Pittsburgh Steelers at NY Giants: New Yorkers need something to cheer them up. This game isn’t it. Steelers by 10.
Kansas City Chiefs at San Diego Chargers: Misery may love company, but even misery steers clear of Norv Turner. Chiefs pull the upset.
Denver Broncos at Cincinnati Bengals: How many Bengals does it take to lift a Lombardi Trophy? Who the hell knows? Broncos by 3.
Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns: The Browns were blessed with great draft picks and a rabid fan base, but with hard work and practice, they got over all that. Ravens by 7.
Arizona Cardinals at Green Bay Packers: The only difference between Arizona’s offense and my bowel movements is that my crap moves. Packers by 10.
Chicago Bears at Tennessee Titans: Want to stop global warming? Ban hair spray in Tennessee. That’ll do it. Bears by 8.
Miami Dolphins at Indianapolis Colts: Weren’t these teams supposed to stink? Oh well, I can’t get everything I want. Mahi Mahi by ten.
Carolina Panthers at Washington Redskins: When Cam Newton grows up, he wants to be RG3. If he grows up, I mean. Redskins by 10.
Detroit Lions at Jacksonville Jaguars: We should thank the Mayans for inventing the number zero, otherwise we couldn’t count the Super Bowls these teams have won. Lions by 10.
Buffalo Bills at Houston Texans: 99% of all Buffalo Bills give the rest a bad name. Texans by 15.
Minnesota Vikings at Seattle Seahawks: Did somebody sneeze antifreeze on the Seahawks’ uniforms or are they supposed to be that ugly? Vikings by 5.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Oakland Raiders: The Pirate Bowl! As bad as this game will be to watch, it’ll still be better than the third Pirates of The Caribbean movie. Barely. Bucs by 4.
Dallas Cowboys at Atlanta Falcons: How much did Jerry Jones pay his plastic surgeon to make him look like Stewie from The Family Guy? Cowboys by 1.
Philadelphia Eagles at New Orleans Saints: I shared a kennel at the Washington Animal Rescue League with some of Mike Vick’s dogs. Saints by 456,222.
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