Your Week 14 Hate Guide: Chock Full of Hate

Your Week 14 Hate Guide

*This is the Hate Guide, and It’s December. That means it’s time to amp up the hate so we can march forward to the playoffs. Consequently this article contains massive amounts of hate in the form of profanity and disturbing imagery. This article may not be safe for work, as it may cause a rise in blood pressure and you might kill your boss. Read at your own risk.

As I said I should be back on the regular schedule from here on out. Work's gotten a little better for the time being. And this week since we play on Thursday, and just ejaculated a big wad of Hate onto Cincy's face last week, it's imporant to recharge our hate batteries.

Last week we rocked the house in dramatic fashion. Note to the Bengals: When the QBs Bruce Gradkowski and Charlie Batch are the main competition in the 4th quarter, your team sucks. Seriously how awesome was it to see the Bungles of old making the same retard liquor baby mistakes? I loved every moment of it. For me the best part was watching Andy Daltons red ginger cunt get soft and bloody. Watch him at the end of that game after that last sack, he’s done playing football against us. You can see it in his soulless black eyes. He gave up, quit, and just had had enough. What a pussyface. Any respect I had for Dalton, which was minor, has been lost. Welcome to the AFC North bitch, you get to be reamed by a two-by-four twice a year from now on.

And it brings me to the hate guide. I had been a little shaky the last few weeks, which is probably why the Chiefs game sucked. Clearly the hate is the key to winning It all this year. An on time hate guide, and a whopping 28 point cornhole shucking. So this week, lets fill up on the warm liquor that is HATE. If hate were a sandwich, it’d be a 6 foot long party sub. Lets dig in.

This week, we get a wonderful Thursday night fiesta. But before getting to our game I have to discuss Thursday Communist Propaganda Football Network. The NFL putting games on Thursday really screws me over most years. Since the Steelers are undeniably awesome, we get a primetime slot in every possible slot each year. And to think they had Saturday at one point. Look, I love watching America play every day, and I would totally quit my night job and just watch NFL every night if it were on Monday through Sunday. But this isn’t some communist socialist hippie liberal 35 hour work week unshaven European entitlement MESS. This is America. In America we buy in BULK. We don’t just buy one fagadelic roll of environmentally friendly toilet paper and then daintily wipe our buttocks with one piece of it like some poor starving European artist wannabe dropout.

No, in AMERICA we go to costco and buy enough TP to clean the culo’s of an entire African nation. We roll out of there with enough rolls to leave a trail of paper back to our homes. That’s America, we get prepared bitch. You know if shit goes down we won’t be wiping our asses on leaves. And we won’t be starving, cause we’ll have that giant ass barrel of cheesey puffs sustaining us. Costco and America: Win.

And frankly I like my football the same way. I don’t want some stupid grabass football game every week just for shits and giggles like some European soccer crap. I want America. And that means I get a hearty serving of at least 10 games on Sunday. Frankly I love having all those options Sunday. I love flicking from one game to another and devouring every morsel of my feast that I can. Redzone channel rules. But in the middle of the year you get this BS where there’s a game Thursday, one or TWO on Monday, and then like 6 teams on bye’s. It’s like survival rations the day after Thanksgiving. Not gonna cut it Goodell.

But I figured it out. See, Goodell is a ‘Commuterrorist.©’ It all started with my suspicion of the Jaguars being sold to Osama bin Genghis Hussein Adolf Khan. This guy is obviously 100% our enemy. I bet he pisses oil. Don’t let the media lie to you about how he’s some ‘business owner’

No he totally told Obama he would settle some millions in oil debt for the Jaguars. Why would anyone want the Jaguars? Well it smells a lot like the Middle East for one thing. And it’s very violent and ugly. So Khan felt right at home. But the real reason is OBVIOUS. He’s planning a terrorist attack on the stadium when he gets a big game there.

And Goodell knows this, but knows that sacrificing two shitty teams and a somewhat packed stadium will only increase interest in the NFL. Then he’ll be able to go full Commie bastard and give us two games a day instead of a full Sunday. Then its equal NFL for everyone. No Fan Left Behind. What a douche!

Oh and besides Hating America, Thursday Football means I have to lie to my boss another time on the year. Fortunately tomorrow was the day Jesus somehow got put in Mary and then came out a month later. Jesus had mad gestation skills. And since Peru is catholic I don’t have to work tomorrow. I had no idea being Catholic got you extra holidays. Catholic holidays rule you don’t do anything. In Terrorism or Lawyerism you have to eat specific shit or not eat it or wait to eat it. That’s lame as hell. Jesus was definitely a stoner cause he got those munchies just before dying. He had a last supper. That’s a bold move. You’re about to die and you just decide to clambake an upper room with your bros and down some cheap wine. Good stuff. America: Convert.

This week we get the pleasure, and oh boy do I love this, the pleasure of playing the Cleveland Frowns.

Ahhhh it’s December. It’s that time of year where we get our annual Christmas presents. And that present is usually a pasting of the Browns. We don’t just whoop the Browns, we put gimp suits on them and have our way with them. We leave them walkin funny for a week. We get their coaches fired and their QBs cut. We own Cleveland. They should really just let us use them as our Practice Facility. It’s pretty much the same thing.

Usually that first game of the year with Cleveland is the harder one, but even that one is still usually a double digit victory. But in December we always dominate like a grizzly bear in a fist fight with an aging cripple. So I think we’ve been particularly blessed by the football gods this year. We get the Browns twice in a very short time. What a lovely present. I look forward to disemboweling these mouth-breathing XXXL wearing lower lifeforms they call Browns.

I mean seriously have you ever seen a DUMBER team in any way? Sure other teams are terrible and suck, but do any of them resemble the stupidity found in Heaveland? I know the Browns are a transplant, but they’ve had a good decade to get it right now. The mental retardation isn’t just in one place either. The fans are the dumbest. Every year they believe their shitty noodle armed QB will be ‘the one’. Cleveland has gone through more QBs than I did Kleenex in High School. They believe such players as Mohammed Massaquoi (terrorist) are going to lead them to TDs and wins. The fans’ favorite player is a Special Teamer. That’s how good Cleveland is. Or rather, how fuckin horrible. Then these fans strap dog masks on themselves, and bark and bang bones around. This here wins the title for most retarded fanbase. I prefer ignorant Bungholes shouting ‘Who Dey’ to a bunch of 350lb men pretending to be dogs.

We should round up every last one of them and castrate them. That’s what they do to male dogs running around the city. Then we lock them up in cages and give them a lethal injection. It’s really a shame these people can reproduce. I have yet to meet one Clevelander who doesn’t look like he just rolled out of the cargo bay door at Golden Corral on his side.

Then you have the team itself. The Browns. I mean your team’s name is literally synonymous with feces. Shit. Poop. Doo-doo. Ass Garbage. The Runs. Explosive Diarrhea. Ca-ca. How in the world did your retarded owner think that was a good idea? And what a dick owner for naming the team after himself. The Steelers aren’t called ‘The Rooneys.’ Nobody wants to watch a bunch of passed out Irishmen struggling to play harps on the field while guarding their pots of gold.

Everything about the Browns sucks. We all know this, and I want to save some for our season finale. I hate how every year they think they’re so great but suck. I hate how every year they have a new coach and QB. I hate the entire ugly ass city and state. I’ve been there far too many times and it’s an ugly ass wrinkle on an otherwise Beyonce-esque bootay that is America. I hope their river catches on fire and burns their stadium down while they’re visiting us.

I hate the Browns and they STANK. Go to hell Cleveland. Oh wait, you’re already there.

And now to the rest of the putrid scum that inhabits the league.

LOL Colts @ Baltimorons

Well Indy found a way to suck again. They made the Pats sweat but couldn’t beat them. It tells you a lot though that the Colts are winless without Manning, and the Pats went 11-5 without Brady. I think Manning is the better QB overall, though Brady wins in the playoffs. I’d love to have seen those blowjobbers on other teams, just to see how they’d do. I’m willing to bet Manning would be good almost anywhere, and Brady would probably suck under lesser conditions. God would I love to see Brady behind an O-line as inept as ours has been. His hair plugs would have been knocked out weeks ago. His tender vag would have been soggy and sore after 3 weeks behind our O-line. And without other team’s video footage he probably would have sucked even harder. It says a lot when you can make Matt Cassel look good.

But now the Colts get to give the Ratbirds another win. If they found a way to win this one, they’d get like a Get out of Hate free card for pretty much all of next season.

That offer is valid to any team that knocks off Baltimore in the next four weeks. If you get us the Division title, I’ll print it and mail it to your office. Shit I’ll even channel my hate against your opponents. A better offer has never been made. Only 19.95 shipping and handling.

Shatlanta @ HairyVagina

Both of these Slavery loving teams suck big monkey balls. Atlanta is super overrated and can’t win jack when it counts. Matt Ryan is a joke. I thought this was the one team that could take the Packers, but now it’s clearly just a one team show in the NFC. I wonder if Goodell will pass some NFC only rules to help the inequality and balance it out. Maybe he’ll force a trade from GB to other teams for free. He is a commie after all. Anyway avoid watching this titty slapping special Olympics game if at all possible.

Whoston? @ Bungles

Seriously who the hell is the QB for Houston now? And how in the balls did he win against Atlanta? That shows you just how bad ATL is. I mean really Houston has NOBODY at QB and somehow wins? You must suck hard. The Bungles were given an “I spit on your Grave” style gangraping last week and are still stumbling to the police station. I expect Houston to take their turn pummeling them, but it actually would be good if the Bungles won this weekend. Helps our seeding out if they do. Still, either way I’m happy. Watching the Bungholes fail is fun, and watching our playoff prospects increase is too. It’s a win win no matter who loses.

Can’t Winnesota @ Re-troit

Man does Minnesota blow. 2 wins… That’s what you get though for wearing purple and playing in a big dome. When your roof collapsed last year, that was god telling you to stop playing football. You suck at it. Minnesota’s greatest accomplishment has been losing to Pittsburgh in Super Bowls.

Will Detroit make the playoffs? I had made a bet for a Guinness if they did. So I’m hoping they will. And they deserve it this year. But they have to clean up the Vicunts if they want to. They’re re-turning to their roots of suckage. Sack up Lions. Grow a pair. Devour! Kill! Eat your prey! Go Ndamamamavietcong Shoe on the other team and stomp them into the turf. Hate Hate Hate!!!

Trampa Bay @ Terrorists

Well there you have it folks, Jacksonville has officially been labeled an enemy of the State of America. Could this be the game where Khan blows up the stadium and declares Jihad on the NFL? Perhaps. Either way, this game itself is an act of terrorism. If you watch this, you’ll probably never want to turn on the NFL again because of how rancidly god awful this game will be. My tolerance of Jacksonville has been removed and I rescind my previous blessings. They have sided with the Towelie-Ban and they shall not be forgiven!

In a side note, I think Sandusky should move to Florida. It is shaped like a penis after all. He’d feel right at home.

I was wondering about this, you see in Michigan we use our hands to show where we live. It’s kinda stupid but pretty convenient. Michigan is shaped like a mitten and you point to your closed hand to explain where your city is. I was curious as to whether they did that in Florida or not… Just whip out your dong and point to where you live? Is that cool down there? Does it matter that half the latinos aren’t circumcised? Does Jacksonville have herpes? What’s coming out of Miami?

Disgusting state. Bunch of raft riding Cubans takin our joerbs. I hope a freak hurricane comes up the shore and wipes out this state and this game before The Khan has a chance to blow it up.

Failadelphia @ Miami

Speaking of crappy Florida teams, here’s the Dolphins. Again they seem to have somehow gotten a fire lit under their asses and are suddenly playing useful football. Miami was clearly in troll mode this year. Just pretend to suck for a while, then play spoiler. Tony Sparano probably did it to lower attention in Miami, thus making his giant cocaine shipping operation more successful. How many casinos does that fat Mafioso own?

At this point, let Miami rack up all the wins they want. Especially against Andy Reid. I so hope to god he gets fired this year. Please, it’s about god damn time.

Fatass Shitty @ Rex Ryan’s Stretch Marks

I’d hate to see the Jets make the playoffs because I’m so tired of Ryan’s voice. It’s fun to watch him be a little quieter when they are losing. Probably the least I’ve heard from him in a while. He’s only silent when losing or eating a whole spiral glazed ham by himself. KC could start to enter the spoiler roll, but with Tyler Palko (who was formerly a member of Hansen) at the helm they’ll probably suck and let the Jets roll over them.

Oh Noleans @ Tennessee

For once I really want those crawdad-catching oil-spilling non-English-speakin French-lovin society rejects win a game. For those who hadn’t read it, if Tennessee, the Bengals, and the Jets lose (among other combos) we get a playoff spot. The beautiful thing is that the Ravens CANT clinch a spot this week because they SUCK against shitty teams.

So Nawwhlins, do us a favor and put down your hoodoo voodoo dolls and shitty random combinations of food that some slave threw together two hundred years ago, get off your asses and into your paddle boat, row down to Tennessee, and screw the Titans over with a live lobster.

MI6 vs CIA

New England gets to be the latest team to obliterate the RedForeskins, who have a serious case of Syphillis from being pounded in the rear by just about everybody for the last decade. While it would be awesome to see the Pats lose one, I imagine the chances of me quitting weed are better. But you never know, maybe Belichick’s camera is broken this week.

Sham Fraudcisco @ Whocarezona

I’m still convinced that San Fran blows and is only a product of a division where the next best contestant has 5 wins. I fully expect rectal domination when the Steelers show up. We get a long break to prepare too, making the road trip excuse less of a problem. Course, I don’t want to look ahead. Ideally I prefer to play a cocky opponent, it might be good if they pull out some kind of emotional OT victory that tires them out and lets the Steelers take advantage of them next week. But IMO both of these teams suck, don’t be fooled. The NFC is just the Packers and everybody else.

Chica-gone @ The Holy Spirit

Chicago is the latest to have a chance to win my favor by simply stopping god. This is clearly the sign of the apocalypse in 2012. The plan is simple: God guides Tebow to win the Super Bowl and then when he does, he will rapture all of the fans watching the game at that exact moment. You figure how many people watch the Super Bowl, it’ll create mass panic and chaos. The world will burn and Tebow will lead us to a heaven void of meat products, alcohol, hookers, casinos, and narcotics. These are things I live for dammit TEBOW. Quit Trying to impose your godly will upon all of humanity. Just go fall on your cross already and die. We should go straight up Passion of the Christ on Tebow and just nail him up to the goal poasts after a game. God I hate this little cutesy piece of Christian garbage.

Then you have the people who say ‘I like watching him play.’ NO YOU DON’T. You DON’T like watching 10 completions in a game and 5 others that looked like total crap. You don’t like a guy scrambling around for a two yard completion. We want REAL offense dammit. Tebow hasn’t produced hardly anything.

Then you have the blind idiocy that has taken over the entire world. Last week everybody was saying ‘Tebow did it again!!’

NO HE DIDN’T!!! OMG!!! UGGHSODFHOAIEHFOLSDJOSEHFIOPAUH!!! I’m so pissed at this crap. Christian lovers believe in a talkin dead guy and will buy into whatever their ‘god’ is selling at the moment. I’m just waiting for the Pope to step down and pass his pope stick to Tebow. Tebow does not have a magical god field that makes the other team loft the ball RIGHT to the Denver defense. That pass had Tommy Maddox stamped on it. That was one of the most pathetic passes ever lofted. I thought the QB had tossed it from a wheelchair. My grandpa could probably out throw that one.

The Denver Broncos are being placed in the Eternal Damnation Fire Pit of Mechem Hell. Until they remove their anti-christ demon spawn from their team, I will forever hate them and they will stank like a dozen ham and egg sandwiches doused in milk and left to rot in the hot sun for a month in a Tupperware container. SCREW YOU BRONCOS!!!

Chokeland @ Green Day

God Oakland. You just had to totally epically fail on this season. I really wanted to beat you in the Playoffs but now you’re falling hard with Palmer leading the way to oblivion. I knew Palmer sucked. Hell the whole world did. I don’t know who reached around who but god damn you for helping the Bengals. And now you can’t even score ONE point against MIAMI!!!

Now I want the Packers to crush you with thousand pound wheels of cheese until your insides pop out of your orifices and ooze out into the shitty frozen playing field that is Lambeau.

BuffaNo @ Whales Vagina

These two teams early on looked to be awesome. Now they’re both 5-7. These teams are actually pretty similar, offenses capable of production, so so defenses, but just shitty management and coaching and stupid boners every step of the way.

At this point, this game is for their personal pride and honestly I couldn’t care less about it. Although I personally wouldn’t mind seeing the Chargers lose another one. It’s fun watching Philip Rivers piss and moan and cry after every bad play. Just remember dumbasses, you coulda had Big Ben and instead took this guy. Draft a super Jesus loving family man with 8 kids, and you get no SB victories. Draft a guy who’s willing to FORCE himself on the other ‘team’ to get a win, and you win some SB’s, and somebody gets some money somewhere to shut up.

Giants @ Dumbest coach ever

Well last week goes on record as the Dumbest Coaching Moment Ever. In case you didn’t see it, they called a timeout like a split second before the snap, and the kicker made the 49 yarder. Effectively they ICED their OWN kicker. And the next kick was a miss. Oh yeah, and it was OT.

Nothing I love more than watching the Cowboys SUCK AND BLOW. It’s amazing. Usually Romo is the one screwing over his own team. It’s amazing, like these guys find new ways to sabotage their own team every week. Sometimes I can’t believe it. If it ain’t Romo throwing picks or fumbling snaps, it’s coaches shittin on their own game winning kick.

I hope the Giants paste these losers and shove a big metal spur right up their asses on Monday night. I can’t stand the Cowhumpers and they need to get bent, something Jerry Jones’s face cannot do.

That’s it for this week folks. Lets get it going here, we gotta finish strong and march into the playoffs as the #1 seed in the league. It’s still up for grabs, but only if you use the HATE to conquer and vanquish other opponents. And what’s more, we must focus it against the Baltimorons this week and every week too. There are only two games that matter right now every week. That’s it. Hate with your Heart. Hate with your Life. Hate with your Soul. Hate with a handful of bacon. That is all.

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