Your Week 13 Hate Guide

Your Week 13 Hate Guide

*If you're reading this you know what's up. But of course for the new folks this is a poast dedicated to dishing out heaping plates of hate to all the stanky teams in the league. The Hate Guide is not appropriate for everyone, and contains vast quantities of profanity and highly offensive language. But for those desensitised as I am, proceed with pleasure.

Well folks last week’s guide was a little on the late side. My goal from here on is to get it in by the first game Thursday. Apparently we just didn’t have the Hate fully charged for Sunday. I take responsibility for that garbage we had to watch. But a win is a win and I’ll take it.

Ríght now, it’s time to get serious about some hate. December hate is some damn important hate folks. December is when we figure out who gets to play in January. And this year, the competition is tighter than Rex Ryan’s pants. The AFC North would actually have 3 playoff teams at the moment. That’s a rarity, but I think it’ll settle out soon. Our division had a fairly easy schedule that was made even easier by some good teams not playing up to snuff this year. That’s why the Bengals have managed to look semi decent.

A quick HATE BOMB to the Schedule maker. What in the bloody hell was this dude smoking? I want some. Shit I want a lot of it. I mean who puts two division rival games with the same team nearly back to back? And not only the Bungholes, but also the Browns close our season this way. And the Ravens in the first half of the year? And virtually every Monday night game has sucked epically.

I suspected that because of the Cockout the schedules may have been pre-aligned to give more division games in the back half of the year. But then why would the Ravens games, arguably two of the best NFL games in the year, be placed in the first half?This guy obviously sucks on Freon popsicles before making this schedule and should get his ass kicked by Seal Team 6 and then be left for dead in the Sahara desert.

But this week, as we did a few weeks ago, we’ll get another chance to slap the Bungholes back to reality.

I’ve already dished out a lot of hate for this team, and since this game is about as close as you can get to the last one I’m gonna keep this one a little bit more succinct:

You know I hate Cincy, they’re arrogant asswipes that think they’re something amazing but have literally done NOTHING in their time in the league. And frankly I’m tired of hearing about Dalton and Green and Lewis still having a job. I imagine Lewis takes more pills than an 85 year old cancer patient. If I had his job I’d definitely have killed somebody by now. Or Japan’d myself.

If the Bengals were a Greek God, they’d be Dionysus. Dionysus was basically the least useful god in Greek mythology. His only job: Get everybody drunk and stupid. Now while this might be the kinda guy you’d want at your next toga party, he’s not really appropriate for a football team. But it would explain why the Bengals are either drunk or high or committing crimes left and right.

Thankfully the Steelers are like Ares, god of WAR. We rip your insides out from your asshole and then use them to decorate our Christmas tree. That’s whats gonna happen to the Bengals. I’m so sick of their bullshit, I cant wait to give them a replay of 3 weeks ago. Only this time, I don’t want them to even have a chance. We are overdue for an epic assbeating and I’m willing to bet our Offense is just dying to prove they can decapitate any assmonger that crosses them.

And this time, the Bengals are coming to Heinz Field. That’s OUR house. OUR sacred land. Nobody is going to celebrate or dance on it if I have anything to say about it. I want to just stuff Dalton in those Giant Ketchup bottles and leave him there to be tossed around every time we get into the Redzone.

And we are going to be as healthy as we were on opening day for the most part. Polamalu is probably playing, Woodley too. I’d love to see Andy Dalton devoured by our terrible two of Harrison and Woodley. I like to imagine Dalton’s ginger ass with chains attached to his arms and legs, and Harrison pulls the arms and Woodley the legs until Dalton is ripped in half and his freckles fall off.

I would love nothing more than seeing AJ Green turned Red after Clark clocks him over the middle so hard his blood explodes out of his body and covers him in it.

I am so tired of hearing the Bengals mentioned in the same breath as the Steelers and Ravens. We need to slap them back down to where they belong. They don’t deserve anything over 8-8 EVER. And it’s our job this week to remind them who OWNS the AFC North. May the streets run red with Bengal blood. I hate everything about this team, from the retarded Who Dey chant, to the convict players, to their horrible owner and stadium, to their horrible city. There is nothing about the Bengals worth liking. I love knocking the Bengals out of the playoffs, like in 2006 when we played spoiler. Lets do it this week and stay on top of this tight race. I hate the Bengals and they STANK. Let them BURN.

The Wiggles @ Supreme Seahawks of Awesometown

The Seahawks are usually on the top of my hate list. And considering their from the Not Functional Conference that’s saying something. BUT they have helped the Steelers with their win over Baltimore. And that gives them the ‘Get out of Hate Free Card’ for now.

But the Eagles are another team that’s ground my nerves into a bloody pulp lately. I just don’t get WHY the media has been unable to remove their lips from the meatuses of certain teams and players this year. I mean Tebow gets more TV time than Brady now which is amazing. And the Eagles are suddenly the new Cowboys, getting air time about as often as Andy Reid takes a shit. And frankly, I hate those overexposed pieces of shit. I hate how consistently GREAT teams like ours are ignored so much. We never get nearly as much time as anybody else. Yet we’re the futha muckin best team ever. I guess the media gets bored of playing the same thing every week.

Pennsylvania is NOT Philly. It’s Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh is the greatest city on the planet and the rest of the state can pucker up and toss my salad if they want to argue. And in the world of football, nobody comes close to us. So for all you poser sons of bitches, get OFF my TV and go crawl back up into your mothers gaping whore vagina. Best winning percentage, but worst airtime. Bullshit.

Meth shootin Oxy poppers @ Soon to be Canadian team

So apparently the Bills weren’t ALL that great. And the Titans pretty much suck as expected. IMO, according to playoff scenarios, we’d actually want the Meth head Titans to win this one.

So let it be written so let it be done. And besides, Buffalo will probably be transferred to Toronto someday, or the US might just sell that part of NY to them. When that happens Buffalo will be in ‘Not-America’ and no longer be recognized by me.

Stanky Ass Shitty Briefs @ Dickago Bears

Nobody realizes what REALLY was happening last week. Isn’t it obvious? Palko is secretly an AWESOME QB, but the Rooney’s made him a deal. He could come to our team after we trade Ben while he’s in his prime this offseason, but just before it’s announced that he has raped again. Now of course the Pitt local product would LOVE to play for the Steelers. But he couldn’t play too good or the trade would be impossible. How else do you explain Palko throwing so many picks right too us ala Neil O Donnell? He’s ALREADY practicing on our team can’t you guys see it!?! He’s practicing routes with our DB’s. His accuracy against us was so outstanding that you have to see his potential as QB of the future.

/end Florio Impression

Chicago sucks, they coulda beat the Raiders but managed to lose it like the bunch of ball jugglers they are. End result: This game is a total waste of your time. I hate everybody here and they stank.

Southern Ratbirds @ Whoston?

I actually want to watch this game. I would love to see Houston fall. They have to. No Matt Schaub, no future for this team. I love watching the Texans get their hopes up every year just like the Bungholes. And every year they reach that 8-8 that they want so badly. Seriously the Texans must have the record for 8-8 seasons. Atlanta could do us a big favor here and help take these Cows to the slaughterhouse.

Dopeland @ Whyami

Why Miami? Why do you even bother? Why do you even think winning a couple games was worth it when you could have had Luck? Now you just GAVE him to the Colts. You are just so useless. You white-suit-after-labor-day-wearing lowrider-driving beach-hoggin no-visa-having Cuban-raft-riding no-title-winnin bitches just granted the Colts another decade of prosperity. Thanks so freakin much. FUCK YOoooooo Dolpheeeeeen! I hope the Japanese decide to bomb all of Dade County and ransack it and go Nanking on your ass. I hope you’re all raped and violated by a bunch of small pricked anime heads that are screamin Banzai at your families. You just gave the Colts the key to success for another dozen years. Seriously, without Manning that team is total shit and now they’ll almost definitely get their replacement.

I wanna play Oakland in the playoffs as I predicted (in week 6) would happen. I would love a bunch of Immaculate Reception highlights played in front of John Maddens 13 chins. So SCREW the Dolphins. I hope they get that 2nd pick and watch the Colts run away with the best thing in the draft. What a bunch of ball hairs.

Jesus @ Thor

Welcome to our first ever God-Fight. Yes, two religiously based teams will take the field on Sunday. In fact, the Hammer of Thor was used as an anti Christian symbol since the Hammer (head down mind you) looks like a Cross upside down. In one corner are the Broncos, who have rapidly converted to Christianity, have circumcised their small penises, and have begun to touch small boys Sandusky style. Tebow is clearly the second coming of Christ and if we don’t respect he’s gonna burn us all with his flaming balls of shit.

The contender is the Norse god Thor. Thor is a badass that has a giant hammer and doesn’t buy all that Christian pansy pussy peace business. He’s all about lightning bolts and smashing the bejeesus outta whatever he wants.

Sadly the Vikings are pretty damn terrible at following their god’s example. But I just NEED Tebow to lose this week. I need it to happen. If I see him on the front page of every site this Monday AGAIN I’ll choke him with the cross around his neck.

Colts @ Not so Greatriots

I love watching the Pats fall from grace. They actually have 3 losses for a change. It feels great. And to see how exposed they have been in this time is priceless. They aren’t invincible anymore and anybody can beat them with the right scheme.

I also love that for once this overrated matchup has been flexed out and the Pats don’t get to hog the spotlight. If you had told me before this season that this WOULDN’T have been prime time, I’d have taken that peace pipe right outta your hand. But now it’s great, neither one will be a problem. That having been said, I’d still love to see a tidal wave wipe out Massachusetts

Pussies @ Pirates

Man this is just an ugly matchup of more overhyped NFC garbage. Both of these guys have lost SB’s against some of our fiercest rivals, and that doesn’t go easily forgotten. But with a combined 7 wins between these two, your TV shouldn’t be on this channel unless there’s a gun to your head. And even in that case, I’d probably tell you to take the bullet and spare yourself from having to watch this atrocious abortion of football. Literally pouring acid into your eyes would be better for you than having to watch this crap.

New York A @ Trail of Tears

If you’re a Redskins fan, you almost certainly have made a trail of tears longer than the one that the actual real literal ‘redskins’ did. I really don’t understand how this team sticks around. I think the government should just buy it and run it. Obama could be head of Football operations and put a bunch of trained CIA ops guys in there to beat the hell out of the other team. They could plant booby traps and track your cell phone when you go. All sorts of cool stuff. It’d be like James Bond and Football.

I mean hell just planting the whole field full of flowers and turning into a park would be a better use than what we get now inside this lousy stadium.

Oh and the Jets SUCK and it’s awesome. Bout time they got put back in their place. An Acne-ridden illegal immigrant is NOT how you get to the Super Bowl. I bet if somebody told Rex that the Super Bowl was a menu item, he’d probably win out from here on. Biggest dumbass in the NFL. When your brain is 85% hamburger meat, it’s hard not to be a total moron. Once again folks, morbidly obese coaches can’t win.

But yeah just ignore this game too. Literally has like no impact on us at all.

CallaWhore in Cleveland

Calling a whore in Cleveland is probably the only marginably enjoyable thing that you could do. Even then she’d probably weigh as much as a hippo and be wearing some 1990’s denim jacket and mom jeans. People in Cleveland are some ugly people. I’ve yet to see one attractive woman in my trips there. You see more Amish than good looking girls.

But the biggest whore in the league, Ray Lewis, is on call this week. So I’m sure when Baltimore violates Cleveland like an African peasant, Ray Ray VaJayJay will get all the praise. He’s gonna get all the credit for a big win over Cleveland. A middle school JV team could probably beat Cleveland. As much as I’d love Cleveland to win this one, I’m nowhere near high enough to consider that a possibility.

Now-Girls @ Cant’inals

Wait what the hell? When did Dallas get on top of their division? Does the NFC suck THAT much? The Giants, Eagles, Skins? None of them could even put up a fight so far? Now I just hope they make it to the Super Bowl so we can bitch slap them and get even for 1995. Jam those spurs right into their media-whoring billion-dollar-stadium-having over-rated assholes.

God the NFC just makes me so furious. It shouldn’t have ever been made. They shoulda just had a D1 and D2.

Green Shit Packers @ New York B

Well I guess we’d better get used to the Packers bein the new Pats. At least Rodgers hasn’t turned into a total douche yet. I’d say Brady wasn’t super douchy until he had a couple years of douche experience. It’s kinda like what South Park said in Sexual Healing. Give a guy a lot of money and he becomes a dick that wants to screw everybody. Let’s see how long it takes for Rodgers to start wearing Uggs and knockin up super models. Then his hair will fall out and he’ll have to get plugs. I hope he gets Graft vs Host disease and it cripples him until he dies.

A win from the Little Giants would be a nice touch here. I hate when teams are going undefeated. Just way too much attention for my liking.

Stank Louis @ 69ers

Well the niners have nine wins, they managed to lose another one. I told you guys they weren’t all that great. Baltimore just played down to the competition as they always do. The Harbaugh bowl went down without that much fanfare, and no chest bumping, bro icing, drunk fighting, wedgie giving, noogie-ing or wrestling. Shame, I really wanted to see those two asshats duke it out douchebag style.

Anyway I’m gonna safely assume the 49ers will still continue accelerating to their one and done in the playoffs. Good for them, they’ve earned it. Let em have their playoff loss. That’s pretty good progress for this POS team.

Detroit @ Frenchies

This game is more amazing than those nudie pictures of Scarlett Johanneson. The fact that Detroit got flexed UP to primetime is mind blowing. The only time Detroit is on primetime television is when you’re watching CNN specials on Murder or Rape or Poverty. I actually will try and tune into this one a bit, although I kinda expect the Frenchmen to win. Although the French are great at surrendering, I have a feeling Detroit blew its load too early. Plus they wont have Donkey Kong Suh who threw a barrel at some guy and got two games for it. Detroit needs a win IMO and the Taints fans need to wallow in some filthy water up to their roofs for a week.

In random hate unrelated to football, god do I hate this time of year in Peru. Although the weather is just absolutely gorgeous right now, like 77 with a breeze and sunny, none of these Peruvians will open a window. They are just so terrified of any temperature under 80 degrees that they think they'll die from the 'cold'. Cold is when your dick retracts up into your body seeking warmth. Cold is when your nose hairs are hard and your eyeballs are sticky. But here 72 and sunny is still jacket weather and the bus is a big van with 40 people that won't open a window for fear of death.

Seriously, sometimes I just want to break a window, throw out the old lady guarding it, and watch as everybody panics and thinks they'll all have an infection from the wind.

So folks, lets get fired up. It's December football. We need to close out strong to get to that January level. And you guys have yet to see the hate I can unleash in the postseason. We'll get there, but only if you all commit to KILL and DEVOUR your opponents by using your Hate. The standard is the standard, we gotta annihilate our opponents this week. Go Steelers!