A Day In The Life Of James Harrison

If you are going to read what is below, you might want to read this first:


5:45AM     Harrison's clock gets exactly one note out before he crushes it with his fist (He buys alarm clocks by the pallet, as well as nightstands). The NFL fines him $500 for an improper hit on a clock.

5:46AM     Harrison makes his bed. The standard is the bed spread has to be so tight he can bounce a 45 pound plate off it. The NFL fines him $100 because one of his corners is not spec.

5:50AM     Debo goes for a five mile run...Up hill...With a 100 pound pack...In the snow...Barefoot...Pulling a car...Talking on his cell phone to one of the Steelers trainers. The NFL fines him $750 for not wearing NFL contracted shoes.

6:00AM     Breakfast: 8 raw eggs, 2 whole cantaloupes (And I mean whole), 3 scrambled chickens, an orange tree, and a sack of hash browns. No coffee, it makes him sluggish. The NFL fines him $35 for not peeling the cantaloupe.

6:15AM     Shower, shave, shave, shave, shine his head (Turtle wax) and dress. The NFL fines him $1500 because turtle wax was put on the illegal NFL substance list, at 6:01AM that morning.

6:45AM     Harrison climbs into his car. He has a custom made Cadillac that runs on pedal power. Gotta be green. In no time he is doing 60 on the freeway. There is a strange thumping sound coming from the trunk...Oh yeah, he still has Punxy locked in there. The NFL fines him $1000 for improper imprisonment.

7:00AM     James hits the gym for his pre-practice workout. The neighborhood ladies hate going to the gym this early, but they do. The NFL fines him $75 for encouraging improper thoughts.

7:05AM     One of the ladies is asked to get something from Harrisons trunk. This is the only safe way to get Punxy out. She returns carrying Punxy who is all smiles and shyness. The NFL fines him $163 for putting a citizen in danger.

7:46AM     James finishes his workout. Punxy has climbed to the top of the rock wall and refused to come down. Harrison shakes the rock wall until PP falls. The NFL fines him $400 for cruelty to rocks.

7:47AM     Dangling him by the left foot, Debo carries Punxy, growling,  to the car and zip-ties him into the child seat in the back seat. The NFL fines him $90 for the improper use of a child seat.

7:48AM     A young lady is having trouble parallel parking, so James picks up her car and places it in the parking spot. The NFL fines him $250 for failing to have the lady use her turn signal.

8:00AM     Harrison stops at Sheetz for a gallon of Gatoraid, 6 Slim Jims, 4 tubes of Pringles, and a box of doughnuts. While there he stops a gang or former Russian special combat troops from robbing the cashier. The NFL fines him $925 for not reading them their rights.

8:30AM     Roger Goodell calls James and informs him the NFL is fining him $2500 because Tom Brady stubed his toe getting out of bed. The NFL levies an additional fine of $150 for hanging up on the commissioner, or as they call him, The Grand Pubah Of Arbitrary Rules And Decisions.

9:00AM     Finally, he reaches the Steelers facility, where he tosses Punxy to Troy in the first team meeting. The NFL fines him $338 for an illegal forward pass.

10:26AM    During practice, Casey Hampton asks Debo to hold his helmet so he can stuff Punxy in the ball bag. The NFL fines James $458 for defensive holding.

10:51AM    James Harrison is held by one of the offensive linemen. He is fined $1128 for causing offensive holding.

12:00PM    Lunch: Salad: 4 heads of lettuce, 8 carrots, 6 cucumbers, 22 turnips, 13 tomatoes and one cricket. Main course: 3 deviled ostrich eggs, 2 deep fried pigs and a 25 pound sack of rice, raw, with bag. Desert: 1 York Peppermint Patty (He is watching his weight). The NFL fines him $38.60 for the fall of the Mexican peso during heavy morning trading.

12:45PM    Debo takes a quick power nap. The NFL fines him $1268.50 for contributing a green house gas to the atmosphere.

1:15PM     James joins the defense in the projector room to watch film of the Jets. He vows to get even with whoever let Punxy loose while the lights were off. The NFL fines him 98.50 for having a ruptured testicle. (You might have to read this: to understand)

3:00PM     James goes to the training room for his brick massage. The NFL fines him 836.62 for using a non union mason.

4:05PM     Harrison showers before heading to a charity event. Dropping the soap, he is the only man in history who has never had a fear about picking it up. The NFL fines him $6,457.82 for the Gulf disaster.

5:30PM     Harrison donates all the money fans have sent him to pay his fines to the charity he created. The NFL fines him the exact same amount for being charitable.

6:00PM     Debo has a light dinner of sauted cow, french fried bamboo sticks, boiled gravel and southern slow cooked railroad spikes. The NFL fines him $45,387.26 for contributing to deforestation.

7:06 PM     Walking to his car, James notices a building about to colapse. He holds it up long enough for the occupants to escape unharmed. The NFL fines him $26,592.91 for the war in Afghanistan.

7:30PM     Having a beer with a friend, Harrison has a Corona. The NFL fines him $14,275.76 for encouraging illegal aliens to cross the border from Ohio.

8:19PM     Harrison goes to his blacksmithing class where he hammers a piece of 600 pound steel into a cross with his bare fists. The NFL fines him 128,948.59 Swedish cronars for human rights violations in the Congo.

8:40PM      Rex Ryan calls. Harrison agrees not to hit Sanchise too hard. The NFL fines him 478,284.89 Russian rubles for an illegal hit on Mark Snachez.

9:30PM     James purchases a hot dog vendors cart from him and eats the contents as he pushes it home. The NFL fines him $25,000.00 for causing Lindsay Lohan to start drinking and having loose sex, again (This, coincidentaly, is the exact amount Roger Godell will be paying in tuition fees for one of his children the next day).

10:00PM    James Harrison slips into his Steelers pajamas, writes zero in his check register, says his prayers and goes to bed. The NFL fines him $68,735.28 (On Credit) for the increasing duck population in South Africa.

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