Folks I'd like to take a moment to apologize for last week. I was nowhere NEAR the level hate I should have been. Clearly our lack of hate and focus caused our team to suffer its worst loss in ages. This is the first time since I have been watching the Steelers that I've seen an 0-1 start. Pointing fingers doesn't help, raising your middle ones will. So lets get to it on a Wednesday. Get your rage face on because it's week 2 and we need to step it up! By the end of this write up if you don't want to disembowel your opponents family's with rusty nails there's something wrong with you!
Starting with our Stillers, who collectively shit the bed and didn't even appear to hate the Ravens as they should. We get to hoast the Seacocks this week. I touched on it last week, but dear LORD I hate the Seacocks. First of all they're in Seattle which is the smug asshole of the world. What have you given the world Seattle? Coffee? Congratulations, we've had that for 4000 years without a smug corporate branding. That's it. Seattle is not home to any historical significance, no benefit to the union, and clearly doesn't contribute to football. Hell, to any sport. Seattle is where athletes go to die. They couldn't even keep a basketball team in their city, a team with rich history. Soccer is the second most watched sport. It's a pansy paradise.
And the Seacocks team is just rife with stupidity. Tavaris Jackson, who could be the 6th retard child of the Jackson five that was abandoned behind a dollar store somewhere. Pete Carroll, who didn't think the NFL could be that much harder than a college game where one foot in is a score and spread offenses are cool. Marshawn Lynch is a member of the Klan obviously. Look at his name. Marsh, an Lynch. Most lynchings occur in marshes and other secluded locations. Its code words.
Don't let last year's victory in the playoffs fool you. THEY WERE 7-9!!!! They LOST!!! Brees however is just such a nice guy that he let them win because he knew it'd make the fans feel good. And speaking of the fans, Seattle likes to call them the 12th man. Well if that's the case, the Steelers have about 18 men on the field. I guarantee you that in a death match tournament of fans, SeaCocks fans would be second to last right after 69er fans. I'd wager Detroit fans would win by the way because for their sucktardary of a fanbase to receive a weekly douching courtesy of their terrible team and frequent rainstorms.
It really does look like a va-jay-jay if you look at it right. Got your labia majora in white/pink, menora formed by field/stairs clitoris is this weird light pole thing., no other stadium really does IMO. Accurate.
But nothing is worse than the whining. And the damn referee is the same as the Super Bowl this week. So expect a Steelers win to be called another fix. The SeaCocks just can't accept that they are feeble-minded pretenders that couldn't find their way out of their own assholes if they followed their own shit.
May the Steeler rise from the ashes of week one and perform a full-ectomy on Seattle. I want to see dismembered body parts, broken bones, shattered dreams, heaps of shit piled on their bodies, and impressions in the grass where they were tackled with a vengeance hard enough to cause an earthquake in China. James Harrison's back will heal and he will break the backs of his opponents. Jackson will lose 15 of his remaining 40 IQ points after Woodley turns his brain to mush. I want to see Rush-Hard Spindenhall create tornados on the field as he runs. I want Isaac Redman to summon the Kraken and rip apart every Seacock riding on the bench.
And now on to other games. Whoo hating feels GOOD.
Jokeland Raideds @ Great White Buffalo
I watched the Raideds on Monday Night and they actually played pretty well in some regards. Still, the passing game is horrible because Al Davis only considers lightning fast speed to be useful. Screw a pair of hands, just stick used chewing gum to the receivers and throw the ball at em! As Count Davis continues to summon dark magic and use voodoo to motivate his team, the forces of good will probably prevail. Ryan Fitzpatrick probably could balance the national budget while directing his football team and screwing his presumably hot girlfriend. Jason Campbell on the other hand couldn't prepare a pack of pop tarts without burning himself I bet. I hate the Raiders and they stank, they should just move em to LA.
Pittsburgh West @ Washington Racists
Pittsburgh West is a mess. I'm surprised they havent signed Flozell and Starks yet. Some say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I say it's the sincerest form of bullshit. Another NFC flash in the pan that's like a snickers bar filled with shit. Looks good on the outside, but when you bite in you just want to vomit. The Racists are terrible too, but with the Sex Cannon Rex Grossman they actually stand a chance at winning this one. I think we should send all of the members of Congress to Redskins games. They'll hate it so much they'll actually go back to work and do their jobs. I hate both of these teams and they stank. Ideally a race riot could break out and burn the stadium.
Tampon Bay @ Viqueens
Here's another ugly NFC matchup. I actually have very little to say about Tampon Bay. They gave us Mike Tomlin so that's cool. So did Minny. But I hate the Viqueens and they STANK. Why? They re-unleashed the Brett Favre and his little gunslinger on us. They could have refused his attention whoring ass but decided to ride him all the way to the NFCCG. Which just made that whole season unbearable. The Favre-inator just wouldn't die nomatter how much I prayed, no matter how many witches I consulted, no matter how many times I tried to poison him. HE JUST WON'T DIE OR GO AWAY.
Jacksonville Jagoffs @ Rex Ryan's Turdunken
Ugh the Jagoffs are painful to watch. It's like watching a live execution with a butter knife. Rex Ryan continues to engorge himself on pints of ice cream every 12 minutes. His shits are so big that they use them to simulate muddy field conditions. Which makes sense because all the Jets players reek like a steamy pile. They play in it all day and then talk it all week and then smell like it afterward. The Sanchize should get his damn papers checked and be deported. LaDainian Ridiculous Black name should go back to the shanties from whence he came and disappear and accept that he'll never get a ring. And screw Revis Island. I hope somebody tests a nuke on it. Screw the Fatass Ryan.
Bears @ Taints
If that doesn't sound like a gay porn title I don't know what does. But that pretty much describes this game. People will be gushing their hard ons towards Breesus and Peppers and Urlacher despite the fact they're only riding on their reputation now. And the Sulk-master Cutler will probably need like 12 shots for his Die-a-beetus and a few happy pills just to win this game. God does anybody suck the fun out of a game more than Cutler? Its like a funeral every week. And he usually does the killing, of his own team that is. I expect the Taints to handle the Bears pretty easily. And I hate them both and they stank for beating us in recent years. And the Bears Stank so much because they didn't beat the Packers. IF they had, count a 7th Trophy for the burgh. Way to screw us over Bears.
Cream Bay Crackers @ Sweet Hole Carolina
Carolina had a good week from Fig Newton, but don't expect a repeat against a good Crackers secondary. I hate the Crackers and they stank for their crimes against humanity. Namely having all those titles from the Cretacious period and taking one from the greatest team in real NFL history, the Stillers. Carolina will get their Sweet Hole played with all game and Fig Newton's going to be a treat for White Trash AJ Hawk.
Baltiwhore @ Ten'Teeth Titans
I'm sure we can't count on the god awful Ten'Teeth Titans to win this game. It'd be a real nice treat if they did. The Ravens are just a bunch of classless fight starting ignorant mouth breathing toe-sucking-jaw-flapping-small-pecker-having-bitches that don't know how to win. They maybe win the game but then they just never shut up. Now its suggs saying ''were so great were gonna win'' blah blah blah. There is just no humility here. A surprise road loss would be a real way to serve them the same humble pie we ate last week. Clip their wings Titans, and whoever the hell your QB is.
Kansas Shitty @ Africa
Detroit had a fire burn 70 houses in the city. Why 70 houses? Because they no longer can provide firemen for about 20% of the city. Seriously that's how ghetto Detroit is. The city is literally burning down. Basic services: GONE. Kansas Shitty and their 400lb average fans will have to go to Zimbabwe to play this game. I expect them to lose though. When your training camp consists of dodging Bullets on Jefferson Av. And 8 Mile road, a game against a bunch of posers is actually pretty easy.
Skidmarks @ Team that doesn't have Manning
How I LOVED watching the Colts lose badly last week. They have a dickhead QB who barks at everybody and thinks he's the greatest thing on earth. But he has no heart. He can't win big games and can't motivate a team. He's just a robot that was manufactured by some good genetics. There's no soul inside Manning. I hate the Colts and they stank. It's actually possible that CLEVELAND could win this game. However if aliens decided to blast this game with a laser I wouldn't complain. I'd like to see the Browns win just to watch their hopes get up.
Cowgirls @ 69ers
Ugh here's another Cowgirls game where they will probably lose in the last minute. Romo really sucks. I mean think about it. Some teams have people that sabotage games over the course of 60 minutes. Some blow numerous plays over the game. Romo on the other hand can screw a game in 2 possessions. He's definitely paid by Andy Reid and Vick to lose games on purpose. Nobody screws games harder than Romo, FACT! I hate em and he stanks. Plus he's somehow more elite than Ben whenever he plays well. Better than Ben my ass.
This is another game that I wouldn't watch if you stapled my eyelids open and strapped me to a chair Clockwork Orange style. I'd just hold my breath until I died, much better alternative than observing this shit-fest.
Cincy Bungholes @ Denver Asses
The Bungholes suck, this is well known. The Asses also suck really bad. I watched the Asses lose to the Raiders, and woo boy is Orton terrible. Fumbles the ball in the rain, throws picks with grace, and just blows. On a scale of 1 to 10 on the Quarterback Ineptitude scale, this game ranks a hard 12.
HATE GAME OF THE WEEK:
Whales Vagina @ Cheaters
Now HERE are two teams I could simply light on fire and watch as they immolate. Whales Vagina is your perrennial Preseason SB winner. They're so great. Rivers is better than Ben. They have NOTHING to show for it and play like crap every year. One playoff win in recent memory and thats all they'll ever amount to. Nothing more than a bunch of west coast pansy imposters.
The Cheaters of course with their smug old fart coach who hasn't smiled once in his life and their pretty boy asshole QB need an assbeating. Nobody seems to be able to give it to them. Its telling however that Brady threw for like half a Cleveland Passing Season and still they didn't totally blow out the opponent. Belicheat's ''genius'' defense is falling apart and his running game is dependant on draws. All that we need is one blown knee and their season is over just like the Colts.
In a perfect world, a Hurricane sails over NE and floods the stadium like Moses flooded the Egyptians, and everybody dies a horrific drowning death. I hope these two teams somehow find a way to get disqualified for being so pompous and retarded. Maybe Brady could get hit by lightning and they'd have to cancel the game and he'd die. Perfect.
Houston Mexicans @ Miami Cubans
This game could actually be interesting, but I really think this is the year if there ever was one for the Texans. They don't have arch-nemisis Manning, and the rest of the division is shit. They could clean their division 6-0 this year. And frankly the Dolpheeens aren't much of a challenge. I hate em and they stank cause they still think they're the best team in history because of one really good year. And in that year they knocked out the Burgh. The Texans have had such a short history, and we usually pummel them, that its hard for me to hate em. I hope they take the field with spears shouting ''Fuck you dolpheeeen!"
The Mixed Emotions with Wings Bowl: Pidgeons @ Crows
The Iggles are the dream team, made new with Atlanta's cast off ''Might Kill Vick.'' The hippie liberals in Hollywood couldn't make shit up better than this. The plotlines are deep and interesting. You got all the classic material for a black gangster movie. Gambling, Fights, weed, black dudes, Prison, this game just oozes drama. I can't hate on this game too hard because I actually will probably watch it.
That having been said, I want the pleasure of beating Philly in the SB MYSELF! I don't want these damn black birds to knock them out just yet. Ideally the Dream Team wins this one. Also this is because I hate the Falcons and they stank. They got so raped by the Crackers in the playoffs that our beating last week looked like a close game. The Crackers never even punted. Maybe if one Falcon goes for a certain Rodgers ACL we win the Super Bowl. YOU DROPPED THE BALL A-TOWN!
Shitty primetime matchup of the week: Ramjobs @ MIdgets
Ok now technically this one should be a good game, but really what is there to see? A Giants team that can't put anything together since their fluke wild card run? A young STL team that isn't really good but has a new shiny QB? Two NFC matchups in primetìme chaps my ass. The schedule maker this year sucks so hard. I mean seriously you put the Eagles Falcons in week 2, Baltiwhore and Steelers 1 and 8? The Schedule maker was smoking some `goooood shit this offseason.
But yeah this game won't attract any attention by me unless I OD on uppers and have nothing else to do but twitch in front of ESPN.
BONUS PERSONAL HATE:
This week I have to say we need to ramp it up. With that in mind, here are some players that i hate and stank for week 2.
Tom Brady: Obviously this douche just HAD to throw for half a million yards on week one. That way we give him his 3rd Nobel prize and shitty endorsement deal early. He just can't suck ever can he? He's gotta be some super-human who doesn't consider our feelings. Doesn't he realize nobody will like him in the future because he's such a tool? He's going to die with no real friends, no real wife, no real hair, and nobody there to wipe his shit from his ass once hes out of the NFL.
Everybody on the Ravens D:
Screw you Scrotum Jugglers. I'm so sick of hearing you guys. Woohoo we got the monkey off our back. Yay we're the best in the division. You said that after you made us 3-1. When we're 3-1 again, we'll see exactly who you are. A bunch of cowards that'll be getting an ass beatin on week 8.
Peyton Manning: Finally you get what you deserve. Too bad they couldn't just remove your robot head from it's ugly ass body.
Cedric Benson and Steve Smith: You got away with big weeks last week but I'd like to remind you that you both suck, I hate you and you stank, and get back to the bottom where you obviously belong.
Welker and Peyton Hillis: Seriously, it's not usually my style to hate on my own people in the NFL. But these two receive more media mamadas (spanish for BJ) than anybody else. And it's cause they are white. Have you ever noticed how white players are automatically gritty if they play WR or RB? QBs aren't gritty, OL arent gritty. Only WRs and RBs of lesser pigmentation are gritty for some reason. Well all I have to say is that these two are just that: Grits. Nothing but some shitty grits that get stuck in your teeth and end up costing you a root canal down the line when you find out they really suck. Screw these guys. Go back to sucking.
That's your hate for week 2. I'm feelin fired up, yinz better turn up the heat this week. Drink harder. Hate more. Turn up the volume and let your hate bleed out! Hate hate hate hate hate these mother f'ers and I hope they all go DOWN This week. These teams are nothing more than a cup of lemonade filled with piss. Nothing you really want, and they're all hype. Time to show them the real stuff.