Pandemonium at the NFL Corporate Offices

(What follows is for the purposes of humor (Hopefully) only. It is FICTION, no need to take any part of what is said or implied seriously. That being said, if you haven't read my crap before, you will not have a clue as to what is going on. Check out the link at the bottom of the page for enlightenment, as it were.)


Today units of the NYPD, National Guard and Naval Special Forces were called to the NFL corporate offices after the building was evacuated for  safety reasons following a series of lightening quick attacks which  left several high ranking employees curled up on the floor holding know...Huevos.

Witnesses were in disagreement as to exactly what or who was perpetrating these attacks on members of the NFL labor negotiating team. Some claim it was a ghost, some a Tasmanian Devil. One claimed it was a small child.

Amelda P. Snorker claims to have seen something resembling frizzy black hair just as whatever it was disappeared around the corner. Shortly after, Amelda was fired for talking to the press.

Harold K. Mackelstooger swears he saw flashes of black and gold just before the lights went out in the conference room and some of his co-workers began screaming. Shortly after, Harold was fired for talking to the press.

A man, who prefers to remain anonymous, painted a picture of terror, confusion and panic as the "Entity" moved through the building. He commented, "The screams all by themselves caused shrinkage. I don't know if he will ever recover. I might have to take him to a professional".

At ten minutes past ten o'clock in the morning, four members of the NYPD canine unit were released into the building, but refused to enter. Two German Shepards, a Rottweiler and a masculine Poodle all tucked their tails and started to whimper when they got a whiff of the intruder. The Poodle vomited in fear.

At a quarter to eleven, after drawing straws, Naval Seal Team Six assaulted the building in a standard two by eight formation. Years of training, multiple incursions into enemy territory and days spent in the company of Mike Brown were not enough to prepare the team for what they were facing. Tactical discipline quickly melted amid sporadic gunfire, grunts and loss of breath. Seal Team Six, fortunately, was able to crawl back out under their own power without any fatalities. For the most part, their injures were not life threatening, although several will have to wear splints for an unspecified period of time.

"It came out of nowhere", reported the team leader, "Must have been eight feet tall, six arms, and faster than the Grand Poobah double-talks". The team leader was referring to The Grand Poobah Of Arbitraty Rules And Decisions, Roger Goodell.

Another team member, Chester J. Musclejaw, being wheeled away on an ambulance gurney, exclaimed, "It hit me so hard, my left eye almost popped out of socket". Doctors report he will never father children.

Other members of the team were unable to comment.

After looking nervous and sick for twenty tense minutes, the National Guard was cajoled into sending a twenty man squad into the building. In silence, they donned their body armor, gloves, athletic supporters with standard issue cups, rifles, tear gas, gas masks and helmets. Additionally, the squad was equipped with state-of-the-art ground chuck launchers.

Later, one of the squad members was heard saying, "The chuck was useless! It could eat and attack at the same time. I think the meat made it stronger. Oh God, why did they give us standard issue? Bob took a flying kick, George took a two handed, four fingered stab, Lester received a roundhouse that would have crippled an elephant.That thing cracked 'em like walnuts. It moved like something out of the Matrix. The last thing I remember is my ears popping and not being able to breath. By the way, it was Russell shot John in the ass, when he got hit".

Shortly thereafter, in desperation, officials sent in a pack of six trained badgers from Donald Trump's intern training division. What ensued was a series of snarls, growls, yelps and grunts. One by one, the badgers waddled out smoking cigarettes. "The fact that they were all female totally escaped us", explained the head official.

All hope seemed to be lost and a tactical nuclear strike seemed imminent.

No one knows how long Dee-Morris Smith was standing at the end of the block, behind the barrier, leaning on his limo. But he was eventually noticed, as was his smug grin. At this point NFL officials approached Mr. Smith and started arguing in ernest. What followed was one of the most enlightened, civil, courteous exchanges of words you ever heard... Just kidding! It was like a pack of third-graders arguing Chuck Norris vs. Bruce Lee. Actually, that's an insult to third-graders and their high-brow exchange of ideas.

Once the gathered media was focused on Mr. smith and the Ringling Brothers, he held up his arms until he got silence. "The NFLPA is only here to help", he proclaimed. "We have only ever wanted what's best for the NFL and so here we are to help, just help."

At this point, he opened the rear door to the limo and a cheer went up from the crowd as James Harrison stepped out. Without so much as a look left or right, Mr. Harrison took a big, cleansing breath, knitted his brow and walked into the building.

We can only speculate what took place in that building today, but terms like "Battle royal", "Armageddon", and "Spring break" are already being bandied around by the media (All of whom have been fired for talking without the NFL's permission).  We will never know what happened before James Harrison stepped from the building holding a wildly shaking burlap sack. And, we will never know what was in that sack since Harrison proceeded to lock it in the trunk of the limo and re-embark the vehicle without comment.

Before following Mr. Harrison in to the car, Mr. Smith's only comment was, "You're welcome".

Several people standing next to The Grand Pubah Of Arbitrary Rules And Decisions when his head popped said it was like a warm shower on a summer day.

There were so many anonymous comments from NFL  corporate personnel describing the days events, that upon adding them all up and realizing their number equaled the number of employees employed at the corporate offices, everyone at the NFL corporate offices was fired, except The Grand Pobah Of Arbitrary Rules And Decisions, who did the firing, and seems to be functioning just fine without a head. At least, he doesn't seem any dumber.

One final note: James Harrison was fined $68,289 and change for neglecting to inform the NFL he was in New York.

(If you don't know what was in the sack, go here for a clue: )

Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Behind the Steel Curtain

You must be a member of Behind the Steel Curtain to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Behind the Steel Curtain. You should read them.

Join Behind the Steel Curtain

You must be a member of Behind the Steel Curtain to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Behind the Steel Curtain. You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.