Who does #2 work for? The best back-up QB in the AFC North

There is not much football news to talk about this month.  Therefore, I must compare some inane subjects that do not have a big bearing on anything.  Actually, that is a lie.  For the first 4-6 weeks of the season, this is a very important question for Pittsburgh Steelers fans.  After Ben was just "Airing it out" he has found himself suspended for the first few weeks of the season.  That includes a game against the Ratbirds, even though the NFL hates them and gives them the hardest schedule ever year.

Most likely this fanpost will be extremely satirical and/or boring.  Let's talk some football...or not.  Whatever. 

PS - All links SFW.  Click them, they are the funny part.

Cleveland Browns

Save the best for last.  Therefore I have to start off with this joke err football team group of players that claim they are a football teamBetter.  Ironically, I believe that we could probably put their starting QB in this comparison and he might still lose.  Of course, I am talking about their (presumed) starter, Jake "Wait which color is my team?" Delhomme.  Delhommie went undrafted, but found success in the 4th year, 2004, of his career in Carolina, throwing career highs of 29 TDs and just 114 yards under 4k.  He followed that up with another good year, before going down, down, down faster than Britney Spears after taking home the hottest guy at Walmart.  Last year he threw 8 touchdowns and 18 interceptions and got banned from the 'state' of Carolina.  So, when you are really bad at football, where else do you go but Cleveland.

Anyway, the Doo-doo Brown's potential #2's are Troy Aikman's love child Colt "Golden Boy" McCoy, Seneca "I'm only here because of Holmgren" Wallace, and Brett Ratliff (who?).  Just by name recognition and looking at salaries, I would assume that Seneca Wallace wins the back up job pretty easily.  Actually, as awful as Delhomme was last year, it would not surprise me if he challenged for the starting position.  You lose either way.  Just wildcat Joshua Cribbs all day, you'd have better odds at winning.  Anyway, Wallace has decent numbers, playing the majority of his career as a back up.  He got serious starter snaps in 2008 and 2009, but failed to wow anyone.  I suppose that is all you can ask of from a back-up.

Cincinnati Bengals

First of all, your city name is annoyingly spelled.  Anyway, this team on the verge of a "dynasty" has some pretty awful options.  Behind the "best QB in the AFC North" to never win anything, they have his coattail-riding brother Jordan Palmer and J.T. O'Sullivan.  O'Sullivan looks like the ugly twin of Drew Brees and has played for 4 different teams in a 6 year career.  And no, that is not because he is a hot commodity, it's because he sucks.  He has thrown under 150 completions in his career and has amounted more picks than touchdowns.  Additionally, his sack % is an absurdly ridiculous 12.9% (Ben's is 9.1).  I am going to assume he probably goes through his progressions slower than Arn trying to pick the hottest girl at the Miss South America pageant.

Jordan Palmer you say?  He has good genes.  Well, did you know there was a third Manning?  Apparently, both are as athletic as Michael Phelps out of the pool.  Just think tall and awkward.  Just take a look at Jordan.  Just look at him.  He looks like he should be collecting Magic cards and watching Pokemon in his mother's basement (i.e. Malor's BFFL).  All you need to know is he has played in 3 games, taken 12 drop backs, and thrown a pick or been sacked 33% of the time.  I suppose the pick here is Sully, but who knows?  Who cares?  Just roll another fat Hawaiian over Caron's knee and they are screwed.

Baltimore Ravens

Well the Ravens have the best WR corp ever assembled in the history of the NFL.  It is led by all-world, better than Jerry Rice, Anquan Boldin.  Naturally, any QB put in this situation will turn into the second coming of Tebow.  Or if you are a realist, you can realize that a back up is a back up.  Also, I found it pretty funny that Marc Bulger's 2010 salaray is only about 2 million less than their "Franchise" QB's salary.  Anyway, Bulger was a very smart pick-up by the Ratbirds.  Other than him, they have John Beck and Troy Smith, two 4th year players.  Beck is barely worth mentioning because he most likely won't make the roster, unless they trade Smith.  Smith, a one time Heisman Trophy winner, is fleet-footed but has a lousy arm.  Try to defend that Malor, but he has the worst comp% of all the players on this list.

Marc Bulger is the obvious answer behind the Sesame Street look-a-like.  Before the offensive line became easier to get through than Lindsay Lohan's legs, he was actually a good QB, putting up 90+ QB rating seasons 4 times and 4,000 yards once.  Additionally, he had 3 seasons where he threw 20 touchdowns.  I find this very relevant for Flacco this year, because his best friend is set to return healthy.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Did I mention we had 6 Lombardi Trophies? Count'em.  Six.  That argument annoys the crap out of Cinci and Cleveland fans, so I feel that it is valid here.  We have the best #2 option because we have won 6 six superbowls.  Our options for #2 include Byron "Lefty" Leftwich and Dennis "Slash reincarnated" Dixon.  Lefty is awesome, because his name rhymes with sandwich and I love those.  Ice cream, PB&J, and this one.  Dennis is awesome because he knows where the double Ds at (picture not linked for obvious reasons).

Ok, seriously, I think we can all agree that Dixon has a lot more upside than Leftwich has.  He has the feet of a cheetah and the potential to be a good passer if he can progress his reads (d'oh!).  He played fantastically against the Ravens, in a game I was quoted saying we would be blown out in.  I believe we could have won that game (should have won) if our defense new how to take good angles and tackle.  I think 50% of Ray Rice's league leading broken tackles came in that game.  Anyway, the other option is Leftwich, who I believe will be our starter those first few weeks.  I believe he offers a less drastic change from Ben's style and has a better chance of shouldering the team to victory.  I do believe they should give them both snaps, but I doubt it will happen.

Final Rankings

1. Steelers - With two viable options in Dixon and Lefty, they get top dog honors.

2. Ravens - I give them the edge here by a small margin over the Bengals.  Bulger has proven he can do more with significant snaps, albeit not recently.

3. Browns - Wallace is a legit back up.  I wouldn't be surprised if he was their starter by the end of the year.  Them and the Ravens might be tied.

4. Bengals - By a large margin.  Their back up options suck.  You would think with an injury ridden Carson, they'd get a better option.


If I missed anything, I don't care.  It's Friday.  I'm not even spell, fact, or grammar checking.

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