FanPost

Your Week 6 Hate Guide: A classic league-wide Edition



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Your Week 6 Hate Guide:

It's been a while since I've hated the whole league for you. Today I shall. With the fortuitous circumstance of not having to work this week due to awesome Peruvian holidays I can make our dreams come true. (This holiday is for a battle they lost, they've never really won one. They're like the Browns).

Once again the schedule maker throws us a curveball. We had to sit on a loss like a chicken incubating an egg for two weeks, and now we only get a few days to revel in the glory of a win. The plus side of this is that we get to pummel another opponent in a short time span. This short gap between games requires an immediate injection of HATE. And that’s what we’re here for. We need some fire in our loins in order to not fall victim to the deadly TARP game on the road. I will make sure that your hate tank needles are pointing with a full hard-on at FULL.

Beer? Check. Bong? Check. Loud classic Thrice pumping? Check. Lets go tear the Ten’Teeth Titans, and the rest of the league, a collective new one.

As you know, the Hate guide contains foul language, insulting comments, offensive thoughts, and is decidedly anti-vegetarian. Enter at your own risk.

No BS diatribes this week. Just pure raw football hate. This week the Stillers take on the Ten’Teeth Titans from Tennessee. Tennessee is the name given to this place by the native Americans. When the first white people settled in their holy lands, the locals uttered the words ‘Ten I see’. They were referring to the number of cousins that the new white man was porking in his tent. Confused and scared, the natives voluntarily evacuated to the west to avoid being spat on with chewing tobacco and hunted by rednecks. And so the white trash state was born. People here are so poor that they put food stamps on the letters they scribble illegibly to their third step sister down the trailer park cul-de-sac.

Their football team is a pretty accurate representation of the fail that is Tennessee. Of course it all traces back to a fatal mistake committed years ago. Once upon a time, a bunch of ignorant deer-humpin no-tooth-havin mouth-breathin Titans stomped upon a holy piece of cloth: The Terrible Towel. The Terrible Towel, blessed by Pope Polamalu I, is a sacred item which carries with it the collective tard-rage of the thousands of autistic persons that have been helped by its blessedness. I don’t need to tell you that tard-strength is the strongest kind of strength there is. Capable of lifting Buicks for lollypops, throwing tube TVs out of windows for not airing PBS, and breaking doors by slamming them through the frame. Don’t mess with tard-strength.

The Titans went and messed with it, and haven’t been the same since. Inflicted with the very tardation they insulted, their team has devolved into a smelly stanky piece of horse doo doo that has been baking in the hot Tennessee sun. In 2007 they went 10-6, and then in 2008 a potent 13-3. This was when they committed the grandest foul against the Towel. Since then they’ve floated around .500. This year, Myron Cope’s Revenge is felt in full force.

The flaming thumbtacks are 1-4, and like a sick dog need to be put down behind the woodshed. CJ2K oughta change his name to CJ2H, for the measly two hundred yards his overrated flashy glory boy ass has put up this year. Maybe instead of worryin about your next piece of bling or the new rims you’re going to put on your Cadillac, you should try playing football. Over under on years until he’s bankrupt: 3. If the ball isn’t in the hands of Cop Speed, it’s in the decrepit hands of Fat HasselFuck. Since Jake ‘The Hurt’ Locker is out cause of a bomb exploding in his face, the old hermit from Seattle gets the call.

Tasseljunk was our butt slave last year when we ran them out of town for a 38-17 ass whoopin. We have the good fortune to remind him of why retirement is oftentimes the best course. Ever since SBXL we’ve had this bitch’s number and on Thursday we’ll call to COLLECT on his ass. Slow as molasses with a wet noodle for an arm, I expect Frazzlesuck to have a nightmare of a day. Harrison is back, and he loves removing limbs from QB’s torsos. With him on the field, the stains of shit in Assholedick’s trousers will be more than visible.

And really there should be nothing but Black and Gold beatdown on Thursday. The Titans have no playmakers, hell they probably don’t even have a coffeemaker. Kenny Britt might be named after a popular coffee distributor, but by the end of the day we’ll kill Kenny when he goes over the middle, fines or not, you bastards. He says he ‘thinks he’s near the best’. He couldn’t even hold the 3rd WR spot in our offense, what a lousy piece of trash. I hope Ryan Clark lets him know why he isn’t anywhere near the top. We’ll make him our bitch and Ike Taylor is going to cast a nice long shadow on his ego this week. If he even plays, the Titans listed 8 people as Questionable this week. A more honest answer simply would have been doubtful, as in doubtful they’ll win another game this year.

Folks, you needn’t worry this week. The Titans are 27th on offense, and 32nd on defense. You can’t really get much worse than this team. They’re about as likely to win as an underweight 9 year old on ‘The Biggest Loser’. If you thought our defense was bad, this is the cure game for you. The Titans loss last week was their best one this year, they only allowed 30 points! They’re -93 in point differential. Minus 98!!! Can I even put that in other terms? I'll try: For every TD they score, somebody else scores 17 points.

This team should simply be burnt to the ground this week. I call upon the fellow haters to go out there, fill their fat food stands with gasoline, douse the bathrooms in it, let it cascade down the stairs of the stadium. Once the Stillers start the fireworks with Wallace and Brown, the place will go up in flames and engulf the Ten’Teeth Titans in a wall of burnination that leaves them disfigured and unable to form words. Then we won’t have to listen to their arrogant chest beating over nothing. We’ll put this team in the ground where they belong like the dirty dead dogs they are. I hate em and they stank and I hope they die a thousand deaths from Dysentery like I did when I went through there on the Oregon Trail. Go to Hell Tennessee, take your shitty country music and your obesity and low literacy with you. Damn you all forever!

Now that that is over, let’s get into hating the rest of them. I’ve spared no one this week. All fall victim to some hatin this week.

Taint Hubris @ Cuba

The Ramjobs haven’t been terrible this year. Even though they make shittier ribs than those in the aforementioned and hated Tennessee, I hope they win. I can’t stand how Cuba is taking over South Florida and nobody has addressed this problem. It’s all a part of Castro’s master plan to take bomb America with the aid of the Russians. I don’t trust the Cubans and they stank! Cold war is over my ass. They keep sneakin over on their makeshift rafts and then they start playing football. That’s how they infiltrate the system people. When are you guys gonna catch on? We need the former future LA Rams to send the Doll-fiends back to Guantanamo. I hate em and they stank!

Pokeland @ Honey Boo Boo

Folks, Georgia is a fucked up place. I knew this before, but now I have seen it with my own two eyeballs. I watched the pilot of Honey Boo Boo. I don’t know what else to say. After watching that, I feel like I can do whatever I want now on this hate guide. Hell I could advocate killing valedictorians, or eating kittens, or punching babies in the face. All those things would be better than what is going on over at TLC. The Learning Channel? Are you kidding me? Learning how to what? Make a complete ass out of yourself? Sell your soul to the devil? Removing any semblance of shame from your life?

I bring this up because the Falcons of Georgia hoast the Ho’land Rapers. Don’t let the 5-0 start fool you. The Falcons do this all the time, and then they choke hard like a first time deep throater once they get into the playoffs. Don’t be concerned. Just hate this team and the state where they come from and the absolute trash that they put out. Any state that plays home to Honey Boo Boo should probably be sterilized. Let’s just pray no Falcons fans mate with any Oakland fans, lest the two worst breeds of humanity transfer DNA and form the antichrist.

Cheer for the meteor in this one folks. Our national average IQ would literally double.

Shitsinatti @ Shitland THE DOOKIE BOWL

Ah nothing like a good ole dookie bowl. That’s when both teams in Ohio play eachother. Ohio’s soil is composed of over 95% shit, a rich and fertile mix of human and horse manure. This is why the only thing that grows in Ohio is corn, and the people are dumber than the livestock on their fields. Having never seen sunlight before, they are deprived of critical Vitamin D and become increasingly stupid with every passing year. By now they have been desensitized so much that you could show them a 0-74 loss and they would just shrug their shoulders. They literally have no idea what the word ‘good’ means anymore. They wouldn’t know what to do with it if they found it. Probably start another race riot or light their river on fire. Seriously could any state exemplify stupidity greater than Ohio? A 2-2 tie would be the ideal finish to this yawner.

Quick note: I just had to edit that paragraph because for every space in which I typed Ohio I accidentally put Cleveland. It’s pretty sad that I consider Cleveland to be Ohio, what does that say for them retards down in Cincinnati?

Unlucky Horseshoes @ J.ust E.lect T.ebow S.anchez 2012

The Jets showed just a sliver of eptitude (why isn’t that a word? If you can be inept you can be ept, F U dictionary). Against the Texans they looked semi-competent. Of course, listening to Gruden and Tirico fellate Tebow at every turn was painful. The very last play was the worst offense. Needing the Cal Stanford band bullshit play that never works to win the game, Gruden actually said ‘They need a miracle, and if you need a miracle you should have Tebow in.’ After I cleaned up my vomit, I looked up to see that the Jets indeed lost. At least they managed to give equal amounts of head to JJ Watt, who actually deserved it for being a white guy that can jump. As for the Horseshoes, they beat the Packers which always puts a smile on my taint. While technically it’s good for us if the Jets win, I would love for nothing more than a complete gutting of the team starting with their obese head coach being fired and gorging himself at the local $5 chinese buffet. Screw the Jets, I hate em and they Stank. I hate Bart Scott’s big mouth. I hate Revis Island and I love that he’s injured. I hate Cromartie’s countless bastard children. And I HATE their Quarterbacks. They're more like Eighth-backs. They’re terrible. I hope they all crash on the team Jet, that would be ironic and awesome.

Pussies @ Pigeons

The Pigeons take on the Pussies in Philly this weekend. I hope the Lions win, cause I have a soft spot in my heart for them. Plus the Iggles are super hateable and stanky. I love Andy Reid continually calling for Michael Vick runs despite his extreme case of fumbilitis. Judging by how often Michael Vick fumbles the ball, I have to assume he had a rough time with the soap in prison. What do I always say about morbidly obese head coaches? And both Ryan and Reid lost, proof GIVEN.

Kansas Shitty Indians @ Tampon Bay

The Arrowhead Spring goes after the Suckaneers in yet another 1 PM game. There’s something accurate about adopting the term the sand people are using in the Middle East and Africa. Kansas City is equally destitute and ugly as most of these countries. The management continues shitting upon the masses by providing them with Matt Cassel. Cassel is pretty much the Gadhafi of the Arrowhead Spring. He had to get bombed to get taken out of the game, and now the rebels get their wish with Brady Quinn. Anybody asking for Brady Quinn to take over is a moron. Once the scientific results come out showing the hazardous effects of barbecue sauce on the Brain-Blood Barrier, all will be understood. In the meantime, cheer for the Buckos just as punishment to the Indians. They failed to beat Baltimore last week, and that makes me hate you extra hard. FLACCO ONLY SCORED 9 POINTS YOU RETARDS!!! YOU CANT SCORE 9 FRIGGIN POINTS!!! GAAAAHH. I hate the Chiefs and they stank.

Speaking of Baltimore, that brings us to our Hate Game of the Week!!!

The Dal-assholes go to Faultimore for yet another hated and stanky matchup. Much like the Patriots Ravens matchup that preceded a few weeks ago, we’re presented with a lovely hate filled matchup. It’s no secret that I think both of these teams should be locked up in open cells in Siberia and sprayed with hoses until they freeze to death. I only pray for the 10 plagues of Egypt to be cast upon the Raven’s stadium on Sunday. It’s the battle of ‘not elite QBs who think and demand everybody else think they’re elite’. Flacco is the leader of this group, and led it masterfully last week to the tune of 48% completion with 187 yard and a goose egg at TD, plus one Flaccoception. Very elite play there. Clearly the best player in the division.

And don’t even get me started on the penalty bullshit. Once again these bitches cry and piss and moan after every call. Harbaugh will literally get fired up about a delay of game, somehow refusing to accept the blame. These assholes are so delirious you could give them a gun and have them shoot themselves in the face and they’d still call the cops and blame someone else. Ray Lewis wouldn’t call the cops, cause you know. But of course these jagoffs benefit from more calls than they are hurt by, but never acknowledge this. Last week was another classic example. What should have been called a fumble on the field, pushed back into the EZ for a touchback giving the Chiefs an extra chance was called a 4th down sack. The Ravens dodge a potential game winning drive, and act like they won the game with good defense. Bull shit.

The Cowgirls are hated for just being who they are. I don’t need to elabohate on these assholes, we’ll have time for that later on in the year. For now all I can say is that I hope a freak lightning storm rolls in and fries every single player on the field with bolts of divine justice. Screw all yall, I hate ya and ya stank!

One Dollar Bills @ Desert

The Endangered Buffalo takes on Pittsburgh West, and frankly I don’t care. Buffalo is horrible, and can’t play defense to save their lives. And whoever is the QB in Arizona today will probably be good enough to beat the Bills. I could probably suit up and get a few completions to Larry Fitzgerald.

Boston Tea Baggers @ Sheattle.

The Cheaters get to play the Seecocks in the afternoon for what might be an interesting game. I hope March-On Lynch goes Beast Mode and destroys some Patriots. I watched Brady get sacked a few times last week and it made me a happy clam. I love the wheels falling off the Patriots machine, and can only hope they continue having difficulties. Now that the Seecocks have finally gotten retribution for the SBXL officiating with their debacle against the Packers, they might be able to stop whining for half an hour and play some GD football for a change.

Another perfectly watchable game is the 69ers and Midgets. The Midgets were actually losing to Cleveland at one point. I say for every quarter that you finish losing to Cleveland each player should be kicked in the balls by an NFL kicker with a full running head start. If you enjoy NFC garbage this is the game for you. I like me some manning face, with the 69ers bear-like butt pass rush they’ll probably make Eli their bottom for the day.

Minnesota plays the Nationals, er wait the Red foreskins. Hope you’re sitting down, but RG3 hasn’t made the Redskins unstoppable. They’re 2-3. Unusually something has happened up in Minnesota that has made their team 4-1. My theory is that the heat wave has allowed their players to think clearly, not confused by the ridiculous cold temperatures up there. Now that winter is settling in I’m sure they’ll suck ass anew. There’s plenty of other entertainment this week, ignore this waste of your time.

Sunday NIght Hate

The Packers of Fudge take on the Texans. Texans seem pretty awesome and hard to beat, plus they have that white guy that can jump. When you got a white guy that can jump, AND black guys that can jump, there’s no stopping you. The Packers look like they drafted the Steelers’ 2008 O line and are paying for it out the ass. Rodgers has been getting his ass discount double checked all over the place, and I’m loving it. To all those who predicted these guys would go on a nice run of winning Super Bowls, Eff You! The Packers never stop annoying me with their constant mention of titles back in the world war 2 days where there were like 4 teams and no forward pass. Those titles DON’T MEAN SHIT TO ME! Stop telling me about them. Oooo, your coach is the guy whose name is on the trophy. Big whoop dee fuckin doo. Go away, just die. I hate you and you stank Packers. Go pack a bong and then pass it to me, then die. Die a painful death from food poisoning due to eating your moldy cheese.

The "Who Cares Less About Winning the AFC West Bowl"

The Donkeys play Whale’s Vagina on Monday Night in the Annual ‘Who cares less about winning the AFC West Bowl’. I actually have to try and care less than the actual players do. This division is like an ugly hooker with AIDS at a bachelor party. Somebody's gonna go home with her, but you sure don't want that guy to be YOU. I couldn’t care less, just know that whoever wins this division will be one and done in the playoffs. Guaranteed.

That’s your hate guide folks. Hate a plenty for you on this short week, that’s what I do. I deliver the hate, and I need you to bring it up and enhance it. When the Hate Guide reaches more ears and eyes we hate harder, we do more damage, we burn holes in the souls of our enemies with lit cigars. We kick more ass plain and simple. Your contributions to the collective Hate can be made right here, nothing enhances the hate like a lot of it in the comments below. Let your hate out!! Don’t keep it all cooped up. And remember you can get real time hate during the games @hatingtheleague on twitter.

Love me some hate, aint it great, don’t wait, HATE!

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