Week 5 Hate Guide: Where we hate things. You know what it is (black and yellow black and yellow).
*For good measure I’m putting the disclaimer at the top, cause I’m a whole new level of enraged. So yeah this article contains heaps of profanity and grandiose fury. If you are easily offended, this poast is probably not for you. Also please put on your sarcasm/tongue-in-cheek goggles. God.
I’m going to start with what happened to last week’s Hate guide. It got hijacked by some serious Trollification like it was a black guy’s car in the GTA games. And it dropped off the list before gameday. We lost.
I hate that bullshit and it stanks. Don’t mess with the Hate Guide. You’re welcome to argue my points all you want, I love free speech. America invented it and god dammit its beautiful! Unfortunately that lets a lot of retarded speech enter. Such is the side effect of freedom: People are free to be stupid.
Fellow BTSCer’s, You are a most intelligent and hate loving bunch, when you see lesser evolved members of our species saying stupid things, please just look away and pat yourself on the back. If you want to put a fire out, cutting its supply of oxygen it is the fastest way.
So with that in mind, keep this hate guide alive or it’ll end up being words screamed at a TV and not on the internets. I want it to be read and enjoyed.
Lets just get our shit handling gloves and overalls on. I feel like that douchebag from Dirty Jobs, I’m gonna have to get real dirty on this first game. The Shittsburgh StillHurts vs the Ten’Teeth Titans
This is also my hate game of the week, because it’s ugly and its time to start lightin fires.
It pains me to desecrate our franchise's glorious name, but at the moment they have left me no choice. I really hate the way the Steelers are playing and it stanks. Especially the O-line. I’m willing to bet if we lined up 5 mannequins from any Torrid store we could defend Ben better. Ben is already being held together with gumbands and bubbly gum and ducktape and loose condoms. Its only week five. Jesus H Jones. How hard is it to realize we win every game when Ben has time. Although my prognosis is good for the Steelers down the road, they’re just looking so bad right now. Maybe Max Starks can help.
And thats another thing. I hate that yinz be panicing and that stanks. Seriously have you NEVER seen us defy the odds and play well when our backs our to the wall? I've seen it. I beileve. The FO just made a move to try and help the O-line. They aren't stupid, they aren't slow, they're friggin smart. Thats why we've been consistently the best team in the NFL.
However, the Ten’Teeth Titans are absolute wretched piles of ass munching herpes. I will never forgive those asshats for stomping on our towel. And since they did that, they haven’t beaten us since. Don’t forget that shit still counts. You don’t mess with the ghost of Myron Cope. Myron Cope is who gave Troy Polamalu and Jesus and Tony Hawk their powers. The Yoi giveth and taketh and it shall take victory from the Ten’Teeth Titans.
I don’t hate these testicle ingesters for their crimes against Cope(s) alone. Really the entire Tennessee Titans are retarded asswipes for numerous reasons. Just their State alone irritates me. I hate teams which use a state name. They stank. It’s basically a sign that your state sucks donkey dong automatically. Think about it. Your state can’t muster up more than ONE good city capable of having something relevant? Most names go back to city competition. So your state sucks at football so bad that only one big piece of shit was produced instead of two developed and we called you the Tennessee Titans. Even sadder, you aren’t really even from Tennessee to begin with. Now you’re a disgusting cross-breed between a dead hooker and cousin-molesting alcoholic. Congratulations. Seriously Tennessee crawl back up the asshole from where you came and die.
Seriously Tennessee, nor the Ass-Oilers that they once were, have won a championship since 1961. 19, 61. That was 50 years ago. Like a bunch of your parents probably didn’t even know it ever happened. That’s how terrible Tennessee is. They aren’t going to beat the Steelers this Sunday. I expect full dominion and devastation for a team led by the worlds least qualified dumbass coach. The expression on his face at any moment is just pure derp.
I hate the Titans and they stank like shit put in the microwave.
NewWhorelins @ Pussies
I’m so sick of hearing about Shit Newton. Seriously what the hell happened to the NFL. Since when do assbags like this throw for like 400 yards a week? Since when did prissy douches that smack it with Celine Dion in the background get to be the best QBs ever? I want answers. Nobody is a REAL football player at QB anymore except our Ben Roethlisberger, who will be the worlds first fully bionic man by the end of the season.
I couldn’t give even half a single shit about this game. Its NFC garbage. If I want to watch college football, I will do so on a Saturday. All the knob slobbering that will be going on during this game with Brees and Newton will have me in full projectile vomit mode within 5 minutes.
Kansas Shitty @ Intheasspolis
I guess KC gets a pretty easy win for themselves. Tampon Bay beat Indy. We beat Indy. Shit everybody’s beating Indy. I think like 2008 0-16 Detroit could beat Indy. And while it’d do us a favor if they won the game, I’m having way too much fun watching Indy suck horseshoes every week. The warm pleasure I feel when Manning makes his ugly head appear in a booth instead of in a uniform is so nice. And the sad face he makes gives me a thousand smiles. I hate the Colts and they Stank so much. I’ve always Hated those bags of dicks. Keep the bukkake going Kansas Shitty.
We need doctor Phil-adelphia @ Not so Great White Buffalo
Normally I would cheer for Great White Buffalo in this game. Because I really hate the Eagles. But GWB really shit the bed last week. GWB was sent to Afghanistan, Ohio. And they couldn’t get the job done. As a result the fountains of shit Bengals are somehow listed above us on the NFL site. And that just makes me furious. Buffalo get your heaps of shit together. Don’t tease me like some expensive Peruvian Brichera. Don’t go beating NE one week just to lay a big fat shit filled egg against my divisional rivals. I don’t like that one bit. I swear to god if you don’t get your act together this week against these cross-state asslubers I will pretend I’m playing Oregon Trail when I see your ass.
SeeAsshole @ Eli Manning’s Mom’s House
Please god don’t let this be a permanent thing. Now Eli Manning is playing above his fetal position teat sucking baby face usual self. So it’s like double Manning hot dog blow job time. I seriously can’t take it. Just not into that genre of entertainment. So it’d actually be nice to watch Eli go back to his idiot self and throw some picks and stop trying to be big brother. He’s obviously not. It must really suck to be forever less awesome than your older brother who was basically the closest thing to a futuristic football robot. I bet Eli just goes to bed crying every night because he hates himself so much. Well I hate him too and he stanks. I hate that whole family.
Afghanistan, USA @ Jackoftenville.
This looks like a nice ugly game in the making. Who’s fighting for 3rd place? These guys are! I really don’t like Gingers and Andy Dalton just really bothers me. When I see him I feel scared inside. I saw a picture of Rupert Grint that fag from Harry Potter and he’s super ginger and man I don’t like it. South Park is 100% right, they have no souls and are creepy freckled bastards. Hitler went too far but with these guys….maybe he was onto something.
Besides, we need to send them all back to prison before 4 or they’ll miss their parole hearing.
Chokeland @ Pukeston
Well now I really hate the Texans and they stank so much. You beat the Steelers, in any situation, and you make me very unhappy. You put me in a 3 way tie with the Browns and Bengals, which is like having a 3-some with your mother and grandmother, and I hate you and you stank. Seriously Houston I don’t know who decided to resurrect your city for Football, but as previously mentioned Houston hasn’t been a football city for a long time. So just stay the hell out of the league. Get the F*** Out. I hope you guys secede from the union just your whole damn state. Somebody said that’s possible. Please do it. Like now. Just go. Take your shitty football and basketball programs with you. I hate everything in Texas and it stanks.
Arizona @ Minnesota
Wow, this game is definitely FUTILITY BOWL OF THE WEEK.
Minnesota is 0-4. That is the worst possible record in the league. That was my John Madden impression. Arizona is just as shitty also. Again, teams with state names people. Teams with state names. Arizona can’t produce anything productive other than an Indian casino. And who the hell still even lives in Minnesota? I literally had to Wikipedia the state to remember what the hell the important cities were. Can we just like sell this state to Canada to like balance the budget? That could be like a real good quick fix. Just dump this ugly roof collapsing pile of garbage to our neighbors to the north.
And Sell Arizona to Mexico. It’s practically already theirs anyway. Win win.
Strapon Bay @ Greatest Receiver city
I read this week that San Francisco permits public nudity. Like just wherever. You can just waltz down the street buck ass naked. I tried to be nice to Bean a couple weeks ago but I’m sorry this crosses the line. I don’t wanna see your tattoo piercing hairy ball sack dangling around when I’m eating outside. Dear god I totally never want to go there now. Screw that. NOTE: HOT PEOPLE ARE NEVER NUDISTS. They just pretend on TV and the internet, but public nudists are never the people you want to see nude. Gross. Let Strapon Bay give em a good pounding.
Rex Ryans 4th Chin @ New England
This one actually shouldn’t be a bad matchup. Problem is I can’t stand the opponents. Brady is one of the few people in this world that just make me angry simply by me seeing him. A simple flash on the screen triggers rage cell division and I get ripshit pissed. Everything about him. I mean seriously could you pussify the NFL any harder? You pussify America Brady. Your whole damn team is part of the pussification of America. Look at me, I’m a pretty quarterback. I’m not a real football player, I’m sensitive in my vagina and I use trendy fashionable clothes that I bought with the millions of dollars I use to knock up and ditch models. I’m the perfect American. I’m the role model for your children. If my child ever once cheered for Tom Brady I would disown him immediately from the family. I mean just straight pack a bag for him and put him outside with like $20 or whatever. Even if he was like 8 years old and did it. Don’t ever do that.
Seriously, Tom Brady fill your big ass swimming pool with acid, then jump in with a pair of lead UGGs and stay down there until I can put you in a barrel and ship you off in a truck to be buried in the desert. Go to hell Brady.
San Dumb @ Dumber Broncos
The Chargers will probably roll over the Llamas because this is exactly what they do. They’re basically like virgins on the first time they have sex. 1, 2, 3, sploosh. The Chargers are just doing what they always do. And I appreciate that honesty. They’ll go to a nice 6-2 start before exploding in their pansy powder blues and fading down the stretch. I’d love it if they started going down now though.
Green Bay @ Atlanta
God I hate both of these teams lately. But really my hurt from Green Bay is developing into greater hate as time goes on. Hate heals all wounds. But it leaves something inside you. Deep within. It hasn’t quite exploded yet, but it may. You’ll know when it blows over. That’s what she said. Anyway I hate both of these teams and the Falcons are steaming piles of dead bodies, so I imagine they’ll lose this one whether I like it or not.
Shitcago @ The Lion Kings
Holy shit this team is now awesome. The Lion Kings came back and shat a big giant prehistoric TRex sized dookie on top of the Dallas Star. And oh my god how much happiness it brought to me. It was probably this moment I watched right after our debacle that gave me the strength to not punch a hole in the wall (and walls in Peru are concrete!)
So with that in mind the Lion Kings are definitely off my hate list at the moment. Beating the Cowboys makes me happy. Making Romo sad makes me happy. Making Jerry Jones wrinkles come back is fun. Shitting on Texas is fun. I want those Lions to go 16-0 and trample everybody in their wake. Can’t do us any harm.
Shitcago on the other hand hasn’t done much of anything worthwhile in a long ass time and frankly I’m kinda tired of them. I’d just like them to go away. I really hate all the teams in the NFC North save for Detroit. Shitcago let Manning win a Super Bowl which is unforgiveable. Thanks a lot assholes. And the Lion Kings deserve a loss to the Steelers in the Super Bowl.
Guess they’ll get a double charge of Hate next week. Enjoy your week and rev up those hate-o-meters. We need to tear up some teams to keep our season alive. If you keep this hate guide up, maybe we woulda had enough to do it. Hate can heal Harrison’s eye socket and Ben’s everything and make a shitty O-Line capable of doing something right. Hate is a powerful ally. Be its friend. Come to it.