improvement. He wonders why these pathetic kids even play football. Clearly, they aren't as obsessed about it as he is or they wouldn't be in division III. One player refuses to talk to a local newspaper man after the game. Belichick writes his name down for future consideration.

10:30: Belichick returns home to find girlfriend in sexy negligee. He takes off hoodie and lies in bed expressionless.

11:00 Girlfriend enters room. Lights go off. One voice is heard making noise. It is not Belichick's.

11:03: Lights go back on. Girlfriend, obviously, dissatisfied, asks Bill if that was ok for him. "Well, there were some things you did well. I thought the foreplay was better than last time. Other things weren't so great. Your positions are still too obvious, and you're not executing well on top. You still could improve."

11:10 Girlfriend packs and leaves, after giving Bill a healthy dose of profanity. Belichick thinks some of the insults are good, but others need work. She could definitely improve.

11:45: For exactly three seconds, Bill Belichick wonders if people don't like him. He then pushes the question away as irrelevant.

12:00 Belichick puts on pajama hoodie and goes to sleep.

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