Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers: Ravens is short for cravens - lacking the least bit of courage: contemptibly fainthearted. Sounds about right. Steelers by 5.
Miami Dolphins at Buffalo Bills: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Fans of these teams don’t see a difference. Bills by 8.
Arizona Cardinals at Atlanta Falcons: Matt Ryan looks like a cross between Woody from Toy Story and Calista Flockhart. He needs to eat a sandwich or something. Cardinals by 2.
Cleveland Browns at Dallas Cowboys: Jerry Jones is just one plastic surgery away from becoming a Sith Lord. Darth Jerry. Cowboys by 7.
Green Bay Packers at Detroit Lions: Someone needs to give Megatron a Benadryl, he’s developed an allergic reaction to the end zone. Packers by 2.
Cincinnati Bengals at Kansas City Chiefs: The Chiefs broke my quarterback. They’re dead to me. May they spend eternity under a tree full of fat squirrels with diarrhea. Bengals by 10.
Philadelphia Eagles at Washington Redskins: I shared a kennel at the Washington Animal Rescue League with some of Mike Vick’s dogs. Redskins by 456,222.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Carolina Panthers: Dear Panthers Coach Rivera: Your team quit on you, but don’t give up. I need you to stay there and keep my seat warm. Sincerely, Andy Reid.
Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans: Matt Schaub destroyed my fantasy team. To Hell with Texas. Wait, that’s redundant. Texans by 13.
NY Jets at St. Louis Rams: If I rolled in goose poo and took a bath in warm cat vomit, I still wouldn’t be half the mess of the NY Jets. Rams by 7.
New Orleans Saints at Oakland Raiders: If there’s a difference between the Black Hole at Raiders stadium and a cosplay fest for drunk jocks, I’m at a loss to find it. Saints by 10.
San Diego Chargers at Denver Broncos: Now that Colorado legalized weed, there’s no more aptly named venue than Mile High Stadium. Broncos by 14.
Indianapolis Colts at New England Patriots: Belichick sings Milkshake by Kelis. "My Brady beats all your teams on the yard. And they’re like, ‘he’s better than ours.’ Damnn right, he’s better than yours. He could teach you, but we’d have to charge." Luck be a Brady tonight. Patriots by 20.
Chicago Bears at San Francisco 49ers: SF Backup Colin Kaepernick will throw two touchdown passes this week. Both of them to Bears’ cornerback Tim Jennings. Bears by 14.
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