Pittsburgh Steelers host the Kansas City Chiefs: There’s only one Chief in Pittsburgh, and his name is Rooney. Steelers by 10.
Indianapolis Colts at Jacksonville Jaguars: The election proved that it’s hard to pick the loser. Unless the Jaguars are playing. Colts by 4.
NY Giants at Cincinnati Bengals: My favorite 3 things in life: 1) squirrel meat, 2) cat meat, and 3) watching the Bengals crap all over themselves. Giants by 10.
Tennessee Titans at Miami Mahi Mahi: Tennessee’s not full of hillbillies. Hillbillies have more teeth. Miami by 8.
Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings: Ndamukong Suh is The Incredible Hulk without Bruce Banner. Lions by 2.
Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots: Now is the winter of our discontent. Or, as Bills fans call it – football season. Patriots by 9.
Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints: The only thing more overrated than the Falcons was Romney’s chance of winning. Saints by 10.
San Diego Chargers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers: I didn’t go to the funeral for the Chargers’ playoff hopes, but I sent a nice letter saying I approve of it. Bucs by 10.
Denver Broncos at Carolina Panthers: Peyton Manning always looks like he’s standing in a fart cloud. Maybe he has indigestion. Broncos by 8.
Oakland Raiders at Baltimore Ravens: Have you seen Terrell Suggs lately? I think he ate Casey Hampton. Ravens by 4.
NY Jets at Seattle Seahawks: If there’s a difference between the Jets and a raging dumpster fire, I’m at a loss to find it. Seahawks by 5.
Dallas Cowboys at Philadelphia Eagles: I shared a kennel at the Washington Animal Rescue League with some of Mike Vick’s dogs. Cowboys by 456,222.
St. Louis Rams at San Francisco 49ers: Tony Bennett left his heart in San Francisco. Sam Bradford will leave a rib or two. 49ers by 12.
Houston Texans at Chicago Bears: Given the choice between Texas and Hell, I’d choose Hell. Less hair spray, and the Devil only has half the bluster of the Average Texan. Bears by 10.
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