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Your week 9 Hate Guide: Baltileast Ravens Edition

Your week 9 Hate Guide

 

*For good measure I’m putting the disclaimer at the top. So yeah this article contains heaps of profanity and grandiose rage. If you are easily offended, this poast is probably not for you. By now you should know what you’re getting into. But for the brave newcomers, put on your sarcasm and tongue in cheek armor. The hate guide is on a real tear, and it’s just getting started.

 

Hey Patriots. Bet you didn’t think Pittsburgh was the, Daaayyynger ZONE!

Oh you’re in it now! How does it feel? I know how it feels, DAMN SEXY GOOD.

I mean jesus almighty himself have I ever seen a more delicious humble pie buffet served on the most holiest of platters? It was like summoning Bahamut to blast the hated and stanky cheaters right off the face of the earth.

Sweet Aunt Jemima’s sugar tits we won dammit!!! We dominated the Pats for 60 minutes of football.  This ranks up there with the invention of Bacon in terms of awesomeness.

The derp machines on the boob tube will tell ya it’s because of this adjustment or that change in personnel or some other logical explanation. But of course the answer is right here: In the Hate Guide.

Remember, hate can do many amazing things. It can cure LaMarr Woodley who will be sorely missed. It can make the other team quake with fear and crap their pants.

Yes, the Hate Guide propels our team towards an onslaught as we have seen since we've improved our community efforts this season. Early in the year, not as many people were aboard the Hate Express. And we faltered for it. The Hate Train is ready to run over the entire league. It’s got hot red fire sparking from its golden tracks, using the bodies of our opponents as the wooden slats. Rage Against the Machine is blasting out of some seriously enormous speakers mounted to the front of it. The front of it is lined with the broken bones of last week’s foes, and it’s looking to eat up some Raven a la brasa. Hope you all buckled your stanky asses up because this train is set to roll out.

And who better to run over with a hate train than the most hated, vile, disgusting, vomit-inducing shit-eating circle-jerking buckets of camel shit FaultnMore Hymens.

 

Allow me to educate you a bit on why this team is such a terrorist laden shit heap. A glance into history is always a good way to start. Last week, the England Loyalists got their asses handed to them in a re-enactment of the declaration of god damn independence. We kicked their Queen loving balls out from between their wide open legs and rolled up balls of shit and put those in their place. The Statue of Liberty turned and pepper sprayed those America Hating rapists right in the dong.

Baltimore is even LESS American than Boston. And that’s saying something. It’s named after an Irish dude. At least we can all agree that England founded this country. But a damn drunk potato peeler singing songs in some sort of jibberish while eating lucky charms? To hell with that bullshit I want some America please with a side of Freedom Fries.   Seriously nobody did a background check on Baltimore.

A few very telling events show you how much the city sucks. Its own citizens tried to just disown it like several times. They had a riot during the friggin civil war, when you need to have your shit together, and they went and lost the city for a while to a bunch of tobacco chewing slave whipping white pointy hat wearing cousin humpers.

Then there was the ‘’Great Baltimore Fire’’ aka ‘’failed attempt at arson.’’ Just leveled a bunch of probably already shitty buildings. Really sad part is that this happened again last year, a big fire broke out. Yes the city that had like the worst fire ever apparently never learned from it.

And oh how that ties into this used diaper of a football team.

Every year the Ravens find a way to win a handful of games close and they run around beating their chests like retarded monkeys trying to impress and molest their zoo handler. They hump eachother and throw some shit around and jump up and down and scream. But in the end, the big security guy comes along, tazes their simian asses, and puts them back in their cages.

Big Ben walks into the room and bitchslaps these taint ticklers with his mighty arm and banishes the winged assholes to hell where they belong. They never learn from their previous mistakes. They are the same team every year and will never be as good as they were when they won their only SB. They still seem to think you can win a SB with a QB that couldn’t teach a middle school how to throw a pass.

God Flacco is just so terrible. I hate him and he stanks like the carcass of a skunk being shit in by a Kansas City Chiefs fan.  Is there a less interesting QB to watch in the NFL? Flacco has a horrible deep ball, no accuracy in the short game, he doesn’t run much, and he always has this expression like he’s trying to figure out the square root of -1, he doesn’t realize it’s impossible and just keeps banging his eyebrow into a wall. On top of that, he is a game LOSER not a game WINNER. Ben is a game winner. Exhibit A: 4th quarter drive to beat the Colts. Exhibit B: 5 TDs against the Ten’Teeth Titans. Exhibit C: Raping Tom Brady so hard you’da thought they were in Georgia.

Flacco’s performances this season: Game sealing Pick against Jacksonville, 2 Picks against the tit sucking Titans (Ben did better didn’t he?), two turnovers nearly losing the game to a horrible Arizona team AT HOME.

By Brett Keisel’s Beard Big Ben has never been as bad as Bert Flacco. And Flacco will never be as good as Ben. I’m so sick of everybody saying ‘’this is the year hurrr hurr derp pffff’’ This ‘’year’’ you refer to does not exist. Flacco will NEVER be good enough to get that team to a Super Bowl and the only reason you’re not a wretched 2-5 team is because your D is actually friggin good.

Obviously it’s hard for a WR to come over the middle when you know the dirtiest team in the NFL is looking to either decapitate or stab (and lie about it in court) you in the face. Ray Lewis should be rotting in a cell getting pounded by some 450 pound Harley riding skin head but instead he gets to be God’s Linebacker. I think if Lewis was really sincere he’d give God a sacrifice this week. God loves a martyr. Maybe Gay Gay can stab himself and bleed out on our field and god can be pleased with that scum off the earth. It would probably stop all world suffering and lead to a new world order or something. That is how awful Ray Lewis is. He is literally the Anti-christ’s crack baby retard spawn and is the reason for all the misery on the earth. He can take his TV commercials, his bullshit preaching, his butt buddy mating call dance he does every week, and a bloody knife covered in maggots and shove it all right up into his gaping sphincter. God I hate em and he stanks.

 

When the Ravens DO get caught by the refs, their next epic douche comes into the scene. The Harbaughs are pretty much the Mary Kate and Ashley of the NFL. These two ‘bros’ just love bro’in down with other coaches and generally being total self absorbed cock sniffers to everybody. After Ashley went and started a fight in Ford Field, my hate for the Harbaughs went to new heights. But Ashley gets her beating later. This week I’m just so pissed at Mary Kate. You are such a smug and arrogant cunt. After a game like the one you had you should be thanking your goddamn stars for not being another game behind Pittsburgh. You barely beat a team that’s been passed around like a peace pipe for 5 weeks. AT HOME. Sweet god you’re terrible.

Of course, after the game’s over it’s the same old conniving smirk, condescending eye roll and pompous prick attitude that makes me wanna bash his car in with a tire iron.  And then I wanna kick Harbaugh out of said car and run him over with it. After that maybe I’ll tie his cadaver to his bumper and drag it through town before dropping it off at the nearest waste management facility.

And the crying after every single fucking foul. You hear more cries from this man than from the entire maternity ward at Children’s Hospital. Sure sometimes you should get emotional, but don’t choose the pussy emotion. John Harbaugh is another result of the Pussyfication of America©. His vagina gets sandy as soon as a yellow flag shows. Inevitably every game has a couple calls that could go either way, and probably some that were wrong. But this man freaks out on every single flag thrown even if the penalty wasn’t called against him. He instantly jumps and shits his pants with terror the second the flag goes airborne.

I mean at the very least wait for the call before you have a cow. And don’t do it when it was obvious to anybody with at least one half functional eye that it was a penalty. Harbaugh has this presumptuous dickly lack of self confidence, for which he tries to overcompensate by being a total clown on the sidelines.

I dug into the Harbaughs past and found out that they were Siamese twins. Actually they were both so deformed and stupid at birth that the doctors deemed them useless and were going to discard them. They were sharing one brain, so a separation seemed impossible. But one brave doctor tried it, and succeeded. Except both brothers would only have half a brain forever.

Being completely retarded, they received very little attention as children. They morphed into ‘Bros’ due to not having a fully formed brain and ran around hi fiving and lifting their shirts up while chugging pitchers of beer and shouting obscenities at their friends while short changing prostitutes.

And that’s why they behave like the idiots they are today. Fuck Harbaugh. I hope I get to see his derp sad flag face like 100 times on the screen this weekend. That’s why he can’t beat us. The terrible towels are too distracting for his simple mind. They look like flags and he starts to have daymares where the refs cost him the game and eventually his job.

Only when he’s a fired useless piece of trash that nobody in the UFL will claim, it won’t be because the Refs stole the game. It’ll be because Harbaugh failed to get the Ravens any hardware and they finally decided to release this moron back into the wild.

$20 bounty to the player that slides into his legs on the sideline and takes his knee out Sean Payton style.  

Even though we tend to beat the Shitbirds when it counts, as it does this week, I really just hate them because they are the most immature team in the league. I’ve never seen a team lose with less grace than the Ravens. Even the Pats lose pretty. Watch any post game conference, it’s full of finger pointing, complaining, and overall disgust.

On the flip side, the Ravens celebrate every win harder than those kids in the Scripps spelling bee when they nail some long word. I mean they act like they just cured cancer every god damn week. When they DON’T get to jump around like a bunch of spoiled brats hopped up on Mountain Dew and pixie sticks, happiness and joy fill my heart and I rejoice. This almost happened last week and when it didn’t I was biblically pissed.

This week I want to see Steeler Nation ride the hate train. Big Snack is in the front pulling that whistle’s cord. Big Ben is barreling it down the tracks right into the faces of Baltimore’s group of murdering gooch gargling pube eating ball gaggers. I’m so tired of this team thinking that it has a right to win this division. The division is earned, and you filthy $5 man whores are going to watch as we light you up in our turf in primetime. While you scratch your heads and cry into your fake terrible towels and try to hide your faces behind idiotic purple camo (by the way dumbasses we can still see you. God, dumbest fan base I’ve ever seen. Where in the world could purple camo be of any use?), we’ll be taking control of the AFC. They won’t even have to print your stupid Division T-shirts that you never win because you won’t even be close enough for it to matter. Yes you suck so bad that African children will go naked and won’t know that you ALMOST won another division. This year, they just won’t know anything about you. They’ll probably just think you died.

And you will be dead. As long as I’m on duty I’m not letting one ounce of liquid hate go to waste this week. I hate every single molecule of your being Baltimore and I can’t wait for you to watch as we shit on your dreams once more. I can’t wait to watch Ray Lewis retire at the end of the year, for Flacco to get traded because he sucks, and for your entire team to be relocated to Antarctica where it’s devoured by polar bears.

All aboard Steeler Nation. Hate the Ravens for 60 minutes just as we did the Pats. Recite the Hate Guide in your sleep. Have Siri read it to you on the way to work. We’re running a train on the AFC and it’s Baltimore’s turn to get boned for an hour.

As last week’s focused hate was very appropriate, I feel the need to repeat this for optimal results. The Tuesday thing may be permanent, I have more time on Tuesdays. Plus the extra day of hate building helps us. The hate poast hit 300 comments and that hate generation led to a whooping.

Don’t worry folks, I’ll be hating the rest of the league soon. But when teams like this come around, they deserve all the hate you got. I’ll keep us filled for the rest of the year. For now lets just worry about the Ravens. We’ll have plenty of new reasons to tear up everybody else next week.

 

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