Your week 10 Hate Guide

Your week 10 hate guide.

*For good measure I’m putting the disclaimer at the top. So yeah this article contains heaps of profanity and grandiose rage. If you are easily offended, this poast is probably not for you. By now you should know what you’re getting into. But for the brave newcomers, put on your sarcasm and tongue in cheek armor. Sorry it’s Thursday but I’ve been busy, and I had a whole lotta hate to dish out this week.

Folks I wanna start by apologizing for last week’s half assed effort on my part. I exhausted my hate a little too much, and the drop off the next week hurt us bad. We didn’t have 60 minutes of hate in us and we gave it up at the end. We fell just a few seconds too short of a full hate period.

This week I’m here to make sure we can last through a college football triple overtime. There’s gonna be enough hate here to make Hitler look like a Frappucino slurping graffiti artist. If this hate were a natural disaster, it’d be a meteor strike that wipes out humanity. I’m ripshit pissed this week. And when you’re pissed you can hate something fierce.

Before getting into our opponent, I feel the need to get a couple things from last week off my chesticles.

First off, a raise of my middle finger to the Ravens. Good job out there but god damn did you luck out a lot. While you’ll all say Rice shoulda had a TD at the start of the game, you still got 3 on the drive. That was a 4 point swing. And both times you boofed our guys brains into balls of sludge like the dirty $4.50 Thai transvestites you are you got away with it. Clark is the worlds dumbest FS and the refs KNOW to watch for him, so he got his just dues. But the great Ray Ray who loves Jesus and murdered somebody doesn’t get the call.

Since he knocked out Hines Ward, we can add the Ravens to the list of teams that hate Asian people. Right up there with the Pats who lead the league in white/Mexican/not asian players and racism in general from their retarded fanbase.

Obviously the Ravens are racist sons of bitches and I hate em and they stank. Dick Chuggs poured BLEACH on his girlfriend for christ’s sake. The dude obviously has race issues. He should pour that bleach in his own filthy man prostitute mouth that’s wide enough for a DP to occur. It might help clear up his giant purple gums and ugly donkey teeth.

But back to the point, if we get those two calls we’re right in College Girls Freshman Kicker Suisham FG range and it’s first down instead of 4th. So screw you and your bitching about the refs. God even when Baltimore wins they think the refs wanted to screw them over. I’m so sick of it. This week we have a legitimate complaint IMO and you guys definitely got your share of the calls. Now go ream eachother with a cactus while you celebrate being regular season champs this year.

Other than that, I’m gonna hope Tomlin just had a senior moment or is back to his pot smoking days of 2007. He needs to man up and tell BA when he’s being a retard. If my OC called two passes in that situation with the game on the line I’d have him stuffed and mounted on my bathroom wall so he could smell my shit every day. There has to be an off button for BA in those situations. If it was Tomlin calling it, then he’s getting too cocky. Look, I LOVE the ‘play to win’ strategy. Cowher used to just run and punt and it usually worked but we lost big games that way. But don’t pass on 1st down. That’s just greedy when all you have to do is salt the game away and leave.

Ok so with that out of the way let’s just say the Raven’s will be roadkill come January if we have anything to say about it.

But this week a new opponent enters my personal diabolical Guantanamo level hell. That’s the Cincitranny Been Gals.

We get to give these bastards a double dose of hate within a short period of time. But that’s no excuse for us NOT to let them have it hard this week. There’s a cornucopia of reasons to hate the pieces of shit from the other shitty town in Ohio.

First off, lets just start with this godforsaken state that reminds you of Somalia on a bad day. Ohio is the absolute worst state in the union I’m sure. There are literally ZERO reasons to actually GO to Ohio. You go THROUGH Ohio, or AROUND Ohio, but you sure as hell never go TO Ohio.

I lived in Detroit, which possibly the only CITY worse than Cleveland. But at least Michigan aint that bad as a state. Our drives to the Burgh through Ohio had to be the least interesting things I’d ever seen. One road through the state, in a straight flat line. Nothing around except cows and their lovers/farmers who are busy fisting them with corn husks. If you drive to one of their ‘cities’, I use that term very loosely because honestly they look like aborted failures of civilization, you won’t find much. Cleveland has about as much life in it as Terry Schaivo did. And Cincinnati is even more god awful.

Cincinnati, and I’ve only seen it once on a drive-past, looks kinda like a city before the Industrial Revolution. I’m guessing nobody called them to tell them about computers and technology and shit. I mean really that place looks as pathetic as a midget trying to block Shaquille O Neal. When you play second fiddle to Cleveland, you’re playing one shitty fiddle. I think the fiddle is the instrument of Ohio.

What I want to know is how in the flaming shit balls did Cincinnati get a football team? The 62nd most populous city in the USA somehow got a football team? That’s like putting one in Anchorage or Montana (don’t know any cities in Montana). So it’s no surprise that their team and owner are just total heaps of horse manure when it comes to football. But then again, they literally can’t do anything right.

Did you know that Cincy actually has a whole series of abandoned tunnels where meth junkies and vampires hang out? They were going to make a subway but it didn’t work out, it got canceled in 1924. That’s how left behind Cincy is. They have a project that hasn’t been finished for 87 years. My grandfather who’s 86 wasn’t even alive yet. Hitler was still sucking on his mother’s tit for cryin out loud.

But the most Ironic thing is that anybody of any value that comes from Cleveland leaves and doesn’t look back. In fact, they end up shitting all over the state. Ben OWNS Ohio. LeBron James’ smug asshole left on nationally televised programming. How bad is your state when a guy actually hosts a TV show to tell you he’s leaving?

So basically our team has the grave misfortune of having to venture to this desert asshole of a city. But fortunately for us the Bungholes aren’t exactly top flight competition like our last two opponents have been. Oh sure they have a great record, but a team of color blind kids with assburgers syndrome could have amassed such a record.

Consider the Bungholes ‘success’

A win over Cleveland, something a group of trained chimps could accomplish.

A loss to Denver which is an absolutely horrible team this year

A loss to the Friscuits who are the NFC Bengals, snaking by Buffalo, then beating a Jag off team which is also pretty crappy.

They took a turn gang banging the Colts as everybody else this year has done

And then they beat the Seahawks and the Titans, neither of which are good.

So when your best win is Buffalo and you’ve lost to the Broncos, you are NOT a good team.

Bengals fans, be ready to be disappointed. Your team sucks. You’ve managed to hide this truth from yourselves with a lot of moonshine drinking and paint huffing but it’s time for some fresh coal laden air from your shitty city. Wake up and smell your shit. Your team is led by a Soulless Ginger who’s going to have ‘freckles’ the size of an elephant’s balls after James Harrison puts him on spin cycle.

I can’t wait to watch this creepy red haired freckled kid DIE on Sunday. I want Harrison to dismember him like he tried to do to Flacco last week. Perhaps he can get some help too. The Bengals have no chance on the ground now that our Run D is back in beast mode. Dalton dropping back 40 times should be a beautiful thing to watch. I want to see the field stained with Daltons innards and bodily fluids. Frankly I just hate me some Andy Dalton and he stanks. Absolute fraud at QB and will be brought down to earth HARD on Sunday.

Cincy has managed to shed some of the players I’ve hated most in my life. Guys like Hooshmadildo and Chad Pendejo are gone. They’ve been dished onto teams I hate more. Carson ‘uses his palm’er is in Oakland.

The only guys I can name are Dalton, and that crazy hairy mess monster called Peko on their D. He reminds me of a beaver on crack cocaine. Seriously what nature reserve in Africa did they find him in? How in the hell do you get to look like such a freak without genetic modification? His parents should be castrated and then thrown into prison for ever passing on their horrific genes. Speaking of prison, about half of Cincy’s roster is either serving time now or under arrest.

Google ‘Bengal Arrested’ and there are 5.5 MILLION hits. The search with Steelers gets just 235000. In July, 3 of them got put in the back of a cop car within just a week. It’s actually bordering on impressive. In the time it took you to read this paragraph, 3 players will be imprisoned, two will be put on death row, and one will get the electric chair.

I mean is there ANY law that these total embarrassments haven’t broken? Dude’s have beat other dudes or women up. These jackasses have gotten the cops called on them at DAYCARE, a place full of kids for cryin out loud. Latest news was a giant stash of pot getting imported to the entire Bengals team.  They’re just stupid as hell. Chris Henry died appropriately of FALLING OUT OF A TRUCK. That’s got to be one of the least intelligent ways to go out. Thank god for natural selection. Shame he probably knocked up like 6 women illegitimately

But the government found a good win-win for the players. They’ve been relocated to Paul Brown Penistentiary and all they have to do is take it up the ass for 60 minutes every Sunday and they won’t have to go to actual cells. That has to be the most shitastic stadium ever. I’m pretty sure you just pee on the floor. Bathrooms weren’t invented when this shit bowl was built. If you look at a map Paul Brown Stadium looks a lot like a mole on an ugly fat chick’s face.

And the worst part Cincy, is that you have to call it ‘The Jungle’ just to remind yourselves of how bad the actual name is. I mean Paul Brown pretty much invented THE BROWNS for gods sake. So your stadium is named after the guy who made your cross-state rival exist. How is that for shitty? That’d be like our stadium being called Belichick Stadium (if such a place ever exists I’ll douse it in gasoline and light a whole lotta matches). And Mister Brown doesn’t really give two shits about your team. He’s still sad he’s not the leader of the Browns. Hence why they’re the only team you guys can actually beat.

So to sum it up: Shit team, Shit coach, Shit Owner, Shit Stadium, Shit City. Everything about the Bengals is SHIT. And I expect the Steelers to prove it on Sunday.

Dear Steelers, Fuck the Cuntinatti Bungholes right in their gaping orange-striped disrespectful criminal never-winning asses and beat em over the head with a lead pipe then send them down to their mole people tunnels where they can rot and die. I hate the Bengals and they stank.

Time to get into the rest of the league. I’m back to hating everybody now. Hate in it’s pure refined concentrated form should be reserved for the most stanky opponents. So without further ado let’s hate some teams.

Chokeland @ Sandy Eggos

God does Philip Rivers suck so much. I hate his procreating ass and he stanks. I watched the week 8 MNFL game and good lord Rivers chokes harder than an amateur porn star. Fumbled snaps, picks, this dude is apparently mastering his inner ‘Romo’ ability. Only Rivers and Romo can screw a games so hard at the end. Ignore what you saw last week with Rivers and the Packers in a shootout, the Chargers are shit and deserve to be hit by lightning from above for their stupidity.

I am happy to see the Raiders starting to fall back down to earth. Carson Palmer is an absolute joke in Oakland and I just can’t fathom how many Peyote buttons were eaten before making that trade call. Oakland will probably lose this one but they could actually pull it off since SD is so terrible. There is not a single quality team in this division. We should just turn it into the MFL  (Mexican Football League) and leave it at that.

Nawhlins @ Shatlanta (The Racism Bowl!)

Atlanta has apparently risen from their grave, beating the Lions and Panthers in recent weeks. Since Nawlins went Super Saiyin level 5 on the Colts, they somehow lost to the Rams. Losing to the Rams should automatically disqualify you from the playoffs in my opinion. That’s just horrible and it should never happen. New Orleans does this every year. Last year they lost to the Browns. They always take a game off, stupid dicks. But as this is your typical secessionist slavery loving NFC south matchup, I honestly just ignore it and don’t care. Hardly registers a blip on my hate-dar.

Tennessee Tits @ Carolina Panthers

Holy shit how are the Panthers this bad? I feel like somebody is just joking with me when I see Steve Smith has more yards and catches than like anybody. And Fig Newton is apparently not that bad, and yet these kitties are 2-6. How the hell are you 2-6? Just terrible. They could do us a favor this week, but I doubt they will. They seem to have mastered the art of losing by any means necessary. I hate when teams do that and they stank. If you’re going to play like shit and lose, don’t bump my man Mike Wallace down the charts.

Ramjobs @ Brown underwear

Here’s a game you couldn’t convince me to watch if you offered me an infinite supply of triple stackers, hookers, and weed. There is literally nothing about this game that is desireable in any way. Of course watching the Browns lose would make me happy, but honestly I just think we should demote these guys to a D-2 level. The NFL should just go back to 24 teams, and take 8 and make them D league farm teams. That’s about all they’re good for. This pair of teams is about as attractive as those obese finger-lickin turdunken-eating slob pigs from those stupid ‘Mike and Molly’ commercials every Sunday. Then America wants to know why it’s fat and unhealthy. Maybe because you elevate these disgusting wads to star status when they should be busy ordering 7 pizzas at home.

And I used to be fat so I’m allowed to hate on my former kind. I hate super fat people and they stank. This is why Andy Reid and Rex Ryan will forever burn in my hell. And speakin of people with more Chins than a Chinese phonebook, the fanbases of these two teams probably could feed Africa for eternity. It’s disgusting to look at a Cleveland fan. It’s kinda like a Picasso abstract painting, but instead of paint it was made with KFC gravy, BBQ sauce, and deep fryer grease.

Screw both these teams, I hate em and they stank. Fat bastards.

Good White Buffalo @ Dallass Cowhumpers

Buffalo clearly isn’t as awesome as we thought, going 1-3 after starting 4-0. The Cowhumpers as usual suck and still are annoying as can be. But at least they have a shot this week at helping us in our conference. Still hate em and they stank, but I wouldn’t mind some love in the AFC rankings.

But Buffalo man, once again here we have a classic case of football gone wrong. Harvard guys should NOT be starting at QB. Harvard people had maids who changed their golden silk diapers and powdered their little shitting bottoms with pulverized diamonds. These prepped up yuppies don’t belong in the NFL. Lesson learned: Get a QB from an actual football school idiots.

Jagoffs @ Dolts

The Dolts are just really getting it from every angle. It’s like an orgy, or ‘I Spit on your Grave’, or a Woodland Critter Christmas. It’s actually getting sad.

Just kidding, I love it. This is what you get when you go 14-2 every goddamn year you sons of bitches. YOU HAD THIS COMING. It’s what you deserve for always ruining everybody’s day with your stupid robot redneck retard QB and bible pounding former HC.  I hope you join the Lions in the 0-16 books. Hell I’d like to see you make the playoffs anyway just so you can go 0-17. To hell with your POS team.

Mile High Mules @ Other Shitty Missouri team

I’m still dumfounded as to how Missouri managed to sneak two teams into the NFL. And the worst part is that both of them suck big bear nuts. The Broncos are basically done for the season and the Chiefs aren’t a terrible team, but are about as consistent as a teenagers menstruation. But I’d like to say that I want the Chiefs to win this one. That way, they come to Pittsburgh a little bit cockier and Todd Haley can get his potty mouth slapped off his ugly ass hooker choking face. But lets be real, this team is shit. They lost to the Dolphins this year which basically makes you second to the Colts in the terrible column.

Beck Sucks @ Wow they finally won one          

The Dolphins really really suck. And it’s amazing they pulled off a win, and they did it against the Chiefs. But John Beck sucks even harder. This game is like watching Limas Sweed try to catch a pass. It’s uglier than Sarah Jessica Parker’s nose after being smashed with a bat (might actually improve it). I honestly can’t imagine anybody would actually watch this garbage. If your TV is on this channel you deserve to be hung up by your intestines Mexican Cartel style.

Arizona @ ‘Nightmare Team’

The Cardinals had a pretty lucky and badass Walk off TD last week. But I’m really furious at their failure to beat the Baltiwhores. Seriously you had them down 21 points. How in the hell did you let Flacco do that to you? I mean yeah he got down the field on one drive with us, but he almost threw like 2 picks on that drive and against our secondary it’s easy. But how in gods name do you suck so bad Arizona? I mean seriously it’s like watching Steven Hawking in the ring with Mike Tyson. I hate you and you stank. Just get the hell off this earth, I hope an earthquake swallows your city while a sandstorm renders your lands uninhabitable for the next millennium. Screw you.

Other Texas Team @ Tampa Bay

The Bucs are playing like the ones in Pittsburgh lately. They’ve managed to beat the Saints so they can’t be THAT terrible. But they got pwned by the 69ers which to me is pretty unbelievable. This is why the NFC is the retarded stepchild of the NFL. You have NO idea who is good except for the Packers. At least we KNOW teams like the Pats and Colts (normally) and Steelers are good and will beat a lot of good teams. Hell throw Baltimore and San Diego in there if you want to include the last decade.

But the NFC is like a game of roulette when you’re tripping acid, you have no idea at all where that ball is gonna land. This conference has a different team every year that gets their one good season, and they usually blow it in the end. It’s so annoying having to play in the AFC as a result. If we were an NFC team we’d make the Super Bowl every year. Unfortunately all these copy cats in the AFC try and mimic our awesomeness. I hate that and it stanks. We should patent our methodology so everybody else can’t use it. I know the Bucs will let us down this week, it’s just obvious because they come from that conference that’s about as useful as an ex brother in law.

I hate the whole damn NFC. Just turn it into the NFL- D2 and leave it at that. The shittiest teams have come from there, and even their ‘greats’ find a way to shit the bed with the regularity of a over fed geriatric given a gallon of Ex-lax. It stanks just as bad too.

Ratbirds @ Shithawks

I hope to god Baltimore and their head-hunting camera-hogging big-gum-havin wife-bleachin chest-stabbing movie-making ugly ass whiney bitch players go to fuckin hell this week. And the Seahawks just might be able to do it. Baltimore did this a few weeks ago, they busted their nut all over the Steelers and then had nothing left for the next round. A long west coast road trip after a very physical and long Steeler game is the perfect recipe for 3 Flacco INTs.

Of course, the NFC is trash and probably will find a way to lose a totally winnable game Arizona style.

Lions and Tigers and Bears Oh my

Every year people get to repeat that same gay sentence twice. It drives me crazy. The Tigers are in baseball for reals. But this is the first time in a long time that this game might be worth watching. Usually Detroit is abused like children by Sandusky (too soon?) but this year they’ve actually grown a pair and decided to kick somebody else in the gonads. So we’ll see what happens, but this game might be worth watching. Plus you get your teeny bopper heart throb annoying QB sensations of today. Brady and Mannings are like so totally last generation omg. Stafford is soooo cute omg his blond locks I could just eat those up and like make a doll out of them or whatever. And Cutler so sensitive and sweet I bet he’s just the greatest boyfriend. Someday when I grow up I’m gonna go to a game and take a Marry Me sign and we’re gonna live happily ever after and rub vaginas every day and cure diabeetus.

GOD WHEN WILL FOOTBALL LET MEN BACK IN????

New York Team B @ 69ers

The 69ers 7-1 record is much like the Bengals, a fraud. They haven’t beaten anybody good. This is their chance. I really expect the niners to find a way to blow this season and end up around .500. Of course, .500 ìs good for the 3rd seed In the NFC nowadays. I expect the Giants to win this one and keep rolling. Apparently Eli finally clipped the umbilical cord and drank its blood and achieved his true power as a QB. True power meaning halfway decent but nowhere near his brother’s level.

I’d like to see Eli meet us in the Superbowl so we can end another Manning’s season.

Too Latriots @ New Porkers

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

OMG that was great. The Pats lost two in a row. That hasn’t happened since I discovered myself. Finally your time has come Belichikenshit. Time for the world to learn that you’re not such a genius and you’re a terrible team maker. Worst pass defense in the league is right you old piece of witch shit.

I hope Rex Ryan dismantles you. I hate him and he stanks but I would love nothing more than to watch the Pats go on a 3 or more game skid. All their bandwagon fans will completely forget about the Pats and they won’t sellout I can almost guarantee it. They have some fickle bastard fans there. Too busy being annoying racist west coast wannabees that can’t go 10 seconds without starting a fight with somebody or yelling across the room.

Screw the Pats, may they miss the playoffs and die.

Midget Soda @ Cream Puff Crackers

The Crackers pull off another win that Rivers as usual delivered for the other team. I just feel like these Packers are following in the footsteps of the 2007 Pats. I think it will come around and rear its ugly head soon enough. The Pack will go Back and Lack the Attack that Smacked the black off the sacks of the rest of the league. But it aint gonna happen this week. The Viqueens suck another level of hard and Cream Puffs will steamroll.