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Coaches Meeting 14

Tomlin: “Well, we’re in the tournament. This is what we were working toward all year. And playing against someone like Tebow poses a new type of challenge. (pauses) Anybody know where BA is?”

(Bruce Arians walks into the room accompanied by Team Chaplain Kevin Jordan.)

Arians: “Look who I brought, guys! We’re going to get our Jesus on!”

Lebeau: (sighs and lowers his head) “We’re all going to hell.”

Arians: (Gestures toward the Chaplain) “Should we all bow? Or clap, right? God Dammit, Everest, stand up and clap!” (Special Teams Coordinator Al Everest reluctantly stands and claps.)

Chaplain: “Certainly not necessary gentlemen. Please remain seated.”

Arians: “Your Excellency is here today to get the REAL Jesus on our side this weekend!”

Chaplain: “I can certainly help you all to make sure your hearts and minds are in the right place as you travel to Denver. Whether you win or lose, though, is really out of my hands.”

Arians: “I get it. It’s a donation you’re looking for! I know how you guys work. Pass the hat around fellas.” (Takes off his cap and passes it to Lebeau).

Chaplain: “No, no, please, no donations.” (Pockets the cash from the cap.) “Tell me, Coach Tomlin, what is it I can do for you gentlemen?”

Tomlin: “Father, I’m afraid BA here is kind of a jackass. We’re really here just to discuss some football strategy for this weekend. You’re welcome to stay and listen in, though.”

Arians: “Wait a minute, Mikey! Tebow has Jesus on his side! We need to FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE! Am I right? Let’s all get baptized! Right now!”

Tomlin: “I am baptized. Pretty sure you are too.”

Arians: “So you thinking we take the opposite approach, huh? The satanic route? I thought about that. I’m ready to do what it takes! (holds knife to his wrist) “I’LL CUT MYSELF RIGHT NOW! WHO’S IN?”

Tomlin: “Cut it out, BA. No bloodshed.”

Lebeau: (whispers to Tomlin) “Let me slice him.”

Chaplain: “I know these can be stressful times in your profession. Following the Lord’s direction can be a great stress reliever. I’ll be glad to help in any way I can. Maybe you gentlemen have questions?”

Arians: “I have a question. ‘Keep Holy the Lord’s Day’…that means Tebow can’t play on Sunday. If he does, he’s committing a sin, right?

Chaplain: “No, no, not really. As long as he goes to mass this weekend and keeps the Lord in his prayers, he will not be sinning.”

Arians: “Jesus Christ. When did the church get so lax with their rules? What about the Lombardi— that’s a false idol, right? Tebow can’t pursue it— that’s a sin!”

Chaplain: “No, not necessarily. As long as Mr. Tebow keeps God in his thoughts and prayers, then winning the Lombardi trophy is no more a sin than winning a bingo game.”

Arians: (pointing at the door) “Get the fuck out.”

Lebeau: “Jesus, BA. You’re the one who invited him.”

Arians: “This guy’s god is a Tebow-loving pansy.”

Chaplain: “I assure you, our God loves you just as much as he loves Mr. Tebow.”

(Art Rooney II walks into the room.)

Rooney: (sees the Chaplain) “What’s going on here? Is this an intervention? I swear to God I can stop sniffing Drano anytime I want!”

Tomlin: “BA invited the Chaplain to our meeting today since we’re facing Tebow this Sunday.”

Rooney: “That’s a fantastic idea.” (turns to the Chaplain) “Can you off Tebow for us?”

Chaplain: “Are you serious? I’m a man of the church.”

Rooney: (whispering) “Nobody would suspect you. We won’t tell a soul.”

Lebeau: “Really, guys? This is Tebow we’re talking about. Have you seen him throw? The ball looks like a boomerang coming out of his hand. Is anybody in here seriously worried about losing to this guy?”

Arians: “If he has God on his side, though, there’s nothing we can do about it. Right, Your Honor?

Chaplain: “Well, yes, if it is God’s will, than I am afraid there is nothing that you can do about it.”

Rooney: (pointing to the Chaplain) “I’m starting to think we should off THIS GUY!”

Arians: (pointing his knife at the Chaplain) “WHATEVER IT TAKES! JUST GIVE ME THE WORD!”

Tomlin: “Well, I don’t want to see how this plays out.” (stands up and leaves the room.)

Chaplain: “Maybe it’s best if I leave too.” (runs out of the room.)

Rooney: (to Arians) “Wow, you were really ready to kill him! I’m impressed. My adrenaline is really pumping here. Let’s go find something else to kill. A sacrifice!”

Arians: “I saw a woodchuck out back this morning.”

Rooney: “Meh. Something bigger…like a horse! How cool would it be if we killed a real Bronco?”

Arians: (brandishing his knife) “Whatever it takes!”

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