Your week 14 Hate Guide:
*The Hate Guide contains heaps of profanity and vulgarities that may be considered offensive to some. The content of the Hate Guide does not reflect the opinions of BTSC or its authors. All content is meant to be understood in a satirical and humorous light, please read accordingly. Hate on!
Hot high steppin Moses that was a great weekend. Beating the Ravens is like getting a really fantastic fellation from four foxy females. You just can't help but wake up with an extra pop in your step. Of course we have Myron Cope to thank for this victory. When you touch the towel, you touch the eyeball of a furious Jew. And no god hath fury like the Jew god. Read the old testament and see what Jewish god used to do. He'd make it rain fire and brimstone, open the earth to swallow heathens, and strike men down with leprosy just for shits and giggles. That's a god I can get behind. Christian god is too hippy and all about love and forgiveness. Jewish god is a big fan of killing unbelievers and eternal damnation and whatnot.
So when the Towel was tainted by Ray Fried Rice Combo Platter #5, Myron Cope Yoi'd the balls off those purple puke stains. Can't say I didn't see that coming. Ray Rice wears the Towel on his head, and Charlie Batch almost throws for a 3 bill. Eat that Baltimore. You deserve no less.
Now we have a great team effort to build on. Time for us to go on an epic run to close out this season and lock up a playoff spot. 2005 could be repeating itself right before our very ocular organs, and we'd do well to cherish these moments. Beating Baltimore in their house ranks up there with childbirth, divorce, and winning the lottery in terms of happiness. Be sure to store that memory in your NFL spank bank and fondly remember the forlorn faces of frustration that we saw as the CBS cameras panned the Ravens' bench during our final drive.
Fortunately there couldn't be a better opponent to continue our stampede towards destiny with. This week we get to demolish the Sandy Negro Stupid Chargers, a putrid pile of pus filled piss team that we regularly make into our tri-annual bitches.
Perhaps a good history lesson would do us well. Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diago, which of course in German means "a Whale's Vagina." The Nazi's were looking for a place to plug in their iPhones and Hitlerbook Airs and when they found the thriving Mexican village they disembarked. After struggling to find someone who spoke English, since just about everybody in San Diego speaks Mexican't, they were directed to a hippy green energy center. They plugged in their chargers for their mobile devices. In order to pass the time, they played a little bit of Nazi Football League, which was the precursor to Roger Goodell's modern version. They declared their team name the Chargers, since that's the whole reason they were there in the first place. After having their galleon hijacked by a bunch of cholos in low riders, they had no choice but to stay. The Chargers NFL club continues to exist to this day, and the lightning bolts on their jerseys represent the electricity the Nazi's needed on their exploration.
Los Cargadores, due to the extremely high number of gay people in California, have some of the best looking jerseys in the league. But aside from that, they're about as attractive as a wart-riddled crack whore with herpes. The centerpiece on their table of shit is Philip Rivers, one of the most obnoxious douchiest QBs on the planet. Rivers is known for two things: Yelling at his teammates, and loving god. Yelling at your teammates is sometimes necessary, but when YOU are as consistent as a teenage girl's menstruation you need to STFU and sack up. But the Jesusback thing has become way too popular for my tastes lately. Keep your god out of my football. Just to piss Rivers off, I'd play as a Muslim and after a TD I'd face east and praise Allah. I bet Philip would just explode with righteous indignation. Hell, he might even ruffle his overly righteous haircut.
This season Rivers has been a turnover machine. He's turned over more footballs than a McDonald's worker turns burgers. 15 INTs to go with 10 fumbles on the season, compared to just 18 TDs. It's actually a pretty amazing fail resume. It's remarkably Flacco-esque.
The entire Sandy Eggo waffle offense can be described thusly: Get really tall receiver, have Rivers float the ball into space, pray the guy catches it, ?????, profit. With guys like I'm Sorry Miss Vincent Jackson and Antonio Gates around, this system was good for about 8 wins a season. It was a lot better when they had a running game to go with it, but since made up name Ladeedahnian MikeTomlin'sson left town they've resorted to finding pocket sized RBs to catch Rivers' dump offs and run around like Ray Fried Rice. And now that the 6' Jackson 5" is gone, they just went and found two more guys like him. Im sure they'll get oversigned to some ridiculous contract.
But the real reason they suck like a 787 jet turbine is because they somehow manage to have the most inept coaching on the west coast. The few years they actually had a shot at their first Super Bowl win, Marty Shittinheimer was behind the wheel. And Marty drove with the aptitude of a drunken immigrant blowing a 0.25 BAC. Not content with mere mediocrity, they went out and got the Flacco of NFL coaches.
Norv Turner is the AFC's answer to Andy Reid. Here's a man that defies the unemployment line somehow year after year. He failed epically as head coach, not once, but TWICE as the coach of the Foreskins and the Jokeland Raidurrrs. Wikipedia sums it up nicely: "Turner has coached the most games in NFL history among head coaches with an overall losing record." Chalk up three failed head coaching gigs for this absolute waste of our precious oxygen.
How bad is Turner? This is the guy who lost the Cowboys' HC job to Wade Friggin Phillips. Wade Phillips people, the worst of all the morbidly obese coaches. When you can't beat out Phillips for a job, you really oughta rethink your career path. Again, the Flacco comparison holds true, a guy who couldn't beat out Tyler Palko is somehow starting in the league. Some teams just love disappointment. Somehow stupidity is far more predictable, it just never lets you down. You can set your watch to stupid, and it'll always be on time.
It doesn't really matter who is coaching, or who is playing, or who is in charge. The Steelers tend to beat the chargers like Chris Brown beats Rihanna. We're 22-8 against these spark-butt-plugs, and most recently notched a beautiful beatdown in the postseason. I remember, because I was there. I brought the Hate to Heinz field and stared into Rivers empty soul at the 12 yard line where I sat front row, penetrating his very being with my dagger eyes and forcing him into his only play of the 3rd quarter: An INT.
This week, I look to do the same from my couch in Peru. And I invite you guys to join me. The Chargers are going to have the plug pulled from their asses and go off life support this week. They're practically eliminated from the playoffs, but we can put the final nails in their coffin, and give them a Viking funeral on the shores of Whale's Vagina. I hate the Chargers, their pathetic pussy team that can't take any physical contact, their retard college coach that should go back and take some more classes, their fair weather fans who are too busy sipping a latte on their surfboards to even care about football, their Spanish speaking city (speak American if you're in America!), and their Holier than thou QB who thinks his shit smells like Jesus flowers. This week you're goin DOWN. We're gonna whoop your asses with Charlie friggin Batch at the helm, the man who invented the forward pass.
Troy Polamalu is gonna be hurdling your running back like a homeless man layin on the sidewalk. James Harrison is gonna strip Rivers like a cheap prostitute. Heath Miller is going to show Antonio Gates who the real TE is in this league, not some chump basketball player but a real NFL baller who can dish out the pain. The Conquistador Cortez Allen is going to return to his native land of Mexico, evict the Kumeyaay people from the land, and establish numerous catholic churches in his name. Your city will be called San Allen from now on, and you'll be our bitches for the rest of your miserable lives. We're gonna snort up your powder blue like crystal meth and chop you up into little pieces your pansy ass pieces of shit. I hate you and you STANK!
The rest of the league has drawn my ire as well. I'm also especially pissed at work. Right now we're just doing a whole lot of nothing as the school year winds down to a close. This gives me ridiculous amounts of time to ponder on things I hate.
Dallas Cowpounders @ Cincinnati Bengals
Let's keep it in the division with the Daleast Cowgirls against the It'satranny Been Gals. This game presents a terrible moral conflict. On one shit covered hand, the Bunghole's losing would be beneficial for the Stiller's standings in the playoff race. On the other butt wiping appendage, Dat'ass should never be cheered for under any circumstances, and a Plowgirls loss is always joyous. It's like voting for president, no matter which one you get you'll be disappointed. I lend my support to the independent meteor this week, may she strike Bunghole stadium and level it to nothing but dust.
Kansas City Heroes @ Cleveland Clowns
I can't make any jokes about the Kansas City Chiefs for at least 2.5 more weeks, which is really hard for me to do seeing as they're pretty much one of the worst teams in the league. They got a win last week because they were more emotional than a pregnant woman on her period. Now let's see if they can't carry that momentum into Cleaveland and tear the Browns a new asshole from which to spew their filthy shit all over their awful field. Cleveland is so bad they could easily defecate out of multiple holes with no loss in poo pressure from either one.
Cagado Bears @ NFC Purple Team
Shocker, the Vikings suck again. The Vikings are doing their very best to copy the historical Vikings. Those guys got a good start, and then just sort of faded into history. It's almost impossible to understand how a bunch of hardcore giant dudes waving axes around like terrible towels could possibly go extinct, but they did. Perhaps that's what happens when your populous is permanently shitfaced like the homeless guys that live on my street corner. Anyway, this is NFC fodder to help determine our eventual bitch in the Super Bowl, so I really couldn't care less about who wins. All I know is I hate any team that wears purple and they stank.
Harbaugh's a Douche @ RG3
RG3 came through with a pretty big win against the G-spots last week. Watching African American QBs is so exciting. The white guys can't run around all crazy on every play. The RG3 offense is like a game of Madden on meth while playing Russian Roulette. Of course, eventually RG3 will get knocked back into the pre civil war era one day and then Washington will fall off a fiscal cliff into disarray and chaos. But let's hope, nay, sacrifice our firstborns, so that Baltiless can find a way to choke on this division like a big vibrating dildo down their throats. The Curse of The Towel has struck, and it shall tighten around their collective necks and strangle them into oblivion. With Terrell Suggs giving away both his literal guns and his biceps, which he probably calls guns, he won't be able to do a whole lot this week. I hope his arm just falls right off and gets trampled by every Foreskins player. I want that Washington defense to play a game of Ookie Cookie on Joe Flacco's head this week, I hate the Ratbirds and they stank. I want the cast of Iron Chef to make an episode with the secret ingredient being Raven's Tears this week, make it happen Worshingtan.
Other team from Texas @ Death Star
Darth Hoodius is back to fooling the world that his team is epic and amazing after racking up wins against powerhouses such as the Jets, Dolphins, Rams, and Bills. God is their division horrible. They get the easiest ride to the playoffs every year. The last halfway decent opponent they played was Seattle, and guess what? Seattle won. Those two words aren't typed very often. That's the thing about New England, they're about as real as a Vegas Stripper's tits. With a defense that resembles paper, and an offense that pops under pressure like an overinflated balloon, they'll be one and done come January. In the meantime, let's continue to fellate them and praise their genius and wax their wangs throughout the rest of December. Can't wait to watch Houston devour them and shit them out like raisins.
The rest of the matchups this week are about as inspiring as a summer school classroom. It's a haphazard collection of dropouts, losers, and pathetic wannabes against moderately adequate teams. Seattle has a bye week against the Fartinholes, who've managed to extend their losing streak to 8. An 8 game losing streak almost requires effort. I'd investigate those red turds for tampering with the league. You have to figure that Whiz-in-cunt is just praying for a top draft pick at this point to replace his woeful options at QB. When you have to choose between Juan Skeleton and Kevin Kolb, you're as likely to succeed as an Iranian in the downhill skiing event.
Poor Detroit continues to fall apart like the downtrodden shithole they crawled out of. They've been competitive to the end of every game, but in classic Lions fashion they've found a way to lose every game. Much like Mufasa, they get trampled by Wildebeest on a weekly basis.
Apparently Drew Brees' throwing arm got smashed by the Banhammer Casino-style, because Breesus threw 5 INTs and no TDs last week in an amazingly awful performance. Goodell probably sent aliens to steal his talent. Only Bill Murray can stop it.
Cuba takes on Northern Mexico as the Dolphins look to get their asses kicked by the 49ers. Colin Kaepernick confuses me. I don't know which of his multiple races to make fun of. So instead I'll just comment on the fact that he's adopted and nobody loves him, not even Harbaugh who douchily gave Alex Smith's job away despite Alex Smith growing a pair of testicles. Harbaugh douched himself into an ugly corner, give the job back to the NFC's Flacco, or let the super tattooed risqué QB continue to play even though he fluked a win or two. Serves the Harbaughs right, I hope the two QBs stab eachother in a parking lot and leave Jim pantsless and jerkin it on the field with nobody under center.
It's December. December is a time for annoying Christmas music, family, cold ass weather, and Hate. It is hate that takes teams into January, the hallowed holy ground of football. The Steelers are knocking on the door, now unite in your fury and help them drop kick it down like Jason Bourne. You can still get your hate on @Hatingtheleague on Twitter. Live hate has become slightly more complicated, but I'll be making an effort to get on it this week. Stay posted, and keep on hating.