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Coaches Meeting 13

Tomlin: “Nice win last Saturday, men. Even though the Rams are about as much of a challenge as getting laid on New Year’s Eve in Canada.”

Arians: “I can’t wait till the Bills finally move there.”

Tomlin: “Anyway, like we always do, win or lose, we look at what’s ahead of us and not behind us. But before we start talking about Cleveland, there is another important issue to address. This HGH testing thing seems like a very real possibility in the very near future. I want to try to get a handle on this before the league does—our own proactive testing.”

Lebeau: “C’mon, Mikey, our guys are all clean. Plus, we can’t test them—that’s got to be an NFLPA violation.”

Tomlin: “Not if they don’t know about it. I’ve had some plumbing secretly reconfigured.” (He points to an open ended pipe hanging down from the ceiling.) “That’s from the urinals in the restroom next door. We can test their urine without them even knowing.”

(They hear footsteps coming from the restroom and the sound of a fly being unzipped.)

Arians: “Well these walls are ridiculously thin.”

Tomlin: “Hurry! Give me a cup!”

(Lebeau hands him Arians’ coffee mug and Tomlin holds it directly under the pipe as it fills with urine.)

Tomlin: “Fantastic! BA, poke your head out into the hall—see who it is.”

Arians: (Poking his head out the door) “Intern.”

Tomlin: “Shit.” (Tosses urine out the window.)

Special Teams Coordinator Al Everest: “I don’t think you can effectively test urine for HGH anyway.”

Arians: “Oh, right! I completely forgot about all your years as a trainer for the German swim team. What are we supposed to test, poo?”

Lebeau: “Mikey, who do you suspect might be using anyway?”

Tomlin: “Not sure…but some of these guys are freaky strong.”

(They hear footsteps coming from the restroom and the sound of a fly being unzipped.)

Tomlin: “Quick…the cup!”

(The cup fills with urine as they hear the unmistakable voice of Art Rooney II singing “Oh Danny Boy” from the restroom.)

Tomlin: “Shit.” (Tosses urine out the window.)

(Art Rooney II walks into the room.)

Rooney: “How’s it going, fellas? Ready to kick some ass this Sunday?” (Looks at the pipe coming down from the ceiling) “What’s up with that?”

Tomlin: “We’re being proactive with this HGH thing. We’re piping in urine from the restroom.”

Rooney: “You might want to toss that last batch out. I was partying with Bono last night. That guy is into some freaky shit.”

Tomlin: “I already ditched it.”

Rooney: “Good. Who do you think’s using anyhow? My money’s on Legursky. Did you see the guns on that beast!”

Tomlin: “No, I don’t really suspect anyone. I just want to stay a step ahead of everyone else.”

Rooney: “Right, kind of like the time we baited Santonio with that weed dealer.”

Arians: “That soccer mom just about hit the lottery.”

(They hear footsteps coming from the restroom and the sound of a fly being unzipped.)

Tomlin: “Shhh….someone’s peeing.”

Lebeau: “We’re really going to do this every time someone takes a leak?”

(Tomlin quickly fills the cup to the brim with urine, but it continues flowing out of the pipe and onto the floor.)

Tomlin: “Maybe we should have a bucket on hand. We’ll get one of the interns to clean this up. Someone duck your head outside, see whose this is.”

Arians: (poking his head out the door) “Suisham!”

Tomlin: “Shit.” (Tosses urine out the window.) “Maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all. We got the Browns to prepare for.”

(Roethlisberger’s voice echoes into the room from the urinal pipe.)

Roethlisberger: “How we doing today, little fella? You ready to score some touchdowns of your own this weekend? Fuck yeah, right! Some lucky Cleveland girls are finally going to know what it’s like to root for a Superbowl Champion.”

Lebeau: “Jesus Christ.”

Tomlin: “I’ll call the plumber ASAP.”

Roethlisberger: “My ankle’s not the only thing going to be stiff all weekend, huh little buddy?”

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