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Your Week 9 Hate Guide

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Your Week 9 Hate Guide

The Author of the Hate Guide is not responsible for any prickled sensitivities or adverse reactions due to excessive Hate absorption. Hate is not intended for minors under the age of consent. Those allergic to Hate should avoid contact with Hate, as Hate can result in a deadly Hate Attack, incurable with modern medicine. The thoughts and comments expressed in the Hate Guide are absolutely the opinion of the author and if you don't like em please click the little X in the corner of your browser.

Hate is finally on a roll, two solid wins in a row have this team looking good to go. It was fun watching DeAngelo Hall meltdown like a Russian nuclear reactor after his team's WRs batted more balls than he had all of last season. What a complete and total asshat. With a middle name like Eugene, you expect him to be a major puss, but that was beyond vaginal levels. Instead of taking out his aggression on an actual player he just decides to cuss out the refs. While I respect his hate, it was misdirected. Such a hate amateur. Fortunately the readers of Behind the Steel Curtain have a Hateologist on their hands.

Some people might be trembling at the thought of taking on the defending Super Bowl champion Giants this weekend. I'm here to tell you that the Gicunts are nothing more than another pit stop on our way to glorious victory and redemption. The Stillers are going to march all over the Gitaints this weekend and piss on them like Hurricane Sandy Vagina is doing right now.

Yes people, ignore what Tim Teblow says, the Steelers are god's team. God has sent the elements of Mother Nature to soften the Blue Ballers prior to their evisceration on Sunday. As I write this, a blessing from above is devastating one of the most godless lands in the world. It's long overdue, and far too deserved. Just like Katrina for New Orleans, god gets revenge on modern Sodom and Gomorrahs. He toppled Haiti with an earthquake for their witchcraft. He sent the Conquistadores to America cause they only worshiped the sun. I can only pray that California is next. For now, we should join our holy leader in bringing out the big guns. Even though they are our next victims on the rape stand, the Giants pose threats to the Steelers of Pittsburgh.

The Giants are a mighty fine football squad, but of course through no fault of their own. The Mara family shares precious football DNA with the Rooney family, which of course is the greatest sports owner in the history of the universe. The Rooney family legacy can be traced back to Aztec games, where the warriors played an archaic form of soccer with the decapitated heads of their bitches. The Mara family has merely copied the Stillers sterling example. Much like a shitty Chinese watch, you can try and copy the Rolex but you'll never be the same. The Steelers are the real McCoy and will remind the world of this on Sunday.

Case in point: The 2004 NFL draft. The Midgets selected pedigree baby face Manning over the great Big Ben Roethlisberger. All the brouhaha over Rivers or Manning turned out to be in error. Who was the first QB in that group to win a ring? The Ben. Who was the first one to get two rings? The Ben. Who was the first one to get laid? Definitely the Ben. Who was the first #6 seed to win it all? The Stillers. The Giants might have been able to duplicate our feats, but never forget who showed them how. So far, the pupil is still subservient to the master. Oh, and Ben owned Eli last time we played there.

The Blue Buttholes also share the Redskins' folly of having an erroneous name. If you can't build a stadium in New York then you shouldn't be the goddamn New York anything. You play in New Jersey, the lowliest of states. You and your guido sad sack of shit fans should be called the New Jersey Gigolos, a more accurate representation of where you're from. South Park had it right in its portrayal of New Jersey as a pile of retarded shit that does nothing but get excessive tattoos and piercings and run around without shirts having heaps of unprotected sex. Hopefully the entire fanbase dies of AIDS within the next decade or so. Your greatest export is Snooki, congratulations.

On the field, the Gishits are a bunch of America hating xenophiles. If there are two things I hate, it's the French and hyphenated names. Hyphenating your name is just the model of indecisiveness. Apparently your parents were both such pushover pussies that neither of them could come to a decision and decided to simply slap their names together. And to top it off, one of them was French. Pierre-Paul has to be the worst last name in US history. The French name is first for crying out loud. Of course you're a ‘sack expert', your country was sacked by other nations so many times I've lost count. You're not hiding the fact that you're an accordion-loving baguette-shoving long cigarette-smoking frog dressed up as an American. Go back to your country, I hate you and you stank!

Then there's Victor Cruz and his shitty salsa dance which makes Antonio Brown look like Hines Ward on Dancing with the Stars. A Mexican't and a Frenchy. What is this world coming to? Of course it's all a part of God-dells master plan to conquer the world with the NFL, and then become supreme overlord of the universe. The Fourth Reich is trying its hardest to appeal to foreigners by having the Giants win the Super bowl. Now a bunch of Frenchies are probably waving their berets for Pierre-Paul and there's a fiesta with shitty beer and mariachi bands dancing around whenever Victor Cruz scores a touchdown. Newsflash: Mexico is Stiller country and we don't even have a single illegal immigrant on the team.

The most annoying character on this team has to be Eli Manning. I swear you could take Eli to the movies and still get him in on a child's ticket. I would bet $20 that the only tit that Eli has seen is his mother's and he probably still sucks on it from time to time. One hit by James Harrison and he'll be sucking his thumb and crying for Archie to come and kiss his boo-boo. I guarantee he still wakes up scared of his morning wood not knowing what to do with it. You know he went to Disney World after being the Super Bowl MVP and enjoyed every damn minute of it. He filled his little fag book with Mickey Mouse's autograph and rode Space Mountain a hundred times straight with a fastpass. Anybody who's been to Disney after age 12 knows that it's the most excruciating experience up there with dental surgery and court proceedings in terms of pleasure. I wouldn't doubt that he bought bilingual dictionaries for each country in Epcot.

Tom Coughing and Mike Shananananahan are the two candidates in the race for the reddest face. But Coughlin can't even do that right, since his face only turns menstruation red whenever he blows a gasket, which is about 9 times per quarter. Shananay at least shows some dedication to Redface, he really personifies the team he works for. I'd love to see him coach Green Bay, he'd probably end up looking like some kind of weird Frankenstein/Mum'ra combination. The other coach that Tom Coffin is competing with is Darth Belichick, star of Star Wars Episode #7: We want your money. Both of these guys are the unhappiest coaches in the league. I mean sweet Mr. Clean's abs you get to be the head coach of a multi majillion dollar NFL franchise and you look like a man whose car just got rear ended by an Asian female driver. Fact: Neither of these men has ever smiled in their lives. Stop being such a superdouche and lighten the hell up a little bit. You could give Coughlin 6 Xanax, a bottle of Black Label, and a BJ and his lips still wouldn't unpurse.

The Gints are the team that gets hot at the right time. They can't actually get the #1 or #2 seed, hell they can't even win the division. The only way they win it all is if they back their asses in on the last week of the season. Which means that they have to lose a bunch of games midseason. Well their wish is coming true on Sunday. You wanna struggle to be a 6 seed this year? We're all too happy to oblige. Ziggy Hood is gonna paw your extra points like Dikembe Mutumbo on Spud Webb. Our new O-line is going to drive your French DL back like a Nazi bullrush. Mike Tomlin is gonna show Coughlin that cooler heads prevail and screaming until you have a stroke gets you nowhere. Mike Wallace gonna fly over the top like a Predator drone bombin moose-lams. The Ben is going to go beast mode, ravage your shared stadium (which is also super lame) and have his way with your cheerleaders. The Giants may be a team I respect, but this week I hate em and they stank and their going down like the dogs they is!

Can't wait to beat the crap out of Big Blue. And now, the rest of the league:

Kansas City Queefs @ Wow you lost to Cleveland

Last week I decried Fillup Rivers' Ass for not being even remotely near an elite QB. And lo and behold, what did he do against the Browns? A whopping 6 points. 6 points against the Clowns. I'll pause for you to stop laughing. Not done yet? Whale's Vagina putting up 6 points on the Browns is like a Lexus getting smoked by a Geo Metro in the quarter mile. So now you know folks: When I tell you some stanky QB ain't elite, he ain't elite. When I rain down hate like Deathcane Sandy upon a QB and he puts out a game like that, you better recognize. Chargers, you can atone for your sins by signing me to your team and letting me collect that check. Oh and Kansas City is pretty god damn awful, so much so that I'll just save it for when we steamroll them later on this year.

Fartinals @ Crackers

The Cards are who we thought they were: A team led by John Skelton/Kevin Kolb. That's way too many K's for your quarterbacks to have. K is a bad letter for names. Just look it up in the dictionary and notice that it only has one page, that's weak sauce. Just consider other QBs with Ks in their names: Kordell Stewart (lets be real), Mike Vick (two Ks!!), Kerry Collins (Alcoholic!), Jon Kitna, Jake Plummer's crack, Dan Orlovsky (Polish!) the list goes on folks. You heard it first from the Hate Guide. Aaron Rodgers has a very nice K-less name and will go onto victory this week. Man would I make a hell of a draft expert with my keen insights.

Pussies @ ..southern Pussies?

Nothing I love like a catfight. Lions and Jags provide just that. Of course we all know that a Lion would totally beat the bloody hell out of a Jaguar. They got in the playoffs as I boldly predicted last year. This prediction was cemented in history with my friend on a bet for two cold Guinnessae. Anyway this is a game they should actually win, since the Haguars are now led by a terrorist owner who probably bought the team just to get a visa so he could blow up a plane. I seriously hate the Jaguars and they stank! Oh, and they live in Florida, America's herpes-riddled penis state.

Bears @ Meth Heads

The White'ns continue to suck royally as Matt Hasselbeck (K!) ages worse than a bottle of two buck chuck. The Bears actually look pretty competent, and Slutler has actually given about ¼ of a shit this year, which is 10 times more shits given than any season prior. Of course the Bears D helps a lot with that. In Cutler's own words: Doooonnnnn't Caaaaaarrrre, about this game.

Donkeys @ Indians

Ugh, it sucks watching a team that we could have beat go on to be just average. It's kinda like hearing that your ex girlfriend has a new guy. It hurts at first. But then you meet the guy, and he's this acne covered fatass driving a 90s Escort and you get REALLY pissed. I mean WTF I thought this guy/team was supposed to be really good. Now I feel even shittier. So Broncos, win some GD games so I can justify our loss to you all the more. This week is the perfect place to start since the Bungholes are the OTHER team to have lost to Cleveland. I'd like to propose new rules for games against Heaveland:

If you play against Cleveland and lose, you get TWO losses. And Cleveland gets two wins. If you win, you get one win but automatically lose any non-division tiebreaker. And if you tie, you should be banned for the season on account of playing horribly shitty football. Seriously Cleveland is so bad that I somehow find myself discussing their badness even when they aren't involved.

Oh, and why did I call the Bengals the Indians in this part? Because their name is retarded. If you type Bengal into Wikipedia it takes you directly to the region in India. So therefore the Bengals are Indians. Except these ones are probably too stupid to even handle the most basic IT question. Best leave the tech support to the curry-munchers.

Panthers @ Circumcised Foreskins

All I can say is the only reason you should even consider watching this game is because they'll be showing the derp-reel of drops that the Redskins had last week. Man were they bad last week, we kinda got luckier than we realized. They could have been competitive early, but they just herped their way home. The Redskins embodied the concept of the dropped pass to perfection.I realize my metaphor last week about Mike Wallace was overblown hyperbole. They seriously couldn't catch AIDS if 400 HIV+ men performed a Bukkake on them after rubbing their faces with cheese graters. And don't worry about the Stillers run D, we were playing contain on RG3" Penis (Thanks @AMKrupey), and of course LeBeau made him look like the rookie he is.

Purple Browns @ Brown Browns

I know I've just made fun of the Browns like four times in one Hate Guide, an average number, but for this one paragraph I'll make an exception. Browns, win this game and I'll totally let you off the hook until we play you. I know you're about as useful as a melted ice cube in my drink, but do us this one favor por favor. I have to admit though it's rather hard to ask a team to literally beat themselves. It's like telling Marty McFly to get in the Delorean, go back in time, and literally shoot his other self in the face. He'd fade away all mysteriousy and shit. The Browns are playing their former selves. It's like a shitty Sci-Fi channel B movie. Enjoy.

Cowgirls @ Falcons

The Falcons are the new Colts. They win like crazy in the regular season and then wilt in the postseason like a flower in desert heat being pissed on by a hobo who drank a gallon of Agent Orange. The Cowboys were a real treat last week. The disappointing never disappoint, Romo chucked his usual INT Hat trick and the Cowboys herped and derped. Romo is the NFC's Flacco. I'll be busy watching the Stillers rock the socks off the Gints. You should be too. Ignore this NFC duel.

Iggles @ Taints

Goodell obviously thought this game would be a good game for Monday Night. But then he went and Banhammered Sean Payton. Big ups to the guy who got in the photo with the Fuhrer with the Free Sean Payton shirt. Buy this man a brewdaddydooski. But I kinda love the ironic twist of fate for the Ginger overlord. He sets up a primetime matchup and then shits on his own production by banning Payton. What a dumbass. Goodell sucks. I would literally pay people to follow him around and just boo him wherever he goes. Imagine how awesome it would be. Goodell goes to the McDonalds drive through and gets Booed during his order. Takes some cash out of the ATM and gets booed. Every time his red ass gets in or out of a car, BOOOOOO. Boo Goodell needs to be the new meme. I hate em and he stanks!

Buccaneers @ Raiders THE PIRATE BOWL!!

Arrrr ye scurvy mateys!! The landlubbers will be glued to their devil boxes for the quadrennial Duel for the Seven Seas. Could ye have a better time for some good ole fashioned butt-piracy than on the morrrrrows of Hallowed Ween? Aye, Captain Black Freeman, with his ironic moniker sets sail from the Bay of Tampa with his swarthy galleon of Buccaneers into the stormy seas of Oakland. Redbeard Palmer dwells in a murky scary stanky land where few men return from alive and all they wenches have the plague. Those that survive come back scarred for life, usually by the bullets of a blunderbuss. Be warrrry. The Rrrrrraiders are led by Davy Jones himself! Tis true! Al Davis ‘Davy Jones' rises from his lockerrrrr after Hallowed Ween and sends his frigate of demons upon the unsuspecting. Arrrrr have ye wits about ye on this Sunday, for there be a raid of bucs on the horizons.

Author's note: Could there be a more perfectly timed disaster than Bucs Raiders after Halloween? That's like your condom breaking and your girls IUD coming loose on the exact day she's ovulating and getting twins.

I think on the Pirate note there really isn't much more to write about. The rest of the games are lamer than Steven Hawking. Dolphins @ Colts interests me about as much as a 400lb woman on her period. Bills @ Texans is kinda like an old rerun of Friends, I'll watch it if I stumble upon it but I'll probably be gone by the second commercial. Viqueens at Seecocks is more or less a Bond movie, it won't blow your socks off but it'll be fine. You don't need to rush out to the theaters to see it, you can just get the Blu-Ray and you'll be okay.

There's your hate for week 9. Remember to get your live hate on Twitter @hatingtheleague! Hate fine for week nine!

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