Ahh it's that time again. Time for me to remind you why our 13 opponents this year are stanky and worthy of hate. I was worried I might not get to write this piece this year. But happily the lockout is over and now we can start to ponder football.
This may be one of the best years EVER for hate. We've had so much rage built up from the lockout. On top of that, we play two SB beotches in the Cards and Seahawks. Plus we get to play cheaters (Jags, Pats), annoying obese people (Cleveland, Indy) And wannabee contenders (STL and KC)
And really, isn't the best part of the game the passion for your team, and the vile hatred for another? I think so. Let's break it down!
Please be advised: If you allow your children to read this you are a bad parent. If you are a child, go ahead and read it, you're gonna learn some bad words when you get to middle school anyway. If you are of the Tony Dungy/Tim Tebow religious crowd you may want to stay away from this article. This is a Mechem Poast, any and all content after the jump is considered to be 100% factual and strongly confirmed by evidence. If you are offended by any of the words below, that's your problem and you should probably stop reading the internets. Have a nice day.
Week 1: @ The Purple Browns:
Well another year, and another opportunity to beat the Purple Browns. This is clearly one of the toughest opening weeks we've had since the Ten'Teeth Titans game a couple years ago. Look for the Ravens to beat their chesticles, cry about a foul, cheap shot one of our players, and lose the game. Flacco will probably give a healthy Troy Polamalu and a wealthy Woodley some digits in the stat column under INT and FF respectively. I feel this game sets the tone for the whole season, moreso than any other opener in recent memory. I hate the Ravens and they stank so much that I just hope I don't pass out from high blood pressure and I can actually watch this game.
Week 2: That team we played that one time in that big game
Who the hell was that again.... They had some guy named Shaun Alexander and Matt Assholebeck or something like that. Oh yeaahhhh the Seacocks. They've been bitching ever since they were beat by the likes of Hines Ward and Ike Taylor. Now that they don't have anything left of that 05 team, while we still carry many starters, we'll likely remind them of why they deserved to lose. They got reallly lucky in last year's playoffs and Marshawn Lynch has a beast mode. But he can't activate it against the best Run D ever. I hate em and they stank. Stop crying, learn to build a team.
Week 3: @ The Peyton Mannings
Somebody told me that the Colts had more than 50 players on their roster. But at the moment I can literally name just one. And thats an aging QB that is very susceptable to a pass rush. With his O-line deteriorating around him, I'm sure Manning will be needing his blankie on this day. Perhaps James Harrison can put another dent into his ugly ass head. I hate Peyton Manning and he stanks. He'll probably win another 12 games this year and go one and done in the playoffs. I hope so actually. I love watching Colts fans get their hopes up.
Week 4: @ Houston Oilers 2.0
Houston is like a person recovering from head trauma. They can't remember anything they did the week before and repeat it. Its like an annoying toddler flipping a light switch on and off turning the room into a veritable night-club. Hopefully we catch them on a bad week. Cant stand these guys, hate em and they stank.
Week 5: Ten'Teeth Titans
Good lord do I hate these jagoffs. I remember watching ''flash and dash' or whatever the hell Lendale and CJ1K called themselves on a press conference once. I had literally never seen two people with a combined IQ below that of a shellfish before, but now I have. LenWhale isn't important anymore, and CJ1K can't do much against our D. Oh and mental case Young is gone. Remember, they dissed the towel. I hate em and they stank.
Week 6: Jacksonville Jagoffs
Here's another team that I used to respect and hate, but now I just hate. They always played us rough through the last decade. But since they got away with that playoff win in 2009 by holding the way for Garrard, I hate em and they stank. May they feel the wrath of 68000 angry Steeler fans who got ripped off one January afternoon.
Week 7: @ Pittsburgh West
I hate the Lardinals and they stank a LOT. They played us in a SB, which means I automatically hate them. On top of that, they take all our players and coaches and try to mimic us in every way. Its kinda sad really. Its like that one kid in school that thought somebody else was cool and then just forsook his own identity trying to be like that other guy. Except he never was that other guy. Ever. Can't wait to give some extra punishment to another SB loser.
Week 8: The Cheaters
If there is one team that I could choose to go 0-16 every year for infinity, it would be the Patriots. If I could punish them for their crimes against humanity (Belicheck's asshole attitude, Brady's hair, Cheating, Randy Moss, OchoCinco, Cheating, Videotapes, Being from Boston) I would probably burn their stadium down using Belicheat's hoodie as tinder and then I'd call upon all the Steeler fans to piss on the ashes after a loooong drinking binge. I hate them and they stank so much it's impossible to express further.
Week 9: Purple Browns 2
BONUS HATE: The league screwed the pooch. The two best games on our schedule are before the bye. Who's the moron who decided this? Why put the best games before they really matter? Keep herping the derpin there Mister Schedule Maker. I hate you and you stank too. And a week 11 bye? For serious? When the games get most important we have to take a break? Lame. No good opponents in the whole last half of the season? Double lame. Seriously go sit on a dildo.
I usually hate the Purple Browns MORE by the end of every season. They typically do something blatantly illegal to win a game (see forced fumble in Bills game) or they cry because they lost it. So after 8 games have been played I guarantee my hate will be stronger than opening day. Can't wait to hate.
Week 10: @ Chili-Shit-Stain Bowl
Lord have mercy on the Bengals. It's even more fun to hate on them because they've fallen so far since they disgraced the holy fabric of the Terrible Towel. They continue to be haunted by the great Myron Cope. You literally cannot pay players to go to Cincinnati. Their town smells like a rabid dog that was up all night eating KFC took a dump into a bucket of three month old chili made from dead bodies. I just hope Troy doesn't get hurt trying to own them again. Take it easy Troy, its the Bengals. Save yourself for some real competition. I hate the bungholes and they stank.
Week 11: Bye Week
I hate the bye week and it stanks. We totally should have 17 football games. Preferably one extra against the Ravens so we can beat them 3 times every year.
Week 12: @ Kansas Shitty
Here's another one of those sexy SB picks this year. OMG Matt Cassel is now above average hooray! OMG Jamaal Charles played really well for half a season OMG. WTFBBQ we have a freakin sack machine who took 4 years to have a breakout season. All I hear is ''blah blah blah I'm a dirty tramp'' Go back to the bottom of the standings where you belong Kansas Shitty. We'll get you back for beating us in 09. I hate em and they stank.
Week 13: Return of the Bungholes
On this week the rotten stench of Cincinnati will be brought onto our sacred ground known as Heinz Field. I expect a harsh reception and further punishment for their sins. Retribution is swift and without mercy. Let there be pain. Whoever their QB is, I hope we can knock one of his knees out again. I still dream about Palmer's knee ligament. If I were Kemo Von Oelhoffen Id have kept it in a jar somewhere on my shelf.
Week 14: Ass-stains
Finally we get to hate Cleveland. Funny short story. My friend and I were watching the NBA playoffs with Lebron. We couldn't agree on HOW to hate Cleveland. I argued Lebron losing was worse for Cleveland because it just hurts their overall record of sports production (which is next to none). My friend argued that if Lebron wins it hurts Cleveland more. Either way we both wanted to see Cleveland cry, which I found beautiful in a very special way. I hate the browns and they stank.
Week 15: @ 69ers
I'm sure the entire team 69's eachother. What else do they have to do? They don't really win games anymore. I don't know who the hell their QB is. If it's still that Alex Smith retard their manager should be pulled behind the shed and shot. Anyway its important to remind them that they only have 5 trophies and not six. Let us explain this with a fülly brutal spanking. I hate this team and it stanks because all they talk about is their last title. Not that I blame them. They'll probably break the time we had between Titles IMO.
Week 16: St. Louis Ramjobs
Here's a young quarterback for us to have fun with. He showed some promise, but his team around him is pretty much awful. So I can't wait to watch them go down when they have to play a real team. STL is bush league. I hate em mildly and they stank a bit, not as much as others. They are just pathetic. Couldn't even beat the Pats with the greatest show on Turf.
Week 17: Rectum Tongueing Mouth Breathing River Burning Suck fest Browns
We get our annual ''mop up game'' This is always one of my favorite games of the year. The final game against Cleveland is like a preseason practice squad test basically. It's so nice not to have to drink because you're nervous you might lose the game. Nope not in this one. If you have one shot per TD we score you'll be passed out by halftime.
Thats it folks. Your full regular season hate guide.
I personally see us going 13-3 or 14-2, and thats not an exaggeration. I feel the team couldn't be much better. The last half of the schedule is weak as can be. If we can make it to week 9 with a 6-2 or 5-3 recõrd I think we'll go undefeated the rest of the way. There could be one spoiler, but Tomlin seemed to learn how to keep us focused last year. Probably by channeling my hate. So I'm expecting another solid year from our Steelers.
Go get em boys.
Special thanks to Jesus, Jack Bauer, Buddha, Bear Grylls, the Jewish God, and Tony Hawk for saving football.