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The Rooneys set Ben up, the real reason Anderson Retired!

 

Bear with me here. Big Ben plays his best when faced with stress and when under duress, not trying to rhyme there. When under pressure he has shown the ability to elevate his game to levels that few have reached.

So I imagine a meeting between the Rooneys, Colbert, Tomlin, BA, and Kenny Anderson right after our last Superbowl win.

Art Rooney II: You may wonder why I gathered you here today? Mike. Kevin and I have been talking and we see an issue with Ben that needs addressed.

Mike Tomlin: Well he can always improve, but how can there be an issue? Did you see that final drive?

Art Rooney II: Yes I did, and Ben played masterfully, but he only seems to really play that way when under intense pressure. We can't always count on him being under that kind of pressure.... Or at least we can't count on it "On the field."

Mike Tomlin: What are you saying?

Kevin Colbert: What we're telling you, Mike, is that it has been arranged to keep Ben with some constant pressure over his head for the entire next season. We are going to frame him for rape.

Kenny Anderson: You can't do that to him that's just wrong! He could go to prison! What about his reputation? The Dan would never go for this.

Kevin Colbert: Now the Dan is semi-retired and Art is running the family.

Dan Rooney: Kenny, my most trusted friend. Do you trust my judgement?

Kenny Anderson: Yes, Godfather Mr. Rooney.

Dan Rooney: Good, good. Then trust in Art. I have placed all of my faith with him.

Mike Tomlin: (In Anderson's ear) What are you thinking? Never tell anyone outside of the coaching room what you're thinking again? I think you're brain has gone soft from all those bunch formations you're planing with Arains.

Art Rooney II: Now we have arranged for Ben to be taken care of in Vegas (or Reno). I want a reliable crazy bitch to make the move on Ben. Someone crazy enough to get him acquitted, but not so bat-shit crazy as to get carried away and sue everybody.

Now switch scenes to the end of last season.

Art Rooney II: Our plan worked perfectly, Ben had his best season ever, but towards the end of the season he was getting soft again, going on WWE Raw, and such. We are going to need him better next year if he is going to have to overcome defensive injuries as well. Mike, did you leave Kenny outside, I don't want to hear his sniveling again.

Mike Tomlin: Sure did boss.

BA: Mr. Colbert, can we see about getting a few more veteran wide receivers, I'll even get rid of another running back or fullback?

Mike Tomlin: Bruce, you already whacked the fullback two-years ago.

BA: oh yeah, well I can give up Limas.

Art Rooney II: Yeah Kevin, That rat Limas sold Ben down the river in that Cincy game. I don't want to see him again, make that first thing on your list.

Kevin Colbert: Oh, Limas, you won't see him no more.

Art Rooney II: Now back to Ben. BA's daughter has this skanky friend in college down near where Ben's off-season house is. I hear she's a real freak. Now this meeting place is going to have to be somewhere public so that Ben won't get scared, a bar or a restaurant. Now if BA's daughter can find a way to get some beer into the broad, Ben can do em both.

Immediately After the meeting (Kenny Anderson and Mike Tomlin)

Kenny Anderson: You guys are going to do this again aren't you Micheal?

Mike Tomlin: Ken, I told you before. Don't ask me about my business.

Kenny Anderson: *tear falls* It's true isn't it? Tell me it's not true Micheal.

Mike Tomlin: One time, this one time I'll let you ask me about my business! Yes it's true.

Kenny Anderson: I'm leaving you Micheal. I can't take this anymore.  

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