Welcome to your week 3 hate guide. Here we think about one thing, and one thing only: HATE. Obviously amping up the hate improved our performance in week 3, and if we want to continue our domination, we have to continue to HATE.
Last week's results were excellent, despite playing a Seahawks team that probably couldn't qualify for the BCS championship. Clearly the emotion and anger displayed by the Steelers in week 2 was lacking in week 1. Hopefully Tomlin is printing this out and distributing it to all his players so they can get hyped up for the next game. So with that in mind, let's propel our Steelers to another victory, And what a game it shall be.
As always we start with our Steelers, and then progress into each game's hatred factors. You know I hate em all and they stank, time for you to find out why!
If you're offended by disturbing imagery or excessive use of profanity, this poast isn't for you. Remember this is a Mechem Poast and you should activate your sarcasm and tongue-in-cheek filters now in order to fully enjoy this poast. And also if you like this poast, please say thank you to our fearless leader Mr. Bean who tolerates and edits my unchecked outbursts of rage. Thanks again sir!
Our Pittsburgh Steelers @ Indianapolis Obese Horseshoes
I'm having trouble coming up with hate on this one because Peyton Manning isn't in it. I hate Peyton and he stanks so bad. He's like a dropped crack baby who plays in the NFL. He looks retarded, he lacks emotion, but he can throw the ball like a machine. That's all he is though, a machine. The rest of the team depends on him so much that they basically only hire an OC for appearances. Manning probably signs his own damn check. He's a smug asshole who cries and points fingers when he loses. But he lacks a fire and heart that our own Ben Roethlisberger has. That's why we managed to topple these losers when they played us in the 2005 playoffs, despite the Refs obviously fellating Peyton every moment possible.
And this team is always considered a favorite. They always win like 19 games a year, but lose in the playoffs. It's so stupid how the media just loves these tools. Same as San Diego, they just annually grant them a crown but in reality they don't win anything of significance. Big whoop if Peyton has a great regular season winning percentage. He's 500 in the playoffs folks, something our Ben Roth can't say. Ben's a crisp 10-3, a hell of a lot better than FetusHead himself.
But without the douchehole Manning, what's left to hate? I suppose I must turn my attention to the gargantuan fanbase. Not gargantuan in terms of total people, but in overall mass. The Indy Fat Colts Fans are probably the most disgusting fans in the league. Nobody knows shit about football, just loves that Manning guy. Most of them weren't fans before Manning, and don't know what football likes without him. GOD I can't stop talking about Manning.
I mean seriously is this a basketball team? This is the only team where you can't name anybody other than the QB. The QB is the only star. And the NFL rosters have like 55 players, yet somehow only one matters in Indy. The state revolves around his lumpy head.
Bottom line is I hate Manning and he stanks, he's as bad as Brady but in different ways. And he's the ugly ass face of this god forsaken franchise. I just hope they go 2-14 and not 0-16, I couldn't take it if they got Luck and had two decades of amazing QB play.
Jacksonville Jagoffs @ Carolina Kittens
Fig Newton is playing well, but he's destined for an ass whooping. I wish we could teach him how a zone blitz works. Lebeau and Rookie QBs is like me blazed with a large pizza. I eat em up and so does Lebeau. But alas the lowly Jagoffs have to try to handle this guy. I think the Panthers come back down to earth. I really don't like Carolina because it feels like it's not a real team. They could have beaten the Pats and didnt, so I definitely hate them and they stank. But on top of that they get to represent two separate states. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, PICK A SIDE. I don't like that waffley wishy washy style, which is pretty close to their playing style. Unfortunately the Jags are about as useful as a toilet with no seat. This game is one I wouldn't mind seeing devoured by a Kraken off the Carolina coast.
Detroit LIONS @ Minny Mouse Viqueens
Purple Jesus is literally the only thing going for this Viqueens team. And it's appropriate they share a division with the Lions. Peterson is the new Barry Sanders, a great player who will never play in a super bowl or amount to anything other than a great RB. The Lions seem to be the real deal as long as Stafford doesn't stub a toe in the bathroom before the game. Dude is more fragile than an infant. I'd love to see the Lions trounce the Viqueens, who brought us the greatest plague of human history: Brett Favre. They were the enablers, which amounts to an unforgivable sin in my eyes. Screw the Viqueens and let the Lions RAWR.
69ers @ Bungholes
Well heres your ineptitude game of the week. The 69ers who still think Alex Smith can somehow play quarterback go against the Ginger captian of Cincinnati. The Bungholes have a good receiver and a red-headed quarterback. As we know Ginger people are creepy and have no souls. The 69ers don't have much going for them either except for Jerry Rice's records. So probably this game will be some ugly stalemate of field goals. All I can hope for is that the dilapidated paul brown stadium collapses under the weight of its own shit.
Dolpheeens @ Shit stains
The Browns beat the Colts last week. If you ever thought anybody would write that sentence, please pass me your sheet of acid now. The chicken of the sea lost to Houston. This team is about as legit as it's local area's immigration papers. Shitting on their coach midseason, shuffling random shitty QBs like burgers on a grill, and in general just sucking make them worthy of hate. However we hate the ass-spurts, and it's important that their shittyness be revealed by the Dolpheens. This is another ''polish a turd'' game.. It doesn't matter what angle you view it from, it's still a steaming pile of horse manure that's baked under the hot sun for a week. It is what it is, shit.
Cheaters @ Great White Buffalo
Harvard Graduate Ryan Fitzpatrick just cured AIDS while you were on the shitter. But you'd never know it because Brady threw for 10348234 yards in the last two weeks ZOMG. Seriously Brady go to hell and stay there. You're just never happy with your supermodels and yachts and scientifically engineered hair. You just have to dominate headlines like the douche-troll that you are. I'd love to see you stampeded by the Bills, preferably with a side of head injury. Seriously screw Brady and his damn yuppie attitude. Nobody screams douche louder than a guy sighted at soccer games, Ugg commercials, and court summons all in one year.
Midgets @ Beagles
The dream team is 1-1, so not that different from what I expected. Vick is already hurt again, big surprise there. Apparently electrocuting dogs has some bad side effects on your health. That and reaching for the soap in prison. To hell with the Eagles. As long as morbidly obese Andy Reid is coach they'll never hold anything but a box of donuts over their heads. I hope they and their Yankees-esque team rot in a horrible fire.
jackasses @ Ten'teeth titans
The Ten'Teeth Titans did us a favor last week, and for that they get my ''Get out of Hate free card''
The Donko's on the other hand are a bunch of retarded ball munchers. Let's trade our best shot at a a championship to the Bears! Let's ignore our only good players and let them leave. Let's switch D schemes and suck even harder! Seriously their coaching and management is enough to make an inbred Kentucky moron scratch his head in disbelief. It's astounding. But if you suck on the Belicheck teat long enough you're automatically guaranteed a reprieve from your mistakes. "'It's genius in the making!'' the reporters cry. It's actually just Belichecks soy-no-fat latte shit he took turned coach. Then they trade idiot Mcdaniels for Fox who has basically crashed the Panthers to the ground. Brilliant move there. A bunch of morons is all that runs this team. And it just reminds us why athletes like Elway should stay on the field or in the booth, not trying to manage teams when half their brains are mush.
And the Broncos for some reason líke to play good against us, I hope they stay at the bottom. I hate those horse lovers and they stank.
Tejanos @ Taints
The Gulf of Mexico battle is here. This should be a nice shootout of like 64-48. There's hardly any real defense to speak of here, and both of these teams seem to get knocked out early every year. If the Tejanos win, I'd say they're a legit team. If the Taints win it's just the same old Tejanos. I'm curious to see how this plays out with us taking the Illegal Immigrants next week. Ideally they win so they're nice and overconfident coming into our game. So with that in mind, I'd like to see the crack addict AIDS riddled whore island of Nawhrlins suffer a flood of destruction by the Tejanos.
Jetsons @ Gayders
The gayders are actually playing halfway decent, albeit against lesser competition. The Jetsons are lucky to be 2-0 with the way Romo handed them the game on a platter in week 1. The Jets always get lucky in games, and never earn shit. Their head coach is a fatass loud mouth version of Andy Reid and isn't all that great. Players want to play for him because he probably stuffs them full of ham after a victory. I feel bad for the guy who cleans the Jets lavatory. That dude has the worst job in America. Everything Ryan spews out of any of his gaping orifices is pure steaming shit. Whether on the field or on the can, Rex Ryan is a triple chinned meat truck that needs to be roasted over a spit by a tribe of pissed off and hungry cannibals.
Rat Birds @ Ramjobs
The Ravens will definitely respond to last week's classic Fluke-o performance. A beauty of 2 picks and 1 TD, the Flacco we know and love. I'm sure the D will yap and jaw and manage one nice play to win the game. But I doubt they'll blow out the Ramjobs because these purple penis eaters are nothing but imposters. They spent all their magic on our game, and celebrated it like it was the super bowl. Of course for these special ed students, beating the Steelers IS the biggest moment of their lives. It's kinda sad really. We've just beaten their sorry asses so many times that the best they could do is hope to beat us in week one. We gave em a freebie, and now we'll watch them squander it like they always do. The Ravens are just an ugly bitch when you have beer goggles on. She looks good from the start, but the next morning she scares you shitless. Run away ratbirds. I hate your entire team and they stank like dog shit smeared on the bottom of a hobo's shoe.
Kansas Shitty @ San Diego
It just gets worse for Kansas Shitty. They blew their entire load last year, and overpaid people who are now injured. Seriously how lame is it that your RB blows an ACL by hitting the OTHER TEAMS MASCOT?!
But this is truly where KC belongs. I'm so happy to see the team that really shot us out of the playoffs a couple years ago suffering as they should. I really hate the SD team, but I hate anybody who beats us more. So therefore I'd love to see Todd Haley blow a gasket this week and get fired soon. Nothing turns me on more than a shitty team firing its coach. I laugh all the way to the Hall of Fame, where basically all our coaches live.
Southern Rat Birds @ Tampon Bay
Tampon Bay is playing fairly well, and the "'Matty Ice'' (Sounds like a chick beer) team is also quite good. I'd actually like to watch this one. My hate is directed towards Atlanta simply because I hate that entire slavery loving secessionist state and I can't stand it when people say Ben is not as good as their two year non-playoff-game-winning QB. Damn dog killers.
Packers of Green @ Pandas
Another game I'd actually want to watch. Chicago is pretty shitty when Cutler throws the ball, but they can hold their own. Green Bay sadly looks like a team that should win a super bowl, which makes me have night terrors and wake up screaming Black Eyed Peas music into the darkness. But both of these teams piss me off. One beat us in a SB which makes me want to decapitate the entire city of Cream Bay. The other should have won a lot more, but just sucks. They handed Manning his only ring, which he should never have had. So both of these teams should get swallowed by a blizzard that encases all the players in Ice for all eternity.
District of Colombia @ Dalassholes
Seriously, which team is more annoying? The overspending Yankee wannabes, or the ''America's Team that sucks''?
I hate the Cowgirls so much I don't know where to start. The Redskins are a pathetic excuse for an NFL team that should be removed by a constitutional amendment. But the Cowgirls, GOD do I hate em and they stank. It's always about them. It doesn't matter that their QB sucks, or that their players suck, or that their ownership sucks. Obviously Jerry Jones built a giant stadium to compensate for his weak endowment. If you took all the silicon from Jones' face you could build a supercomputer. These asshats plague us weekly with news, but they never do anything other than screwing the pooch and fíng up wherever possible.
This game needs to burn in hell. Both teams are media whores that spread their legs faster than a Vegas hooker. And just like a Vegas Hooker, they get boned when it comes to playoff selection time. May god smite these bastards and leave them charred to a crisp.
Shartinals @ Seecocks.
Sorry I missed this one. You have to understand, when I hate two teams this much, from the NFC at that (A conference I ignore like DVD piracy laws), sometimes I go into a black out. The Hate overwhelms my ability to function. And once it returns to more tolerable levels I can resume writing. It's a curse. Literally my hate can render me immobile. It's hard to control.
With that in mind lets take a look now that I can harness my hate. The Shartinals as usual scalp all our players which makes me hate em. Plus they tried to beat us in a super bowl, so therefore they STANK. The latter part can apply to the Seecocks also. But I hate em because they are a bunch of whining nut jugglers.
So with these two teams, really all I can ask for is a gargantuan earthquake to befall Crusty Vagina Stadium in Shiiatle.