FanPost

Your Week 7 Hate Guide




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Your week 7 Hate Guide

Welcome to the week 7 hate guide. As you know, this is where we give the league a piece of my mind. A big angry piece. Please refrain from reading if you are offended by anything at all. Topics may cover issues of high sensitivity including but not limited to: Obesity, Disease, Drugs, Alcohol, Female Genitalia, Male Genitalia, Interaction between genitalia, mental deficiency, physical deformities and handicaps, races, religions, politicians, fish, your football team, etc.

Men, oh men. It’s been a woeful week for the nation. Indeed we are left licking our wounds like Michael Vick’s dogs. The pain in my bosom stings as though it were stung by a thousand angry bees. However pain gives way to a most glorious substance: Hate.

Consider it for a second. That ex girlfriend who cheated on you? We’re you an endless whiney emo piece of shit for a while writing lovey dovey poetry BS while whimpering in a corner? Of course you were. Then what happened? Your balls descended from your pelvic internals and you hated that bitch with all your might. And you burned every picture she sent you, deleted her bitch ass out of your cell phone (after a quick booty call HOLLA!) and then shanked her tires as payback, and then pissed in the gas tank for good measure. Alright, maybe that last bit was me. But you get the idea.

Every painful seedling in life blossoms into a flower of hate with petals of rage and pollen hell bent on punishing others.

And my pain has transformed like an angry caterpillar becoming a pissed off butterfly. Man that sounds way too gay. Like a little eagle egg hatching and becoming an alpha predator that could snatch up a Daschund and eat it while flying home. That’s better. I am ready to hate harder than a silverback gorilla defending her children. And could there be a better victim for us than the wretched, grotesque, horrible- chili-making, prison-jumpsuit-wearing, ginger quarterbacked Shittinoutthe Bungholes.

Sinsincity was every jagoff talkin head douchemonger’s sexy pick to win the AFC north this year. Oh yes, they’re suddenly no longer the team that shits the bed more than a toddler who ate at a taco bell. They’ll just magically evolve from perennial inside-the-house doormat to full fledged marble tile. Not in my lifetime, hell no.

We’ve seen this before folks. The Been Gals one time won the division due to pure shit sucking tie breakers of bullshitness. This horrible event in modern history occurred in 2005. What happened to those great big bungholes, loaded to the brim with a ginger quarterback Jerkin Palmer and a tall black (redundant I know) athlete named Javon Johnson Chad Johnson Chad Ochocinco Chad Johnson. Yes, this retard has changed his name 3 times. He’s probably just in the witness protection program after having to play for the Bengals for a few years. It’s enough to make anyone go into hiding.

What happened to that fraudulent dildo chomping bag of dookie logs was that they got blasted into the offseason by the Pittsburgh MuthaFuggin Steelers, who were on their way to the greatest super bowl run to date.

Well history is once again repeating itself like a kid with tourette’s. The Bengals are not what the dumbasses on the internets thought they were. Dennis green would have known better. Speaking of Green, Pissinatti supposedly has the second coming of Randy Moss in Adriel Jeremiah Green. With a name like that, he MUST be Jewish. Therefore not really a great athlete. Jewthletes often make more money, but just can’t do as much on the field. Don’t be fooled by this guy, he may be tall and black, but he’s really just a special military body suit operated by a jewish guy small enough to fit inside.

The guy throwing him the ball is literally the second coming of Carson Palmer. Two gingerbacks in a row can only mean one thing: Goodell is trying to conquer. Red pride is at an all time high in Cincy and I hate it and it stanks! These types scare the living bejeebus out of me. There’s this one german ginger in my school who I teach, and he’s crazy smart and always smiling like he’s going to murder someone. The lack of an internal soul is clear and obviously they must feed on the souls of others. Goodell feeds on the souls of infant children.

Andy Dalton is much like his successful redheaded predecessor. Heralded in his first year, even more heaped upon him in his second. Doctors agree that he’s already catching the dreaded case of Bungholitis, a condition that turns a Bengal into a toothpaste-eating simpleton. See the aforementioned Javon Johnson Chad Johnson Chad Ochocinco Chad Johnson, Chris Henry, Ki-Jana Carter, TJ Usedadildo, among others. His primary symptom so far is wetting his pants with turnovers. Should it proceed to stage two, he’ll start proposing to cheerleaders and falling out of pickup trucks. Chances are he’ll probably play really well, choke in the playoffs someday, and get traded to a shitty team like Oakland for a ton of draft picks. I hope Keisel tears his ACL to honor his former mentor “Kemo” Therapy Von Oelhoffen.

They got their first ever ‘A’ prematurely made draft grade by all the anal-ists out there. But again, we see barely any impact so far. Dr. Dre Kirkpatrick might actually play his first game this weekend, and I can only hope that Mike Wallace welcomes him with open arms from 20 yards down the field. Speaking of this guy, when as a society are we going to start setting some rules for naming your children? If your kid’s name has an apostrophe, an extra syllable on an otherwise lovely name (Jamarcus, Jamichael, Demarcus, D’Brickashaw) you should be automatically sterilized, lose custody of your kid, and be removed from the food stamps list. Look at all the most successful receivers, nice 5-7 letter names. Lynn Swan, Hines Ward, Jerry Rice, Randy Moss, Calvin Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, Reggie Wayne. Get the picture Lakresha?

You think the players are bad? Even their cheerleaders are crazy messed up. Sarah Jones was recently granted a restraining order for her ex husband. She’s convinced he wants to murder her. Well he’s completely within his rights to do so. Ms Jones got caught screwing a minor at the high school where she taught. No jail time of course.

This is where I have to go off on a brief rant. Yinz vagina laden women want all this equality and equal pay and voting rights and all that jive turkey. Alright fine. I’ll give you that, but then I want EQUAL across the board. You open my door. You buy me a drink. You pay for dinner once in a god damn while. You fellate my organ. Sandusky goes to jail for touching boys, but the hot cheerleader teacher doesn’t? I declare shenanigans! Who knows how many boys at school were sexually assaulted by this woman. We only know about one, but there could be dozens more. They simply might be too scarred to talk about the statutory rape. They’re probably still in shock, boners in hand. Women wanna be equal, start pissin standin up and get with the program. And punish this woman for violating a poor boy.

Alright, so I hate the Bengals. They stank. They’re composed of fecal matter and disgusting skyline chili based diarrhea. The Stillers are gonna bounce back and open up a case of whoop-ass on the dirty rotten endangered Bengals. We’re gonna shoot em with an elephant gun, skin em raw, and turn them into fancy rugs to decorate our manly hunting cabins. James Harrison knows how to do this according to his facebook. He’s due for a monster game, and he loves the spotlights. A Sunday night butt raping for these cock gobblers is just what Tomlin ordered. Then the Steelers can go on an epic win streak, and show people that steel doesn’t break bitches! I hope we bury Cincy so hard in their own turf that they are consumed slowly and painfully by worms and fungi until their bodies decompose into shit fertilizer that runs off into the river during a violent thunderstorm from God and their remains washed into the water supply so that I can shit into a bowl filled with shitty Bengals and flush them all down the toilet at once. I hate em and they friggin stank, these cocky arrogant WHO DEY screamin prison stripe wearin taint monkeys. Bengals are going down like a slut on a jock.

I spare thee no mercy rest of the league. To hell you goeth!

Sweeatle @ Man Disco 69ers

As you know, beating the most hated and stanky team in the entire league the Few Remaining Patriots earns a reprieve from hate island for a week. The Seagulls put Tom Brady’s ass on the ground and made him have a sad. I love hissy fit Brady. It’s like watching a four year old at the super market bawling because his mom won’t buy his fat ass any more Reeses Puffs. Thank you Seattle. God I never thought I’d say that. Go mess up Alex Smith and give me some Harbaugh-face this week, and I MIGHT just give you another week of life.

Washingcunt @ New York Vaginas

Apparently dreadlocks do not prevent your brain from injury, as RG3 has about as many brain cells left after that smack as his name implies. What is it with these QBs and running around? Don’t they know that the NFL doesn’t give a shit about ball carriers? It’s the most dangerous position now! Pretty soon we’ll have to remove running from the game entirely! Well Worshingtan beat the Vikings, which isn’t saying much. Now they get the Giants, who just turned the 69ers into a bunch of bottoms. Might actually be a semi-competent matchup.

Cream Bay @ St. Clueless

Cream Bay got their act together by beating Whoston? Once again Houston is going from the sexy super bowl pick to the team that gets hurt midyear and finishes around 8-8. Meanwhile, Saint Clueless lost to the Dolphins. Losing to the dolphins is seriously a sign that your team’s goose has been marinated, barbecued, put on a skewer, and inserted into some fat Missouri resident’s gullet. Avoid this game if you value things like time and well consumed beer.

PenIsee @ Stuffaload

Apparently this is the year of parity, because somehow Buffalo is 3-3 and beat the Farcinals who were recently 4-0. It’s almost as if Communist Goodell was going to award the Super Bowl the most 8-8 team. Goodell wants everyone to have the same things and obey the red state. Red was the color of the Nazi Party, Communism, and Goodell’s hair. And the Ten’Teeth Titans, well we know what they did. I hate the Titans and they stank. I curse thee to eternal damnHation. May you never reach the poastseason ever again, may you wallow in the bowels of the NFL amidst your piece of shit brethren such as the Browns. I’m so tired of this team puling a game out of its ass on us. Hope the bills trample these testes tasters.

Clowns @ Dolts

The Clowns, led by soon-to-retire QB Brandon ‘Smokin the’ Weeden, managed to get their very first win of the year. Cleveland is almost exactly like a retarded baby. It says its first word after like 3 years and you go aww how cute, but deep down you realize this child is going nowhere fast. The Dolts also suck multiple dongs simultaneously. If you enjoy watching excessive amounts of herp and derp, make sure you tivo this one. Your Tivo should automatically self destruct if you try to however. That’d be a pretty good safety measure to implement.

No Whore’ns @ Tramp Bait

Another good ole confederate redneck battle between two stanky deep south mongrels. Nawhlans has as many wins as Cleveland, which I find to be awesome. Of course, this is what happens when you tarnish the shield. The Banhammer halts for no-one, except for the Patriots who Goodell secretly circle jerks after every game. I’m sure the Red Overlord is still pissed that the Taints managed to win even one game. This is way too much NFC for 1 PM, you might want to just sleep in and save your beer for later.

Cowgirls @ Black Panthers

Man every team somehow sucks this year. Mathematically you wouldn’t think EVERYBODY could be under .500, but somehow it’s happened. 2-3 vs. 1-4. It’s like NOBODY gives a shit about playing actual football anymore. It makes me feel better about the Steelers though. Regarding this game, all I have to say is F YOU COWBOYS. These foreskin fondlers managed to choke away the game against Baltimore, with Andy Reid style clock management and Mike Tomlin field goal decision making prowess. You could have done us a solid Dallassholes. You owe us a ton of solids, like a friggin cargo ships worth. Instead you go and gift the Ratbirds a win. You and the Chiefs. Thanks a lot football gods. I hate the cowboys and they stank, cheer for Fig Newton and the Black Panthers.

Ratbirds @ Tejanos

Whoa hey a matchup that somebody might actually watch. Why they don’t flex this one is beyond me, but the hated and stanky Purple Browns get to go into Texas to get their asses whooped on. They won’t last much longer. They were devastated by injury last week, which brings me to my happiest moment of the week.

Ray Lewis. Oh yes, happier I could not be. Finally this sphincter sucker got what was coming to him. This dirty cheap shotting accessory to murder at long last was put down. Now he can only come back as an annoying Brett Favre, a shell of his former self who has overstayed his welcome and is as useful as a day old tampon during a heavy flow. In an otherwise shit-laced week, this was my one golden ray of sunshine. I can only hope the same fate befalls the other 52 douchetards on this putrid purple pussy program.

For whatever reason there are exactly 2 games at 4:25. I swear sometimes the schedule maker must be smoking rocks when he whips this thing up. Especially since Jackoftenville travels to Jokeland for this week’s Futility Bowl. With both teams at 1-4 (this part of the Raiders record incenses me), nobody on earth gives a rat’s ass who wins. Please tie, just so I can look at a 1-4-1 record and laugh my ass off.

The cheaters have to go to New York to take on the Jumbo Enema Tube Slurpers, this could be a tarp game for the cameramen. With both of them at 3-3, who knows. All I know is that I’ll be crossing my fingers for the meteor in this one. That and Rex Ryan choking on a meatball sometime during the third quarter. I hate both these teams and they stank!

On Monday, you get to see the Detroit Lyings go to Shitcago. Not a bad matchup, and I might just watch to observe Cutler raise the douche bar with every frumpy pout. Plus it’s fun to watch Megatron soar into outer space as if he were on a jetpack and come down with the ball.

That’s all he wrote folks. Until next week! Remember to get your in-game hate on Twitter @hatingtheleague, and keep sending me your Hatecdotes, I’ll get back to you! I’d also like to give a shout out to Neal Coolong’s Steeler podcast, which was absolutely on point and well done. Good audio quality, even better commentary, and you get to put a voice to the name of Neal.

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