Coaches Meeting 9

Tomlin: “We got lucky to get out of Kansas City with a win. We were flat and we need to get out of that rut quickly. No way we beat Cincy if we play that bad.”

Lebeau: “We’re still pretending that Cincinnati doesn’t suck? They barely beat Cleveland last week. Is everybody fucking high?”

Arians: “I know what we need, Mikey. Something that motivates the guys. A little secret weapon I like to pull out when things get a little boring around here…..Movie Night!”

Tomlin: “That might not be a bad idea. But how about somebody check IMDB this time around. We don’t want any mixups like the kids’ camp this summer.”

Arians: “In my defense, ‘Attack the Block’ does sound like an instructional video on blocking technique. Anyway everybody loved it.”

Tomlin: “You showed an R-rated monster movie to a bunch of 8 year olds. Parents are still sending me angry letters.”

Arians: “Pffft. I get angry letters all the time.”

Tomlin: “Alright, check the blackberry…what’s playing?”

Arians: “Let’s see…how ‘bout this one…..’Real Steel.’

Tomlin: “That sounds like it couldn’t be more perfect. It could be the title of one of our highlight films. What’s it about?”

Arians: (reading) “A struggling boxing promoter and the son he never knew he had form a lasting relationship by repairing a discarded boxing robot together.”

Tomlin: (dumfounded) “That’s the dumbest shit I ever heard. What else?”

Arians: “Moneyball. It’s a baseball movie.”

Tomlin: “Baseball is boring as shit. What else?”

Lebeau: “How about we stop dicking around and see a John Wayne movie? Nobody was tougher than the Duke!”

Arians: “Hey, great idea! Let me see…..John Wayne. Oh, yes, there is a John Wayne movie playing right here. Does anyone know how to get to…NINETEEN FIFTY TWO?”

Lebeau: “John Wayne would break your neck if he was here right now. And the only reason I won’t do it is because Mikey won’t let me.”

Tomlin: “That’s pretty much a standing rule for everyone in the facility.”

(Art Rooney II walks in.)

Rooney: “Gentlemen, I’ve got something here that is going to blow your minds….and make us virtually unbeatable.”

Tomlin: “I like what I’m hearing. Elaborate.”

Rooney: “Imagine guys like Starks. Hood. Suisham. Suisham’s a boy scout for christ’s sake. Imagine how much better they would be if they played mean. Mean and nasty. I’m talking like the days of Mean Joe and Lambert. I got something that’ll make everyone on this team play like the Devil’s up their ass!”

Tomlin: “That sounds like something that is going to completely sidetrack my meeting.”

Rooney: “Here, try this.” (He flips a pill to Lebeau who put it in his mouth and swallows it.)

Tomlin: “What exactly is it?”

Rooney: “It’s kind of like this rage potion. I got the idea from watching ‘Ghostbusters 2.’”

Tomlin: “Does it work?”

(Lebeau picks up his chair and smashes it down onto Bruce Arians’ head—knocking him out cold.)


Tomlin: “Holy shit. I’d say it does. Where’d you get it?”

Rooney: “We have a laboratory in Dublin working on all kinds of crazy stuff like this. I’m going to order another thousand units. Everyone gets two doses on game days.”

Tomlin: “Fantastic. Except Kemoateu, right?”

Rooney: “Oh, of course. He’s still getting daily injections of estrogen?”

Tomlin: “Yes, we even doubled the dosage. That man has some unholy rage deep down inside.”

Lebeau: “We figure there might be some rhinoceros in his family’s lineage.”

Tomlin: “One problem. What about the penalties? Fines? Suspensions? If Suh got two games for stepping on someone’s arm, what’s going to happen when Harrison suplexes a referree?”

Rooney: “Holy crap. You’re right. What was I thinking?” (He pulls some other pills out of his pocket and stares down into his hand.) “We may have to use these.”

Tomlin: “What are those?”

Rooney: “The pussy pills.”

(He extends one out to Dick Lebeau who shakes his head from side to side.)

Lebeau: “Uh, uh. (picks up his chair) I’ll wake BA.”

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