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Pittsburgh Steelers at Tennessee Titans: The only difference between a box of useless crap and the Titans’ defense is the box. Steelers by 20.
Dallas Cowboys at Baltimore Ravens: I’d say that Jerry Jones has his head up his butt, except his butt’s not big enough. Nobody’s is. Ravens by 10.
Oakland Raiders at Atlanta Falcons: Atlanta’s 5-0? Big deal. Call me when MC Hammer’s on the sideline. Raiders with the upset.
Cincinnati Bengals at Cleveland Browns: Somebody needs to arrest Mike Holmgren for impersonating a General Manager. Bengals by 5.
St. Louis Rams at Miami Dolphins: I’m a dog. I can’t even count. But I can count how many titles the Dolphins have won since the Nixon administration – zero. Rams by Fisher’s mustache (its intimidation factor alone is worth five points)
Indianapolis Colts at NY Jets: Misery doesn’t love company, it loves Jets fans. Boy, does it ever! Colts by 2.
New England Patriots at Seattle Seahawks: Pete Carroll’s hair looks like a ragged squirrel. He could wear Belichick’s hoodie, but Whisenhunt took a dookie in it earlier this year. Sorry, Pete. Patriots by 10.
Buffalo Bills at Arizona Cardinals: What do you call five rich fat guys sitting around watching this game? The Cardinals’ offensive line. Cards by 2.
Minnesota Vikings at Washington Redskins: RG3PO takes more hits than Cheech and Chong. Redskins by 7.
Green Bay Packers at Houston Texans: With Brian Cushing out, the Texans won’t have enough roid rage to stop Aaron Rogers. Packers by 5.
Kansas City Chiefs at Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, unless you behold this game. These teams suck. Buccaneers by who-gives-a-damn.
NY Giants at San Francisco 49ers: Remember last year’s NFC title game? Revenge is a dish best served with Gore. 49ers by 10.
Denver Broncos at San Diego Chargers: The Chargers aren’t awful, but if they try really hard, they might get there. Broncos by 5.
Detroit Lions at Philadelphia Eagles: I shared a kennel at the Washington Animal Rescue League with some of Mike Vick’s dogs. Lions by 456,222.