Your Week 8 Hate Guide: Patriots Edition

Your week 8 hate guide *Patriots Edition!!!*

*For good measure I’m putting the disclaimer at the top. So yeah this article contains heaps of profanity and grandiose rage. If you are easily offended, this poast is probably not for you. By now you should know what you’re getting into. This is the Patriots edition, meaning it’s going to be extra ridiculous and hateful. If you have the internal fortitude to continue, Dive on in.

The hate guide is strong. Last week it provided our Steelers with a convincing win, and 60 minutes of football. As I cautioned us last week, we can’t let off the hate halfway through the game when we get an early lead. Again, we were up 14-0 and in the back of my mind I thought ‘’another easy game.’’

Except after applying the lessons in hatred we’ve learned over the last few weeks, the Steelers put 60 complete minutes into a game and made sure the Cardinals never actually threatened us in any way. This is what hate can do. It can overwhelm an opponent. It can reduce a possible defeat into a dominant victory. It can silence a crowd, it can blow out Beanie Wells’ leg.

And it can make the Ravens lose a game. Few things make me happier than when the Ravens lose. We are now officially on top of the AFC north, although to really seal the deal we need to take things to another level these couple of weeks.

This is the game you, my loyal readers, and fellow fans of the Steelers, have been waiting for. This is make or break time. This is our biggest game of the year so far, and it's time to nut up.

I decided to break tradition and provide the guide this late Tuesday night, just to make sure we've all had time to fuel up our hate shuttles for a blast off into our enemy's faces.

With that in mind, this hate guide is focused on our upcoming opponents:

The America Hating Colonial Cuntsucking Cheatriots and their bastardly team of douchebags.

Let’s get into it. I’ve been waiting for this one for a while now, and my hate is boiling over and ready to explode..

Where to begin? Hating New England is similar to videotaping another team to see their play calls. There are just so many angles you can set the camera up from. Same with the hate, I could start in about 1000 different ways, all of which will equal victory, but I suppose I’ll trust my burning gut on this one.

The first thing that really chaps my ass with these stink fingers is their name: New England. Could you hate America any more Boston? Seriously how in the hell is it ok for us to use this name in this country? England is a POS country that deserves its own hate poast, maybe if we play in London someday I’ll give enough of a shit to expend my energy towards that useless island. But I remember once upon a time America gave London, and the world, a swift kick in the nuts. Naming a football team after the country that formerly shit on us all the time is like raping the Statue of Liberty in the ass. It is a crime against the constitution.

What’s worse is the TEAM is called the Patriots. So they are patriotic to England. Just go kiss your stupid queen’s ass. I bet Belicheck sleeps with Queen Elizabeth and they count eachother’s wrinkles tenderly. It probably goes like this…

‘’Lord Belicheck shall we have some crumpets and tea?’’

(grumbling)

‘’Oh billy boy have you soiled your loins again? So have I! Shall we call the manservants? Yes we shall’’

(manservant ready to kill himself enters with a bedpan and a roll of toilet paper)

‘’My queen, you’ve shat your trousers yet again. Bollocks! And sire Bill, you too fancied a shitting of your garments also! Please wait right there, I’ll tidy your soggy old rectums so you can return to your duties of ruining the world.’’

‘’Jolly good!’’

“grumble grumble The Queen is questionable for Sunday’’

It’s really the best explanation for spygate folks. The Queen used MI6 to tape the Steelers and defeat them because she still thinks Crapnchewthis is one of her colonies. And Queen Elizabeth and Hoodie probably get it on.

So suffice it to say anything from Britain is hated and stanky by my terms. Guilty by association New England. Stop hating America and change your name, or I’ll sell you back to your stupid island whore mother.

But that’s just the tip of the hateberg.

I really hate when the word genius is thrown around in the NFL. Genius is a pretty damn high adjective. Da vinci was a genius. Einstein. Steve Jobs (love apple or no the dude was ahead of the curve and more creative than any hippie pot smoking art collecting reggae retard wannabe will ever be).

But Belichicken? How genius is he really? About as much as Taco from The League. Lets see his career list of achievements. He managed to get the Browns to a playoff game. Not the current Browns (that WOULD be a miracle) but the Pre-ravens not totally shitty Browns. That’s as far as that Genius could take that team. Then he left it after it moved to Baltimore. And surprise, it got a lot better. Won a super bowl 4 years later, one year before Hellicheck. Indirectly, by not attaching his saggy tits to the Ravens longer, he allowed them to become the intolerable sacks of rat shit that they are today. But that's for next week. But thanks for that too Belidick.

But how did Belicunt win his super bowls? By being a mastermind as the talking lobotomy patients on your pregame shows say? Not at all. He did it by stumbling across a superqueef from another planet where douchebag-based lifeforms exist. Did he draft and groom and unleash Brady? No, Brady rot on the bench the first year while Drew friggin Bledsoe played and eventually got injured. No Bledsoe injury, no SBs, at least not in 2001. What a gift from heaven! Yet Belishit is the genius.

Then I guess all along he’s been taping everybody. Really original genius like idea. Do you think if Jobs was taping other people we’d have an Iphone? We’d have a shitty apple Japanese looking flip phone. So basically you’re so fuckin stupid Belicheck that you couldn’t win anything without a big accident gone good and cheating. And since we took one of those away you haven’t won shit. Seriously go die of heat exposure in the middle of a desert with your ugly Grinch hoodie on you asswipe. Screw you for hoggin all the lips and tongues of ESPN and NFL.com and every other news outlet. Go to hell for your asshole bullshit injury reports. Get AIDS and die for your asshole demeanor that hasn’t cracked a smile once in its life. I hope you die sad and alone you sick waste of oxygen. Hope you get prostate cancer that spreads to your balls and then your face and then your eyes and then your empty cavity where a heart would be.

I hate Bill Belicheck and he stanks like a fat kids ass.

Oh there’s more don’t worry.

Let’s not forget about the god awful shit heap called Boston. According to me, there was once a significant event in Boston. It was called the Boston Tea Party. And in it, everybody Tea Bagged eachother for about 3 hours until the British had enough of sucking balls and got pissed off.

That’s like literally the only thing in Boston’s history that you know about. Tea bags.

Boston Crème Pie is shit. If I want a bunch of empty fluff that doesn’t fill my manly belly I’ll just grab a can of whipped cream. At least I can get high off that instead of a face that looks like the end of a bukkake. Pretty appropriately named desert for such a horrible place as this, since I’m pretty sure all these assholes do is creampie eachother in the mouths.

Boston Market. Does not hold a candle to real Peruvian pollo a la brasa and their attempt is a joke at rotisserie. And their gravy is like a toddler’s diarrhea compared to the Colonel’s gravy.

That’s about all I can come up with as far as significance from the city. That’s the only 3 things that came to my mind.

And the people are just the most god awful beings, right up there with Jersey Shore types. Here are the worst bandwagon fans that I know. I used to have a buddy who was a diehard Pats fan. For no reason at all except that they were good when he was young and it stuck. Way to be a douche and cheer for a team for no damn reason. Course we were in Detroit…

But yeah nobody in Boston actually gives a shit about the Pats. Or really any sport. I’ve never met a knowledgeable Pats fan that knew the ins and outs of their team like we do for our Steelers. We can all practically name the entire 53 man roster. I recite it in front of the mirror every morning in front of a terrible towel with badass music on in the background.

Ask a Pats fan about their team: “FAKIN WELKA BABY!!! WELKAS COMIN FOR YOU. BRADY WATCH OUT BOOM GONNA THROW FOR LIKE 5 TDS BELICHECK THE GENIUS IS SMART MAN!”

Brilliant. Slow clap for the slow people.

I hate Boston and it stanks. If a dragon came out of some volcano in Greenland and was hungry, I would send him right to Gillette Stadium.

But if there is one thing in this world I hate with more fire than that of a thousand suns, one thing I would love to piss and shit on after eating spicy thai food, one thing I would love to run over with a train filled with battery acid and STDs, It’s Tom Brady.

I hate Tom Brady more than Michael Vick, Ellen Degeneres, Robin Williams, and even Justin Bieber. The only thing worse than Justin Bieber is a dude who gets Justin Bieber’s haircut. Doing that just automatically makes you the most awful horrible conformist doucher in the universe.

Ever since Brady pussied out of our 2001 game I hated him. Yeah, his little bitch ass got knocked out the first time he played us lets not forget. And you know what, it just goes to show you what type of person and player he is for real. He missed a season due to a blown knee, obviously it’s his weak point.

A note to Woodley: Inside Brady’s knee is another 60 million dollar contact. Go to it, rip it open. Eat what’s inside. Break it in half over your monster thighs. Snap Brady’s bones and make me happy.

But it’s not just that he’s a weakling behind a great line, he’s always casting a shadow with his hyper inflated numbers. Good for you for passing 500 yards, it doesn’t change the fact your team lost to the Bills. Lucky you having played in a horrible shit division for years that never had any challenge at all. The Jets, Dolphins, Bills. Please. Jets are so overrated and Dolphins and Bills have been by and large terrible.

Playoff wins, of course he has a lot. He cheated and had the best kicker ever to play a game.

That is the part that infuriates me when people don’t mention Ben alongside Brady. Brady has NEVER come back to win a Super Bowl with a touchdown. Sure he got his team into FG range 3 times, but that’s it. They’ve only ever won by field goals. That in itself is pathetic. And in his last super bowl he put up 2 TDs that was it. He’s a good player but he’s benefited so much from the team around him, and is not as clutch as Ben because he’s hardly ever had to be.

Even though he’s a piece of wrinkled ass cheese on the field, you might be able to forgive that if he were a decent human being.

This is the part that makes me sick to my stomach. That this man is children’s role model. This man is the exact definition of the Pussyfication of America. A term you’ve heard first here. America is slowly growing into a giant moist vagina where nobody is allowed to be tough and be a hardass and tell other people to go fuck themselves. And if America is the Vagina, Tom Brady is the giant dick shaped tampon going into it.

For the record people were talking this week about folks being jealous of Brady. I’d like to set the record, and all of you, straight. Would I love to have 100 million dollars? Would I love to bone supermodels? Would I love to win 3 super bowls? Are Primanti Bros Sandwiches awesome? Does sex with the lights on rock? Duh and or Hello.

Of course the answer is yes. But am I jealous of some asshat that knocks up said supermodels? Of the shitsack who cries and freaks out about his hair falling out?  Of the whiney prissy cunt that cries when a flag isn’t thrown? Of some juicy fart bag that had to cheat to win? Of some fashion fag that dons Uggs and wears soccer shirts and puts on GQ bullshit instead of dressing like a real man? Not at all. Not jealous one bit. If I ever acted like that I would want somebody to shoot my ass right there in the ground.

But it’s not just that he does all those annoying things. It’s because he does it with such smugness and arrogance that I hate him so much. That’s the worst part. I hate Manning less because at least he’s developmentally challenged and can be manly and ride a tractor on his farm somewhere. I even hate Favre less than Brady because at least he’s a land baron and wears wranglers and isn't afraid to try the ole ''send her a pic my dong'' move. Brady seems like a guy that would roofie your girlfriend. I hate Michael Vick less because at least he tried to be a business man. Brady probably can't tie his own shoes, let alone run an underground gambling operation successfully. He's like a male Britney Spears, he looks good and with some cheating he's good at what he does.

Brady got the world’s best lap dance for free. But like all good things, it’s too good to be true. Those crabs will be itching you Brady when you’re old and your bastard children and aging model wife ditch you and take all your money and leave you homeless in the street. You won’t have any friends, because who could tolerate such a total wad of used condoms? You’ll be in the Hall of Fame sure and people will remember your name but you’ll die cold and alone under some park bench scratching your balls and forgetting your awesome past from all the head damage you’re going to get this Sunday. And that’s exactly what you deserve you piece of shit. You deserve to get some shit on your jersey for all the sparkly white bleach it’s had all your life. Karma’s a bitch and her name’s LaMarr Woodley this week. I hope that monster tears you to pieces and leaves you thinking it’s October 30th 2011 for the rest of your life like in 50 first dates.

I hate Tom Brady, the Patriots, Belicheck, Boston, and everything they stand for and represent. They stank more than Paula Deen’s crapper after thanksgiving.

May they burn in hell this week courtesy of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

For the sake of focusing our rage, I have decided not to hate anybody else this week. A hi-five is extended to the Jaguars for their toppling of the hated Bird rats which I will be hating hard next week.

Hate on nation.