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Pittsburgh Steelers at Indianapolis Colts
I like horses. Horses taste good. Steelers by 14.

Kansas City Chiefs at San Diego Chargers
Who cares? The Chiefs aren’t even a good college team. The Chargers suck and Norv Turner’s the coach, but I repeat myself. Chargers by who gives a damn.

Houston Texans at New Orleans Saints
Texas is hot and stupid. Saints by 4.

Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears
The Super Bowl makes me hate the Packers. Ditka by 47. If two Ditka’s play, Ditka by 104.

Arizona Cardinals at the Seattle Seahawks
The bird bowl. Birds squeak when I eat them. Wisenhunt doesn’t squeak. Cardinals by 12.

New York Jets at Oakland Raiders
In the battle for most obnoxious fans, the Eagles come out of nowhere and win by a landslide. Raiders by 5.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Carolina Panthers
Cat Bowl. Humiliating. I hope the Great Dog in the Sky nukes the stadium. If Cam Newton survives, Panthers by 10.

Miami Dolphins at Cleveland Browns
I don’t even know what a Brown is. I know what a brownie is, but I can’t have chocolate. So I hate the Browns. Mahi mahi by 2.

Atlanta Falcons at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Dumb birds versus ocean terrorists. Warren Sapp’s mouth by 1. Unfortunately, it’s unstoppable.

Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings
More ocean terrorists, but lions make me mad. Donkey Kong Suh is awesome; he crushes the watery terrorist menace. Lions by 20.

Baltimore Ravens at Saint Louis Rams
Lewis and Clark come out of retirement and bash Flacco’s head with a bust of Edgar Allen Poe. Rams by 5.

New England Patriots at Buffalo Bills
Cheaters never prosper. Unless the NFL burns the tapes. Bills by 3.

Denver Broncos at Tennessee Titans
Hasslebeck’s sister-in-law is dumb. Orton needs a friend. Broncos by 5.

San Francisco Forty Niners at Cincinnati Bengals
Too many cats, but they’re largely inept. A cat has never won the Super Bowl. They never learn. Rice-a-Roni by 5.

New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles
I shared a kennel at the Washington Area Rescue League with some of Mike Vick’s dogs. Giants by 456,222.

Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys
Romo’s lung is deflated, and the Redskins will deflate the Jerry Jones’s ego. Redskins surprise and win by 10.