Your week 16 Hate Guide
*As you know, this is the Hate Guide. Here, profanity and tomfoolery abound. Some of the topics discussed in the following paragraphs may be upsetting to some. For those brave enough to venture on, enjoy!
Due to the later nature of last weeks game, and earlier start of this week, I had to get it in a little later. Plus there's that whole Christmas thing which has been complicating my plans. We'll get to that later. Lets get down to business.
I have to say I’m still reeling from the pukefest that was Monday Night’s Game. I’m not nearly as bothered by it, because in my opinion it wasn’t the end of the world to get the 5 seed. Now we can rest our guys up for the playoffs. And we’ll likely get to smite Tebow in the first round which makes me very happy. I can’t wait to nail that bible thumper to a cross and set him on fire in the middle of Mile High Stadium. Speaking of Mile High, that’s what I wanna be right now. One second.
Damn… Before we get into the games, I need to speak out about a relatively unrelated, but absurdly obnoxious thing that’s been driving me mad.
Christmas is some real bullshit. I hate it and it stanks. There’s like a million and one reasons. Now first of all the thing I hate is you can’t hate Christmas unless you’re a moose-lamb or banker/accountant. I’m 100% in the ‘don’t give a shit’ religion. My gods are football, alcohol, and poontang. And I hate when people shove the religious aspect of Christmas in my face like some kind of chloroform cloth before a raping. It’s so retarded. By now everybody’s all figured out Jesus probably wasn’t born in December.
But that’s not the worst part, oh no. The worst part is being forced to participate in like 100 things that you can’t stand for more than 5 seconds. First there’s the whole buying presents part. I hate holidays that MAKE me buy shit. Valentines day is the 2nd worst holiday in this area. Both suck and can eat a bag of dicks. And you HAVE to do it. If you don’t you’re the asshole Grinch that stole Christmas wahhh ‘you don’t have the Christmas spirit’ wahhh ‘our lord was born’ wahhh I want a pony this year. Shut the fuck up people and just leave me alone I don’t give a fuck about Christmas, Christ!
After being forced to participate in all these retarded commercial schemes such as ‘Secret Santa (Asshole who won’t get you what you want)’ ‘Stocking Stuffers AKA bullshit nobody wants’ and my personal favorite, ‘Mandatory Reforestation in your living room’ you’ve ended up spending all your goddamn money and you never can buy anything for yourself. Scam works every year. You end up broke and have to pray your cheapass relatives or friends will buy you what you want. You’re at the mercy of the Department Store Gestapo. Lord almighty those places are the worst. You have to go there with a million people pushing and shoving like a bunch of Colts fans rushing towards the world’s last twinkie. Then there’s the waiting in line for an eternity.
Then after buying all this shit, and going through Mordor to get it, you gotta make it look nice and buy cards that say what you can just say with your damn mouth and then wrap shit up in expensive paper which will just be ripped to shreds.
Seriously Christmas sucks. Plus there’s the annoying as hell work parties that make you do a bunch of extra crap off the clock and without pay but you have to do it cause, again, if you don’t you’re an asshole who hates Jesus and love and Santa. Santa is Satan with a spelling change and he’s an asshole from hell that keeps a bunch of midgets working as slaves up in the friggin North Pole. Now, people want to take away Ronald McDonald, The Redskins and chiefs characters, and changed the name of Nigger-Head Mountain. But Santa is ok? Santa the slave driving midget abusing and animal whipping man is cool? Just cause he bribes everybody else off with presents and his bullshit doesn’t mean I aint on to him. I will shock Santa’s balls with a car battery if I ever meet him in person. Screw Christmas…
Oh and don’t forget the shitty music. You get 10 songs, every year, on repeat, EVERYWHERE. Jesus HAS to be sick of this by now right? I mean think about it he’s up there in heaven listening to the same crappy songs every year. Make some new music for Jesus please. And for me. Cause I’m sick of hearing about Rudolph and Jingle Bells and all that shit. And its one month of that intolerable ear splitting garbage. Then sometimes you get bands like N SYNC trying to make new Christmas music and it sucks so much more than the old stuff you just want to blow your ears out with M-80s. God….
The other thing is that Christmas totally fubars any personal plans you have. Wanna go away? Cant, prices are like 30x more expensive for hotels and flights. Oh, you wanted to watch football on Sunday? Too bad, Jesus declares Saturday to be your day. Screw this shit I want Sunday football not some Saturday crap.
And so on Saturday, the day before Christmas there is a Steeler game. Against the Taint Clueless RamJobs. Will there be a Christmas Miracle? Will Bill Belichick steal Christmas like he stole our play calls? Will Jaws ever shut the fuck up on ESPN? Will somebody turn off that goddamn Christmas music?!
Now we all know the Ramjobs suck epically and are hardly a threat to our Steelers. Except now half of our Steelers are in the ICU. Since the Stillers laid an egg on Monday Night and that egg was full of decayed rat shit we probably have a very small shot at getting a bye week. I maintain we shouldn’t even go for it, instead give the players their two weeks rest now and hope we win a game to keep the 5th seed and not drop to 6.
With that aside, I think the Ramjobs haven’t been hated enough in their lives. It’s kinda strange really. They have no big rivals. Whenever other teams in their division were good, they sucked, and vice versa. They bounced around, getting pushed out of Cleveland by the Browns a long time ago before Hitler was in fashion. Its pretty sad that you couldn’t compete with the lowly Browns. I mean how much do you have to suck to say ‘Well we can’t beat Cleveland lets go to hippie Mexican town.’? So now they go to LA, suck some more, and leave for fatass sloppy-rib-eating river-fishin gun-totin cud-chewin cuntbag Missouri. Missouri was originally home to the French, therefore making Missouri retarded for the rest of its miserable existence. This is one of the few states that allows smoking and drinkin pretty much everywhere. You can actually drink and drive in this shit heap of a state and there’s no public intoxication law on the books. This is probably why the STL team is such crap, they’re shitfaced on every down. Granted you’d need to be to tolerate a team like that.
And in football, they did manage to give us Jerome Bettis, probably the worst trade of their history. They eventually got their revenge by breaking FWP’s leg and career simultaneously. And then they found a guy bagging groceries who loved Jesus and got him a Super Bowl ring, but then he lost to the Cheaters so I’ll pretty much forever hate him and he stanks. Really there isn’t much more to know about Taint Looseness. They shit all over themselves every week and I have a feeling we could field our 1995 Super Bowl team today and win this filler game on our schedule. Ben could roll up in a wheelchair and dominate this team.
I have no further use for the Ramjobs, I hope we dismantle them appropriately. I hate em and they stank.
Lets get down to the rest of this crap.
Greaveland @ Cuntn’more
Goddammit how did we blow that opportunity? Whatever stanky shit hit the Ratbirds also hit us big time. That was the worst they’ve looked all season, and I’d argue us as well. Back to where we started it seems. It sucks too, we coulda put these losers on the road. That having been said, I loved watching Gay Lewis try to make a play all night. And watching the Ravens lose makes a Steeler loss somewhat tolerable in any case. If Cleveland beat Baltimore this weekend I’d shit a brick made of gold coins. Chances are that aint happening. Our best and really only hope is Cincy fighting for a playoff spot. But fuck the overrated ratbirds and their bullshit. Don’t expect much here. The Mexican’t announcer for MNF said it best. ‘Los Browns siguen siendo Los Browns’ I found it awesome that even the Mexican’ts know the Browns suck ass. (That means The Browns are still The Browns, but more literally it’s that they continue being the browns. What else could they ever be?)
Tebow @ Fluffalo
The Tebows will take the field and probably look to rebound from their reaming courtesy of Thom Gay-dy and Emperor Palpatine over there in Fuxher Assnhugetits. Buffalo is the perfect whipping boy. You know almost every Harvard grad was beaten up and shoved into lockers throughout most of high school, and I’m sure Fitzpatrick was too. Buffalo needs to get some nerd revenge for me though. I don’t want the Tebows to leapfrog the inept shitty Texans. I want Tebows blood in two weeks, I’m coming for it. I wanna taste that pure virgin jesus blood and see what it’s like. I want Harrison to snap him in half and knock him into next season. He must get that 4 seed and us the 5. Lets see how much god loves you when Woodley and Harrison are disemboweling your foul corpse on the field.
Tampa Bay @ I don’t care-olina Panties
Seriously this is just end of season mop up NFC garbage that has no relevance to our lives whatsoever. I guess if you want to watch Fig Newton throw into coverage at Steve Smith all day that’s fine. Over under on total times shown on Redzone channel? I’m thinking 3.
Arizona @ Cincinatti
Now while I usually hope Cincy is devoured by a Titanoboa prior to the game, I wouldn’t mind them beating up on Pittsburgh west. It’s good practice for Baltimore, and they need to win to stay motivated. If they lose they’re pretty much guaranteed not to make the playoffs. If they can pull this one out at home, they might be able to sack up for Baltimore and gift us the 2nd seed. Plus, we could get the fantastic opportunity to clean out BOTH of our division rivals in consecutive games, which would be supremely awesome. So go Bungholes, just do everything the opposite of how you usually do and you’ll be fine.
Jokeland @ Queefs
The Queefs have wasted everybody’s time this year and yet somehow are not eliminated yet. At 6-8 their division is still within reach. This is a big game for both shitty teams. But to me it’s kinda like two blind men fighting over a shit covered cupcake. They think there’s something to win here, but really they’re just playing for the opportunity to have their asses kicked by either the Steelers or Ravens. That’s your grand prize you dumbasses. And they suck so much they can’t even get in as wild cards, just by winning the division like Seattle did last year. West divisions suck, I hate em and they stank.
As far as picking a team to really hate here, I’d say the Raiders just because they’re a bunch of dirty syphilis infested whores that punch people and don’t get suspended.
My-hammy @ Death Star
I’m convinced Belichick is Emperor Palpatine, and Tom Brady is basically the faggy version of Anakin from Episode 2-3 prequels. Could Miami deliver the Christmas Miracle and steal it back from the Grinch himself? I doubt it. There will be no photon torpedos in any exhaust ports this weekend I’m afraid. But actually I love watching all the bandwagoners jump on when the Pats are locked in to the 1 seed. FACT: 81% of Pats fans don’t know their team exists until they lock the #1 seed. Then they shout and beat their chesticles about how they have the best spaaahts in the woyyyld like they’re some special Olympians that lost their meds. Hate em and they stank. Can’t even talk about em anymore.
New York @ It’s own asshole
ZOMG KITTENS this game is like a double home game. They should totally segregate the fans on each side of the field and then have a deathmatch between New Yorkers as halftime entertainment. Then again, I did just watch Gladiator. Peter King is probably drooling with anticipation over this game’s uniqueness. Did you know this only happens every 8 years? Why is that NFL? This is such a classic match.. blah blah blah. He’s the worst fat ass writer ever. I am an avid reader of KSKs weekly takedown, and it’s actually gotten worse and worse. Hes a constantly equivocating piece of waffly pig fat that should be skinned alive and used to cloth 3rd world children. I’ve never even once seen his long ass columns contain any decent information about football. Baseball, Boston, Beers, and Starbucks are basically his favorite subjects. He panders on about his dumb ass train trips and plane rides then complains about everything in a FOOTBALL column. How many people would kill for his job? I’d love to see just how many, preferably standing over King’s corpse….
JackinOffville @ Ten’Teeth Titans
Again, another game of little to no significance. Technically Titans winning would help our Strength of Victory tiebreaker if it came down to it for whatever reason. So I suppose the slack-jawed meth-shootin shitty-whisky-makin moonshine-runnin cousin-lovin hillbillies can win one this week without irking me further. Screw those Al-Qaeda lovers down there in Jacksonville.
Winlessota @ Washington
See the Carolina vs Tampa comments above, except remove the part with Steve Smith and Fig Newton and replace it with….. shit nothing. This game is actually worse goddammit. Can’t the league just make these games automatic ties so we can just watch the good teams play? Definitely a battle for draft position. Who will lay down and take it the hardest? This game is just like a whore competition between Snooki and Paris Hilton. They both gonna suck HARD.
While normally I’d give the Chargers a lot of love for beating the ratbirds, we failed to take advantage of the opportunity and it ended up being meaningless. That having been said, I also still have a bet riding on the Lions for a free beer if they make the playoffs. I was hammered when I made the bet but I stood by it until today. And I swear if they DO make the playoffs I’m gonna hate myself for not making that bet more interesting. So go Lions, smite the Chargers. Nankingadong Chu is back this week so get ready for some stompin!
Beagles @ Doughboys
Heres another overhyped NFC matchup that further proves how shitty the NFC is. Look at this division. The Eagles win, and they’re actually a game below 500. 500 could WIN this division. The NFC is just such disorganized trash its worthless. I can’t understand how every year a bunch of teams underachieve and fail like a drunken tightrope walker during an earthquake. This year both of these teams could have been alright, but they’re just dogshit NFC garbage yet again. I hope the Iggles win it though because I can’t stand it when Dallas gets to the playoffs, gets all the attention and media knobbing, and then promptly loses the game in bedshitting fashion.
49ers @ Seattle
If Seattle beats the 9ers it’ll make Monday night feel even worse. I really need the 49ers to win out now until they play us in the Super Bowl where we will make them our slaves and shove pickaxes up their gold mining assholes. Seattle can suck it anyway. I just cant live knowing we lost to an NFC team that wasn’t in the playoffs for the last decade. They have to play good and be the real deal, or I’ll be even more hurt and pissed off.
I’m assuming GB goes into coast mode in the 2nd half here. But even so it shouldn’t be too hard to thrash this shitty Bears team. I doubt it’ll have the intensity it usually does due to the enormous gap between these two teams. It’s like the gap in Strahan’s front teeth that you could drive a midsize sedan through. I guess if you like watching a bunch of dudes roll around on a frozen ice brick this game’s right up your poop chute.
Atlanta Fauxcons @ New Orleans Saints
Nawhlins locks up the division with this win, and gets closer to a first week bye. I see them playing a lot more motivated than the Falcons who will probably get a wild card. The Falcons are just the Ratbirds in Red and every year they choke in the playoffs like Baltimore does. And in the Regular Season, Breesus is gold. I don’t really see any way the Slavery loving falcons find a way to win this one.
So that’s it for the week folks. Get your hate in FAST cause it starts tomorrow. Then it’s just one more week until the playoffs. If playoff hate were a penis, it’d be a hard erect pornstar penis unlike regular season which is just average white male after sex penis. Get ready to skullbone some Tebows!!! WOOOOOO!!!