Your Week 10 Hate Guide
*The Hate Guide reminds you to take all comments below in a light hearted and jovial manner, and to avoid directing your hate toward its author. He will just smite you with even greater hate, so it's really not even worth trying.
Once again, forgive the tardiness of the Hate Guide. There was this president guy getting elected and this other activity called work which can be a real bitch sometimes. Also I didn't come down from my Giants high until yesterday, and it's hard to write a hate guide when I simply want to slather my whole team with love like a gay Lacrosse captain.
There was no denying the awesomeness of last week's win. The Steelers look poised to dominHate the rest of the season, and should only get better with a recovering Polamalu coming into the fold soon. Add Mendenhall to our ridiculous O-line (still can't believe I'm writing that) and we should be ready to ravage our opponents like rabid raccoons tearing through the trash.
I'd like to take a moment to issue another grand F YOU to the schedule maker. Of course, Goodell probably oversees this process heavily. How else do you explain the Steelers having a MNF game for the last 4 seasons, but not getting one at home? Probably because we always win at home on Monday night. Last time we lost, Chuck Noll was coach. Since Steeler fans measure time in head coaches, not years, that's saying a hell of a lot. So of course Goodell and Mr NFL Schedule Maker Douchebag probably team up to screw us over as hard as possible.
Also, my work was interviewing a full blown ginger agent of the Red Gestapo. I'm convinced Goodell is trying to kill me by sending one of his elites to Peru. If there's no Hate Guide, you can officially send a search party. Search party is quite the oxymoron. Usually nobody is happy or excited, hell there's not even any booze. It's the worst party there could ever be. I'd like to actually throw a real search party. We all get absolutely hammered and altered, and then put on party hats and run around the woods looking for a missing child. Sounds like a blast!
It's no surprise that this week I'm expecting a gory bloodbath of epic proportions. We play the Fatass City Queefs this week. It's the Todd Haley Bowl, and we should get to see a little bit of his angry brand of revenge take the field on Monday Night Football. The Chiefs are worse than having your dick caught in a blender full of hot sauce. The Steelers are more awesome than winning the lottery and meeting hot slutty twins on the same day. Do the math, Kansas City is going to choke on their baby back ribs and collapse on the floor.
As you guys know I'm a stickler for names. The Kansas City Chiefs are major offenders in this regard. This is basically the AFC version of the Washington Redskins. First off, you play in Missouri, not Kansas. Kansas City can keep on riding that borderline like a big fat dick for all I care, all I know is that I don't put up with wishy-washy morbidly obese barbecue battling rednecks with triple chins. Pick a side Kansas City, which state are you really in? It's pretty sad when your populous can make a decision about barbecue methods but can't decide what goddamn state they belong to. They should just put a wall up through the middle Germany style and go get bent. Better yet, put a wall around these horse-humping wet nap needing brain dead idiots and keep them out of the rest of the country.
Seriously oughta throw birth control in the water supply there. You could probably film the Walking Dead in Kansas City with literally zero make up. The barbecue sauce perpetually resting upon the cheeks and extra chins of Chiefs fans resembles thick blood. The slow, plodding, mindless gait of the typical enormous fan resembles zombie movement to a T.
Then there's the actual name of the team. I'm extremely against political correctness, so actually I don't care about it. I believe if you get offended, that's your problem. The name Chiefs, much like Redskins, provokes a certain uproar from people. The ironic and hilarious thing about it is that I've never seen one actual Native American get offended by it. So far the only people who actually complain about this name are white people who have nothing better to do. Hey white people, you've got it pretty damn good, so go shut your pie holes and sit back down on your divan. Why does whitey go getting offended for the sake of others? When I see a bunch of Indians with tomahawks and feather hats smoking tobacco leaves and dancing outside of Scott Pioli's office screaming for his scalp and foreskin, THEN I'll consider this name offensive. I'm sure the real chiefs are just too busy getting shitfaced on some desert reservation while they all get rich off of a casino. Taking America back one nickel at a time.
Diatribes aside, we should have absolutely zero problems bending the Chiefs over and violating them in all their holes with rusty metal implements. In short, they stank. The Chiefs are 1-7, and have more turnovers than Sara Lee. Their QB corps are Matt Cassel and Brady Quinn. That's like having to choose between driving an old rusted out Toyota and a Pinto. Either one is going to get you killed, and you're going to be miserable the whole time you're in it.
I mean seriously Fatass Shitty, how in god's green earth did you let Belicheat hustle you for Cassel? Cassel is awful unless he has about 8 seconds of time in the pocket. He moves like Mick Jagger will in 20 years. Darth Hoodie pulled off the greatest heist in history with this trade to the Chiefs. Matt Cassel is to the Chiefs what Barney on Ice is to children: Appealing on TV but a total fraud in person.
Brady Quinn meanwhile was discarded from Cleveland like a junkie throws out an old broken dope needle. If Cleveland throws you out of town, you really ought to just hang yourself. Most people leave Cleveland by choice. Correction: They flee and run for their lives to avoid a staph infection and permanent chronic depression. But in the case of Brady Quinn, Cleveland rejects YOU. I mean it's like walking up to the grossly overweight woman sitting at the bar, putting incredible stress upon the stool's poor feet, bending the countertop with her flabby elbows, drunker than Pacman Jones, and STILL getting shot down. Brady Quinn, you suck at life. I hate you and you stank.
Speaking of Cleveland refuse, Romeo Crennel is now still kinda sorta the Chiefs head coach, after firing himself from the Defensive Coordinator spot. Frankly I admire Crennel's self deprecation and desire to remove himself from actual game calling duties. Letting Crennel call plays of any sort is like letting your gay friend pick which bar you all go to in order to get laid, you're going to be mighty disappointed. And probably raped.
Some people might point to our recent run defense softness as a cause for concern. The Chiefs have a pretty strong rushing attack. Jamaal Charles didn't blow his knee out this year on a routine run out of bounds like a total puss, so we will actually have to play some defense. But once they have to air it out, I'm sure we'll be fine. Ike has shut down Dwayne Bowe before, and Dexter McClusterfuck scares me about as much as one of those lame Saw movies.
Folks, this team is terrible. The Steelers are playing at home on Monday Night, and are going to decimate their opponent. We're gonna roll our dongs in tar and broken glass and have at the Chiefs for 60 minutes of pure pain. I hate these fat sons of bitches and their terrible team, and I hope the Steelers remind them of what quality football really looks like. Lord knows their fans ain't seen it in a long ass time. I hate em and they stank!
Hate Guide Half Time. This week, I introduce a brief segue-ment to help get us more amped for our upcoming game, and enjoy the Hate Guide more fully. As your personal guide down the fire and brimstone path I know it's necessary to motivate ourselves just as much as we demotivate our hated and stanky opponents. Nothing makes things feel more epic and awesome than some badass background music. So I'll share with you something on my Hate Playlist.
This week's recommended listening is Explosions in the Sky's Catastrophe and the Cure (click for youtube link), from their album "All of a Sudden I Miss Home". Put this on, and feel your hate tank refill as you enjoy the game by game hatedown below. Jam to this before a Stiller game and get ready to rip your opponents a new one.
Midgets @ Bungholes
Two of last week's losers get to go head to head. The Bengals are bungling as they're wont to do. The Midgets are starting their usual losing streak so that they can make the playoffs as a wild card. Now that we've punished the Gicunts and reminded them that their QB isn't as awesome as the Ben, I really don't care what they do from here on out. I wouldn't mind them beating up on Shitsinatti, since I hate them and they stank.
Ten'Teeth Methheads @ Cuba
The Titans still suck, the Dolphins still suck, basically there's a lot of sucking here. It's like the Oreck vacuum salesman invented this game. Don't let the Dolphins few recent wins trick you, they're still a godawful team co-owned by a bunch of retarded celebrities. Seriously could there be anything dumber than letting commoners and random people own your team? Since about 78% of the population is irreversibly retarded, it just doesn't make sense to let these people own important things. People are buying the Dolphins just because it looks cool. It's like the latest fad accessory: A piece of a decrepit horrible football team. Idiots.
Detroit gangbangers @ Viqueens
If I were the Vikings, I would seriously consider hiring extra security for Detroit. Detroit once again was ranked #1 in violent crime ratings this year. Having lived over there for 10 years I can tell you it's a wasteland. It's like half Mad Max, half I Am Legend, half Somalia. I know that's too many halves, but that's what it is. I can't believe 8 teams a year actually have to go there to play. I'd be scared shitless. At the very least they need a sniper trained on Nadamadonkey Kong Shoe cause he'll probably go on a rampage and rip off Christian Ponder's head. I love the name Christian Ponder by the way. It's awesomely ironic because Christians never actually ponder about anything, especially about why they're Christian, which is totally what they should be pondering.
Great White Buffalo @ New Cheatland
Speaking of Matt Cassel, he's also proof that Brady is nowhere near as good as he's made out to be. I'd love to have seen Brady play on a shit team with a shit O-line. If Cassel can take that team to 11-5, and later gets benched for Brady Fucking Quinn, who wasn't good enough for the Browns of all teams, how good is Brady really? How many game winning TD drives in the Super Bowl does he have? Zero. How many players had the benefit of the league's best kicker ever, an astounding defense, an impenetrable O-line, and good receivers? I guarantee Trent Dilfer could win a super bowl under those circumstances... Oh wait, he did. Brady's a hack, and he can slob my knob like corn on the cob.
Oh, and Tom Brady sucks T-rex cock while wearing hipster clothes.
Fatlanta @ Taints
Atlanta is the only undefeated team left. Once again, call me when you get to the NFCCG. The Taints are still bad. Once again, Goodell shot himself in the foot on this matchup by banhammering Payton. Dumbass. Being NFC fodder between two teams that will make less noise in the playoffs than a Buddhist monk, I really couldn't give two shits bout this game.
Whale's Vagina @ Strap-on Bay
Arrrrrr! The Buccaneers of the drrrreaded Bay of Tampons laid waste to ye ole scurvy pirate horrrde of the Oakland Rrrrraiders. The victors of the famed pirrrate bowl claimed the Syphilis Trrrrophy from Al Davis Jones and returned with plunderrr and spoils. They sacked the port of Oakland on a foggy autumns eve with storrrmy seas. Aye after having they way with the diseased womenfolk they sailed back to their golden shores of Florrrrrida. Congratulations be given to the Buccaneers of Tampa for their victory against the Butt rrraiders! I hate them and they stank. But a storm be brewing over the Bay of Tampons. I done seen the lightning bolts of Poseidon on the horizon. The Charrrrgers powder-blue sails be sighted from atop the crrrrows nest. Two teams at fourrrrr and fourrrr, who'll get to five firrrst? Put on ye peg legs and ready your scimitars for a grand duel!
Jokeland @ Ratbirds
Once again, Ratbirds get a couple lucky penalties to help put away a game. For a team that never stops bitching about officiating they sure do benefit from it. Maybe we ought to start complaining more. It worked for the Giants, pissing and moaning about our WR ‘holding' and then getting the mother lode of all calls brought to them. Did you know that Baltimore has the 23rd ranked defense in the league? That's so satisfying to say. Did you know that Baltimore has the 23rd ranked defense in the league? STILL SATISFYING. SCREW YOU BALTIMORE!!! And they're 25th in rushing lololololol. Can't wait for DwyeRedmanHall to run you over like drunk rednecks run over black dudes in parking lots. Of course, Oakland sucks so don't expect any miracles this week. Baltimore has been sooooo painstakingly tantalizingly close to losing to a shit team the last few weeks, so I'm holding out hope. Don't cocktease me like that Gayvens! You get my hate boner all nice and hard and then luck your way out in the 4th quarter. Sons of bitches.
Cowgirls @ Pigeons *Futility Bowl of the Week*
This is the battle for who doesn't want to win the NFC East. Your prize is being 2.5 games behind the defending champs. I mean what is the damn point? It's like winning a free flight to North Korea. Now at this point I'm simply cheering for the Eagles to lose every remaining game just so that Andy Reid goes right where he belongs: The Unemployment Line, and then the $5 Chinese Buffet. Join the rest of America you fat piece of trash. Then again, cheering for the Cowboys to win is like willingly swallowing cyanide. I hope the Russians are feeling feisty and accidentally hit the nuke button on Philly. God what a world of good that would do.
Houston @ Chi-cagado
This is one game I would actually encourage people to watch. And amazingly it's actually a decent matchup on Sunday Night Football. If you're like me and enjoy watching offenses fail miserably ala Cleveland, this should be a good game to watch. Two defenses that are harder than a 13 year old looking at porn against two QBs that are as consistent as Troy Polamalu's leg. My money's on Houston in this one. I'm willing to bet after JJ Watt knocks down his 5th pass of the night Cutler will just put on his street clothes, light up a cigarette and put his headphones on. Cutler has to be the most entitled narcissistic punk kid in the NFL today. He's up there with Flacco and Sanchez. These new young douchemongers are going to ruin the world. I'm 22 and I already hate my generation... goddammit I'm getting old. Anyway enjoy the game. Just have your mute button handy so you don't have to hear the sound of announcers slurping Urlacher's dong after his touchdown last week.
There's a lot of AFC vs NFC garbage this week. Denver at Carolina is as compelling as a romantic comedy about Hitler. Jets @ Seattle is going to set the Guinness record for flailed arms looking for pass interference. Over under on post-game referee complaints is set at 3.5. Taint Looseness plays the 69ers in a total face-sitting debacle of a football game. Don't even bother. Oh and Colts Jags was so boring I didn't even bother to rush my hate guide in before it, and it was as exciting as a root canal without Novocain.
Let's wipe the floor with the Chiefs and get ready for some flying rats. Remember to get your hate on Twitter @hatingtheleague.