Your week 5 Hate Guide
It’s week five. I’m, to put it politely, perturbed. Don’t bother reading on unless you’re ready to join me.
We’ve passed the quarter pole, which is what I call my genitals three minutes after copulation. And I have arrived at the conclusion that the NFL is a post-apocalyptic wasteland ruled by a ginger overlord who swings his hammer with impunity and is our greatest foe.
I can’t even begin the hate guide without taking some time to lament the death of the game I have both loved and viciously hated over the years. It took me some time to truly come to terms with what I have witnessed. It resembles a breakup with a girl you actually can tolerate for more than a couple hours. It takes some time for the pain to settle into its place.
And folks I am full of pain and hurt. This loss to Oakland spoke to me. RIP NFL, 9/17/20-9/21/12. Within a week of its 92nd anniversary as an organization, the NFL finally gave up the ghost in what had been a long struggle with Red cancer. The NFL is lived on by the Goodell Football League, which slanderously uses the NFL’s name. The NFL is akin to one of your favorite local restaurants or stores that goes under new ownership. We’ve all seen this before. From the outside it more or less looks the same. The interior is virtually unchanged. But the soul is gone. The life of the place has changed. You can’t put your finger on it but it’s there, or not there depending on your feeling.
The NFL is but a hollow carcass of its former glorious self. And the Oakland game made me see this. The Steelers just simply shouldn’t lose a game to such a god awful team in such fashion. I’m not overreacting to a loss, frankly the loss doesn’t concern me one bit about the future of the team. But it speaks volumes to what has happened in the league and it reveals the grand master scheme behind the First Red Reich.
Take one look at the scores of games in today’s NFL and you’ll see what I mean. I just felt like comparing a bit. This season, 40 points by a team has happened more than 8 times, in two cases twice in one game. Last week featured a 52 point game, albeit by the Patriots. On the other hand, 2004, before Roger Gotohell was in charge, in the first four weeks there occurred exactly one posting of 40+ points. And there weren’t a ton in the 30s either. There were a lot more single digit scores.
Not a coincidence folks. Our last lost to Oakland was impossible ten years ago. We made a couple of mistakes, but so did the Raiders. Those evened out. The Raiders simply passed at will. Reread that sentence, vomit into a garbage can, and brush your teeth. Back? Ok, think about it. In the past, holding the ball for 2/3rds of a game was enough to win it. That was Cowher’s bread and butter and grape jam. And Haley, Tebow bless em, is trying to bring back that ball control mentality like a gay bowler. Too bad that doesn’t work in today’s NFL anymore. Goodell doesn’t want a team to quietly plod about down the field chewing up epic quantities of clock.
Why, such a logical way to win the game might not produce a pointsgasm on the big ass 130 foot electronic board in the Jerrydome and won’t give scoreboners to all the bros watching at home. I’m sick of this bullshit. Do you know why Vanilla is the most popular flavor of ice cream? Because of most of the people on this planet couldn’t find their cock and balls without a god damn Garmin and a cellphone flashlight application. Vanilla is a waste of your weiner wiggling time and is the beige of flavors. You can put it anywhere and nobody will be offended. But nobody’s ever going to walk in and go ‘Daaaaaayyyyummmm this Vanilla is off da HINgiz.’ Unless you’re listening to Vanilla Ice with a stereotypical black man, in that case it might happen.
I don’t want Vanilla Football. I don’t want a bajillion kazillion ginger dongs pointkakeing on my football. I want him to get the hell out of my NFL and give me my game back. They’ve taken everything about pass defense and completely eradicated it to the point that even the hated stanky filthy tattoo-getting ugly-costume-wearin mouth-breathin no-child-support-payin convict sons of bitch whores in Oakland were able to look like friggin Joe Montana and Jerry Rice. Bull, Sheep, Goat, Chicken, whatever farm animal’s SHIT. You can’t even breathe on a WR without a PI anymore. Holding is fine, because it protects quarterbacks from those life threatening concussions. Nevermind his legs, unless it’s Brady. No fine for the jagoff who tried to rip Ben’s knee off the other week. It’s the same old pick and choose favoritism bullshit we’ve seen since this asshole took office.
Why do you think we’ve just instituted replay in every single friggin play? It’s not about getting the calls right. That’s what the challenge flag and inside two minutes were for. The system was totally fine, the whole point of giving coaches a challenge flag was to have them make these tough calls. No, this change was motivated by money. More advertising time, more breaks in play. Creating a stupid rule that dumbs down the game and adds an excessive amount of time pays the fans no service whatsoever. It also has ruined the joy of ever getting a touchdown. We used to just be able to rambunctiously celebrate chug a beer hi five a bro and slap a chicks ass when there was a TD. Now, I have to tepidly shout yay while secretly holding my breath for the eventual review.
Scab refs or no, the game has been irreversibly slanted towards the offense. It’s what the league wants. Points attract people who don’t really follow the game. People watch basketball whether or not they like basketball because there are players and points. There’s always something to see. But if you turned on Browns Jaguars you’d probably never watch the NFL again and you’d do well to book a therapy session.
So, now that I’ve read the NFL’s Obituary, I’d like to call for another one. I want the head of Roger Goodell on a platter. These shenanigans have gone on for too long. May Goodell be rendered asunder by a pack of wild wolves as the pyroclastic flow of a volcanic eruption engulfs him and his family and burns them while simultaneously encasing them in a solidified layer of ash that preserves their corpses forever. That way, the world can view them in a museum forever. Little kids on field trips will walk by and ask their teacher ‘What’s an asshole?’ Then I hope his home is decimated by a severe earthquake that opens up the ground and engulfs his castle, swallowing it whole along with Goodell’s illegally kept black slaves. You know that man has slaves.
I will then personally invite the world to collectively piss hot urine over the land you once called home, followed by a liberal sowing of salt. Because that’s how people messed your shit up hard back in the day. Go to Hucking Fell Goodell and do us all a favor and commit self-murder.
Allow me to say that I am just simply pissed like a bear on its period protecting its cubs from a redneck. We need to channel this into a win coming off of an extremely gay 1-2 start. The Eagles are up on our list. I have zero doubt that we will be able to clip the wings of these endangered animals.
First off, I hate birds. I hate bird teams as a result. With the exception of the world’s most awesome animal: The Mutha Fuckin Penguin. Penguins are just all balls. Dressed sharp 24/7, eatin fish, playin on ice, waddling around lookin cuter than Kate Upton, and all around being the greatest thing ever evolved. But Eagles, Falcons, Ravens, Seahawks (wtf is a seahawk anyway), all you bird teams gots to get the F out. Birds are just dicks. They squawk at you and try and bite your children.
The Iggles have been this perennial waste of time every year. It’s always the year but it never happens. Being an Eagles fan is like being in the friend zone with a mormon virgin: You’re never getting laid. Last year was the famed dream team, which was my personal favorite Eagles fail. Then again, anybody listening to Vince Young needs to have their head examined. I do get tired of how the media seems to gravitate towards Fillme instead of the Burgh, the greatest city in the union. Of course, good ole fashioned Stiller Footbaw aint what Goodell wants people to see.
Of course, it’s easy to be a media whore when your pimp is none other than Michael Vick. Last time we dealt with the Eagles, or rather were dealt with by the Eagles, Vick was in prison for dog fighting. Google the words “Eagle takes dog”. 32 million hits bitches. Search “Michael Vick Dog” and you get less than 5 million. Search “Michael Vick Eagles” and you get about 7 million. What’s 7 million times 5 million? Not far off from 32 million.
Michael Vick is now operating Bad Newz Kennelz through the Eaglez football club. You heard it first here in the Hate Guide. Makes sense, selfish son of a bitch with a moral compass that works as well as a spinning rim in the mud would probably continue to be an ignorant asshole with less heart than that weird lion from Wizard of Oz. This man deserves nothing but a slow painful death and I can only pray that the freshly resurrected Deebo and Teenage Mutant Ninja Woodley combine to rip Vick apart and feed his frail prison raped limbs to literal dogs who can get the ultimate revenge. Then I hope every Eagles fan steps in some Michael Vick dog shit and reeks like a soap-droppin animal-murderin money-wastin hip-hop-listenin football prostitute covered in feces.
A huge problem with this universe is that we no longer can just kill people. I miss those days. I pine for them. In the time it took me to write that sentence like 20 people died. I’m pretty blazed so that sentence did take a while, but still. 20 people, probably most of them old or innocent or whatever died. Can we just kill a few more bad guys? If you electrocute dogs and make them fight for money, why can’t we just KILL you? What would the world have lost? Absolutely nothing at all. Vote me for president and I’ll have daily hangings in the downtown.
I digress. The other reason we’re sure to win this game is that Andy Reid, morbidly obese coach of the year for like a thousand years running, is STILL somehow head coach of this football team. Andy Reid is like Dick Clark. He could barely move his face and breathe properly but godammit he was hosting New Year’s Rockin Eve when most of us had no idea who in Tebow’s name he was. Andy Reid just won’t go away. I finally figured out his secret. Morbidly obese coaches cannot win, but they’re also too fat to leave the actual building. The management tried to fire Reid years ago. After Reid said he wouldn’t leave, they found out he actually meant to say he couldn’t. So until they have the money to knock out a hole in the wall, Reid stays.
Seriously the Eagles are a joke. Vick is a criminal and needs to be apprehended like the Renegade he is, on Heinz Field, by the Super Silverback and the Samoan Savior. At long last, our team has assembled and is ready to hate as one. Finally we can crush and decimate foes like Antonio Cromartie decimates the Child Support system. Bring your hate to the battlefield and let us show the Eagles which half of Pennsylvania isn’t a pussy pile of ball-less pube flossers. I hate the Eagles and they Stank. Let em know it!
Remember, yinz can get your hate on in the game, or whenever else some hate boils up inside me, on Twitter. @hatingtheleague will keep you up to date on the hate.