For anyone that's ever worked the white collar world...this one's dedicated to y'all. I know you know what I'm talking about. And I know...that you know...that I know...that you wanna... Oops, sorry got on a tangent. Anyway...
1. Can't you see I'm in the middle of something? My back is turned, my shoulders are square to my monitor, there is a clear typing sound resonating from my cube. This would be the picture you'll find next to the word "working" in the dictionary. In the normal functioning social world, this would generally mean "I'm not looking for a conversation, so what makes you think that my back wants to hear about your droid that you just got from Best Buy, but you're not sure if you should have gotten more memory for apps...but you really like this cool little app that lets you throw penguins through a ring of fire..." Leave me alone Dudley!! I'm working!!
2. Do we all have to be a part of your conversation? Believe it or not, the cube walls are not sound proof. Not only that, but they don't even reach to the ceiling. I'm surprised your eyes haven't caught that as you tip back 13 sodas a day. Oh and your Coke tower is really impressive...way to brag to the world how much sugar and caffeine you ingest per day. No wonder you hate the stairs.
3. Exactly what do you do around here? Every office has them. The eternally busy employee that no one can ever find, that you never see an email from, that you can't schedule a meeting with, that you have no freakin clue what they do...however, they are always extremely busy! That is probably the biggest artform in cube life. Acting busy. Seriously broheim, you're not the freaking CEO, you can find a half hour at some point this week to discuss a little design.
4. Did you read my friggin email??? I should be a psychiatrist. I'd be rolling in cash. This office has more ADHD patients than a doctor's office. Did you read 3 sentences into my email? I just spent a half hour putting it together - laying all the key points and questions out, including all of the necessary people on it, and you didn't even get passed the 1st paragraph...you son of a bitch. Thank you for wasting everyone's time....I'm sure you were too busy drinking Rock Star.
5. In the words of the late, great Sam Kinison....SAY IT!!! I think I've finally figured out what it is you do around here. Yet another artform in the office world is coming up with as many words as possible to ask a simple question. For example, instead of asking "Will you be done by COB Friday?" You say.."Hey Andy...how's it going...good good (you had no intention of letting me respond to that). So you've been working on the graphical user interface today? (uh yes you're my boss you already know that..and again a wizard of rhetorical questions) Well you know how we have the end of the build coming up here at the end of the month...(oh wow...I had no idea that the schedule we've discussed ad nauseam for the last 3 months is finally coming to a close) Well I know you're pretty busy these days and have a lot on your plate, but I was wondering if you'll be close to finishing by the end of this week, because we have that big deadline and the customer needs everything finished by Friday so they can go ahead and start testing (what would you say if I said NO?)."
6. Do I look like a Doppler Radar? The stairwell, the bathroom, the cafeteria...just stop...please. And if you ask me while we're in the parking, imma flog you with a rubber hose. If all you got is a comment about the weather...start walking the other way.
Do ya feel me? Got a personal story?
18 days left folks...we're almost there.