Good morning Stiller Nation! This is what we've endured baseball for, this is the moment of truth, this is week one of the futha mucking NFL season!!!
And with that it is time to crank the hate to the next level. You all saw my season preview, but now we're focused. Channeling that hate into the specific games every week. You must concentrate your hate for it to be effective, and allow me to guide you down the path of rage and anger.
Most importantly of course is our matchup against the Purple Browns. We were given the burden of playing these suckwads on week one. This means we have to be on our A-game early in the year. However I think a win here really sets us up well for the season as a whole. I hate the Ravens and they stank so much it's difficult to express. But the Ravens are just a dirty retarded bunch of assholes who whine and complain week in and out. Harbaugh has to be one of the most offensive coaches in this regard. He complains as often as Cowher did, but Cowher at least did it bad-ass. He'd shove a picture into your pocket if you screwed up a call. But Harbaugh just smirks and sarcastically rolls his eyes like some pompous douchebag. Then every raven on the field will throw her hands up and cry and whine. Then they'll knock one of our players out on a cheap shot (Heath Miller) or try (on James Harrison). No class, no dignity, just a bunch of pretenders.
Oh and I hate new Raven Lee Evans because he's like the High School Virgin of fantasy football. Soon as you think he's going to put out he does nothing, and then he just runs off and gives somebody else the grand prize the next week. Asshole.
I hate the Ravens and they stank. May now wealthy Timmons and Woodley disembowel the entire offense on Sunday.
Now let's consider who we have to hate for the week. It's important to have your hate focused so as to propel the Steelers to the best possible position in the league.
New Orleans @ Green Bay:
Atlanta @ Chicago:
While I hate Jay Cutler and he's a result of the pussification of America, I hate how much knob-slobbering happens for Matt Ryan. It's irritating. He was ranked higher than Ben on a couple QB rankings this year. Come again? Some kid who's never won a playoff game with a very talented team? Some kid who's played two years in the league is better than an 8 year two time super bowl winning QB? Screw that, science bless Chicago and I hope the Bears devour Ryan and expose him for the n00b he is.
Cincinnati @ Cleveland:
This is a tough one. Ideally FEMA would be called in to simply clean up the mess and dump it into space or something. But they take a few days to show up so chances are we have to watch a bowl of shit look at itself in a mirror for 3 hours. I simply hate this entire game and it stanks. A tie would be ideal. 0-0.
Buffalo @ Kansas Shitty
God this is another team I hate. Kansas Shitty is the new Chargers I think. Good team, playing well in the regular season, good RB, and an idiot coach who can't win them the big games. They're the in vogue possible SB player, which is a hilarious joke. I'd love to see Buffalo wipe the floor with these morons and their team. I mean seriously Kansas City isn't even in Kansas. Idiots. I hate em and they stank
Other Pennsylvania team @ St. Louis Ram Jobs
Just start engraving the Lombardi now Tiffany's. Might as well. The Eagles have been declared the offseason champs and are considered a shoe-in with their dream team to make the super bowl. Never mind that their quarterbacks aren't really that good and with one injury they'll collapse like a house of cards. While I'd love for us to beat them in a super bowl, Andy Reid is too morbidly obese to get them there. He's probably in the backyard barbecuing pets for Vick and himself to eat. I hate the Giggles and they stank.
Detroit @ Tampon Bay
Since I lived in Detroit I actually kinda don't hate them except for when they play us. They do stank, in fact so much so that you almost can't hate them. They take sucking to a level unsurpassed by even Cleveland which says a lot. So maybe I'd like to see them beat Tampon Bay.
Ten'Teeth Titans @ Jacksonville Jag Offs.
God this is another game I'd like to be hit by a meteor. Preferably a nice big one. The Titans are doomed this year and The Jag Offs are equally lame. Both are teams I'd desire to be sent to Alaska. Another tie here, lets call it 6-6 cause thats about how many points these two lobotomy patients could muster.
Indy Dolts @ Houston Oilers 2.0
The Dolts won't have Manning. He hurt his neck while trying to 69 Roger Goodell as a thank you to all the love gushing over him by the NFL. Seriously is there any other player besides Brady or Manning that receives the amount of oral pleasure from commentators and league officials alike? I hope its permanent and he ends up a vegetable typing sentences on a keyboard so he can't enjoy any of his bajillion million dollars.
They Might be Giants @ Washington Racists
Washington clearly adheres to it's local politicians view of running a football team/country. Spend a shitton of money and everything will be ok. Obviously it hasn't worked for the Redskins. The Giants are a weird team cause they were really good a couple years ago and just dropped off a lot after their SB win. I can really only hate Eli on that team because he looks like he still has his umbelical cord attached to his mothers uterus.
SeeCocks @ Hippie's
God how I hate San Francisco. It represents everything that's wrong with America. And the 49ers represent everything that is wrong with football. The SeeCocks are equally obnoxious with their minds still replaying their Super Bowl
win loss a few years ago. They've probably declared a city wide holiday in honor of their win loss. They just can't believe they won lost that game which they clearly had in the bag were never close to winning. Hopefully the San Andreas Fault does us a favor on this Sunday and swallows the Stadium whole.
Viqueens @ Whales Vagina
Here's a team I really hate, San Diego. They are just every year going to win the SB. Vegas must LOVE these guys. They get tons of bets every year which of course never materialize. And the Viqueens used to be awesome when they had a cool HC and went on sex boat trips like badasses are want to do. Now their just a bunch of sissy women with a pederast as a head coach. Seriously look at that guy and tell me he doesn't have child porn on his laptop. However I'd rather have a Viqueens victory from the NFC than see Whales Vagina eek out a win they don't deserve.
Carolina @ Pittsburgh West
The Farcinals once again stole one of our promising players in Crezdon Butler. These jagoffs just take anything that says Pittsburgh on it. Coaches, players, staff, ketchup, whatever. Carolina is so pathetic its kinda sad. The Cam Newton era is going to be a joke and I can't wait to watch them suffer. Still, he's probably better than whoever is QBíng the Cards team. This is probably the last game on this list I'd consider watching. You'd have to waterboard me to get me to watch this garbage.
Cowgirls @ Foot Lovers
Here's another perennial contender that'll never be as long as Romo is QB. And the Jets are a decent team in many respects but I think they took a step back this year. While I hope the Cowgirls stadium burns down in flames during a clan rally led by Jerry Jones, it'd be beneficial for us to see a Cowboys win. So I'll reluctantly hate the Jets as much as possible. Of course I hate both teams and they stank, and another Hurricane in NY would be convenient. But we have to focus our hate wisely.
Cheaters @ Miami
Fuck you Dorpheeen! And Fuck You Cheaters! With your super model douchebag QB to your video taping asshole coach to your retarded bandwagon fanbase to your Doug Flutie drop kick extra points and your white wide receiver and your cheap shotting ex-safety and your fatass DL and your constant scalping of draft picks from retard teams that haven't developed a frontal lobe yet. Curse you all to bloody hell and may you be consumed in a zombie apocalypse and be eaten by homeless people in your driveway as your families look on in horror at your pile of human remains as they re-animate themselves and proceed to devour the family.
I hate the Raiders and the Broncos, but definitely the Raiders more. Count Davis's spell of neverending life is running out of mana points and maybe then the team will actually realize its not in the PAC-10 but in the NFL.
Well now I feel charged up and ornery. Time to shred some Ratbirds and be on top of the league at 1-0. Hate Hate Hate!!!