FanPost

A San Francisco Premonition

Mortty Ivy Goes on a Rampage

Situation: 2nd quarter, 3:32 remaining., 49ers ball on own 18, 2nd and 12, Injury time out

Score: Steelers 17 Forty-Niners 3

MNF Announcers: Mike Tirico, Jon Gruden and Ron “Jaws” Jaworski.

Gruden: That's another brutal hit by Ivy! This kid really ramped his game tonight subbing for suspended James Harrison. Two sacks--one a strip sack that led to six, three hurries, and that tackle for a loss--and it's only the second quarter.

Tirico: Tackle? That wasn't a tackle; that was a Panzer tank squashing Porsche--another helmet-to-helmet battering ram takedown by Ivy, and another injury time out while the Forty-Niner trainers help Gore find his marbles in the grass. Ivy looks like a Harrison clone.

Jaworski: Left tackle Sims seems helpless against Ivy's speed and power. The Steelers aren't missing a beat without Harrison. In fact, Tomlin didn't seem concerned about his absence.

[Cut to pre-recorded sideline comment during warm-ups.]

Mike Tomlin: [fights to keep a straight face] The standard is the standard. I expect #57 to play just like #92. [Troy and Ryan stand in the background, listening to the coach. Their snickers erupt in guffaws over his comment.]

Grunden [live]: Ivy clearly embraces Tomlin's philosophy. Here's what he said earlier today when he learned of his surprise start tonight.

[Cut to Mortty Ivy in hotel lobby; the reserve linebacker wears a helmet with a smokey visor along with street clothes.]

Ivy: Yes, I'm deeply grateful to have an opportunity to show what I've learned from the courageous, wise, gentle, intelligent and handsome James Harrison--a truly great football player and human being who deserves to be in the Pro Bowl and Hall of Fame. In fact, I can't sleep at night thinkin' how Mr. Goodell does James so dirty--I mean, where's the man supposed to put his flakin' head when tackling? It sorta sits on his shoulders inconvenient-like. I'm sure James would love to have his head grow out of his @$$hole for Mr. Goodell's convenience, but the #1 Fan in the sky apparently likes a tougher brand of football. Besides, James would drown when he sat on the crapper.

Ivy: [responds to a question]. What helmet? Oh, this helmet? Well...it's kind of like Keisel's beard. I swore an oath to the #1 Fan when I heard of James's suspension I wouldn't take it off until James is reinstated after the game--preferably [snicker, snicker] when I'm somewhere private back in the 'Burgh.



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