A Day In The "New" Life Of Ben Roethlisberger

I hope that you all read this with the humor that is intended. That being said, if you are easily offended, leave this post now.

8:00AM     Ben is brought out of a pleasant dream about Miley Cirus by his alarm clock.

8:01AM     He picks up the journal that Roger Goodell is secretly making him keep and writes down his dreams. He lies.

8:15AM      Number seven jumps in the shower with the soap on a rope that Ochocinco sent him, just in case.

8:30AM      Breakfast consists of plain oatmeal, skim milk and dry toast. Ben is trying to get used to boring.

9:00AM     In excruciating pain, Ben drops to his knees as he leaves his house. Punxy Palomolu, who had been hiding outside Ben's door, delivered six lightning fast punches, rope-a-dope fashion, to Ben's burgers. Punxy skips backwards (Very few can do this) down Ben's walkway giving the tearful quarterback the finger with both barrels as he makes his way back to Hamp's car. Casey is in tears too.

9:13AM     Ben regains consciousness and staggers to his car. He notices that someone has put a sticker on his rear bumper that reads "I Brake For College Girls". He leaves it on and drives away.

9:30AM     Now sitting in his car in the parking lot of the building where he is supposed to meet his NFL appointed evaluator, Ben starts to sweat. He decides to calm himself down with some music. He puts in his favorite song by "Two Live Crew". You know which song.

9:45AM     Fifteen minutes early, Ben introduces himself to the receptionist for Dr. Rigina (The second I is hard) Boolbuuster, the noted Dutch psychiatrist and feminist.

9:00AM      Rigina Boolbuuster opens the door to the outer office and invites Ben in. She is 5'3", two hundred pounds. Ben's hopes are dashed...Mostly.

9:17AM     Boolbuuster has a massive brain aneurysm when Ben states: "The first six inches were consensual".

9:35AM     After telling the paramedics and the Pittsburgh police, "I don't know what caused it", Ben calls Goodell and askes for a new psychiatrist.

10:00AM    Ben Strolls into the Steelers offices for a meeting with the "Goons", otherwise known as, the Rooneys, Colbert, and Tomlin.

10:02AM    He had no Idea that Punxy was around that corner.

10:08AM    Art Rooney's secretary revives Ben, who she had discovered when she was sent to find him. He pinches her ass.

10:10AM    Ben watches as Rooney's secretary relates the pinch to the Goons, and then he watches Kevin Colbert pay Tomlin $500 cash. Art has to turn a picture of the Chief to face the wall.

10:15AM    Ten 8" X 10" photos of women and their bios are laid out for Ben to choose which one he is going to marry. They are all attractive, upstanding Steelers fans who have agreed to marry Ben in exchange for lifetime season tickets, unlimited access to training camp and getting to make one third round choice in the draft every two years. Ben picks Steelergurl.

11:00AM    Leaving the office, Ben runs into Dan Rooney who shakes his hand and hands him a pamphlet and says, "That's the ticket 'til the marriage". It is a pamphlet for "Cougar Night" every Friday at the Holiday Inn.

11:30AM    The Hillshire Farm representatives meet with Ben to discuss his being their new spokesperson (Yea, I remembered).

11:45AM     The representatives from Weight Watchers meet with Ben to see if he is interested in doing a commercial for them too (Ben's agent didn't even tell him about the offer to be on the television program The biggest Loser).

12:00PM     Ben goes to lunch. He flirts with his waitress, a pretty little Pitt student, until she starts to tap the taser on her belt.

12:30PM    Feeling low, he calls Heff for advice. I mean, come on, three! twenty-something girls at his age? How does he get away with it? Heff tells Ben to grow up.

1:00PM     Things really get disappointing when Ben goes for his weekly massage and his masseur, Candy, is replaced by Sven. That wasn't happy at all!

2:00PM     Waiting for his, now mandatory, weekly hair cut, Ben reads Cosmo, also now mandatory. He thinks the girls are pretty.

2:19PM     For the third week in a row, his barber Al, nicks his ear with the scissors.

2:30PM     Ben calls a press conference to explain, in detail, how his ear was almost sliced off. He claims to have lost two quarts of blood and fifty percent of his hearing.

3:00PM     Back at the Steelers facility once again, Ben is shown to a quiet room where a representative of the NFL re-administers the Wonderlick test.

3:30PM     Vince Young is shocked to receive a call from Ben to ask how Young did so well on said test.

4:05PM     Ben hits the video store to get some movies for the night. He picks up "Dumb and dumber", "Jackass", and "Babe". The last one is a huge disappointment. Although, the lead character does resemble someone he picked up at a club once when he was highly intoxicated. She's currently suing him too.

5:00PM     Only because his sister had set it up months in advance, Ben goes home to prepare for a date.

5:15PM     After looking longingly at the devil shirt his lawyer forbids him to wear, Ben finally decides on a long sleeve T-shirt with the silhouette of a naked girl on it, like the kind you find on a trucker's mudflap.

6:00PM      Sarah's father opens the door in full dress uniform. Turns out, he is a full bird colonel in the army...special forces.

6:30PM     Ben returns to Sarah's house in a shirt and tie. He is more than a little miffed when her father proceeds out to the car and jambs himself into the back seat.

7:00PM     Sarah's Father orders the most expensive item on the menu, and then glares at Ben, daring him to protest. But, Ben is preoccupied with the fact that his favorite restaurant has taken his picture off the wall and replaced it with Michael Vick.

7:22PM     The crowd in the restaurant is startled when Sarah's father stands so quickly his chair shoots across the room and hits a 92 year old woman, in response to Ben telling his daughter, "I have something in my pants for you". Tensions are eased when Ben slowly reaches into his pocket and pulls out his two Super Bowl rings.

7:23PM     Everyone applauds when Sarah's father proposes to Ben.

8:13PM     Ben takes Sarah, and her father, to an art exhibit. BIG MISTAKE! The art crowd are not Ben's people. Several women slap him on principal.

9:00PM     Never in his whole dating career had Ben been so glad to get a pretty date back home. Her father told Ben to call him.

9:32PM     Ben rolls into his driveway slowly, scanning the grounds carefully. When he is sure that Punxy is not hiding somewhere, he sprints to his front door.

9:33PM     He would have never guessed that Punxy had the code to his alarm.

9:46PM     Once again regaining consciousness, Ben picks up his bag of videos and crawls to his room. He regrets having such a big house.

10:08PM    This is where Ben discovers the somewhat dubious tittle "Babe".

10:10PM    Thoroughly having had a bad day, Ben decides to call it quits. He pulls on his Steelers pajamas and crawls into bed. He calls Roger Goodell for his bed check and then goes back to his dream about Miley.