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Your Wild Card Hate Guide

Welcome to the Wild Card Week Hate Guide.


*It’s playoff time for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Here at the Hate Guide, we generate a dynamo of titanic anger that propels our team to victory. As a consequence, some of the content within may be too hot to handle. Please read at your own risk. As this is the Post-Season, I consider it important to start hating early, so get it in gear right here!

First of all, congratulations to the Steelers for their 12-4 regular season record. Another decent year facing adversity as always. I am in no way disappointed with this year so far. Now we have a chance to put some icing on that cake.

But man this wild card round makes me angrier than a drunk in a dry county. First of all, I hate that I’m even hating an opponent this week. Everybody knows the Steelers should have a bye. This year the Ratbirds escaped with our title. Of course they won’t do jack shit with that golden 2 seed they got. But we’ll get to those shitty pigeons later on this January I suspect.

Then the fact that we have to travel to an 8-8 team’s house is just downright ridiculous. I know there’s the whole win your division get a home game thing. And I think that’s great. I think it should just be win the division and you’re in the playoffs. But I just can’t justify us having to travel to a team from a division that apparently nobody wants to win. I mean seriously how retarded are these teams in the AFC Pest? You got SD and KC winning when they’ve already been eliminated, and the only two teams that could get in find ways to lose. Absolutely zero shits are being given in the AFC West and I hate it all and it stanks. It’s like a bunch of children fighting over a remote control with no batteries in it. And the only thing on is Starr Jones.

But, the AFC West has given the NFL its story of the year. And it’s time to write the ending to that story. If Tebow is Genesis, The Steelers are Revelation. I’m ready to slam that bible shut on the Timid Teboners of Shatican City.

Shatican City Colorado is the new seat of the Catholic Church. God has declared this place to be his capital city in his new kingdom, which is definitely gonna be here soon! For real this time! It’s 2012. God HAS to do something one of these days right? Why not when the Mayans ran out of paper for their calendar?

But why Denver god? Why would you pick such a godless city to exhibit your son’s second coming? Denver is a bunch of ski-resort-timeshare-having pompous douchebags that think they’re better than everybody just because they live a fancy mile above sea level. The lack of oxygen is apparent in the fanbase. The only thing special about Denver is that for whatever reason you can kick the ball like 70 yards with regularity, which should be illegal. Doesn’t Goodell see that having a stadium in Denver is cheating? The air should be the same just as the field size should be. What’s to stop somebody like Belicheat from coating their field in some special cheater grass that makes opponents fall down without the proper shoe? Slippery Slope NFL, pick a side. Either all the stadiums have exactly the same altitude, or Denver has to spot the other team 7 points to start the game. Every week you hear about how amazing it is to play in Denver, it’s the greatest home field advantage in sports blah blah blah. Altitude sucks ass, I’ve been up to 11000 feet and let me tell you that it is friggin horrible the first couple days. You take 4 steps uphill and are ready to freakin die. It’s basically like being brown-out drunk all the time when you’re in motion. And you get like triple the hangover after drinking the next day. Altitude blows big hairy elephant balls.

But we did good last time we had to go to Denver for a playoff game. That was back when Jake the Mistake Plummer’s Crack was the QB. This year though, we have a new nemesis behind center.

Pope Tebow I tripled nationwide church attendance by winning a bunch of games in the middle of the year in a way that could only be described as a drowning man being electrocuted. Seriously Tebow’s sporadic haphazard random ass passing and running were just abysmal. And yet they kept winning. And all these Tebow-fisting journalist guys were just foaming at the mouth for his holy balls. Defense or ST would make the real game winning play and you’d hear ‘Tebow’s done it again’ much like shitty old hag Britney Spears who got incredible fame for being a total lip syncing slut. Tebow is a football lip syncing man whore who imbibed his priest’s balls when he was a child.

Reality sank in and Teblows real talent shone through, leading the Broncos to lose a bunch of other games. Hell they couldn’t even be bothered to try winning their division on Sunday. They were apparently content with watching the useless butt-Raiders lose. So folks, when I tell you have nothing to fear, trust me on this one. Tebow, like most virgins the first time they have sex, blew his load way too early. His season ended in week 15 where the magic went out of his ass and onto the floor of ‘Mile High’

You see, there is one big reason Tebow is going to lose this week. It’s not his accuracy which is akin to a blind hobo firing a crossbow into a crowd. It’s not his lack of experience, in the bed or otherwise. It’s not because the rest of his team mostly sucks and will be dominated by a superior force.

It’s his religion. You see, religious people are some of the most sincere, god-fearing, generous, kind, loving, correct people in the world. And they believe in Love. They think God is love and Tebow is god’s love spooge raining down from heaven.

But they’ve forgotten the truth. That Hate owns Love. Hate is always stronger than Love. Hate is the answer. Tebow refuses to embrace the hate, so I say let the Hate embrace him. Let the hate from the bowels of a fiery hell surface from the depths of this earth to engulf Tim Tebow in flames of hatred and violence. James Harrison is ready to carry out the Hate’s will and stab Tebow in his child-molested asscheeks with a fist full of hate. Polamalu is going to become a furious tornado, sacking the infant Jesus-QB before he even knows what play he’s running. Wallace will become a fireball blazing down the field and leaving a burn mark on the shit heap that is Mile High. I can’t wait to see Tebow drowned in a burning can full of crude oil this week. By the time this game is over Tebow will be praying for god to just take his life and bring him up to heaven. We’ll happily oblige. Anything to get him off my planet. We can help him kneel down and ask for forgiveness every time that Timmons and Woodley bring him to the turf. He’s gonna wish he had just gone and done missionary work in Somalia.

My favorite matchup in this game will be our own religious Arch-Angel Troy Polamalu. Troy crosses himself every play. Tebow kneels down and praises the sky people every time he scores. It’s obvious who the sincere one is here. If Tebow really loved the lord, why wouldn’t he be thankful for every play? Why wouldn’t he kneel down after taking a sack, thanking god for not being murdered on the play? Why not after every INT, because God is teaching Tebow what NOT to do? Because he’s an insincere little shit that just wants everybody to love him and pay attention to him. Polamalu means it, I’ve seen him do his cross thing after great plays and bad ones. He’s the real deal.

So I’m pretty sure god will be on our side this week. Hopefully we can get some Fire and Brimstone out on the field. Over under on number of religious displays in this game? Tebowing or Orthodox Crossing who you got!?

The Hate Hospital is doing its best to restore the health of all of our injured players. But at this point, without secret military DARPA robotic limbs shit we won’t be able to field a full 53. And remember, Ryan Clark can’t go because he has black people’s blood and its allergic to Mountains. At least that’s what yahoo answers said. We need to bust out those Hyperbaric Chambers like it’s a Michael Jackson sleepover. Get well soon boys!

We have a lot of unfinished business to take care of. We have a ton of grudge-match potential in the AFC playoffs this year. Lets start by crucifying Denver.

Lose-ton Texican’ts vs. Goddamn Filthy Stankin Jungle Prison Bitches

My rage towards the Teboners is only marginally greater than my current hate for the Bungholes. As usual the Bungholes can’t do anything right. You KNOW that the only player worth shit on the Raven’s offense is friggin Ray Rice. Ray Rice sounds like some shitty Chinese food covered in fried cockroaches and made with cat meat. YOU GODDAMN KNOW He’s gonna get the ball. He bitches when he doesn’t, as he’s been well trained by his bitch-master coach Harbaugh. The Ravens lead the league in luck and bitching. Their BPD (Bitching Per Drive) is up to 4.7, and they’ll still bitch even when they get away with one of the worst no call pass interferences I’ve ever seen. And yet, despite knowing full well who will get the ball, and that Flacco sucks, and that the Ravens D is a sham now, THEY DON’T STOP HIM. TWO, 2, DOS, 1+1 big ass runs and the Bengals are reduced to the same heaping pile of bullshit they are every year.

And to top it off, everybody ELSE sucks harder so they still go to the playoffs. What the hell is wrong with the AFC this year?

Fortunately, this sets us up for another opportunity to 3-sweep an opponent. I love doing that. It just feels so damn good when we can pummel an opponent 3 separate times. Crushing their hopes and dreams on more than 2 occasions is a real treat. So, I hope they extract their skulls from their rectums and win this one.

It shouldn’t be hard. The opposing QB T.J. Yates, who sounds more like a goldpanning redneck from the 1800s than an NFL QB, won’t be of much use. Loseton may have made the playoffs for the first time in their shitty expansion history, but it won’t matter. They’ll be one and done like the Pats have been in the last few years. Serves them assholes right for beating us earlier this year. What a bunch of bullshit that was.

This game has direct implications on our next opponent in the playoffs. I would rather save Baltimore for the championship game, but I really want the opportunity to crush the Bengals too. So many teams I want to tear apart with my hate, but alas we only control so much. We either get Baltimore or New England next week, I’ll gladly make either one my bitch again this year.

Shifting over to the Not-Football Conference championship game between the Saints and Pack… Oh shit I’m getting ahead of myself. There’s actually 4 other teams vying for a chance to lose to the Saints and Packers. It’s the greatest grand prize in the world. You win a game, and you get raped by two of the best offenses in football. The Packers put up 45 friggin points using their backups today. 45 points. Granted it comes against Detroit which means it’s like only 24 real points, but still Jesus H Jones. A recovering Lindsay Lohan could throw 3 TDs in that offense.

But alas, we get to watch the bottom feeders duke it out over in the NFC. If you’re interested in such garbage, I’ll give you some hate to fuel your football afternoons. Oh, and I know the 49ers won that 2 seed, but I still refuse to believe they’re actually worth something as a football team. Deny Deny Deny!

First of all, big ups to the Lions for keeping up with the pack and making the playoffs. The last time the Lions made the playoffs, Bill Clinton was getting his dick sucked (like the president should) and people were worried about Y2K. That’s how long ago that was. I fear some people on this site probably don’t even remember that shit, damn I feel old already and Im only 22. Seriously what’s up with kids these days? I don’t get it. The Pussyfication of America is taking its toll on our YOUTH. The next generation is gonna be a bunch of skinny jean wearing disinterested uneducated retard twitter addicts that will bring down the very fabric of society as we know it with their inability to pay attention for more than 5 seconds to anything anybody says.

But I’m getting off topic, damn kids. The Lions have to travel to the SuperDeeDuper Dome to take on the Cajun Creole toothless voodoo doll using crawdad eating Louisiana Taints.

Breesus passed for exactly 12,284,779 yards this season and broke a bunch of old important records. The Lions just got shredded like a blonde girl in a horror movie by the Packers BACKUPS. That’s rather embarrassing if you have any pride in your defense. But then again, it was the Packers. The Saints and Lions went at it earlier this year and this could actually turn out to be a decent game. Watching Megatron play is like finding money in a coat pocket from last winter, it’s awesome. So, if you love offense and don’t give a shit about Defense like the rest of the NFC this is the game for you.

The Lions have sucked for so long it’s almost impossible to believe. I watched most of the game until ours started, this one ran really long with like 15 scoring plays. Seriously 84 total points, and there was even a safety tossed in there and a 2 point conversion. This game was like a giant Golden Corral spread of buffet points. And of course you know all the fatass snow-mongers in Detroit and Green Bay were ecstatic. I’d be ashamed, but what do you expect from the Lions who haven’t been relevant since dinosaurs roamed the earth.

I’m kinda expecting this game to end up just like week 17’s game of Lions @ Packers. That’s why I’m talking about its absurdity so much. I just can’t get over the type of shit you see from these teams. Goodell is getting what he wants that red haired communist hack. Goodell is one of the leaders in the Pussyfication of America, part of the Triple Entente with Tom Brady and California. Now everybody can score a million points. Next year he’ll probably rule out the PAT and make bump and run coverage illegal and eliminate OPI and tie all the defensemen together with a rope. I wanna hang him in a public square on live national television on his birthday. This sad sick man has no clue that he’s ruining football. And that’s the worst part. Like most other maniacal dictator types like Hitler and Castro, they have a noble dream in their head but they don’t realize all their steps to reach it are ruining the lives of millions of people and KILLING them. In this case, I’m being killed on the inside.

My beloved game is being chewed up and digested and shit out by Roger Goodell. If George Washington could see this, he’d be ashamed of the way America and Football are today.

That’s kinda why I just hate NFC football. You see these crazy monster blowouts and shootouts and it feels like a college game to me. It’s basically Goodell’s efforts hard at work. And sadly it’s starting to creep into the AFC too, when you look at the Pats lately and Colts too. When they won Super Bowls, they had good defense. Defense wins championships. Or at least it used to. I guarantee we will never see the dominance of the 1976 Steelers, the 85 Bears, or the 2000 Ravens again in our lifetimes.

So enjoy watching a million points scored this week in this game, hopefully the Lions win it.

One more game is on the schedule this week. That’s the Craplanta Crows @ New York Giants

Screw it, I’m now a Giants fan for these playoffs. They’ve earned their Get Out of Hate Free card. The Giants have proven VERY useful at knocking out teams that I hate. Teams that stank. In back to back weeks, they gave the Jets and the Cowboys. And god do I hate Rex fatass Ryan and I hope he loses his job and goes back to working the fryer at Wendy’s where he can put his fat sausage lips around the nozzle of the Frosty machine and guzzle that shit until he dies of a coronary. The Cowboys as usual are the most overrated media slobbed shit team in the nation. They are about as smart as those testes tasting marketing Gurus at Geico. God if I have to watch another fuckin Caveman commercial.

See this is the thing now. America is undoing everything that I grew up knowing. The Pussyfication has spread into simple knowledge. Cavemen were stupid. That’s what I was told by the TV when I was a kid. They’d be dumb characters. Now they’re speaking fluently with big words and having clearly expressed emotions? What in the hell Geico? First a damn talking lizard now a talking caveman. Get a grip and make a real commercial. Whoever signed off on that shit should be covered in KFC breading, deep fried, and tossed into a shark pool.

So yeah concerning the game, the Giants have been doing some mighty fine work. And this week they play Craplanta. I honestly don’t give much of a shit bout these rotten peaches. I have no idea who should win this game, to me it’s just unpredictable given the nature of the NFC. You have the already way overhyped QB with a gay nickname that sounds like some kinda fruity chick Smirnoff drink. If I saw a man drinking that I’d smash him over the face with it and shove it up his mangina. But he’s not that great.

On the other side you got tit sucking Eli. I swear he looks developmentally challenged. Like one of those people that only aged to a certain point mentally, like that fake British girl from Arrested Development. But the physical part aged, unlike Andy Milonakis. It’s crazy folks. But Eli looks sincerely like a 12 year old and I bet Sandusky wants him. But I guess one of his balls dropped this year cause he’s playing alright. And I wouldn’t mind him taking out the Packers for us along the way. So go Giant Eagle! Fe Fi Fo Fum.

Thanks to all you readers for the season so far, I’m doing it for you guys and it’s been a bumpy, but interesting ride. Let’s march on through the murky fog that is our postseason.

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