Don't Hate the Refs, Hate Goodell.
*This is a Mechem Poast, language below may upset your stomach, but honestly if you don't agree with the words written below I recommend leaving the car parked in the garage for a while and listening to your favorite albums.
This was going to be part of the hate guide, but frankly it got a little long. So you get BONUS HATE. Bonus hate is the tastiest kind of hate. It's like getting that onion ring in your fries at BK once in a while, it's one of the most pleasant things that can happen to you. This bonus hate is dedicated to the awful officiating of the Giants vs Steelers contest held in New Jersey on Sunday, November 4th, 2012.
As the name of my weekly publication implies, I am here to guide your hate. I am here to make sure that our hate is channeled, focused, harnessed, and utilized properly. This week there is much hate against the zebras. I too initially had this surge of infernal wrath. But now that the dust, and my beer, has settled I am able to lead us on the correct hate path.
Don't get me wrong, the calls made on the field Sunday were horrible, biased, erroneous. I hated them and they stanked. This fact does not go unnoticed. But the refs are like our police. You can't get mad at the police for doing what they're told, even if all they do is write chicken shit tickets for rolling through stop signs despite your tax dollars paying the bill. It's not their fault, it's the dirty secretary screwing politician you elected who's wasting your county's money which causes your police chief to have to tell his officers to write said chicken shit tickets to balance the broken checkbook.
Our refs are in charge of enforcing NFL law. But they do not write the laws. They cannot personally decide which are correct. They can't take their guns out and simply shoot something down because they don't agree. They get a salary to do a job given to them, and if they don't, they'll lose their jobs. And pro NFL refs are somewhat of a niche market, there aren't exactly thousands of potential career options should things go south. NFL Referee on a resume isn't going to make any manager rush over to grab the phone.
Ergo, can we truly be mad at the refs for calling a completely one-sided game in unison? Only if they were directly benefiting financially like Tim Donaughy. But the admirable brotherhood the refs showed in screwing the Steelers eliminates that proposal. Mistakes are made, the refs are human. But when even the reviewers, who are separate entities from the on-field officials, completely shit the bed as well, then you must look elsewhere. Who is directing these men? Who benefits from this? Only one no good dirty piece of ape shit eating soulless red haired meatusface can be responsible for the debacle we witnessed on Sunday: Roger Goodell. As any IT guy would tell you, contrary to the company's slogan, you shouldn't have gotten a dell. This is the man who should be ostracized, impeached, tarred and feathered, set ablaze, and dropped in a 30 ft deep well full of hungry rats, and then urinated upon by all.
The world's best defensed pass by a Steelers CB in ages turned into a DPI call? That's Goodell. He wants more DPI because it leads to more points, which attract more morons with money, raising Goodell's power and enabling him to wipe his ass with more $50 bills. The on-time legal bone crushing blow by Ryan Clark turned fresh-set-of-downs late hit to the head? That's Goodell. Gotta make sure that the players lawyers know we're keeping the game safe and keeping an eye on repeat offenders. Allowing James Harrison to be held on every play since 2010? That's Goodell of course. Not only is it personal, but it also leads to more points with less sacks, and less injuries to star players, aka less jerseys sold and less revenue.
This man is nothing more than a greedy red haired Saddam Hussein who will abuse the good-will of his people to further his own means, and will even crush them down with his iron Stalin-like fist if they get in his way. He shits on everything that the NFL once was, and desires nothing more than the swift death of Steeler Football. He'd rather take good care of his rich buddies like the owners of the big market teams, the Jets, the Pats, the Giants, the Cowboys. He wants to make sure the world knows they exist. These teams pull in mouth-breathing retards that are glued to their smartphones updating every four seconds for fantasy football updates. The Steelers don't give the Fuhrer any new revenue, we're just loyal fans who wouldn't sell out for anything. We'll still watch even if it sucks, because that's how much we love our team. So he has to kill us, because we are the death of his plan. We're the only team that can shut down the Giants elite offense to just 10 completions.
Basically he is Darth Vader, his explosive offense big market flashy teams are the Death Star, and the Steelers are the Rebel Army. Casey Hampton is Jabba the hut. Keisel is Chewbacca. Isaac Redman simply IS the Force. Well we all know how that movie turned out didn't we? Big Ben Skywalker just dropped a big ass photon torpedo up Goodell's asshole, and you know he didn't like it. He used every weapon in his arsenal to bring down the Stillers. And in the end what happened? He failed. Like a bitch. Everyone got to see you for the scum you really are, you overblown Ed McMahon con artist. The whole world witnessed your wild disregard for honest football, and we got to give you a big fat middle finger at the end of it.
The Steelers win on Sunday was a win for America. It was a win for truth, justice, honor, freedom, liberty, and democracy. It was a victory over tyranny, oppression, persecution, prejudice, and the French. By beating one of Goodell's favorite teams, we shamed him and took a hot steaming deuce on his diabolical master plan.
So men and women of BTSC, do not let Goodell's devil magic fool you. He may have used the refs as his puppets, but simply look at the strings attached, and you will see the puppeteer hard at work. What would be more perfect than another New Orleans story to spoon-feed to the masses? What would make more people tune in next week? The Steelers winning in New York after a hurricane? Or the feel-good Hollywood script of the Giants winning one for the crippled city of 12 million plus? The most-often champions winning yet another super bowl? Or the beloved big apple becoming a dynasty?
Goodell, you have lowered the bar like a geriatric diabetic trying to bench press 400lbs. The atrocities you've committed against the fans of the greatest sport in the world have brought my most severe ire and fury. I hope that one day on your trip to London trying to take over the world your private jet suffers a terrible malfunction. I hope the fuselage separates, and the resulting vacuum action rips your clothes off. Then once your red haired fat naked ass is sailing over the air, I can only pray that a meteor strikes your disintegrating plane and sends it hurling in a ball of fire into the middle of the Atlantic ocean.
I want that plane/meteor to sink all the way to the bottom of the ocean and drive you deep into a trench from which you shall never emerge. Your black box won't be found, your plane considered lost. As fish and crustaceans of various sorts nibble away at your decaying corpse, I will cheer as you won't be able to have a proper funeral or burial. I hate you Roger Goodell. You've taken something I've loved, stomped on it with your Fascist boots, chewed it up and spat it out like it were some leftover Skoal. I long for the day when this universe gives it back to me by taking your miserable existence. I hate you and you stank, go take a tour of a dildo factory you lousy cunt.