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A serious grading of our first 4 draft picks


Granted grading draft picks is an exercise in futility, but I like me some futility now and then. So lets look at our draft.

 

Round 1: DE Cameron Heyward

 

Hes a big dude, projects well into our system. I have some concerns however:

1. Name is bothersome. Cameron is a bisexual name. Gotta be careful with that kind of indecision. Play action or misdirection runs could be a big problem.

2. Last name sounds like Wayward. Meaning he could be lost. Alternate interpretation means "Hey, Ward" and could show a previous life friendship with Hines Ward. Undecided on the gravity of this factor.

 

On the positive side:

Father was a footballer. Large head = larger brain = better player. But he did have some issues. Still, football in the blood is a good sign.

Hes young and the D-Line isnt.

Final Grade: B+

 

Round 2: OT Marcus Gilbert

A big OT with shorter arms who shows versatility at various line positions, something that we love since we play musical chairs on the line every game. Could anchor the right side. Knows Pouncey.

Negatives: Short arms. Could mean he can't reach down to tie shoes mid game. Possibly can't scratch where it itches. Not going to be a good tackle-eligible receiver with short arms. Florida boy may not like cold Pittsburgh winter.

Positives: Knows Pouncey. Chemistry. Pouncey will probably be our coach in 20 years so expect Gilbert to follow him into a OC role. I expect the full Florida line to become our coaching staff in two decades by form of coup de etat.


Final Grade: A-

 

Round 3: CB Curtis Brown.

Smaller body but quick athletic CB that can jump into the stratusphere and can catch also.

Negatives: May possibly jump out of the stadium. Lightweight could cause him to orbit around obese Cleveland fans who have a gravitational pull. Needs to put on about 10-15 lbs.

Positives: Went to a quality school. Initials are CB which shows a great level of commitment to the position.

 

Final Grade: B-

 

Round 4: CB Cortez Allen

Bigger CB from a small school. Played very well against questionable competition.

Negatives: May possibly be an illegal immigrant. Need to check green card. May miss time in game for stomach problems from all those burritos he eats.

Positives: His name sounds like a conquistador and his last name is my mother's maiden name, so he could be my family. will call to ask for money.

Final Grade: A

 

I've run out of time so this is the first half. Enjoy. Comment below.

 

Note: This is  Mechem poast which means you should take everything with a few grains of salt sugar and crushed red pepper. If this offends you please click the red X in the upper right hand corner of the page.

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