If he could bet, I'd be broke. If he could grow a Keisel Beard, I'd be rich.
Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals
Ryan Clark, you keep doing what you do. Roger Goodell needs to go fishing with Fredo. Bad week to be a Bengal, but then, it always is. Steelers win big.
Oakland Raiders at San Diego Chargers This pick is late. Better late than pregnant. And better anything or anybody than Norv Turner.
Tennessee Titans at Carolina Panthers Tennessee and Carolina? In what? A hillbilly bowl? Fans of the winning team will receive a complimentary banjo and picture of Ned Beatty.
Houston Texans at Tampa Bay Buccaneers If we sell Texas to China, we can get rid of our debt AND Texas at the same time! Write your member of Congress today. Buccaneers by 10.
Washington Redskins at Miami Mahi Mahi Mike Shanahan’s face is so tense and tightly stretched it’s beginning to look like Jerry Jones’ reconstructed nightmare. That’s bad company. The Fish by 3.
Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts If this game is televised in your viewing area, shoot your television. Colts will win, and the only happy person will be Jim Caldwell.
Denver Broncos at Kansas City Chiefs Tim-Timminy Tim-Timminy Tim Tim, Teree! Tim Tebow’s your qb and that’s just scary! Chiefs by 10.
Buffalo Bills at Dallas Cowboys Watching Dallas suck so badly is as good as eating twenty-seven pounds of liver. Maybe better. Bills by 10.
New Orleans Saints at Atlanta Falcons If I can ever catch a Falcon, I’ll tear off its feathers and eat its tasty meat. Saint’s probably don’t taste good – well, at least without sinner-gravy. Saints by 7.
St. Louis Rams at Cleveland Browns Which is greater: the number of wins the Browns will get this year or the pounds of krill in Mike Holmgren’s mustache? Rams by 8.
Baltimore Ravens at Seattle Seahawks I hate the Ravens, but I hate Pete Carroll’s hair more. Ravens by 7.
New York Giants at San Francisco Forty-Niners If Harbaugh gets lippy after his team loses, Coughlin will smack him back to Stanford. Giants by 5.
Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears Donkey Kong Suh and Brian Urlacher. That’s good football. They could be Steelers. I’m just saying. Bears by 5.
New England Patriots at New York Jets Romeo, oh Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo! When you return, bring the defense with you. Jets in a laugher.
Minnesota Vikings at Green Bay Packers The Packers beat the Steelers in the Super Bowl, so that makes me hate them. But, I’m not stupid. Packers by 10.
Arizona Cardinals at Philadelphia Eagles I shared a kennel at the Washington Area Rescue League with some of Mike Vick’s dogs. Cardinals by 456,000.