Your week 7 Hate guide.
*For good measure I’m putting the disclaimer at the top. So yeah this article contains heaps of profanity and grandiose rage. If you are easily offended, this poast is probably not for you. By now you should know what you’re getting into. But for the brave newcomers, put on your sarcasm and tongue in cheek armor.
Another week of hate, another victory for the Steelers. We continue taking care of business. I’m convinced there must be a reading before the game, because we are just tearing people up in the first half now. But Tomlin needs to re-read the hate guide for the second half. Or maybe I have to make two. I don’t know what to do. We start out on fire and destroy teams, then we lose the hate and the other team gets back at us. We dodged a bullet this week.
Folks, make sure you don’t lose your hate when you see us go up big early. That’s two weeks in a row that I sat there and said ‘looks like we get a blowout’ only to watch a nailbiter. I too am guilty of this. We shall hate for 60 minutes just as we expect our players to play for 60 minutes. That’s our mission this week: Hate and Play 60 minutes.
Speaking of 60 minutes I really hate that damn preview for it when they put that ticking stopwatch on the TV. Sound of it creeps me out. I guess I didn’t grow up in that age, my mental image of a stopwatch is a digital beep. When I hear that tick tick tick I just picture some terrorist about to blow himself up in America. It makes me feel scared and nervous. I hate it and it stanks. 60 minutes obviously is pro-terror.
But anyway, lets get into the games. Are you ready for some hatin? Put a clothespin on your nose cause these teams stank and I hate em like I’ve hated vegetables since I was a wee lad.
First up for a bashing: The Arizona Retardinals vs your Pittsburgh 6 time champion Pittsburgh Steelers.
Ok the Cardinals used to be a team I didn’t even remember. Like I actually didn’t know they really existed. I heard their name once in a while and I just figured they were talking about Baseball or something. I just didn’t realize there is actually a team in the middle of this arid empty garbage dump desert called Arizona. Arizona is Spanish for a place useful for dumping your shit and dead bodies. For example: ‘’Amigo, donde pongo esta prostituta muerta?’’ En la Arizona huevon!
I mean there is literally nothing of value in this state. Once again, so much so that the football team doesn’t use the city name. Probably because if you heard it you’d have a clueless expression on your face and you’d say ‘Where?’
So imagine when I heard they were going to play us in a super bowl a few years ago. I was shocked. I immediately consulted Wikipedia and found out that there IS a really shitty team located in the desert that sucks massive quantities of erection.
And as usual, 53 bodies and dreams and hopes were buried in holes in the desert right next to the Mexican cartel’s dead bodies. So again, Arizona went back to my list of teams that don’t exist.
They last won a championship in 1947. As in 64 years ago. My one grandpa wasn’t even alive yet. In 1947 Im pretty sure you couldn’t even do a forward pass so I’m not sure how the Cardinals won since that’s the only thing they’re good at now. Just an absolute atrocity of a team that somehow managed to score their 15 minutes of fame.
I hate this team’s stadium and it stanks. Mostly because it’s name is retarded and confusing. The University of Phoenix stadium is located in Glendale. Already retarded. But more retarded is that a university, an ONLINE university, is sponsoring an NFL team. And this particular university doesn’t even have athletics. So exactly what is the purpose of sponsoring a football team? I think it really explains how terrible Arizona is. They’re being paid by a college so clearly it’s a college team. When I hear University of Phoenix stadium, I picture a shitty college team that doesn’t exist. Isn’t that exactly what the Retardinals are? Just a shitty college team that accidentally got let into the NFL.
What most people don’t know is that the stadium was built on top of an Indian Burial Ground. Because of this, the stadium can’t fill up with fans who fear for their safety, and the team forever will suck harder than a newborn baby on its mom’s tit.
But their greatest offense is poaching every last one of our coaches and players. It’s disgusting. Sure we let them go, because Pittsburgh represents America and freedom and liberty. We won’t make you stay if you don’t want to. Basically this is Arizona’s business plan:
1. Take everybody Pittsburgh drops
I think #2 is ‘’Be a terrible shitty useless waste of NFL space’’
Ken Whisencunt can go Whiz on Ray Horton and Joey Porter’s and Clark Haggans’ and Bryant McFadden’s and Crezdon Butler’s faces for all I care. Taking our spare parts won’t build a championship you trick play loving ball of pubes.
Arizona, it’s time to go back to your shithole state and roast under the hot sun until your skin melts and burns and your eyes are consumed by buzzards. I’m tired of your bullshit. Get the hell out of my NFL. There couldn’t be a less futile team in the entire league. Even DETROIT has won a championship after you. I hate you Retardinals and you stank like a truck full of Mexicans trying to cross the border.
I expect the Steelers to remind this team why they haven’t won in 64 years. We’re gonna beat em by 64 points if I have anything to say about it. Seriously screw Arizona just go test another nuke out in that desert, only this time point it at Phoenix. Sell this state back to Mexico.
San Diego @ Old York Jets
Could either of these teams be more annoying? The Jets are just a constant pile of shaudenfrude shit and San Diego is the classic ‘’regular season champ’’ that never actually wins jack. First off I hate Spanish named cities in America. If you wanna be in this country speak some GD English for christs sake. I’m an English teacher and when they don’t speak English they take my jorb! Switch to English please. Speak my language.
So aside from not really being a real American city, and therefore not eligible for the NFL, San Diego is still annoying as hell as a football team. Dwarf running back? Check. Super douchebag jerkoff QB? Check. Stupid ass lightning bolts all over the place? Check. Lucha Libre blue outfits? Check. Constant media slobbering? Check. Shitty division that offers virtually no competition? Check. Annual meltdowns that result in underachievement? Check. That’s my favorite part though, they always lose. San Diego blows in the playoffs and for that I can’t take them seriously.
The Jets might be getting back on track. We’ll wait and see. They haven’t done shit for us so far, I don’t expect them to again though. I think San Diego will continue playing well.
Pooston @ Ten’Teeth Titans
Pooston and the Titans fighting for the division is like watching two monkeys fight over the last banana. They just throw shit around and scream and jump up and down. But really they’re not going to win much. Sure one of them will make the playoffs, but they’ll be out as soon as they get in. Really though it would help us if the Texans lost this one. We would matchup better in tiebreakers if Tennessee wins. So for the moment I continue hating Pooston because they could do us a favor last week and beat the Ravens. Thanks a lot urethra lickers. I'm cheering for a UFO to come and abduct all the retarded fans and players in attendance. I hate these teams and they stank
Denver Donkeys @ Miami Sardines Futility Bowl
Miami got beat again, this time on MNF. And the Donkeys suck so bad it’s embarrassing. Just one win between BOTH of these teams. 9 losses. Basically this is the battle of who want’s to LOSE more for draft position. If you really consider watching this game, you must have a seriously screwed up sense of morality. This would be like watching a literal dog fight. Disgusting. Just do the humane thing, and put both of them down by lethal injection. Neither of these teams is worth your time or your electricity. I hate em both and they stank, end of story. I hope the 16-0 Dolphins are watching this game and getting smacked over the head by a bottle of champagne for every game Miami goes without a win. I hate this pompous asshole team that thinks just because they went undefeated once they’re the greatest thing since sliced bread. Marino didn’t even win a championship for cryin out loud that’s how terrible Miami is. I hate em and they STANK.
Shitcago @ Tampon Bay
Somehow Tampon Bay rebounded from their gang raping by the 49ers to give a raping of their own to the Taints. Shitcago had a good game but it was against the Vikings, which will soon be sent to the UFL as a new franchise. The NFL is probably going to package Jacksonville, Arizona, the Vikings, and the Lions to the UFL. Just dump off all the shitty teams that never panned out. This game actually could turn out to be good until both quarterbacks switch to suck mode and throw picks to the other team the whole second half.
The Klan @ Detroit
Detroit fans be on guard. A bunch of slavery loving KKK member fans of the Falcons will probably be heading to Detroit. I shouldn’t have to explain the demographics of either fanbase. But Detroit is about 85-90% black, and Atlanta has a long history of loving them some secession. So Detroiters, watch your backs this week.
I had very much sad when Detroit finally lost a game the other week. This game will prove if Detroit is for real or not. Atlanta stumbled early and is only .500. Which is typical of such a shitty underachieving team that doesn’t actually have any playmakers. Plus their owner is just the biggest retard in the league. He sold the farm for a wide receiver. That’s like cutting yourself 50 times and jumping into a vat of AIDS. What are you thinking?
Hopefully Detroit smacks these white hat wearin rednecks and sends them packing with a 3-4 record.
NFC Browns @ AFC Browns
The NFC Browns are located in Seattle. And the AFC Browns are located in Somalia. Not sure which is worse. Both teams suck. I’m cheering a team of Somalian Pirates to sail down the river (which will be on fire in Cleveland) and for them to round up and execute everybody on the field. I just hate both of these shitty teams and they stank. I really couldn’t care who wins this one. Maybe a tie? Or hell, just let Seattle lose by a controversial call so I can drink up some Seahawk tears for another week.
Did you know that Seahawk tears could be used to hydrate the entire city of Seattle? The city is planning to build a ‘’pussification’’ plant which will process all the pussy crying tears of everybody in this city into a nifty collection system, which they will later drink, and piss out, and cry out, and drink again. Thus continuing the cycle of shit that are Seahawks fans.
Rednecks @ Housecats
Another shitty NFC matchup. I know Shitty and NFC is redundant, but seriously come on how do we get this matchup? Flex scheduling should just be allowed to delete a game and assign both teams a tie. Neither one is any good and both are just a waste of a TV channel. I estimate this game will get on the Redzone channel twice. John Beck is starting by the way. So you get to look forward to that. Should be about as entertaining as watching your grandma get dressed.
Kansas Pity @ Coke-land
Meth or Cocaine? Who ya got!? I got the Coke heads, because at least their teeth won’t fall out. The Raiders actually will be pretty good this year for a change. I wrote recently that they’ll go to the playoffs. I’d love to see KC help us out here but they can’t tie their own shoes without Todd Haley blowing an artery, much less beat a competent team on the road. I’m expecting an easy win for the Butt Raiders.
But I have to say I now have a modern day reason to hate the raiders and declare them stanky. This trade for Carson ‘’uses his Palm’’ er for basically all the draft picks Oakland had left just makes me want to defile Al Davis corpse with a silver cross. I swear to god this is the most irritation thing about the Raiders. It’s like taking candy from a baby. Seriously it’s like a Blind guy asking you to break a hundred, and you just give him 5 singles. I swear how can the Raiders be so stupid when it comes to trading for players and using draft picks? It’s mindboggling. An autistic chimpanzee crack baby that was dropped on its head and weaned on alcohol could literally pick draft picks better than the Raiders management.
Fortunately Mike Brown is not far behind on the retard scale. So hopefully those picks won’t end up hurting us too much. But seriously F**K you Oakland. I hate you, you stank, you always have, go rot in hell with Davis.
Green Gay Jackers @ Vipeasants
Well we know who’s going to win this one. The Jackers are just going to tear up the Vipeasants who couldn’t win a game with a 10 point headstart now. Still that’s what you get for drafting a QB named Tarvaris. Way to go there. Don’t you know that quarterbacks can only win superbowls with normal American names? Some stupid Jamacian jambalaya reggae pot smoking tribal name that you just invented while smoking crack does not make for a good NFL player.
Consider the winners of the last super bowls:
Aaron, Drew, Ben, Eli, Tom, Peyton, Trent. Less letters is better. Notice how Tom and Ben have multiple rings, only 3 letters. Figure it out Vipeasants. The Jackers made the right call and that’s why they rule their division and not your sorry purple wearing asses. I hate people with annoying invented names and they stank. Just name your kid ‘Mistake’ or ‘Failure’ or ‘Whoops’ and be honest about it.
St. Louis Rams it @ Cows
The fatass cows had a chance to make me mildly happy with a win over New England. Yet, again, they suck. Tomo Romo is the most overrated quarterback in the history of human existence. I have never seen anybody get fawned over more often, only to suck so hard. But the Rams are pretty terrible and traveling on the road it’ll be another Chance for Tony NoNo to look amazing and cause commentators nationwide to salivate and suppress their gag reflexes. God I hate this team so much. STL could get a really nice win and some love and support from the hate guide with a win here. The Cows just need to be cut up and sold out of the back of some Meheecan’s pickup truck. Goddamn Texas… Why do you continue to frustrate me every week? Why can’t you just die? Ugh I hate the Cows so freakin much.
Colts @ Taints
What was supposed to be a super matchup this year is now relegated to a serious disaster. If New Whorelins finds a way to lose this one I’ll lose faith in humanity. The Colts are terrible. Terrible isn’t even the beginning. It’s like having your entire family die in a hurricane horrible. It’s like child slave trade terrible. It’s Martha Stewart terrible. It’s just disgusting and it needs to be eradicated. I’d say just call in FEMA (if they can arrive by Sunday) and clean up the Colts from off the floor and put em in barrels and drop it in the bottom of the ocean. Just get rid of this disgusting black stain from Lucas Oil.
Baltiwhore @ Jacksonville (Hate game of the Week)
I swear the schedule maker must just love the Ravens. They get all the easy games on the road and the hardest ones at home. We get shitty Seattle and Jacksonville at home, but we get Houston on the road. Baltimore gets them at home. Lucky filthy ratbirds. Jacksonville will lose this game handily. Still, it’s no reason to fear.
Folks I know a lot of you seem to be afraid of Baltimore. What is wrong with Steeler Nation? Baltimore is a good team no doubt, but certainly our team will take care of business. One game a season does not make. We’ll rebound against them and get our revenge. You know the staff is working hard on figuring out a way to stop them and move the ball against them. And we will. I expect a close, but consistent win against Baltimore. We’re gonna reach up Ray Lewis gaping asshole and pull his heart out and stab it with a knife, and then lie about it in court. We’re gonna rip Flacco’s unibrow in two and put it back on his ugly Bert and Ernie face. Haloti Ngata will get nada in that game. Suggs will Suck. Everybody on that team is going down and I swear it will be because we’re fired up and hate them harder than they hated us in week one. Embrace the Hate and feel it build. In just a couple of week’s we’ll be focusing on Baltimore and it’s time to start filling your tanks full of hate in preparation.
This week the Patriots don’t play as they’re busy video taping other teams.
The Bengals were suspended by the league for the week for being assholes.
The Giants took the week off to gloat and celebrate being better than the other NY team.
Michael Vick is off this week helping dog shelters put down old sick dogs. He says ‘’It’s like what I used to do but for a good cause, exciting and helpful at the same time!" He then threw the Microphone to the wrong news team.
The 69ers are still jumping up and down with Jim Harbaugh and looking to punch out coaches. Seriously, the Harbaughs are gonna be getting some hate shoved up their asses this year.