Your week 6 hate guide
*For good measure I’m putting the disclaimer at the top. So yeah this article contains heaps of profanity and grandiose rage. If you are easily offended, this poast is probably not for you. Also please put on your sarcasm/tongue-in-cheek goggles. God.
Well who’s laughing now Steeler nation? I personally feel the Hate Guide helps guide us towards victory. I felt flat on week one against the Ravens and the team also looked unmotivated. Week two came with renewed vigor and a prompt ass whooping. Week 5 tore the Ten Teeth Titans a new gaping asshole to be plugged with meth.
I even captured this photo of their expert niece molester / coach attempting to speak English.
Seriously this dude definitely dropped out of high school, impregnated his 16 year old girlfriend, and then dropped the baby and split town. Guy just seems like a walking derp machine.
So obviously the hate guide is important to the Steelers season. With this newfound responsibility I will make sure we march forward to victory with our Hate Tanks completely full. Hate would give your car like 200 miles to the gallon but oil companies don’t want you to do it. Hate would cure cancer (only nice smart people get cancer Duhhh). Hate can lead our football team to the playoffs and beyond.
So lets get crackin.
The Steelers this week take on a most hated and stanky old rival: The Jackoftenville Jagoffs
Let me just start by saying Jacksonville literally smells like shit. I remember once driving through it. It looked like Fallout 3 outside. Basically a barren wasteland full of horrors. I farted, which is what a 10 year old trapped in a car 24 hours is wont to do. To escape my horrid stench we rolled down the windows. After doing so, a new and even more foul and vile odor from the bowels of Jacksonville entered our vehicle and engaged my gag reflex like Peter North was treating me like a hooker. This left a formidable impression of shit upon my still developing brain. And now I still carry this hate for such a disgusting asshole of a city.
Jacksonville is like the Detroit of Florida pretty much. Except now Detroit has a good football team. The Jagoffs have fallen hard since they decided neither of their identical twin retard quarterbacks was the right choice. Seriously have you ever seen two quarterbacks so exactly inept in the same ways before on the same team? It was like some scientist botched a clone job and crossed the DNA of Dumb and Dumber into Leftwich and Garrard. And I know Lefty is a Steeler but come on he didn’t do a whole lot in Jacksonville.
The Jagoffs are another shitty expansion team. I really have no idea whose idea it was to put football in Jacksonville but obviously stupidity runs deep in the south. I read that the French were the first to land in the area of present day Jacksonville. This likely explains why their team is good at surrendering and losing games. I hate the French and they stank. And Jacksonville apparently has French blood.
Its actually kind of sad to be honest. There almost isn’t anything left to hate on this football team. Don’t worry, we’ll still find stuff. We can just hate the fact that they suck so bad. I mean literally how many players on their team can you name?
Only Maurice Too-Many-Last-Names is any good. And he’s a goddamn midget for christ’s sake. I so would have shoved his little tiny ass into a garbage can in high school and shouted Mechem Rules. And it just leads to sooooo much commentator pleasuring during games.. ‘’Can you believe this guy he’s the shortest one blah blah blah your balls are so salty and moist mmmm blah blah blah’’ It’s gross frankly. He’s a good player and led me to two fantasy league championships, but he’s annoying and I hate em.
The real wonder in this piece of shit town is Jack Del Rio. First of all this has to be the most retarded surname ever to be found in a born American. Just deport this asshat somewhere please. Cuba perhaps? Let him hang out in Guantanamo getting reamed by inmates. Sounds good to me. How he still has his job is mind boggling. 8 years! 8 damn years. As a player, 1 Pro Bowl, as a coach: Jack Shit. That’s what I shall call this waste of earth’s resources: Jack Shit. All shit and futility save for like one good year where they got away with one against us.
And that’s the reason I hate the Jacksonville Jaguars and they Stank. They knocked us out of the playoffs in a bullshit win they had no business having. Those pube snackers took my season from me. They held all the way down the road making a hole bigger than the one in Matt Jones septum. I’ll never forgive these suckers of scrotum for their crimes against Steeler nation. Lets make these punks our bitches and send them to 1-5 where they belong. Remind these fools what a real football team looks like, something that Jacksonville will never be. Jacksonville has never even won the AFC, and their division just twice. They’ll probably end up relocated. I vote for Anchorage. Piece of dead fish shit team.
Slaves @ Masters
Basically this game is a modern portrayal of slavery by the southern secessionist scum that still want it today. You got Fig Newton, playing the role of the Slaves. Carolina has sucked for years. And Atlanta is the Masters. Led by White Power Matt Ryan. His nickname is even Ice! Double white bonus points. He went to college at Boston for sucks fake. He’s practically a slavemaster expert. But just like an actual Slavemaster, he doesn’t really do any work and doesn’t do anything useful around the shop. Fig Newton goes to work at least. And apparently you can whip Steve Smith hard enough to make him get out of his Iron Lung and play good football in a walker.
Frankly I can’t pick a winner in this game. Both are guilty of being a bunch of inbred Jerry Springer watching meth addicted slavery loving buck tooth havin rednecks. Maybe the Klan will burn the building down.
San Francisco @ Detroit
If you had told me that this game was going to be an interesting matchup prior to this season, I would have asked you for my acid tabs back. However lo and behold and the Lions continue to rawr. Clearly due to the support from this here hate guide. I’m loving watching the Lions go beast mode on everybody. 5-0 is off the hinges. Now I’d love to see Detroit pistol-whip these pansy foreign film watching happy meal banning nudist hippie queers. I’m hoping the Lions continue using the Hate wisely. They’ve avoided my doghouse by stepping up and playing ball. They made Cutler suck face happen. I was happy. Forward Ho Detroit.
Indyaskedforthis @ Gingers
The Colts are 0-5. My hate boner grows one inch with every Colts loss. Hopefully by the end of the year I can unleash the dragon on some teams for the playoffs. Sadly, watching the Colts is starting to fade from awesome to depressing. I mean Manning is probably just thinking about finishing his neck off and calling it quits on life. It’s kinda like an explosion. First it’s awesome and you love it and watch it (even though cool guys never look at explosions). But then after a few minutes it sinks in and you just hope nobody is dead from it. But I do love swimming in Colts fan’s tears. I actually met one today and seemed like a cool guy, he didn’t ask me to inject his insulin for him nor did he eat my sandwich. Seemed like a domesticated one.
But anyway despite all my hate for the Colts, the Bungholes stank harder. And I don’t know what in the hell they think they’re doing at 3-2. They seem to think they’re suddenly a good football team with their soul sucking ginger at QB. I hate these Bengals so bad. I’m saving most of it for later, but suffice it to say I’d love to see the Colts get their first win this week.
Nightmare team @ The Indian Casino
Washington is a rather false team in my opinion. And they run it like a casino, just roll the dice and cross your fingers. Dan Snyder just bought a big ass yacht. I hope it crashes into a rock and burst into flames and consumes Dan Snyder and all his damn ugly money. Screw this bastard who just buys a team and plays with it without actually giving a shit. I bet he thinks it’s just a game rich people play and not actually real people’s lives. He seems like such an out of touch douche of epic proportions. Like his shit smells like fresh steak or something. We’re grateful to be in your presence asshole.
Vick is starting to think about killing puppies again. Seriously how did this man get out of prison? Why can’t we just poke him with cattle prods all afternoon to make up for what he did? He seems pissed off now that his team sucks and he’s not good again. Man gets millions of dollars again and becomes a total asshole once more. Prison doesn’t change anybody, just tames them for a while from all the rape. I’m willing to bet Vick scrambles a lot better because of his prison experience. They should add it to training camp. Pick up the soap while running in circles, a challenging drill indeed.
I hate both of these teams, they both stank, and they both deserve annihilation. I have absolutely no desire to even see the outcome of this shit show.
Taint Looseness @ Pee Bay
A team with no wins, and a team with no losses. Who ya got? I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say the Packers of Cheese go to 6-0 this week. And their mullets and snowmen will grow too. Seriously is there a more primitive stupid looking team than the Pee Bay Packers? Every player looks like some sort of trailer park reject sippin PBR and spittin into a can while fighting with his ugly wife in curlers. I get shudders when I think of how much Oxycontin they must shoot up before games. Just a disgusting champion. It’s a shame the Ramjobs won’t even have a chance.
Great White Buffalo @ NY Vaginas
While normally GWB gets my vote of confidence, this is a great opportunity for the NFC to help us. If the Giants want a get out of hate free card (and who wouldn’t) they could sure earn it by stepping up this week. Sadly the only stepping up that happens around there is when Eli tries to reach for a spoon in the kitchen. Great White Buffalo however has reasons to be hated. One of which is Stevie Johnson. Apparently after a 3 TD game, you’re allowed to change your name to whatever the hell you want. It’s in the NFL rulebook. You can magically tweak spelling or get a fun nickname. So by idiot-riggin that extra I in his name, he went and shaved his head with a dumbass Buffalo in it, and dropped a TD pass against us. And that was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Watching this dumb crack baby cry and whine and blame GOD was priceless.
God: Dishing out humble pie since always.
Besides I’m kinda getting tired of GWB stealing Detroit’s thunder. And Buffalo the city is a shitty snow whore covered in frozen witch’s tit milk.
Heaveland @ Hoaxland
Seriously one site on these here internets claimed that the Raiders would make a playoff spot and not the Steelers this year. I’m in shock. Just because Satan reclaimed Al Davis’ soul doesn’t mean this team still isn’t cursed by fat ham fisted cankley morbidly obese failure John Madden. He was the inspiration for my intense research into the correlation between morbid obesity and shittiness. I hate Hoaxland for all their crimes against Steeler nation and everything they’ve ever done to tarnish our holy name. They dress up like a bunch of closet S&M freaks and run around jawing and yapping and doing absolutely nothing. Sure they have some wins now, but they’ll start falling apart as soon as Campbell’s Chunky Soup starts to taste like shit.
I mean what soccer playing bitch skips a game because of a sore throat? This is exactly what I hate about Peyton Hillis. He’s white so he’s automatically a tough gritty guy. But now what’s he doing? He’s being a punk ass beotch that probably cries when he gets a shot of steroids. He got on Madden because he’s white plain and simple. It’s just asinine. People are calling this stunt a contract ploy, which would make him even more intolerable. I hate people who bitch about contracts and they stank.
Screw this game, screw the Browns and the Raiders and both of their shitty cities and teams and bullshit history and dirty play and revolting fans and bass-ackwards horse stroking management. I hate this game with a passion and can only be pleased by a 0-0 tie.
Houston @ Baltiwhore
Baltiwhore has had a week to try out their new dildos on eachother. So I imagine they’ll be nice and loose for a whooping this week. I feel the Texans stealing a win here on the road. I just think the Ravens will be way to relaxed after their week off. They do that. They can’t focus and play a whole damn season. It’s just not in the cards for them. Flacco is going to be flaccid like a wiener in the snow. Houston wants to improve on the loss to Hoaxland. I see a win here. Houston could get a Get Out of Hate Free Card too here. We could use a tie with the RatBirds.
Stains @ Tampon Bay
Tampon Bay hoasts the Stains and should probably end up being Tea Bagged before the first quarter is over. I expect a serious beatdown from Breesus and Co. It’ll rock them like a hurricane. A lot of shitty matchups this week. This one isn’t very interesting in my opinion and I just have a hard time hating either team when one gave us Tomlin and the other gave us Manning Sad Face.
Anyway I’m sure since both of these teams have shitty D they’ll probably end up doing a classic NFC South Slavery Shootout where approximately 85 points are scored back and forth all game.
I hate shootouts and they stank. The result of the pussyfication of America I say.
OMG TONY ROMO @ OMG Tom Brady Hate Game of the Week
Bonus: Sexy Annoying Media Whore Quarterback Hate
God enough of Tony freaking Romo. This guy is terrible. For two weeks he’s the media’s little whore. I swear any chance they get to praise Romo is taken. Ben gets a head nod for 5 TDs but Romo gets a freaking reach around for playing with a broken rib. You know who else played with a missing rib? Adam. And he lost. Big time. That’s Romo though. He’s had a bye week to heal so maybe he’ll actually return to playing like total steaming shit. I’ll never understand what the world sees in Dallas. I only see dumb farmers pretending to be Cowboys with a bunch of Mexicans doing all the work. Real American dream there. I don’t get it. But for some reason if Tony Romo waxes his ass it’s news. I’m so sick of this guy and I hope Albert Haynesworth takes a nap on him and crushes him into powder.
But Romo has learned from the master of media whoring: Tom Brady. God please strike this piece of manure from the planet. Kill his bastard children, make sure his genetics are never passed on ever again. I just want to cut Brady’s balls off, nuke them for 30 seconds on High, and feed them to him while he’s strapped into a giant Ugg boot filled with old homeless man piss. I hate this home wrecking hair plugging model banging salad tossing attention whore so much and he stanks like Rosie O Donnells asshole after an all you can eat buffet.
Just please for the love of all that is good allow a horrible tragedy to befall this stadium. Let the Patriots and the Cowboys be swallowed by some calamity of dynamic proportions. Perhaps a Tsunami. Maybe a city revolt. Whatever. I mean Bostonians will probably kill eachother within 20 years, or the city will disappear up its own sphincter. But still I just want this scab wiped off our country’s coast. It’s like a giant hairy mole on a beautiful woman. It’s a deal breaker. Screw this city, Screw Peter King, screw the Cowboys, and seriously screw Brady and Romo up the ass with a truck axle on open throttle.
Viqueens @ Gummy Bears
Here’s the battle between the shit teams of the NFC north. Amazing to think that Detroit and Green Bay are epically undefeated, and yet the Viqueens and Bears just suck. Cutler is a joke and I just can’t understand what they see in him. But the Viqueens are in a much sorrier state of affairs. And Bernard Berrian is an asshole and loser that shits on war vets while not catching passes.
Just a real waste of a primetime slot here. I’m sure before the season started this looked like a good matchup but it goes to show you the schedule makers are just a few chimpanzees told to throw poop randomly at walls to pick games. Seriously some of the primetime matchups this year have been so lame already. And it doesn’t get much better.
I certainly won’t subject my TV to a viewing of this shit show. This is like a broadway performance with cripples. It’s like a juicebox without a straw. Basically it’s useless. Hate this game, it stanks. Ignore.
Dead Fish @ Rex Ryan’s big mouth
Ah how good it feels to watch the Jets lose 3 in a row. They are a fraud and they suck. I hate em and they stank. We showed it in the playoffs and now of course everybody has to copy our great image. We ran over the Jets and so can you. Shit I’m willing to bet some kindergarteners can run through this Jets D like it was recess. It feels great watching the Jets stank like the contents of Rex Ryan’s colon.
While I’d love to watch the Jets lose every single game for the rest of Rex Ryan’s tenure there, the Dolphins are horrible. Their quarterbacks are like B-movie actors basically. Nobody good. Nobody you’ve ever heard of. It’s absolutely atrocious. And when Chad Henne going out for the season is big news, well you know your team blows whale cock.
If I were Miami, I’d mail it in and consent to suck for Luck and just go out and sip margaritas and bang cheap latina hookers. But that’s me.
Battle of fat coaches here. Rex is fatter making him less awesome, but Sparano doesn’t have shit to work with. He’s like a contestant on Iron Chef with the secret ingredient of Semen. Rex Ryan is just an incompetent asshole that can’t manage the few good parts he has.
Screw this game.
God this week I just want almost every game to burn in a fire or be stricken with leprosy or attacked by mutants or something. And there’s a lot of garbage games this week. I’ll probably just watch the Steelers and Ravens this week and even that might not be very interesting. It’s a boring week, but keep the hate up and let it fly. Don’t wanna fall asleep on a Jacksonville team that usually gets off their asses to play us.