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Tico's Greatest Hits

I haven’t picked games recently because I’ve been recovering from getting Tebow-ed. Oh, lord did that suck. I didn’t wear my Steelers collar for a week! I tried everything to feel better – I ate three cats and berated two police horses – my person even made squirrel stew, but nothing helped. It’s time to move on….by realigning the NFL. I don’t understand the current divisions, they’re stupid and make me hate Roger Goodell. Here we go.

NON-PEOPLE CONFERENCE
Fluffy Things that Squeak when I eat them Division Bengals, Panthers, Jaguars, Lions No cat has ever won a Super Bowl. Their flavor marinates in their misery

Tasty Birds Division Eagles, Falcons, Seahawks, Cardinals, Ravens Only one bird has won a Super Bowl. Good luck with that, bird brains.

Get the Gravy Division Rams, Bills, Dolphins Lamb, bison and mahi mahi, initiate salivation.

Animals that make me mad when I smell them Division Broncos, Colts, Bears So far, my leash restrains my enthusiasm, but one day I’m going to eat Mr. Ed and every horse he ever cared about.

Acts of Dog Division Giants, Saints, Titans, Chargers I’m dyslexic, so I believe in Dog, not God. Dog is good, Dog is great. There is no God but Dog.

PEOPLE CONFERFENCE
Blue Collar Division Steelers, Packers, Forty-Niners, Patriots 18 Super Bowl titles. If you want to win, name your team after people who bring their lunch buckets…and a can of whup ass.

Man, I Hate Texas Division Texans, Cowboys Texas is stupid and full of hot air, and that’s just Jerry Jones.

Teams named after People Division Cleveland Browns The Jets The Chiefs The Jets were named after a bad 80s band or thugs from West Side Story. Who can say? The Chiefs were named after Steelers founder Art Rooney. The Rooney family thanks Kansas City for the recognition.

Floating Terrorists Division Vikings, Raiders, Buccaneers I don’t like pirates, but on the other hand, they’ve done a lot for facial hair and rum.

Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous People’s Team Division Redskins From where the sun now stands, they will win no more forever.