Your Week 13 Hate Guide:
*The Hate Guide doesn't feel like writing a disclaimer this week because if you're reading this you should already know what you're getting into. Tread lightly.
Fellow Steeler fans, I must admit that this week my spirit is wounded. Last week's Mistake by the Lake was one of the most atrocious displays of offensive football ever. Our offense was quite literally offensive, it offended anyone who viewed it more than this Hate Guide offends people of weaker constitutions. Chaz Batch had about as much accuracy as a North Korean missile test launch. The running backs had apparently all masturbated using astro-glide prior to playing friggin football. Ike Taylor once again repeated his pregame ritual of immersing his hands in concrete. Tomlin channeled his inner Andy Reid clock management skills and screwed the final 3 minutes of the game. Not that it should have even been remotely close. Oh and the additions of Mike Adams, Willie Colon, and LaMarr Woodley to the injured list have officially made the Steelers account for 2% of national GDP spending on healthcare.
The one silver lining from this game is how amazingly bad the Browns are. Holy reindeer balls are they god awful. The game reminded me of an old commercial. Remember the Tootsie roll Mister Owl and the boy? The Boy wanted to know how many licks it took to get to the center of a Tootsie pop, the bane of dentists worldwide. The Owl started counting and chomped the candy shell down after 3.
The Steelers were essentially performing a similar experiment. How many turnovers does it take for the Browns to win a goddamn football game? Apparently the answer is in fact 8. Because at 7 we still had a chance to win, and at 6 it was looking pretty promising. That's how stanky the Browns are people: You can turn the ball over 8 times and they still barely win by a score.
I've decided that last week's game was Tomlin just being nice on Thanksgiving weekend, since Browns fans have as much to be thankful for as a paraplegic leper working in a coal mine. It's kinda like when you play sports with the retarded. You have to let them win once in a while because the joy they experience would rival my joy were I to be presented with a Vegas suite full of free hookers, Peruvian marching powder, booze, and $10,000. There is greater joy in giving than receiving, so say the gays. Twas true on this Thanksgiving. Let's give the Steelers a round of applause for being such class acts and good folk.
But now it's back to business. We're still probably without Large Benjamin's shoulder this week, but other men may come back to the fold. Regardless, I want one thing perfectly clear: Baltimore is the worst team to lead the AFC North in its history. Period. And that's why I still feel like we can avoid the sweep and delay their jaw flapping and Gatorade dousing for another week.
The Purple penis eaters have ONE, literally ONE player on offense. That player is Ray "Fried" Rice. On 4th and 29 to win the game, what does Crack ho Joe do? Throw it deep downfield for his tall black receiver? Of course not. Average Joe wouldn't dare reach for the stars like that. And why bother? You have one of the best running backs in the league, without whom your team would be competing with the Jaguars for top 5 pick in the draft. So a dumpoff to Rice turns into 28 shit eating yards and another "comeback win" for Joe Flacco. That has to be the sorriest most pathetic comeback I've ever seen. Joe basically just gets credit for not sabotaging it like an idiot pulling the pin from the grenade and then putting it in his pocket.
This is the same team we played two weeks ago that scored a measly 6 points on offense, despite being handed 2 turnovers. Cleveland had 20 points off of 7 turnovers (ignoring the final one), and Baltimore had 6 from 3. Pretty similar shit ratios there. That was less of a win than it was a "not-fucking-it-up"
Essentially that's all the Ravens have anymore. They'll win if they screw up less than the other team. They play not to lose and it's working for them so far. I mean take a real look at this miserable excuse of a team. They don't have a suffocating impenetrable defense anymore, Suggs being the only person worth his paycheck. I don't recall hearing Haloti Ngata's name called against the Steelers, nor Ed Reed's nor Ray Lewis's. This is a washed up shell of a team that's going to be in decline for the foreseeable future. And I love every second of it.
On offense, as I said there is ONE player and ONE incredibly moderate quarterback. Joe Flacco is room temperature. He is like a man in a coma, neither dead nor alive. He's not a great dream nor a nightmare, but just a confusing weird vision that you quickly forget about. If Joe Flacco were a color he'd be Beige, the most boring, unexciting, and easiest to swallow color. He's a Toyota Camry: Not gonna win any races with anyone, but it won't break down on your way to work either. You'll get there, but you won't have any fun doing it. He's not a piece of shit, he's that strange blend of floaty diarrhea with solid pieces in it that neither explodes from your asshole nor crawls out slowly.
Flacco is the lukewarm jism of averageness and I hate him and stanks! He can take his mediocre sub-par unimpressive bisexual one-eyebrow-or-two wishy-washy fence-riding semen-spitting ass and keep marching all the way to the Hall of Alright, Hell, Afghanistan. Then I hope he steps on an IED and get's hundreds of equally bland pieces of his useless body blown across the desert landscape where Tuscan Raiders recover them and turn them into dinner, which they later shit out and bury in the sand.
And just a reminder to Ravens fans who love to gloat and shout and beat their chesticles when they beat the Steelers: You ain't beat shit. Beating us without Ben is like beating you without Ray Rice. I guarantee that if he blew his ACL you'd lose every game left on your schedule. Ben is super important to our team, but Byron could have won a couple games with a healthy Brown to throw to. Plus our defense can actually stop the best teams in the league, unlike yours which got thrashed around like a Barbie doll in a wood chipper by the Texans. We stonewalled the Giants despite the refs boning us from behind all night long, and the Giants went on to use the Packers like toilet paper. Ergo, we can beat good teams and you guys can't.
Luckily the Fuhrer helps you out, because he hates us and he stanks. 2010 he suspends Ben for you, and this year he double books us on you. Ben always gets injured this time of year, and booking our two games back to back (Cleveland does not count as a game, more like a Scrimmage in shorts) is just a cruel joke.
All I know is this: The Steelers are 3-0 against the Ravens in the postseason. That's right you gaping vaginas. When the chips are down and it's win or go home, you're the ones with your dirty rat tails between your wide open whore legs. And if it's not us beating your asses, it's the Patriots or Colts. It must be hard to taste the bitter bouquet of disappointment year after year after year. Don't worry, we'll beat those teams for you and then you won't have to worry about it. We'll beat you first just for good measure.
Your ass is ours once we heal up grab that 6th seed and go on a run for the ages that makes our 2005 run look like a game of hopscotch with a 5 year old girls. You can keep your fugly division T-shirts in size XXL purple camo, disgusting waste of cloth that they are. We'll be sending your AFC champion shirts to Africa to clothe the needy. Somewhere in Africa there are probably a million impoverished misinformed child soldiers who think the Ravens have gone to the Super Bowl a bunch of times. Ironically they also think you've never won a Super Bowl, since they never got your 2001 Championshit T-shirts.
I don't need to sit here and hate your players, your coaches, your organization, your owner, your horrible city, or your disgusting uniforms, your poorly sun-aligned stadium, your mouth-breathing fans, or any other aspect of your pitiful existence. None of that is necessary, because the fact that you are a miserable excuse for a football team that can't win when it matters is all I need to hate you. You preen and brag between weeks 1 and 17, but after that you're a façade, a mirage in the desert, a hallucination on mushrooms. I hate you all, and any season in which you are not holding the Lombardi is a moral victory for me. Your failures are my pleasures, your tears my water, your blood on the ground my fertilizer, your ineptitude my fortress. Baltimore, regardless of what happens this Sunday know that you are a marked team destined for destruction by the wild black and gold beast and we will rend you asunder come playoff time, best believe! We'll be there, and we'll be taking the wind from your torn sails as we savage your team and have our way with your women.
I hate the filthy stanky good for nothing piss chugging ass licking douchebag coach having overhyped and awful Ratbirds and I hope they rot a thousand lifetimes in a hell full of fire, brimstone, and fat chicks. Rest in Pieces bitches. We're coming for you. I want blood. Yours.
The rest of the league needs some hating this week. I'm posting this as the Thursday night matchup between the Taints and Failcunts is starting. Seems the Taints are rebounding from the banhammering they received, and the Falcons are still the Colts of the NFC. At least Thursday night has a halfway decent matchup as opposed to the usual leftover garbage they put on. I mean what is the point of creating another football day if you never have anything good to show? Thursday night is just another half-assed attempt to broaden the NFL's bank account. And it makes writing the hate guide harder. Hate needs to marinate, and I used to just let it build up and unleash it when it was ripe and ready. Now I gotta push it out like a tough dump before work, lest it be late.
Sticking with the NFC, there's another solid game to watch this Sunday. The Shiatle Seecocks travel to Shitcagado. Again, here's a good game that could have been flexed up but instead is left to rot at 1 PM. I would be remiss not to bring up another great reason to hate the Seecocks. Pete Carroll is a college douche that can't cut it in the NFL, much like other failures like Nick Saban and Lane Kiffin. There's a reason they are NCAA coaches, they aren't good enough for the upper echelon that is the NFL. The NFL is for big boys, not B-level two-bit wannabe coaches. None of that frilly bullshit offense where anybody on the field can take the snap and run around like a retard. None of that one foot in bounds garbage. NCAA football to me is a couple chromosomes shy of being Arena football. College football is a plastic BB gun compared to the NFL being a locked and loaded M16.
So Pete Carroll will inevitably suck epic quantities of ass and fall apart. But the real reason you should hate him is cause he be cheatin! Adderall and college go together like rum and coke, but apparently Carroll didn't realize that it's not cool to be popping tard pills before NFL games. Both his starting cornerbacks are gonna get the suspenders snapped on em, but luckily a well timed appeal lets them play this week. Richard Sherman, the accused party, has the world's worst defense ever: I accidentally drank it. That has to be the most made up defense I've ever heard. He just happened to imbibe the pill from another guy's water bottle. OJ Simpson had a better alibi than that. Cheaters infuriate me: Seattle, you're on notice! I hate cheaters and they stank, keep it up and I will go apeshit bananas on your coconuts you slimy progressive pussies.
I think we should punish people according to what they did. So if Sherman likes to pop pills, I say we stuff a few capsules full of capsaicin up his asshole and let him go out and play after that. Side note, Richard Sherman may be the whitest name for a black dude in history. Definitely in contention for maximum honkeyness. Obviously he's hiding something.
Giveemsoda @ Fudge Packers
Oh how I loved watching the Packers get their asses packed by some Giants. This has created a wonderful rock-paper-scissors circle jerk of victories. The Fudge Pack beat the Black and Gold in the game of which I do not speak. Then the Steelers went straight up David on the Giants Goliath and browbeat them into submission, even though they had 3 refs on their side. And then the Giants cut the Packer's cheese. I love these bizarre clusterfucks that occur in the NFL. I also love that Baltimore is never involved in them, since they can't actually beat good teams. Anyway, this game is pretty clutch for the division in the NFC North and should be a decent showing. But of course it's also lamenting at the 1 PM slot.
Again, not sure why the schedule maker has as much sense as a drunken orangutan, but add this to the list of failures. What's the point of flex scheduling if you don't use it? Idiots.. I demand good football be placed on display and shitty football removed from the TV. I think games should get turned off automatically if certain conditions are met. Imagine the pressure a team would feel if they knew that one more INT would cut them off the air completely.
Ramjobs @ 69ers
Tie up your shoes for the Tie-Fighter Bowl. The Ramjobs and 69ers get to play fiddlestick with eachother again! I am sacrificing cats on a makeshift altar for another tie. Imagine these guys having 2 of em. God it would be so gloriously horrible. I would be giddy with glee watching these teams continue to function as well as an executioner with a butter knife. In this day and age, if you tie, you're terrible. I don't buy that BS about both teams being so equally potent. That never happens. Good teams will make a play to win the game. If you tie it's because both of you are so inept that you make women look like good drivers.
Cleveland @ Oakland *The Land Bowl*
The 4:15 slot is even more confusing. This has to be the least worthy matchup to ever grace 4:15. Maybe it's the NFL's way of reminding us what terrible football looks like. It helps us to appreciate good football that much more. It's kinda like travelling to a dilapidated, destitute 3rd world country, say Detroit for instance. After going there you stop bitching about your life and grow a little more thankful for what you have. After watching 5 minutes of Cleveland @ Oakland, you'll never complain about the Steelers again. I also enjoy watching two teams with ‘land' in their names. I like to imagine two warring nations fighting over each other's land. The men of Cleve need to obtain more Oak. And the Oakers need to cleave. Ironically both of their native terrortories are about as hospitable as Somalia. Oh, and after last week, Cleveland can eat a cyanide filled dick and take a cue stick up the poop chute.
Tampon Bay can do us a favor by turning the Donkeys into some good quality glue. Lord knows it's time for Peyton Manning to be sent out to pasture and shot in the head behind a shed. I personally think we'd be best off as the 6th seed going up against anyone but the Broncos. Travelling there we won't have Ryan Clark, the master of the hit-stick. Blame it on the thin air, which is racist and tries to kill black people. The fact that Obama could hold a debate up there is proof that he's not really black by the way. At least I think that's what I gleaned from the sickle cell documentary I saw. No white people in it at all.
Sunday and Monday Night are a pair of NFC East division rivalries. This brings me to my most hated and stanky team of the week. The Killyourselfia Piggles. The hate has rained down hard on Philly, and it's starting to lead to a full on unraveling. Jason Babin being let go is just the tip of the shitberg. This team is finally breaking down completely, and I can't get enough. Dick Holes looks as intelligent as a discarded maxi-pad.
I hate the Eagles, their white trash asshole fans that could find a reason to boo Jesus, their morbidly obese coach whose BMI is greater than the team's offensive production this season, and their ghetto named players. Both a Desean and a Lesean? This is where I think the government should be allowed to step in, I'm sorry. Neither name is creative or cute or sounds good. Sean is a nice name. I have a friend named Shawn (spelling is nice and simple). But you just had to ruin it with an extra retarded unemphasized syllable. You say "Duh-shawn" and "Luh-shawn". It makes us sound even dumber than we already are as a society. Get your names fixed, or go kill yourselves. And for the love of all that is good sterilize these morons and the womb from whence they came.
Anyway, I can't wait to watch the Eagles continue to spiral down like a floating piece of shit in a frothy piss filled toilet bowl. As they continue to sink and fly down the sewage pipe into the underbelly of their filthy city I will be laughing and counting the days until Andy Reid is collecting unemployment like the fat piece of garbage that he is.
And putting the Foreskins on Sunday night against the Giants should result in an epic beatdown. Great waste of Monday night festivities. The NFL schedule maker should be sent on a one-way flight to the sun.
Cheaters @ Losers
I can't go on without mentioning the atrocious play of the Junk Enticing Taint Suckers last week. If you thought our game was bad, you need to watch the 2nd quarter of Patriots Jets from Thanksgiving. That'll make you feel about a million times better. I've never seen more turnovers in such a short period of time. It was the definition of full on implosion. Overgrown red giant stars don't implode on themselves with the force the Jets demonstrated last week. They literally somehow went up their own asshole and died. Just hoping Rex Ryan ends up standing behind Andy Reid in the soup kitchen chow line. I'm willing to bet they'd end up wrestling on the ground over the last slice of pie in a fat guy face off for about two minutes until they both succumbed from respiratory failure and a heart attack.
There's a ton of garbage matchups this week too. Fun fact: Jaguars @ Chiefs, combined they have more than 4 times as many losses as they do wins! Enjoy watching that. It's like biting into a hard boiled egg covered in feces, only to find that the inside is ALSO feces. Houston gets to bend Tennessee over and stack another win against the Ten'Teeth Titans.
Detroit could theoretically help us out by beating Indianapolis, but don't count on it. They've been as clean as Nadomadonkey Kong Shoe's dreaded crotch crusher signature move. By the way, that was awesome. The suspension was bullshit because there really is no way to know if he did it intentionally or not. Either way, if I were a coach, I'd be getting my guys special nut shot training. Hitting a guy in the family jewels is a fantastic way to send a message. And on top of that, you're crippling his future reproduction, ensuring your team's superiority for generations to come! I'm Mechem, and I approve kicking opponents in the balls. America was founded on kicking people in the twig and berries. We dropkicked the British in their biscuits and tea spoon, and we crushed a bunch of Mexican cajones. We punched Germany in their Nazi weinerschnitzel, and went ninja on the Japanese rice balls. And we booted Osama Bin Laden right in his terror tots. DongabonginKong is just keepin the American dream alive, that beautiful dream where the USA kicks its enemies' groins like Sebastian Janikowski going beast mode on a 60 yarder.
Keep on kickin people in the beanbag Suh, you've got the Hate Guide's support. When you meet with the commish, be sure to give him a very realistic reenactment of your testicular abuse.
Well folks, hate hard, we need to get ready to go on a real hate streak, whether or not it starts this week is up to us. Will we wilt and wither when the world works to wound us? Or shall we rise to the occasion and summon the hate deep within and cast it upon our foes? I for one have chosen the latter. You can too, follow me on Twitter @hatingtheleague for some extra doses of hate. I can be the needle that injects that hate right into your shaking veins. I'll even be your makeshift tourniquet and I'll turn you on your side so you don't choke on your own puke! I want nothing more than to tear the NFL apart with my bare hands and leave it tattered and shredded in smithereens. I hate all you stanky sons of bitches and keep your eyes open for some Black and Gold storming your gates come Sunday!