Ah, good ol' WyoFan. Had been wondering where his twisted humor had been this past few weeks. If you're new to the site and find yourself wanting to be offended, don't be. It's his harmless, unique M.O. - Michael B. -
By now, we've all heard what Ray-Ray had to say about crime and the NFL lockout. Sure, the media was gasping for stories, but even if they weren't, they would have to have listened to the NFLs third or fourth leading authority on criminal activity (Plax and Vick have to be numbers one and two. See also: NFLs dumbest players).
Even though I'm not a fan of Ray-Ray the person, and I loath the future where ESPN hires him the day after he retires to educate us all on disrespect, he got me thinking - What are some of the possible ramifications, to society, if there are no NFL games this fall?
Lets think about this for a minute. How many football fans are there on the planet? One hundred million? Sure, there has to be at least that many. Just to be conservative, lets say they only watch one game a piece each Sunday. That leaves football fans with three hundred million hours of idle time to fill every week. I know your thinking if we could focus all that human power we could build a forth pyramid, but what would we do with a forth pyramid? We don't know what the first three were for! Don't say aliens.
Three hundred million hours. Let me put that into perspective for you: If you were to watch George W. Bush debate Paris Hilton on the subject of space exploration...By the time they were finished...It would feel like three hundred million hours. You with me so far?
Three hundred million hours is also the exact amount of time you have to wait at the DMV in Illinois to get a drivers license. Maybe not just Illinois.
So, here are the areas I, in my wisdom, see as potential consequence of football being canceled this year:
Spousal Abuse - Right off the bat, you thought about a husband beating his wife. Nope, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the ladies here, and their reaction to learning that even though there is no football, no, their husbands aren't going to do something. This could turn into spousal murder if they have a shovel in their hand.
Adultry - Picture Bubba-Ray sitting in his trailer, possibly with a beer in his hand, when his wife's sister, Tammy-May drops by. Bubba's got nothing to take his attention off his sister-in-laws new...shoes. This could also result in a child named Tammy-Ray.
Alcoholism -Without having to yell at the television, coach up the coach or pray to God almighty, some of us will have no reason to set our drink down. We could also have no reason to get out of bed on Sunday, which could lead to drinking in bed.
Cross Dressing - You've got extra time on your hands, what the hell, try it on. This is only a problem if you think you look good, as in, "I could get away with this in public". Just so you know, you can't.
Men Shaving Their Bodies- Really? You doubt this? Men + free time + alcohol = Anything. Going to the moon was probably dreamed up by a bunch of drunk scientists just sitting around. Also see: Cross dressing.
Obesity -One hundred million lost souls flipping through the channels. How many will discover the Food Network? "Today, we will be making a Viennese baby suckling piglet, slow roasted, double smoked, stuffed with bacon infused hash browns and slathered with a honey-molasses-tomato BBQ sauce and served with a shortening based triple chocolate caramel brownie topped with a rich double dutch chocolate ice cream and Grandma Bessy's five flavor warm fudge". We're talking FAT!
Kangaroo Fighting - Once popular among choral singers in their free time, this savage sport could make a comeback if a certain ring-leader stays out of jail. Next time you see a kangaroo with a black eye, remember, they rarely fall and bump their head.
Ice Dancing- It is common knowledge that the second most macho thing a guy could do on a Sunday would be ice dancing. Unfortunately, the first is watching football. Well, no more. Dig out your sequin head and wrist bands and strap on the figure skates...It's ice dancing time. Remember, time, age and a beer gut may get in the way here.
Local Gambling Rings- Without football and that large sum of money you contribute to his child's college fund every fall, your bookie might have to get a real job. This is your opportunity to step up and fill the void. You can post odds on whose child will sell the most girl scout cookies, whose wife will run out of gas next or lock their keys in their car and whether that kid with Tourettes syndrome gets away without an ass beating the next time you see him.
Toddler Racing- You know its going to cause trouble, but you're going to do it anyway. You know you're going to have to focus your competitive nature on something. Unfortunately its going to happen when you get together with the fellas and their wives for a neighborhood BBQ. Remember if one of the wives gets in on the action, follow her lead, she's spent more time around the kids than the fathers. Also, remember, fill your kid up with simple carbs right before the race if you are betting on him/her. You start the race by turning you back on them for a second.
Hospitalization - The combination of finally getting around to watching Jackass III and free time is going to take a toll on your safety. Caution: if you don't have really good health insurance, stick to toddler racing.
Revolution- Once our anger turns to rage over the lockout and the Republicans realize the Democrats are responsible and the Democrats realize the Republicans are responsible, the right words at the right time could kick this whole thing off. Can you say "Dictator for life, Michael Bean"? What-do-ya-know, no more NFL labor disputes.
War- Our aggression will have to be focused somewhere. I say Canada. No suicide bombers there. We can finally wipe out the use of the sound "Eh?" at the end of the sentence. We justify it by calling it a war to liberate the Cold Old Steeler Fan. Hang in there my friend.
There you have it, some of the negative effects, as I see them, of having no football season this year. Am I qualified to speculate on this? At least as qualified as Ray-Ray, and his comments made ESPN and the internet.