Your Week 17 Hate Guide
*As you all are well aware this is the Hate Guide. Here we believe in one supreme powerful thing: HATE. And if you are not a big fan of the upcoming profanity, graphic imagery, or violence I ask that you refrain from further reading. Otherwise, drink from the fountain of red hot hate below.
Last week we throttled the Rams with Charlie Batch at QB. I love watching Batch play. He’s like Ben Roethlisberger but everything is just in super slow motion. A Batch Deep Throw actually leaves the planet and re-enters the atmosphere, that’s why it takes so long to arrive. It felt great to force the shutout last week. You just don’t see that much anymore, much less twice in a single season. It’s clear that when the hate flows, our Steelers follow. We need to finish strong this year. We got a lot of guys hurting. I personally think we rest everybody we can for this game, for reasons which I will explain below. Bottom line: We don't need Ben or Pouncey or anybody super important to win this game. Get our vacation on!
The Hate guide is in its last week of regular season football. It has given our team the greatest potential to succeed. We at one point had control of our own destiny. And now we have a chance to win the division, and possibly the entire AFC. To this end, we must build up great hate to thwart the efforts of our foes. I’ve opted to exclude the shit-eating grabass teams that are ineligible for playoff contention. This is focused refined hate at its finest. Time to get ready for those playoffs!
And so to begin we have our boys…. (read in WWF voice) Your 6 time world champion, 8 time conference champion, 20 time division champion, all time wins leader PITTSBURGH STEELERS!!!
And in this corner, the butt ugly, mentally retarded, river burning, corn huskin, nut gobblin son of a bitch waste of NFL space CLEVELAND BROWNS!!!!
God I HATE the Browns. But every year it’s the same isn’t it? I said in the last Browns Hate Guide that the first game would be a tough one. It always is with them, but the score usually ends up being in our favor so much that you forget. They always blow their tiny load on the first game, and proceed to be flaccid in the second matchup.
That’s why this game is my favorite game of the year. There is NO game that I enjoy watching more. The Baltimore games are of course major favorites, but I usually end up screaming at the TV a lot and nearly blowing my brain out my ears from high blood pressure. Not so with Cleveland. Cleveland in the second game of our series poses about as much threat as an epileptic in a nightclub.
Just take a quick look at the records.
2004, we cruise to a 24-10 victory, and this was James’ Harrison’s first taste of Brown Blood.
2005, the second browns game late in the year is a 41-0 anal probing with a Knight’s mace.
2006, Willie parker sets the single game yardage record for Steelers, 27-7
2007, Browns decided to play with us for 3 quarters, but we really were just spotting them points. From down 15, to a 31-28 victory.
2008, 31-0. En route to another Super Bowl title, and the Browns were enroute to another top 5 draft pick.
2009, Browns get lucky one year while Pittsburgh was being Bukkaked on by the entire league for 5 weeks. That sucked. But this was our last loss to a lesser record team since.
2010, Yep, last year was just a bump in the road, with a 41-9 victory.
Hell even in 2000 and 2001 we owned em, and well we all know what happened in 2002.
Basically if it’s December, and we’re playing the Browns, we’re getting a friggin epic bloodbath. It’s like throwing babies into shark pits. And I goddamn love it.
Cleveland, you know how shitty you are. I just reminded you. You haven’t won shit. Your state has literally nothing good in it at all. Anything good from your piece of crap state eventually runs and flees and escapes. And then they come back and ruin your shit. That’s why you’re the worst possible place to be in all of football. I hope the Steelers smite your very will to live and play the game of football. I hope NOBODY will even want to work for you so you can’t even field a team on Sundays. Drunken dog mask wearin moron fans will have to volunteer and James Harrison can give more of them wicked Ric Flair style backflips.
That disgusting herpes sore of a stadium on the asshole of America will be dominated by the Pittsburgh Steelers this Sunday. We are going to take those dog bones out of your fans hands and club you over the head so hard with them that you’ll get a really bad concussion and get put back into the game for more. Then you’ll get Staph. And die. That’s what I want this weak you putrid soulless Ohiodans.
My money says 37-3 on this game. Lets line up the next bitch in my crosshairs.
Detroit Leones RAWR @ Shitty State Farm Commercial
I want the Leones to do a discount double check on Aaron Rodgers face. The Discount Double Check is when Nadominatrix Dong Huge stomps on you twice for being a little TV whore. And screw Rodgers, I’ve had enough of his endless knob slobbering. He’s awesome as a QB don’t get me wrong but I’m tired of how it’s all about Green Bay. That team is a house of cards waiting to be knocked down. Defense is awful now and the O-line is shot to shit. Just wait for us again this year you feces-colored fucks. We’re comin.
Oh and seriously they can go to hell for their new communistic approach to team ownership. Durrr hey look at me I own 0.0000000001% of my team durr I’m important we’re equal yay America. Retards clearly don’t realize that Rodgers is just a goddamn Russian spy tryin to convert America into some hippie commune where everybody owns everything. Pretty soon fans will demand play time and start making the calls. It won’t be long until the Packers are just a useless pile of crap (again).
Go Lions. Congrats on your playoff berth and the clinching of my bet with a friend. I am in your debt to the tune of two Guinness (which in Peru are harder to find than a Pats fan in Summer).
Tennessee @ Houston
Houston is a game below us, so they can’t really make any tiebreaker things happen. The Titans are in full desperation mode, kinda like us in 2009 and have ‘Jesus to come back to earth in an alien space ship’ kind of odds to advance. But maybe they’ll play hard and crap a little more on those shitty expansion Texans that tried to screw us earlier. Don’t ever mess with us Houston. May Hate Rain on both of these teams and devour their redneck cowboy fans with fire and brimstone.
Jets @ Fish
I love watching fatass ryan nearly cry after his team is virtually eliminated. That’s what you get for having a retard who just hit puberty for a QB. I’m willing to bet that aint acne, probably some rad herpes from his latest ‘minor’ exclusion. At least Big Ben goes for women who are clearly of age. I just wanna watch Rex Ryan throw that headset one more time. He’s such a fat loser. Told you guys, morbidly obese coaches WONT win. Look at Reid and Ryan this year. Do I need to say anymore?
Great White Buffalo @ Cheaters
(Read in native American voice for best effect)
Oh Great White Buffalo. Hear my voice. You once were a proud and mighty herd of great white buffaloes. You stampeded over my grandfather’s lands and over his grandfather’s lands. You fell short of the goal many times. But the sun gods have given you another chance fearsome beast. Remember who you were in week 4. Remember what it felt like to run free, and over your opponent. Become that again, may your spirit find Tom Brady in the pocket, may you rend him asunder with your horns. Drink from his blood and be filled.
And then we will be the number one seed.
Seattle @ Arizona
I know I said I’d keep it focused on our playoff scenarios and whatnot. But pardon me while I laugh at the fact that two teams who we’ve beaten in recent Super Bowls are playing eachother for absolutely nothing at the end of the year. I would just like to remind you dirty foul egg layin windshield shit splattering animals that if you ever wanna try something with us we will pluck every feather from your bodies and cook you over a fire. Tastes like chicken. I hate you and you STANK.
Faultimore @ Bengali of Cincinnatus
This is it Baltimore. Pressure is on. Can you FEEL it? I know Flacco can. I know he’s wetting his bed in his footie pajamas right now waiting for his mommy to come tuck him in. He feels the weight of this game like he’s being run over by a cement truck. He can hear the screams of #92, the sound of human bones being eaten by Big Snack. He sees the waves of long curly hair strangle him and take the ball. He smells LaMarr Woodley’s jock strap. His unibrow tingles. His pornstar moustache quivers. Flacco shits his sheets and will NOT be able to carry this team.
Flacco is a QB that is not bad enough to get fired, but not good enough to win you anything. And Baltimore will be stuck with him at least another 5 years without a ring.
With that in mind I declare my allegiance to the Bengal Tigers and wish them luck in qualifying for the 6th seed in the AFC. It would be most pleasing to me to see them enter the elimination rounds. Nothing tickles my fancy like killing 2 division opponents in back to back weeks.
Kansas Shitty @ Tebow
Boy them religious folk are fickle. One minute god is walking amongst us, the next minute he’s just a useless traitor that should be nailed to a plank of wood. I’ll tell you folks everybody bought into that Tebow crap way too much and now they’re realizing that he just really sucks as a QB. He’s little more than a white Michael Vick with less mobility and even less accuracy somehow. And instead of killing dogs he moistens chaste virgins.
But the point is I hate him and he stanks. He needs to get the hell out of my football. I don’t want him in the playoffs, and that means he has to LOSE. Kansas Shitty can play for pride and roll over the Donkeys and their fraudulent football team. Some stupid 8-8 will be hosting a 12 win team.
Whales Vagina @ Smokeland
I would much rather revive an old fight and see the Raiders in the playoffs. But this IS the Raiders we’re talking about. They’re very good at screwing everything up. They draft wrong, sign wrong, trade wrong, and just play wrong. They’re the worst team from top to bottom. How they’ve made it to the playoff hunt is mindblowing. But yeah I hate Rivers so I want his douchebag screaming pansy ass to sit down all January watching us play. As in, the guy that got drafted half a round after you is gonna get another piece of hardware while you stay home and eat shit RIVERS!
Dalassholes @ Giants
Please let New York win this week. I hate Dallasscheeks so much it burns me inside. Romo sucks, that whole team is retarded, in the most grandiose stadium for one of the dumbest teams ever. They have no idea how to build a team up and will never have anything resembling their 90’s greatness. A playoffs without Dallasshair makes me much happier. I don’t have to hear about their stupid asses for a month.
Folks, this is the end of the regular season. We get through this, and we’ll be hating in the playoffs. I want to see some fire this week. We need to rest our boys up, and let the HATE be the 12th man on the field. Hate can make Charlie Batch young again. Hate can get Hines Ward 1000 catches. Hate can heal everybody’s injuries. Hate can kill the Browns! HOOOOAH