FanPost

Breaking News: Selfish Roethlisberger rears his ugly head again!

Big Ben once again shows just how selfish he is. Oh, I say and I say it again, we’ve been had! We’ve been took! We’ve been hoodwinked! Bamboozled! Led astray! Run amok! This is what He does... There is no “i” in team but Ben proves there is a “me”.

He clearly did not want this season to be anyone but his. He was mildly accepting of the Bus’s swansong season and a little less of the Hines season. He understood this year was to be his. Tomlin assured him. Haley even called on his private line to affirm the fact. Gone are the old leaders. He alone stood at the top of the heap at the top of the wall ready to dash away dash away dash away all. His star had risen, his son was born. The time was right. The time was his.

Then Heath emerged, as if from Bethlehem, with a cultish call of saviordom heard around the world. Can a prophet come from Virginia? Are they bellowing HEEEEEEEATH for every white guy? To make matter worse, from the multi-room Running Back Dog House Dwyer took center stage and flushed out the MEndehall. Ben though, understood his team would need a supporting cast so he was willing. If MEndenhall returned from injury ala All Day Peterson and Pey Pey Manning that would jeopardize his glory. If Heath did not produce how could he win with Young Money looking like pocket change?

But two weeks ago the unthinkable happened. Charlie Batch rose from the ashes of Homestead – born at a time when steel was more prominent than water-slides and shopping. Old Man Charlie lifted the spirits of a team and a city. With a rusty arm and two eyes made out of coal, this wise old man saved our season. His was a performance that was sure to go down in history (like George Washington). Elvis left the building. There was nooooo doubt about it. Tears melted our hearts and soggied our land. But Ben was not happy.

How could Charlie do this to him? Was he Charlie and Charlie, Lucy? Did he just do that?

Ben devised a plan… In front of the Charlie, Heath, and Dwyer lovers he would put it into play. Fumble away a TD. Throw away another few points. No one would notice a loss to San Diego after losses to Oakland, Tennessee, Cleveland. Put the team back into peril then he can bring them back! Cruella Deville would have been proud of this dastardly deed. The evil Kirk Cousins, Cam Cameron, and Tony Romo performed on cue. Step 1 worked to perfection.

Now, robed in Kevlar that would make Seal Team 6 feel safe, Ben has what he wanted. He has the team and the city on his 11 ½ ribbed back. Even our MMA star Willie Colon has been dealt with. No next man up can take it from him now… there are no more men. He knows we can’t win without him, now. He has us right where he wants us.

He knows he wears the number we are seeking. Our 7th Lombardi is in his hands. We must submit. He has won!

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