Your week 15 Hate Guide
*Welcome to the Hate Guide. For the unacquainted, the hate guide is laden with wanton profanity and lathered with hate sauce. Try to keep it civil please. Remember, December is a time for giving, giving HATE that is.
Well last week played out rather oddly didn’t it? Do you not LOVE Large Benjamin? Seriously in today’s Pussyfied America, guys like Ben Roethlisberger are about as common as non-pederast Catholic priests. Ben gets his ankle bent through the fabric of space and time and somehow just uses his holy Wolverine healing powers to restore it to its usual functional self. Apparently sufficient quantities of tape CAN fix anything. I swear by the end of the season Ben looks like some monster creation from the Red Green show. But goddammit I love him for toughin it out and showing us his giant grey cahones as if we were slutty college girls.
And that’s why I have no doubt now we’re going to the Super Bowl. Hate motivates. It makes the impossible possible. It heals all wounds, and creates a bunch more. And it gave our team the grit to tear the Clowns up for 60 minutes. Holding a team to 3 points in today’s NFL is just absolute domination.
So now we gotta finish strong, 3 more games to go. Unfortunately for Sir James Harrison IV of Hell, there’ll be only two games.
Which brings me to my first wave of hatred: Roger NoGoodell
I hate this man and he stanks! Seriously I want to fuck Goodell in the ass with a cattle prod turned up to max. He needs to die and rot in Cleveland. This ginger piece of shit thinks he can just use Harrison as his whippin boy whenever he wants to change the game. Goodell is a full blooded Russian Commie. He just wants everybody to have lots of points and wants everybody to be exactly the same. He doesn’t want you to run the ball, hates defense, hates physical play, loves penalties. He basically wants our game to become basketball. Basketball is cool but I usually hate it because it’s a bunch of overpaid lazy asswipes making all the plays while a bunch of scrubs that never even got college degrees pitch in. You rarely if ever see a real ‘team’ of players. 100-100 games are preferred over a 70-80 game. Bullshit fouls and rigged refs make it even more lame.
So screw you Goodell with a rusty exhaust pipe because you’re ruining my sport damn you. Why do you think you know what’s best for the NFL? You’re an idiot. My sperm have more potential than you’ll ever have and when I take a shit whatever leftovers came out of me are smarter than your stupid redhaired communist asshole. Go tie a rope around your neck and tiny balls and jump off a building.
But anyway this will just make our team even more furious for their opponent this week: The Slut Fordildo 69ers.
We rarely have any beef with the 49ers, because they’ve largely been irrelevant for a while now. And Pittsburgh never had the pleasure of whooping their asses in a Super Bowl. Obviously Pittsburgh has been a much better team. Man Tran got all their wins in a short time and that was that. Pittsburgh gets some hardware practically every year. We get to the Super Bowl every decade. Oh yeah, and we got one more ring than these tools. That’s right, congrats on being tied for #2.
But there are multitudes of reasons to hate the 69ers besides their status as our footstool. One of the biggest is the ‘Ashley’ of the Harbaugh Douche Twins. I’ll give him credit for being better than the retard in Baltimore, but only as a coach. Both of these guys are insufferable assmongers with epic douchicity. The crazy black dude that pulled his pants down was IMO a much better HC. A good head coach has to be a badass and have a great personality. Cowher would shove a photo in your pocket and spit on you like a camel, and you played hard for him. Tomlin speaks like a sage and looks like a movie star and is ballin as hell. That’s why we have the best. All I can say is his team is vastly overrated because its in the Not Football Conference. That Division two bullshit over there is so lame. One team, 3 games ahead of everybody. I declare shenanigans. Don’t tell me the Pats or Steelers could never take the Fudge Packers. I expect us to demolish the 49ers because they have hardly been tested by a real team. Everybody in the NFC is so flakey it’s ridiculous. You never see a team like ours that just wins all the time every year. Closest is probably the Iggles but even they suck now. Giants totally don’t count, win the super bowl once, miss the playoffs half the rest of the time, and then suck when you do get there.
And worse yet, this shit heap overrated POS garbage bullshit hippie infested squad lost to the friggin Cardinals the other day. Those period-blood colored desert-dwelling morons managed to beat somebody and the 49ers somehow were the victim. Proof that losing to shitty teams runs in the Harbaugh family.
And well, you all know how much I hate San Francisco. San Fran is the home of the Pussyification of America. If you’re mad at the Deebo suspension, be mad at THIS city. This city is where all these artsy fartsy uber liberal retards come from. These are the people ruining America with their insistence on political correctness, organic produce, occupying things, passivism, nudity, censorship, and terrorism. These are the people that make it impossible to enjoy anything anymore because they have to somehow make it bad for you and terrible and give you a guilt trip for just about every goddamn thing now. You ate at McDonalds, let’s see you supported a big corporation, check. You ate processed food, check. That’s two crimes against humanity for you today. Shut the fuck up. I wanna enjoy my bad decisions and I don’t need some skin and bones long haired unshaven dirty hippie waving a peace sign and wearin a tiedye shirt to tell me what the hell I should do with my life. Those people don’t make anything worth using, don’t make anything better, don’t create jobs, don’t contribute anything but they feel the right to shit on everything I love about America.
In America we can blow shit up if we want to because it’s awesome. Guns are great and put big holes in stuff. In America, you don’t die from being hungry, you die from being fat. These jagoffs would rather you die of starvation eating nothing but grass instead of killin an animal and asserting your dominance upon the earth. In America we can say what we want because of this little thing called freedom of speech. So when you throw a bucket of paint on somebody’s new dress, declare some term offensive out of the blue, or tell me I can’t say certain phrases on TV or whatever I just wanna slap you with an American flag pole.
By defeating The 69ers, we remind San Francisco that Pittsburgh is in the heart of America and San Francisco is the Asshole. Time for us to plug that hole for good on some Monday Night Football. WOOOOOOO!!!! Hate Train coming up your ass hippies!!!!
Well now I’m ripped. Lets hate the rest of the league shall we?
Jacksonville Terrorists @ False-cons
Even though the Jagoffs are out of the playoffs, and now owned by Al-Qaeda, they can still play spoiler to the False Cons. They have a simple situation: Win out and go to the playoffs.
And frankly I hate those southern ratbirds a little more than I do Jacksonville at the moment. The Falcons could have beat the Packers, and didn’t. That effectively makes them party to the game of which I do not speak. I hate em and they stank. But frankly, I care little about this pathetic matchup between Confederate slave lovers.
DallAss Cornholes @ Strapon Bay
Dallas managed to screw another game up in dramatic fashion. I love watching the Cowboys lose. They’re just so amazingly overrated. Not America’s team folks. When you call them that my blood boils. America is not a bunch of failures with shitty retard accents that only know how to hammer a fence post into the ground. No, we’re winners dammit! Pittsburgh is where winners live. If you wanna find a guy to wash your dishes, go to Dallass. If you want people to handle medical emergencies, make you a delicious sandwich, win a football game the right way, or get you a bottle of ketchup, go to Pittsburgh. May the Buccaneers have a blessed rebound and continue knocking the Cowgirls out of the playoffs.
Miami @ Great White Buffalo
Buffalo got manhandled by the Chargers. This could prove to be beneficial for the Stillers. If the Chargers build up some momentum, they might be able to knock off the Ratbirds. Considering that they could still win out and take their division, they might play pretty hard. We can only pray for such things. In the meantime, I don’t give a shit about which retarded team wins this one. I do love that Tony Sparano got fired the other day. Coach firings make me so happy. Mostly because the Steelers never have to do that. 3 coaches in like 40 years makes that clear.
Seattle @ ShittyCocko
A word to Mary-ann Buttbuddy Ball-Barber the 1/3rd
YOU FUCKIN MORON YOU SUCK ELEPHANT COCK BURN IN HELL FOREVER!!!! I HATE YOU AND YOU STANK!!! This dingleberry-brained hoodlum went and gave the game away to Tebow. Clearly god was the motivating force here. Or could it just be the retarded idiot that was allowed to blow the whole game. You enabled this Tebow shit for yet another week. Thanks so much you ruptured testicle. I hope you get Super Aids and Cancer and Hemerroids and the Black Plague all at once you sick waste of oxygen. Screw your team for eternity, ‘Da Bears’ never existed to me and I damn you all to eternal hatred! Screw you forever you overrated Super-Bowl-choking one-good-player-having pieces of hyena shit.
Go get em Seattle…
Sweet Ho Carolina @ How in the hellston
At this point, I really hope Houston drops a game. It would improve our chances of getting that #1 seed from Baltimore. I respect Houston putting the nail in the Bungholes’ coffin, but now they need to lose a game or two to help us out. Perhaps Fig Newton can unleash some hell on Houston, who somehow keeps winning with a horrible guy you’ve never heard of at QB.
Ten’Teeth Titans @ #1 Draft Selection
The Colts really suck. Couldn’t give us a gift by beating Baltimore. Thanks a lot douchebags. Has a team ever sucked so hard without one player before? It’s really unbelievable. At this point, with both of these useless teams, I’d just love to see the Fatass Indy Dome collapse on top of both teams and paralyze them from the waist down forever. I couldn’t care less about this game. It’s playoff time, and it’s a real pleasure to see them OUT of the mix. But now we gotta focus on the real games that matter. Can’t be wasting precious hate on two teams that will make this game look like a pissing into the wind contest.
Green Bay Crackers @ Kansas Shitty
Todd Haley and his homeless man beard are no longer in the NFL thank god. So I expect Green Bay to continue marching onwards to 16-0. I can’t wait to make them 19-1. I hope you guys get there, cause payback is a bitch. Remember what the Pens did to the Red Wings? That’s what we’re gonna do to you filthy redneck trailer trash dickbags.
New Whore Inns @ Winlesssota
Another game where you can probably expect a full reaming of the Purple Penis Eaters. They deserve no less, having resurrected Favre from the grave, played the Stillers in a Super Bowl, and in general sucked epically for ages. Minnesota might be the worst team in the NFC, and that’s saying something. That’s like finishing in last place in a Morbidly Obese Weight Watchers Marathon.
Worshingtan @ Giant Cowboy Killers
Thanks for beating the Cowgirls, Giants. And Thanks a LOT asshole redforeskins for NOT beating the Pats. Way to just troll us for an hour. Make it LOOK like you’ll beat em and then you let em off the hook. Great job there shitheads. I’m so sick of this team trying to buy their way to success. They have about as much efficiency as the US Legislative Branch. The Giants have my permission to continue mauling any other team they’d like. A win over the Cowboys makes me a happy clam.
Bungholes @ Taint Louis
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAaaaaa… (deep breath) HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH LOL OMG (breaks glass and falls on table) Wow…. I’m sorry folks just watching the Bengals lose at the end of the year makes me laugh so hard. They’re such inept backward dipshits. Against us, they wiped out TWO scoring plays with penalties. Same thing last week, I just couldn’t ask for more. It’s so hilarious how every year they think they’ll win something. And then as usual the shit rises to the top of the diarrhea and you see who the Bungholes really are. I hope they keep falling apart. Screw their Ginger QB. He’s obviously a Commie like Goodell.
DEEEETroit @ Oakland
I really hope Detroit can pull it off and get into the playoffs. At this moment it’s win and in. And while I would have liked to cremate Oakland in the playoffs, I’d rather see the Lions get a playoff game for once in their history. Besides, the Raiders are a bunch of dirty cheaters. How is it possible that Richard Seymour punching a guy again this year doesn’t merit a suspension when he did it just the other year to Ben? Is he not a repeat offender? And his actions aren’t even football plays, they’re just dirty cheap shots. To compare him to Harrison is sickening, and to see his fat ass go unpunished makes me so angry. I hate Goodell and his biased bullshit. Go Lions, Rawr.
Cleveland @ Arizona
Well here’s a shitty matchup for you this week. Somehow Arizona randomly won a decent game. Further proof that the niners are frauds. Cleveland sucks as we’re all well aware. Don’t expect much here. Keep your TV away from this one. Watching this game would be like putting on a seatbelt when your car is in a trash compactor: What’s the fuckin point?
Patriots @ Tebow
God damn my world. I really have to decide between the Pats and the Tebows? I can’t do it. Neither situation is desirable. Which is the lesser of the two evils? The full of shit jesus freak or the piece of shit cheater? It’s like having to decide between screwing Oprah or Rosie O’Donnell, neither option leaves you happy even though somebody’s getting laid.
Since god is involved with the Tebowmania, I’d like to say a prayer to the lord. I’m not much of a religious type, but I know he hears us when we speak in our times of need.
This week your loyal disciple Timothy Tee-Ball is scheduled to compete against a team you also likely despise, the Cheaters. The cheaters have broken a cardinal rule in coveting they neighbor’s defensive hand signals. And surely your godliness would love nothing more than to continue to spread your word across America. But I must ask that you please withhold your godly influence this week. Please, lord, send upon us a greater plague. Humanity has failed you. We no longer permit your awesome Old-Testamentude. Women get to CHOOSE who they marry now, Lepers get to go out in public, false gods are worshipped in San Francisco (John Lennon, god of the hippies) and Jacksonville (Terrorism God) and New Orleans (Voodoo gods). The only choice you have left is to begin the cleansing. Destroy the infidels and burninate the countryside. I would simply ask us all to be devoured alive by your anger instead of seeing one of these teams win another game. Oh and while you’re blessing Jesus types, please give Philip Rivers 6 TDs and no INTs this week.
Jesticles @ Iggles
The Jesticles and their fatass pig coach Trannysaurus-Rex Ryan could still win their division. While this would belittle the Cheaters, I’d rather see the Jets lose this one. I hate when they get into the playoffs and act like they are the shit again. The Iggles have a chance to make this season less lame by playing spoiler. But I would like to see Andy Reid fired on the other hand. Tough call. How about a tie?
Baltiwhore @ San Diego
Folks this is it. I’m convinced this is the game for our division title. I don’t believe the Ratbirds will lose another game, and that this is the last one they might lose. The Ratbirds DON’T deserve this title. They don’t deserve OUR division crown. They lost to shitty NFC and AFC teams on the bottom of the barrel. They don’t deserve it! They can’t have it! I declare my hate to be strong and I want to see every last one of the Ravens shoved into medieval cages hanging from an English castle while a million literal ravens pluck out their eyes and eat them alive. Screw Baltimore, they don’t have even half the men we do on our squad. This is a team built for one purpose: To beat Pittsburgh. Not to be a champion. Time to show them that the original is always better than the copy.
San Diego I grant you my Blessing of Hate and confer to you my powers of hatred. May your lightning bolts shock the ratbirds right out of the sky and burn them into cinders. May dozens of illegals shank Ray Lewis in an alleyway, may your wrath be felt in their secondary with scores of deep balls into the Ravens’ EZ. Hate bless you San Diego, keep this up, and we might just get to thank you for it properly in the playoffs.