I've been known to be an observational person. I can usually tell when I hate something and it stanks. And I find I often can pick up on certain trends that some people fail to notice.
Today I bring you "The Truth." The Truth about morbidly obese coaches in the NFL. The Truth is, they dont win rings. Observe after the jump
Originally I made this comment in jest after watching Andy Reid's retardation with playcalling against the redskins on sunday night. Watching him coach is like watching [simile deleted by Michael Bean. Sorry Meech. People can fill in the blank with their version of something awful to watch] Its disgusting.
It got me thinking, when was the last time a giant fat planet sized coach ever did anything?
If you consider super bowl wins as the key factor, which I do, we will see an interesting trend.
Our last champion was Sean Payton, a man with large brass balls and a relatively fit physique. Result, WIN
Previously a certain Mike Tomlin won, and was never a chubster.
The G-men's coach Coughlin probably could outrun half his players
Tony Dungy, as much as he stanks, runs backwards on a treadmill every day.
Bill Cowher certainly wasnt a fatty.
Here is where it gets interesting. Bill Belicheck is not MORBIDLY obese. Hes just kinda got that old grandpa fat. Plus, he cheated. Notice in his last superbowl he lost by playing fair. So I think its safe to rule him out.
Jon Gruden was a well built character
Brian Billick wasnt a cow
Dick Vermiel for the Rams could kick a lot of ass
Mike Shanahan was no slouch
I could continue to bore you with every SB champion coach. But the truth is out there. Morbidly Obese Coaches DONT win super bowls. Even when Madden won, he wasn't the Turdunken devouring jabba the hutt he is now.
History shows that when you are morbidly obese, you lose the super bowl. When you're not, you can win it.
Why is this the case. I personally believe it comes down to two factors. Respect, and distraction.
1. Respect: How can a player honestly respect a man ordering him to do laps, drills, two a days, when that man couldnt tie his own shoes? I mean if Andy Reid told you to run around the block 6 times, wouldn't you laugh in his face?
2. Distraction. Morbidly Obese coaches are thinking about food. And when their blood sugar drops they make poor coaching decisions. This explains the often retarded and irrational calls committed by coaches such as Wade Phillips or Andy Reid.
Its really quite simple. A message to the Steelers. Never hire a morbidly obese coach. And to the other teams. Please do. Especially the Purple Browns.
This has been, "The Truth" Consider yourself enlightened.