Your week 12 Hate Guide
*You guys know the drill, I'm back with a vengeance. If you're under the age of teenager, are sensitive to violence and profanity, or are of a tender complexion, I highly recommend avoiding this poast. Prolonged exposure to hate can be harmful to children, the elderly, recovering addicts, pregnant women or women who may become pregnant, and little people.
So sorry about the Saturday release, but better to hate late than not hate at all. I should be back to my regular Wednesday releases from here on out. Unfortunately for you guys I’ve been busy and this thing called ‘Skyrim’ tends to take a lot from that thing I used to have called a life. Seriously while that game is awesome I kinda hate it because I just can’t be a responsible adult until I play about 100 hours of it.
Anyway back to the matters at hand. Since Thanksgiving has passed, we’re just gonna rev it up for Sunday. And Sunday finishes off with our Steelers, so we’ll get to get that hate ball rolling down the hill early so it’s nice and hot by the time we get on the air.
The good news for you guys is that my bye week break and this thanksgiving have given me a whole mess of hatred ready to help your fat ass digest that kilo of turkey you’ve surely eaten by now.
Thanksgiving itself generates a lot of hate. Don’t get me wrong, TG is probably the BEST holiday in the universe. No bullshit shopping frenzy that makes people stab eachother like Ray Lewis in and alleyway, enough Turkey to solve world hunger, and our beloved NFL. What more could you want?
But of course every other country in Not-America ripped it off from us. We invented our awesome holiday and now everybody else has to go out and get one too. Japan has a freakin Thanksgiving Day. What in the hell do they have to give thanks for other than vending machines that spit out some ass piss sake soda bullshit that makes them hyper and capable of winning their video game session? Seriously other countries BACK THE FUCK OFF my Thanksgiving. We’re the only ones allowed to give thanks. And we do it all the time. We gave you like a shit ton of ‘thanks’ after you had your little surf session. If you’re gonna steal thanksgiving at least throw us a bone.
That ironic part of it is what kills me. Them countries never give thanks to the great America but they steal our Thanksgiving. Damn communists.
Then on TG you get to watch the same two teams play every year. And why in gods green earth did these teams get called upon? Through some careful research I found that the Cowgirls and Kittens were actually chosen as Thanksgiving emblems or symbols. The Lions represent the turkey that gets stuffed in the ass every year by everybody in the kitchen. And the Cowgirls are the gravy that the world loves to slather all over everything. Nevermind its total lack of nutritional value, just dump more and more of this thick goop on until the only thing I can see is a big fat dallasshole star on my plate. Then I throw up. Why not just make them badass flex games? Because Roger Goodell eats shit for breakfast.
It seems the NFL has gotten a whole lot more annoying since two weeks ago. The First Quadrennial Harbaugh Douche –Off, Tebow (more on him later), and more retarded fines and calls. For that Harbaugh ass mongering I went to the jungle and tried to get a shaman to summon a holy meteor to devour that stadium and all of its mouth breathing butt sniffing salad tossing patrons. Those two should not be allowed to coach in the same league. It’s by far the queerest rivalry in the NFL. Oh look! They’re brothers ZOMG! I bet they competed. I bet all 106 players on the two teams give an ant sized shit. Nobody cares at all. It’s not a real rivalry. It’s cross conference douchery at its highest point. I’m just amazed they didn’t do a Bro-Down.
And now lets get to the games. First up are the Kansas Shitty Queefs
We get the primetime slot this week, which blew me away. I was expecting us to get bumped considering our opponent is the frigging Chiefs. The Chiefs are a total joke and have no chance in this league any time soon. Did they ever even? Kansas City has one super bowl, but it was back in America landed on the moon. Shame they didn’t leave the Chiefs up there. Since then they’ve sucked harder than the vacuum of space. Not even an AFC championship to brag about. Only the AFL. They’re pretty much the Lions of the AFC folks. They manage to hide here and there with a couple sporadic seasons of luck that are followed by shit heaps of manure like we see this year.
Frankly their history hardly angers me, as it’s something that qualifies as sad in my book. But the team still managed to chap my cheeks for a number of reasons.
The first and foremost reason is that this city is a crock of shit itself. The guy that named Kansas City was apparently clinically retarded. I suppose most hicks can’t read a map, but there’s a big ass line between two parts of this city and they never quite figured that out.
So you got Kansas City, MO. WTF. Pick a side! Waffling is only tolerated at breakfast time bitches.
Of course, it’s entirely possible that the fat ass whales of human flesh that inhabit Kansas Shitty are unable to fit in just one state. If America fielded some sort of Olympic Sumo Team, I’m sure everybody would be from KC. You know you’re fat when your state is known for Barbecue. While delicious, it’s quite the statement when the most important thing to come out of your lands is methods to eat meat off a bone.
Speaking of which I’d like to mention that I hate super saucy bullshit KC wings and prefer a Memphis Dry Rub over something that was bukkaked by a sauce bottle any day.
The thing that really drives me nuts about the Chiefs is their uncanny ability to just be a total spoiler bitch. KC is like that one asshole kid when you’re playing a board game, and he’s getting his ass kicked so hard that he decides to just give everything he has to somebody else and leave. I hate that and it stanks like Queen Latifah’s thong on a humid summer day in Miami. Seriously, they just handed the house over to Belicheat for lousy Matt Cassel. And now he’s gone with a vaginal tear. Seriously Ben could probably play with a severed scrotum he’s that tough. Matt “Princess in the” Cassel can’t even tape a finger back together. He probably pulled it while looking for his balls which had retracted into his body some time ago. Thanks again assholes for just helping that game winner win some more. They’re able to suck at drafting because of idiots like you that give them 25 picks for no reason.
Then you got that bullshit that they did from the other year. Ugh, the Chiefs game loss in 2009 was one of the hardest for me. Cleveland being the worst. Of all the 5 I think this is the one where the opponent just did NOT deserve to win that game. That was the hardest meltdown IMO. Well no freebies this week Kansas City. We’re gonna take your hobo-lookin wife-slapping alcoholic $5-whore-buying coach, your 400lb average fans, your racist Thanksgiving Disgracing team, and all of its sweaty nutsack stench and launch it right at the sun. I want to see your fat rolls cook like the very ribs you peddle in your BBQ sauce filled toilet called a stadium. I want some revenge for 2009, I want to punish you for being the most inept team in the AFC. I want to backhand slap you so hard your teeth get stuck in your cheek. I hope you passed math class, you’re gonna need your abacus to figure out how many points we got. Definitely a higher number than your IQs.
I hate Kansas City and it stanks!
Seriously this is some more NFC garbage. Why is almost every matchup I see over their a terrible piece of garbage? It’s either some ugly pick throwing spectacle of disgusting shit, or it’s one of those patented NFC Shootouts where everybody scores more than Jean Simmons. Seriously, you don’t usually see 40-50 point games in the AFC unless it’s Bengals Browns. I’m sure this one, despite the incredible lack of talent, will somehow hit like 90 total points. I can’t watch NFC football, it’s too much like playing Madden. You get bored after your 10th blowout or 10th shitty barely winning match.
Leaveland @ Sinsinatti Badgals
And wouldn’t you know it? You get to watch these two shitty teams battle it out. I love the Ohio Bowl. It’s just like cloning a moist steamy pile of excrement. You get an exact copy. Seriously could two teams be so equally frustratingly shitty? How could anybody maintain their fan loyalty to these teams? I love the Bengals fan who actually sold his Bengali Citizenship online. It’s a fact that Ohio’s leading exports are sadness, and fandom. Fandom could actually fetch a pretty good price if properly channeled. Between Lebron, Modell, All the good players to ever leave the Bengals, and just Cleveland colleges in general, anything even remotely useful to us human beings that comes from Ohio never goes back. Hence, the pro teams wallow in shit for eternity. There’s a reason teams in big cities are effective. They can pull the right players. A player wants to be a big shot in NYC or LA or Miami, not Cleveland. You literally can’t pay some people millions of dollars to play in Ohio. That’s why I think Obongo should just pull out that nuclear football and fry that big ass farm they call a state.
Carolina @ Indiana
The Panthers have yet to actually be of some use to us. Same goes for Indiana. Basically these two teams have nothing to offer the world and should be completely ignored by them. A food network program has more sex appeal than this game. Unless shitty quarterbacking and losing gets you hard, steer clear of this one. However, I really want Indy to win because if they get Andrew Luck and he’s actually good, I’ll hate the Colts for a long long time.
Houston Texans @ Jagoffs
The Jagoffs did us a big favor against the Rat Birds. This is not something that can go easily forgotten. However they have to continue to work towards redemption on the holy path of hate. I deem them still in debt to me, and a win over the Texans would be a nice sort of confession for previous sins against the Nation.
By the way the Texans’ name is really bizarre. They are the only team to use a state adjective in any league (though Phillies use the city). But seriously, think about it. Other teams have badass animal names, or some sort of historically significant thing. Team names were meant to inspire fear in the other. Hence why Sharks and Bears and Lions and Falcons were chosen. And what is more fear inspiring than an NRA-member cow-herding big-hat-wearin shotgun-totin wheat-chewing red-voting bible-thumpin redneck that’s got more ammo than a FOB in Iraq? Wisely chosen Houston, couldn’t have thought of a more horrific creature.
Weak Ass Buffalo @ Knew You’re Just a piece of shit
The Bills have lost their awesomeness now that Fitzpatrick has mid terms for his 3rd Doctor-Master-ArchMage at Hahhvaaaad. He just can’t do it all at once folks. Having some lousy god blaming hoodlum tryin to catch his passes, and a defense led by a Polack who was probably touched at Penn State isn’t going to win many games.
I love that Rex Ryan got fined 75k. Finally somebody gets one in the mouth for having a fat mouth in the first place. However, reports show that upon receiving the letter, Ryan thought it was a check and tried to exchange it for its equivalent in footlong hotdogs and bacon grease. Bout time somebody tells him to shut up and provide quality football or go back to the local line at Golden Corral.
Arizona @ Stank Louis
Even STL can beat Cleveland. That’s just how god awful Cleveland is. St. Louis is shit this year. As you all well know, the NFC West matchups are probably the worst football has to offer. Just avoid this one if at all possible, lest the stench of a thousand rotting Mexicans and fatasses fill your nostrils.
Crampin Vajayjay @ Ten’Tooth Might’ns
The Might’ns are tryin to be really agnostic about their postseason hopes. 5-5 teams, hell any .500 team piss me off. Pick a side. Either you suck and I hate you and you stank, or you are good and I hate you more and you’re stankier. And Tampa Bay follows with their 4-6 record, meaning they too are struggling to get on top of that fence and have a post up their ass. The Titans are the classic 8-8 team, I’m sure they’ll ride that fence all the way to the early offseason.
Shycocko @ Cokeland
Shycocko and Oakland actually could be a decent not-great-team matchup. Decent enough but really on a 2nd or 3rd tier behind truly great teams like the Steelers or Packers. Chicago could do us a favor, and Jay Cutler could grow a pair. Neither is likely in my opinion. It still blows my mind that Oakland somehow hasn’t totally fallen apart since the Palmer experiment started. I was really hoping for an epic failure ending to Carson Palmer’s career. So I wouldn’t mind seeing Urlacher rip out Carson’s remaining ACL and cook them over a fire in front of Palmer’s family this weekend.
Washing your Foreskins @ Kings of Queens
Seattle has managed to earn the Get out of Hate free card. For me to bestow this upon Seattle, a place I find most stanky and hateable is a profound statement. Beating Baltiwhore was a pleasant surprise and I thank the Seahawks for their atonement. While not fully forgiven, they can get out of hate free this week.
The Redskins are one of the teams that barely registers on my radar. The only time they anger me is when they create massive league inflation with their retarded deals. Seriously every single free agent signing by the ForeSkins is ludicrously overpriced and asinine. Dan Snyder must have too much money. He just can’t seem to properly manage a single dime. This isn’t baseball dumbass. You don’t just ‘buy a team’ and win stuff. Dan Snyder’s head is so far up his ass he checks his pulse with his tongue. Screw the redskins and their annual boner that ends up screwing the Steelers out of players (Randle El) or makes us have to pony up more to keep other greats. Yeah you had a player killed, but that’s long gone. Time to buck up and play the game right you pieces of shit. I hope Seattle writes a new bill of ass rights on your back and pounds you for 60 minutes.
Brady’s Douchebag @ Iggles
Here’s a game that will get all hyped up and down but really turn out to be some shit storm with Belichick easily throttling Andy Reid. Could you have a more lopsided coaching matchup? Belichick has spy satellites in space hovering over the Eagles practice facility as we speak. Andy Reid can’t even see his own shoes, much less make sense of a football game. Clearly blood flow to the brain is limited by the fact that his blood is 90% cholesterol and bacon. I’m so sick of Reid, I have a chubby brewing as I imagine the day where he’s fired and unemployed and gets fatter on welfare and unemployment.
Jesus @ Whales Vagina
Wow, I leave the hate aside for two weeks and Tebowmania has swept the nation. Fuck that term first of all. Anything termed mania is retarded. The last thing I could think of was ‘Wrestlemania’ and if you want to watch that you should be shot in the head. If anybody on this site is a pro-tebow type, I will shove your cross right back up your ass and knock you out with a reference edition bible. There is absolutely nothing special about this kid. God is not slobbing Tebows knob and leading him to victory. Tebow is not doing anything amazing. His team decided to finally learn the defensive scheme and is executing well, while Tebow somehow manages not to lose the game in the first 50 minutes. Then he wins it barely with some bullshit scrambles and holy spirit.
Then there’s the whole prayer bit. Sweet god if there’s one kind of person I hate in this world, more than Nazis, more than Commies, more than Peruvians that steal my shit, it’s goddamn outward religious people.
You’re more than entitled to have a religion as long as it’s not terrorist. America invented religious freedom. You can worship Buddha or Jesus or Evolution or Tony Hawk or whoever the hell you want. But I swear to god if you decide to kneel down in front of me when we’re in the middle of something I will smack you so hard your soul will get sent to hell. Talkin to god can wait. Give him a big ole thank you when you’re finished ok? It’s so superficial it’s disgusting. Why not give god a prayer after every first down? Or for every single positive yard? Or for every sack that could have been worse? Or for the other team’s high level of competition which brings out the best in yourself? Because you’re full of shit Tebow that’s why. Why do you have to do it in my face (twss)? If you’re gonna say thanks sincerely you should do it for EVERYTHING not just when it looks good. A true lover of god would be thankful for even the most minute things.
So quit preaching and reaching around God and shut the hell up and play football. If I have to watch you kneel down one more time I’m gonna bash my TV in with a hammer.
You are hereby condemned to Mechem’s Cellar of Hate for eternal hatred until further notice. Your soul will burn with my hate, and I declare a Whales Vagina win which will feel like a giant godlike lightning bolt singeing your sphincter which was probably fingerbanged by a priest. I hope the real god is some sort of reptilian bird creature that eats your head off and reminds you how idiotic you are.