FanPost

Your Week 8 Hate Guide


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Your Week 8 Hate Guide

*As you already know all too well, the Hate Guide contains language that is hazardous to your central processing unit. Fellow robots, continue downloading only if your sarcasm sensors are fully functional and your mechanical tongues have been rotated into the cheek position. Disable sensitivity applications that may be running in the background.

Pardon the tardiness of the Hate Guide. Unfortunately this makes me exactly no money and I have to teach a bunch of Peruvians how to speak English so they can collectively remove their heads from their asses for a change. Given the retarded weekly Thursday night BS it makes it tough to crunch out a 5 page quality Hate Guide when you start work at 7:30 AM and get home at 8:30 PM Monday through Thursday. Gracias por su comprensión huevones.

But there’s nothing that makes me wake up happier than an NFL team from Ohio getting its ass kicked by the Black and Gold. The Steelers finally found their can opener and popped open some ice cold whoop ass on the Bungholes. I thoroughly enjoyed Colon smothering Vontaze Burlict like an obese woman diving on the last cookie that just fell on the floor. Attempting to stop a Colon in run blocking beast mode is like trying to put out a housefire by ejaculating on it. Truly wins against our hated and stanky AFC north foes taste much sweeter than others. Pittsburgh is undefeated in the division and my optimism is soaring higher than the Beatles in their Yellow Submarine.

This team showed us again that it is capable of being a contender. Of course, it WAS the bungles, and Bungle they did. Andy Dalton needs to stop using so much lube on his hands when he wanks it pre-game. Thanks for gifting us that one little red rocket. What a turdcatcher. Friggin Ginger back is the second coming of Jesus in Shitsinatti but he’s 0-3 against the worst two Steeler teams fielded in the last 8 years. Just imagine what we’d do to him back in 08.

Even though the Bengals suck harder than Kim Kardashian on black dong, we can say that things are looking up. There’s still a little bit of work to do. Mike Wallace apparently couldn’t catch a case of Chlamydia on a 17th century pirate hooker ship. Emmanuel Sanders seemed to fake an injury, in which case I hope the Fuhrer slams his banhammer down on his balls, because there is NOTHING that I hate more than the prospect of my NFL turning into some queerbait sport that Tom Brady goes to see like Soccer or some glory boy narcissistic ebonics speakin NBA. And I want David Paulson fired because I keep trying to shout Heeeeeeeeeeeeath at my TV only to end up looking retarded. Having two white TEs should require completely separate number brackets.

How do we solve our issues and continue drop kicking the faces of our unlucky bitches of the week? With a healthy heaping portion of HATE. Hate unites us under one angry banner. Hate makes our blood pressure go way up until we see funny colors. . Hate makes us yell at that TV like it were a shitty cooking whore-wife. Hate makes us rub our nuts on our TVs in an effort to remind the Bengals who’s boss around here. This week’s victim is one I have never hated on this site before: The Worshingtan Foreskins

Ah yes, this oddball team in the NFC that nobody actually pays attention to. Sandwiched between otherwise decent football offerings, this feces heap of a team has been rotting in Landover Maryland for quite some time now. Much like the Packers of Fudge Bay, and the Clowns of Cleveland, I care not for your antiquated titles that came before Hitler. And yes, you have 3 rings. But what have you done lately other than screw the pooch harder than Michael Vick. Just two division championships since 1991. I was still shitting my pants in 1991.

God where to start with the Foreskins? I’m always furious over the awful Geographic nature of the league. The Redskins and the Chiefs tend to be the most egregious in this regard, plus they both have those wonderful anti-native American names we all love so much. My problem is how the Redskins can be called the Washington Redskins if they are not actually based in Washington. This is some seriously cooked jive turkey. Would the Steelers be the Pittsburgh Steelers if they did everything in Monroeville? That wouldn’t make any god damn sense.

Yet there you have it, the Worshingtan ForeSkins play in Maryland. As if that ugly shaped state needed another shitty football team in it. Just one look at that state’s borders explains how shitty it is. It’s like all the other states said ‘Ok we’re gonna take the best parts of this state and leave you guys with the shitty part we don’t want.’ Maryland looks like the crappy crust left over after a pizza eating. For the record, anybody who doesn’t eat the crust is a gaping vag and needs to have their pizza privileges removed for good. This was a serious point of contention with my ex girlfriend.

But the bottom line is that the Redskins should have NO right to call themselves the Washington Redskins. It’s poppycock I tell you. I refuse to acknowledge their existence further until this is rectified. Why should the people of Landover get the short end of the stick? It’s not like any of them fancy politicians actually even care about the team. Speaking of fancy politicians, I will not be voting in this election, and I encourage every NFL fan to do the same.

Do you know why the NFL has started to resemble a decaying horse carcass? Lockouts of both players and refs, terrible rule changes, excessive Banhammering. These are the sins of Red Roger Goodell. All of these shenanigans occurred after Obama took office. I don’t blame Obam however. The problem is that he just doesn’t care about the NFL. Nigeria Hawaii doesn’t have any NFL representation at all. Neither does Mitt Romney, as mormons can’t watch football, and Utah has about as much football prowess as Alaska. Until our political system offers us a candidate who will have the NFL’s interests in mind, I shan’t be voting.

Dan Snyder can also choke on a bag of dicks. If you made a douche-o-meter scale, you would have to place Dan Snyder at the 10 pole. His favorite hobby is spending money. Not that I blame the man. Hilariously, he’s failed epically to learn that this lesson doesn’t work in football. The draft determines the big winners. Watching this douchemaster throw wads of money at total slobs like Albert Haynesworth makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. What a complete anal fister.

And now the Dickskins are the latest hot thing because of a certain Robert Griffin III. As I pointed out last week, players with simple names are more likely to be successful. Andrew Luck will do just fine, although the punability of his last name drops him a few points. I would have selected RG3 on this merit alone. I understand though that a Quarterblack in Indianapolis probably wouldn’t go over too well, they’ve been inculcated pretty strictly in the way of the Whiteback. RG3 has a name that’s pretty hard to make fun of. Tweet me your ideas on this subject @hatingtheleague. I’m open to suggestions.

And at WR they got Santana friggin Moss. The leastiest of all of Mossi. Sinorice got a super bowl ring, and Randy will probably be mooning people from the HOF. The man is 33 years old and leading the team. The way Ike Taylor smothered AJ Green like a fat woman rolling over on her infant child, I have no doubt this fuzzy mexican’t green pile of moss shit will be shut out. Amazing that with the way Snyder makes it rain he hasn’t really brought in a top receiver. Probably for the best given that free agent WRs increase the risk of bringing cancer to a locker room.

Aside from their QB, there isn’t much to write home about here. This team is hardly a threat to us, and to top it off they’ll be coming to Heinz Field for an ass beating up close and personal. I love beating anything that comes out of Baltimore with a corked baseball bat. It’s time for the Stillers to go beast mode on the league and remind them who wears the pants around this AFC. After spanking some kitties, we get to castrate some Indian-killin partisan-politicizing money-chuckin Baltimore-dwellin shit stanky Redskins this week. I hate em and they stank! I can’t wait to watch Pouncey come back and maul the Foreskins front 7 alongside the Colon-oscopy opening lanes like Pamela Anderson opens her legs. I’m thirsting for a healthier Woodley and Deebo to team up and turn RG3 into RG1.5. And just wait for Big Ben Roethlisberger to go apeshit crazy on the skins god awful secondary. He’s gonna make it rain TDs like the US rains bombs on terrorists. LeBeau’s gonna call in the drones, and show a rookie QB just how the NFL is played for real.

Redskins, you don’t even exist to me. Take your ancient titles nobody’s ever heard of and your dusty lombardis and insert them all the way up your dirty assholes until they come out of your ugly whore kissin mouths. I hate you and you stank, and your ass is grass come Sunday. Better call your sponsor FedEx so they can ship all your corpses back to Maryland before we burn them and sink them in our three badass rivers. Punk skank bitches.

Thursday night’s game was the expected waste of NFC time. Neither of these teams is going to do jack shit in the playoffs, so don’t waste your time watching them waste theirs. The Viqueens and Tampon Bay are basically pretty boys committing petty crimes: They’ll be somebody’s bitch in the joint once they get there.

Pussies @ Pandas

The Panthers suck. At 1-5 they should be trampled nicely by da Bears. Da Bears is probably the most retarded fan chant in the league. It’s up there with equally atrocious ‘Who dey’ and ‘Who dat’ chants. It’s pretty bad when your team can’t pronounce two words in a row correctly. Get some Hooked on Phonics and learn to speak some goddamn English. The reason ‘Da Bears’ is the worst chant is that it’s said slowly, making the entire stadium sound like a bunch of downs children watching Pokemon. At least Who dey and Who dat are said in rapid succession, allowing their users to sound like competent morons instead of completely inept hemorrhoid suckers.

Whale’s Vagina @ Clowns

When is Phillip Rivers going to be 100% out of the Elite QB discussion? The man has choked in the playoffs like a first time porn actress fresh out of high school. Unfortunately this is one of those games where he’ll throw for 350 yards and a few TDs, because the Browns defense resembles the immune system of a 30-year Butt-AIDS patient. If Rivers goes to the HOF it will be a tragedy. Frankly a Super Bowl ring should be a minimum requirement for QBs to get into the hall. Possible exception allowed for a guy like Marino. Anyway, I hate the chargers and they stank. I actually hope they do get into the playoffs though, just so that we can serve them a cold hard dish of hate and dominate them like we did in 08.

Washington Seecocks @ Detroit kittens

The Kittens have not been as awesome as they were last year. For some reason they’ve just decided to not lob every single pass up to Megatron, which is what my offense would be if I were the Lions DC. My playbook would be about 3 pages thick. He’s so tall, and so black, that all you really have to do is put the ball a couple feet over his head and watch him go up and get it. Seattle has done the world a few favors this year, beating hated and stanky foes such as the Ravens and Iggles. Generally though Hawks < Lions. A quick shout out for the Detroit Tigers in the World Series too!

Jackoftenville @ Green Bay

Lol jxnvil sux haha #GreenBay gna bone all da #Jaguars moms smh. Please do yourself a favor and cancel your cable service if this game is being aired. Then commit seppuku.

Fattyopolis Dolts @ Ten’Teeth Titans *This week’s Obesity Bowl*

I don’t think there is a stadium large enough to contain the immense obesity of these two fan bases. The seats definitely need to be reinforced for this matchup. I hate the morbidly obese and they stank. Quite literally they reek of festering KFC skin, cheesy poof residue, shit, and of course rotten tubed meat products. These examples of human livestock should just be deported in a giant barge to Africa to feed the poor.

The only solution to fatness is to adopt a very Weightist society. This is the most important election issue that nobody is addressing. America is turning into one giant fat nation of triple chinned XXXL wearing swine. Were I to become your supreme leader of awesomeness I’d call for reform. Make doors smaller: can’t get in, tough shit fatass. Every X used in your shirt size is taxed 25% more. You can only buy a 64oz soda if you fill it with diet. Mandatory closure of All you can eat buffets. Gym membership is tax deductible. If all else fails, draft everyone over 350lbs into the military and whip em into shape (sorry Hampton.) I hope every fan in attendance dies of a simultaneous massive heart attack after the stadium gives away corn dogs for the 4th INT thrown of the night.

Brady’s Vagina @ Ramjobs

In a Super Cheater Bowl rematch from 2001, we have the Ramjobs and Cheaters. This game retains about as much interest from that 2001 match as a drunken hobo retains his urine. Should the Ramjobs pull off an upset, I shall grant them a reprieve from hatred, as beating the Pats is akin to saving the world from Hitler. I wish Obama would call in the drones to wipe out Darth Hoodieus and Tom ‘Labia Majora’ Brady.

Porpoises @ Just Execute Tebow + Sanchez

Ah , the battle for AFC East mediocrity. The JETS managed to choke away the game against the Pats last week, irritating me like sand in my urethra. They went into their turtle offense after scoring, and failed to get the game clinching first down because they wouldn’t even attempt a pass downfield. Not that I blame them given their wretched options at QB. Choose between Jesus-back who hasn’t been anything more than a really pricey decoy, or the Mexican’t acne ridden retard who couldn’t throw a ball correctly to save his dying grandma. So screw you JETS, you could have beaten the worst team in the league, and instead you ate shit and rolled over and took a bitch humping. I hate you and you stank!

Shartlanta @ Andy Reid’s Wasted Timeouts

A-town is 6-0, the only undefeated team left. I guarantee they’ll flop miserably come December/January, much like they do every year. Matty Ice needs to stop using a name that makes him sound like a shitty chick wine cooler and grow a pair come clutch time. In the meantime though it shouldn’t be hard to dispense the iggles led by the worst coach to still have a job after all these years: Andy Reid. I’ve written tomes of refuse regarding this overweight sack of dog feces, so all I’ll say here is I hate em and he stanks, and I hope the Iggles get murdered by some Falcons in a Battle of the Birds. Ornithologists everywhere are creaming their pants in anticipation.

Fauxland @ Kansas Shitty

This is basically the AFC west equivalent of Dolphins Jets, ignore unless you enjoy watching a train wreck of a game. Your TV should literally turn itself off if you tune into this epic waste of time.

Gints @ Reverse Cowgirl

Again we’re in this gay stretch of the season with only two late games. I hate this and it stanks. Washington and Pittsburgh could have been a 4:25 game, but nooo we need to make sure that the world slobbers Jerry Jones old nutsack even more. I hope the Giants beat the Cowgirls so hard that Jerry Jones’ face actually is forced to show a wrinkle. Screw that oil tycoon and all his CEO bullshit at the games, he has no idea what he’s doing and is an embarrassment to the league. Sorry Jerr, you can’t make up for your undersized penis with a giant stadium and Tony Romo. Maybe with Aikman you could, but Romo is an accurate metaphor for your tiny member. Romo, like Jerry Jones dick, folds when it’s needed most and can only get up when there’s no pressure. And sometimes it ends up benefiting the ‘other team’ a lot more than the one it’s supposed to. And I’m sure they both love Glory Hole.

No-winnings @ Donkos

Nawhlahns is really horrible without BanHammered Sean Payton. As a result I have absolutely no interest in watching the world’s biggest forehead take on Drew breesus.

MNF presents: 69ers @ Pittsburgh West

Since the Cardinals are basically Pittsburgh’s D-2 team, we might as well cheer for em. They also were kind enough to lose to us in a Super Bowl, which gives them a soft spot in me heart. The 69ers are led by a Harbaugh, meaning I hate them ferociously and they stank like a gallon of milk with a dead chicken in it that’s been left to rot for a week in the hot sun. Plus the SF Giants are beatin up my Tigers. San Francisco, you’ve been warned. Your butt buddy ways are no longer tolerated, I demand the souls of ex Steelers wreak havoc upon your ass meats and ravage your rectums with rusty fireplace pokers. I hate you and you stank!

Remember to get your gameday hate on @hatingtheleague. And if you enjoy reading, please leave a comment and let me know. Hate brings us together, we must embrace the camaraderie that hate provides. Plus it actually does motivate me to write more when I see a ton of people partaking at the hate table.



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